Unequal Sex Drive in Marriage

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pennybun said:

“Xantippe, so… my wifely duty is to force my husband to do something he doesn’t want to do? He’s not a child. He makes choices that I cannot change just as I make choices he cannot change. Even if I could somehow threaten him into doing what I wanted, I wouldn’t because that’s not right or respectful to him as a person. We can encourage each other to do what we think is right, but it is in no way my DUTY to make him do the right thing. It’s not like a low sex drive will kill him, it won’t even kill our marriage. If either of those two things were true, he would have already been to the doctor. Maybe I have completely misunderstood what you are trying to say, so I am truly sorry if that is the case, but I simply think you’re wrong in this case.”

Nope. It is your duty to get your husband to the doctor’s office. Ask any woman of some tenure as a wife–men are famous for being recalcitrant about going to see the doctor or taking care of basic personal health care, and it is a typical wifely duty to overcome the balkiness and the grumbling and make sure that he is healthy. As somebody was mentioning, married men’s longer life spans is largely attributable to the fact that wives insist on them going to the doctor.

Make him an appointment and have him go. Tell him to do it for you.

Wouldn’t you feel terrible if you didn’t do this and 5 years from now, it turned out that a) he had some sort of serious health condition you had both neglected and b) you had both suffered unnecessarily for a decade?

Getting him to the doctor is that important.
 
thewanderer said:

“I think the reason people are stressing the importance of getting him to the doctor is that if there is a medical condition underlying this the low libido is just a symptom. In that case you need to get him to the doctor not for the sake of getting more sex, but to make sure that your husband is, and remains, healthy. If he does have an underlying medical condition it will effect more than just his sex drive and who knows how much harm it will cause him if left untreated. The way I see it this isn’t about sex so much as about caring for your husband’s health and well-being.”

Exactly.
 
thewanderer said:
I think the reason people are stressing the importance of getting him to the doctor is that if there is a medical condition underlying this the low libido is just a symptom. In that case you need to get him to the doctor not for the sake of getting more sex, but to make sure that your husband is, and remains, healthy. If he does have an underlying medical condition it will effect more than just his sex drive and who knows how much harm it will cause him if left untreated. The way I see it this isn’t about sex so much as about caring for your husband’s health and well-being.
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Exactly. 👍
 
Wow… well then. I will just ask him nicely to go to the doctor… oh wait, I did that. He decided he didn’t want to go. Ok then, I will bribe him with something or threaten him with the unhappiness of me if he doesn’t go. Doesn’t work? I’ll just get some sort of tranquilizer and roll him into the car and into the doctor’s office. Really guys? You really think I have some sort of moral obligation to force him to go the doctor? You really don’t think I did what I could respectfully do to get him to go? He does not want to go. Short of the ridiculous things I just mentioned, I can do nothing else. Thanks for the help.
 
pennybun said:
Wow… well then. I will just ask him nicely to go to the doctor… oh wait, I did that. He decided he didn’t want to go. Ok then, I will bribe him with something or threaten him with the unhappiness of me if he doesn’t go. Doesn’t work? I’ll just get some sort of tranquilizer and roll him into the car and into the doctor’s office. Really guys? You really think I have some sort of moral obligation to force him to go the doctor? You really don’t think I did what I could respectfully do to get him to go? He does not want to go. Short of the ridiculous things I just mentioned, I can do nothing else. Thanks for the help.
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I understand the difficulty. You started off in this thread convinced there is no medical problem - but many of us have serious doubts about that. Perhaps this is something you can research a bit yourself online? A joint visit to the doctor might also be a possibility?

Can I also ask you whether your hubby is enthusiastic every 6 weeks when that time for sex comes around, or is he less than enthusiastic? And if you “encourage him” at a a lesser interval, in what way does he decline you? Does his body fail to react to you, or does he decline before that possibility arises? [eg. I may not have any thought of sex on my mind, and may not seek it for a week or two (I’m close to 60) but physical contact with my wife produces physical reactions which are likely to change my mind.]
 
pennybun said:

“Wow… well then. I will just ask him nicely to go to the doctor… oh wait, I did that. He decided he didn’t want to go. Ok then, I will bribe him with something or threaten him with the unhappiness of me if he doesn’t go. Doesn’t work? I’ll just get some sort of tranquilizer and roll him into the car and into the doctor’s office. Really guys? You really think I have some sort of moral obligation to force him to go the doctor? You really don’t think I did what I could respectfully do.”

The words you are looking for are something like: “I want you to go to the doctor because I’m worried about your health. I’m going to make you an appointment with our family doctor for a physical. What days over the next month are you available and do you prefer morning or afternoon?” Make the appointment, and then come along for the first few minutes and mentions his libido issues. Then disappear so he can talk to the doctor privately.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve used that language yet.

This is Wifing 101.

Have you never done something for him, just because he wanted it, and has he never done something for you, just because you wanted it? It’s time to start doing that occasionally. We can’t claim that sort of stuff every day, but periodically, it’s totally OK to say, “I know you don’t understand why I want XYZ, but this is really important to me, and I need you to do this. If you have anything like that that is important to you, let me know.”
 
pennybun said:
Wow… well then. I will just ask him nicely to go to the doctor… oh wait, I did that. He decided he didn’t want to go. Ok then, I will bribe him with something or threaten him with the unhappiness of me if he doesn’t go. Doesn’t work? I’ll just get some sort of tranquilizer and roll him into the car and into the doctor’s office. Really guys? You really think I have some sort of moral obligation to force him to go the doctor? You really don’t think I did what I could respectfully do to get him to go? He does not want to go. Short of the ridiculous things I just mentioned, I can do nothing else. Thanks for the help.
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Persistence often pays off with this kind of thing. My brother had a weird growth on his face and he eventually (and it took quite a few months by the way) went to the doctor because I kept bringing up intermittently how worried I was that it was some sort of cancerous growth. He wouldn’t have gone on his own, but he was really relieved to find out that it was nothing to worry about.

Maybe your husband really is insanely tough to get to go to the doctor. The men in my family are the same. When my Dad lost the ability to walk suddenly, he had to be convinced to go to the doctor. Fortunately he was convinced and he didn’t permanently lose the ability to walk because of the tumor in his spine.

It can be really frustrating. I totally understand. But honestly, even if the problem isn’t physical, even if he’s just stressed out and depressed, depression and stress aren’t good for his health in the long run. His lack of libido may not destroy your marriage, but stress and depression or whatever is causing his insanely low libido could destroy his health. It’s worth investigating, and if nothing is seriously wrong great. If something is wrong, then let’s hope it’s caught early.

You can’t make him do anything, and it sounds like you’ve tried really hard to get him to go. He might not go for the sake of his own health. He may eventually go if you keep on about how concerned you are about his health. Believe me, you aren’t the only person with male loved ones who are reluctant to go to the doctor. I wouldn’t give up if I were you, but I totally understand your frustration.
 
Rau said:
Once in 3 months!

May I ask what is your wife’s approach to sex on those occurrences (when it happens). Enthusiastic? Willing? Or resigned to it? I know I lose interest in sex if my wife is not “involved”.
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I should clarify a couple things, I realize. The way I’ve said this it sounds like she has an extremely low libido. Actually, the reality is a little bit different.

We’re practising NFP as we’re waiting until next year to try for kids (we have a trip to India planned this coming December and we don’t want her to be pregnant, or with a newborn at that time). So, we have to keep to our “windows.” The problem is that I do shift work out of town. I’m away at work for one week at a time, and home for one week. Most of the time, I’m home during “unavailable” days, so during her period, while she’s ovulating, etc. So it’s not altogether often that I’m home during our “available” days.

A lot of the time, when we are on available days, she’s ready to go, but I’m not home. And a lot of the time, when we are on available days, and I AM home, she’s not in the mood. Of course, part of the problem is due to this frustrating schedule, a lot of the times we’ve just gotten into a tiff on the available day. But, a lot of the times it’s just that she’s got a low libido and isn’t interested.

So, when we do take advantage of our available days, yes, she’s enthusiastic and definitely willing. She does love being intimate with me. That’s not the problem.
**=Xantippe]**Nope. It is your duty to get your husband to the doctor’s office. Ask any woman of some tenure as a wife–men are famous for being recalcitrant about going to see the doctor or taking care of basic personal health care, and it is a typical wifely duty to overcome the balkiness and the grumbling and make sure that he is healthy.
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I can attest to this, pennybun. Being a husband, I can tell you that my wife is constantly on my case about going to the doctor. Mostly, I’d rather not go, but I do. And that’s not just because my wife insists.

What really turned my outlook on medical checkups was that a friend of mine in his early 30’s went in for a regularly scheduled bloodcheck. He’s the kind of responsible guy that pays attention to his health. If only we were all like that, eh? Well, he went in and they discovered that he had leukemia. Since he did regular bloodchecks, they caught it in its early stages. So early, in fact, that all he has to do is take a pill a day for the rest of his life and the cancer will stay in remission. It literally has no impact on his life. But, if he hadn’t gone in for his regular blood test, they wouldn’t have caught it so early, and it could have made his life a hell.

So, ever since then, I’ve been much more willing to see the doctor. Although, still not as willing as my wife would like me to be. 😃 But, what do you know, I went in and found out that I have hypothyroidism. It explained why I was so lethargic all the time (and had been for about 7-8 years), as well as a number of other symptoms, including my recent weight gain, and memory loss. I realize now that if I had caught it sooner, I wouldn’t have gone from an A+ (97% average) student in high school to a C (67%) student in university (due to poor memory and constantly feeling unmotivated). As a result, if I want to now get my accounting designation, I’ll need to upgrade some of my courses first.

Take this as further proof of male recalcitrance when it comes to healthcare. My friend who is a nurse is going to make his Thesis study for his masters a case in why men care about their health less than women. It’s true. So, take the advice you’re getting here, and stay on your husband’s case about going to the doctor. You (and he) may be very glad you did. 👍
 
Your husband has an alarmingly low sex drive. It bothers and frustrates you. The fact that your husband is not doing everything within his power to fix the problem for your sake and the sake of your marriage is the issue.

He may dislike seeing the physician and he may not want to talk about sexual dysfunction, but he should be willing to do whatever it takes to solve this problem. He should at the least want you to be satisfied.
 
pennybun said:
MrSnaith, Wow. I am so impressed. I saved what you wrote so I can go back and look at it when I’m feeling weak. I could not agree more with everything you said. Thank you!
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No problem pennybun!

Actually, I wasn’t really finished that last post, but I had to run to catch my ride. So, to finish it:

I think one of the biggest reasons I’m keeping a positive outlook with our situation is that our culture is so hypersexual that I feel like, as a Catholic, I should look, act, and be different than that. Yes, the sexual act is very important in Catholic culture. But it is so for very different reasons than the secular culture’s in which we live. Everything in our culture shouts and pushes individual selfish pleasure. Corporations treat employees as “capital.” Human sexuality is used to sell practically anything. Television shows treat sex like a public act, rather than the private one that it is. Greed and lust and manipulation and power and dominance and perversion are the standards of today. This is all so antithetical to our Faith, to true morality and goodness, and to the source of true happiness that in my own marriage I want to stand against today’s standards for the sake of what is good and right and true and beautiful. I don’t want to treat my wife like a personal sex toy, or an object for self-gratification. Yeah, I have a strong libido, but strength must be controlled. That’s what meekness is: strength under control. And Christ said, “Blessed are the meek.” Therefore, I want to control my passions, wild and often overpowering as they may be. I don’t want to just give in, or force myself on her, or anything like that. Sexual intercourse within a marriage is supposed to be about mutual all-self-giving love. If my wife isn’t “there,” then I will patiently wait for her. I’m not successful all the time. I break down and sin. But I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not making her feel pressured. We’ve talked about our situation a lot, and I know what she does and doesn’t like, and I work hard to avoid doing what she doesn’t like. I’ve made progress. For me, now, it’s a matter of overcoming my impure urges, which are worse when I’m away from home. But that will come in time. I feel like I’ve made improvements in that area. So I will continue as I have been. Pray. Confess. Garner the strength from the Lord that He offers you.

And remember, priests practise celibacy all their lives. If they can do that, then you can do it for a couple weeks. And remember also, we do have married Catholic saints who, after being married, made vows of celibacy to each other. I’m not recommending that. I’m merely showing that abstinence isn’t impossible, no matter who you are, and what kind of libido you have. Sex should never be about satisfying a hunger. That’s concupiscence, the subjection of the spiritual will to the bodily desires. That’s our broken nature. True humanity has a spiritual soul that is in full command of the body and its desires, and never “gives in” to the impulses of the flesh, but only does whatever it does for the good of the beloved, whether that be God, or any of His creatures.
 
pennybun said:
Wow… well then. I will just ask him nicely to go to the doctor… oh wait, I did that. He decided he didn’t want to go. Ok then, I will bribe him with something or threaten him with the unhappiness of me if he doesn’t go. Doesn’t work? I’ll just get some sort of tranquilizer and roll him into the car and into the doctor’s office. Really guys? You really think I have some sort of moral obligation to force him to go the doctor? You really don’t think I did what I could respectfully do to get him to go? He does not want to go. Short of the ridiculous things I just mentioned, I can do nothing else. Thanks for the help.
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I completely understand that we can’t force our spouses to do what we want or think they should do. We can ask them to and encourage them to, but we cannot force them to go. However, whether or not they are willing to do what you want them to depends largely on how badly you want them to do it, how important it is to you that they go. If its important enough to you, and you let your spouse see that, then they will do what you ask simply because you want it so badly. So long as they care about your feelings and your desire for something is greater than their resistance against it they will do it for you. Please don’t take this the wrong way, and ignore it if its not helpful, but is it possible you are underestimating the importance of your husband going to the doctor for the sake of his health? And because of this you don’t really think its all that important that he go? Because that is definitely something he would pick up on and could contribute to his refusing to get a check-up. Again, just a thought, feel free to ignore it if it is not helpful.
 
pennybun said:
Um… I guess mine would be like 4 times a week and his would be about once a month. Since starting nfp and having 6 week long cycles, we have basically been having sex about 3 times ever six weeks (give or take). Partly due to us figuring out nfp but even during safe days, it’s just not as frequent as I would like.
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If I were married, I think I’d die if were not too much less than like 4 times a day.

You people…how you do this. I think you both ought to get whatever hormone levels checked, immediately.
 
I haven’t seen anyone else say it, so I’ll say it: In the Catholic understanding of marriage, he has an obligation to have marital relations with you when you ask, within reason of course. It may not be what he wants to do all the time, but why can’t he put aside whatever he would rather be doing and try to accommodate you, at least more often, if not quite as often as you would like?
 
PaulGH said:
I haven’t seen anyone else say it, so I’ll say it: In the Catholic understanding of marriage, he has an obligation to have marital relations with you when you ask, within reason of course. It may not be what he wants to do all the time, but why can’t he put aside whatever he would rather be doing and try to accommodate you, at least more often, if not quite as often as you would like?
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👍

This can be a difficult thing for the spouse who wants more intimacy to express, though. It can come off as a guilt trip even if not meant that way.
 
KonstantinS said:
If I were married, I think I’d die if were not too much less than like 4 times a day. And by like 4 times a day, maybe twice a day.

You people…how you do this. I think you both ought to get whatever hormone levels checked, immediately.
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This thread strikes home with me in a very personal way.
My daughter fell in love with, and married, a nice young man who as it turned out did not care for sex. It was maybe once every six weeks if she was extremely lucky. More often she would go 1-2 months without it. She was at one time convinced she was a sex addict because she wanted sex 4x a week. I told her at the time she was a normal, healthy girl.
Over the years I saw her self-esteem plummet while her husband had his way with the very-little-sex rule.
Of course, he didn’t want to go to the doctor either, and she refused to set up an appointment for him because it had to be of his own choice.
Next month the divorce will go through. 😦
 
I think that a husband or wife should go along with the partner with the stronger sex drive. In fact, according to the Catholic view, a spouse should not deny the partner (unless, naturally, there is a quite good reason for this). This has been called the marriage debt.
This of course may not help the original poster though. But this does seems worth saying here.
 
I am unclear what the impact on a person with a low sex drive actually is. Does it simply mean they are less often desirous of sex, or does it mean that performing sexually is actually difficult?

If the former, then one must question the love they show toward their spouse, when they deny the spouse. Their behaviour appears somewhat selfish. And while they might be lacking desire at the outset, one would anticipate that by the end, they would be feeling somewhat better about it.😉 At least for men that could be expected to be the case.

If in fact it is difficult to perform the act, then greater caution is needed in condemning that person.
 
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