Unexpected Move - Overwhelmed!

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mandajane

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So my husband and I have been living together since our wedding in september. Just after Christmas, we allowed his 17 year old brother to move in with us, after his mother (my MIL) threw him out. He’s been having a hard time with life in general, acting out a lot, not the least of which is his family issues.

Anyway, today I saw my landlord and said hi, and he asked me where we were moving to. I asked what he meant, and he seemed shocked. Apparently at the beginning of the month he delivered notice, taped to our apartment door, that he was asking all tenants to leave at the end of April. I asked if we could have an extension, since I hadn’t heard anything about this, but he was adamant that we could not.

I called my husband, to see if he had heard anything about it, ready to tear him a new one for not telling me. I haven’t even BEGUN to pack. He hadn’t heard anything either. After some digging, we learned that his little brother had taken it down from the door to the apartment, and set it on his desk to give us when we got home, but ‘forgot’ about it.

So I now have to move out on Wednesday, apparently. I’ve cancelled all my plans and spent all day stuffing clothes into trash bags and packing dishes into boxes. Thankfully, we have a friend who owns a building, who has an available apartment and is being kind enough to allow us to rent it without a deposit. While I’m livid at his little brother right now, my bigger concern is, how do you pack a 2 bedroom apartment in 2 days?
 
Big garbage bags and lots of plastic tubs. I went through a similar situation needing to move with a three day window to pack and move. And I had a newborn. A few of my husband’s friends came to help me, going room by room and putting everything into bags or boxes with minimal wrapping. It’s a pain in the neck when you unpack.

Good luck. And maybe this is a good time for little brother to gain some independence.
 
He can’t yet, he doesn’t turn 18 until November. Otherwise I would >.<! We were originally under the impression he was only going to be with us for a few weeks, but that’s apparently not the case.

Thank you for the moving advice though… you’re right. I’ve been spending hours wrapping my dishes in bubble wrap, but I may just need to stuff bubble wrap in the gaps and write fragile on the boxes.
 
mandajane said:
He can’t yet, he doesn’t turn 18 until November. Otherwise I would >.<! We were originally under the impression he was only going to be with us for a few weeks, but that’s apparently not the case.

Thank you for the moving advice though… you’re right. I’ve been spending hours wrapping my dishes in bubble wrap, but I may just need to stuff bubble wrap in the gaps and write fragile on the boxes.
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Oh, and try to move the fragile stuff yourself in your car. 🙂

And clothes make good cushioning for the not-so-fragile stuff.
 
mandajane said:
So my husband and I have been living together since our wedding in september. Just after Christmas, we allowed his 17 year old brother to move in with us, after his mother (my MIL) threw him out. He’s been having a hard time with life in general, acting out a lot, not the least of which is his family issues.

Anyway, today I saw my landlord and said hi, and he asked me where we were moving to. I asked what he meant, and he seemed shocked. Apparently at the beginning of the month he delivered notice, taped to our apartment door, that he was asking all tenants to leave at the end of April. I asked if we could have an extension, since I hadn’t heard anything about this, but he was adamant that we could not.

I called my husband, to see if he had heard anything about it, ready to tear him a new one for not telling me. I haven’t even BEGUN to pack. He hadn’t heard anything either. After some digging, we learned that his little brother had taken it down from the door to the apartment, and set it on his desk to give us when we got home, but ‘forgot’ about it.

So I now have to move out on Wednesday, apparently. I’ve cancelled all my plans and spent all day stuffing clothes into trash bags and packing dishes into boxes. Thankfully, we have a friend who owns a building, who has an available apartment and is being kind enough to allow us to rent it without a deposit. While I’m livid at his little brother right now, my bigger concern is, how do you pack a 2 bedroom apartment in 2 days?
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Can you get some friends to help pack up and move?
 
Good luck! It can be done but you will be exhausted! Hopefully nothing breaks. Get 17yo to help as well as friends. Facebook can help you put out an urgent call. Is the new apartment open or do you have to wait until Wednesday to do it all?
 
I’m confused. The only way to get you to leave is to evict you, isn’t it?

That requires a court order and reasons for eviction. Since it’s for the lardlord’s convience, damages are in order, I would think.

I know this is the last thing you want to think about, but my sense of justice is hurt for you.
 
PaulinVA said:
I’m confused. The only way to get you to leave is to evict you, isn’t it?

That requires a court order and reasons for eviction. Since it’s for the lardlord’s convience, damages are in order, I would think.

I know this is the last thing you want to think about, but my sense of justice is hurt for you.
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I agree. Or at least an extension of time for you to be able to move.

Sticking a note on the door? What if the wind blew it away? It wasn’t communicated properly.
 
PaulinVA said:
I’m confused. The only way to get you to leave is to evict you, isn’t it?

That requires a court order and reasons for eviction. Since it’s for the lardlord’s convience, damages are in order, I would think.

I know this is the last thing you want to think about, but my sense of justice is hurt for you.
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I agree. Think about it!
 
Dacinom said:
I understand your anger against your brother-in-law, however he is still a child. In the midst of all of your stress and anger do all you can to remember that believe it or not teenagers are still children (research has shown their brains are underdeveloped still) I remember myself at age 17, I was a real “air head.” I am not making excuses for his behavior but forgetting something is not that unusual really, I am just so sorry that it is hurting you so much and he probably is too. His life is in total turmoil, he got thrown out of his mother’s home and is living with his newlywed brother so emotionally he must be in a very bad place.

This is a perfect time to discuss with family his living situation. He belongs with his mother, not you and your husband. You are newlyweds trying to build your marriage. Just make sure that when he moves out that the move home is meant to seem like a positive move home, with love vs. you are kicking him out because he forgot the letter. This young man’s life sounds like it is going down the wrong road already he doesn’t need to get kicked out again, he might need a “boost up” and something positive. Hope this helps a little, prayers for you while you are frantically packing, and trying not to lose your temper with your young brother in law. God bless.
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At almost 37 I can be an “air head” still. I agree with this post. Have seen this situation many times. Teens are already having such a rough time growing up, but add in a parent’s broken marriage, bad grades, the temptations of drugs and sex, getting kicked out makes it a million times worse.
 
A lot of posts while I was sleeping, so some short answers.

Where we live, your landlord can ask you to leave without instigating an ‘eviction’ process, provided he gives 30 days notice. This is in events where the landlord needs the building but you did nothing wrong. Our door is inside the building, so ‘wind’ wouldn’t blow it away. I asked my husband to consult his godfather about it (an attorney) and he said the landlord is fully within his rights to have us leave by thursday.

As for my little brother-in-law, I’m not kicking him out, but I am angry. I’ve posted here before about my MIL, so some posters may recognize this messed up situation. The TL;DR is that one of his friends came to him for advice on how to deal with an issue, little brother recommended the priest he had gone to to deal with the same issue, friend went home and mentioned to his mother that little brother had recommended a priest for dealing with said issue, as the priest in question had helped. Friend’s mom called MIL asking what church said priest was at, as little brother had recommended this priest after his own bouts with said issue. MIL didn’t know little brother had had a problem with this issue, and threw him out.

When my husband had been thrown out for the same issue (it’s one VERY COMMON to young men), he just stayed with his grandmother for a few weeks. As that grandmother has passed, we allowed him to use our spare bedroom, and have been taking him to school, paying for his food and clothes and school activities. It’s worsening an already severely strained relationship between us and MIL, as we can’t really afford a 17 year old’s expenses. We, and he, have had to cut back immensely to make it work.
 
I’d take my time moving out and make the landlord go through the proper legal channels to evict me. There isn’t much that he can do if he doesn’t like it.
 
Mandajane, I just wanted to say that you’re amazing to take on your BIL. Kids that age can challenging to say the least. He’s a lucky kid to have you in his life. His mom sounds like a piece of work.

Sorry about the move. It’s a huge hassle, but it can be done. Good luck.
 
Dacinom said:
I understand your anger against your brother-in-law, however he is still a child. In the midst of all of your stress and anger do all you can to remember that believe it or not teenagers are still children (research has shown their brains are underdeveloped still) I remember myself at age 17, I was a real “air head.” I am not making excuses for his behavior but forgetting something is not that unusual really, I am just so sorry that it is hurting you so much and he probably is too. His life is in total turmoil, he got thrown out of his mother’s home and is living with his newlywed brother so emotionally he must be in a very bad place.

This is a perfect time to discuss with family his living situation. He belongs with his mother, not you and your husband. You are newlyweds trying to build your marriage. Just make sure that when he moves out that the move home is meant to seem like a positive move home, with love vs. you are kicking him out because he forgot the letter. This young man’s life sounds like it is going down the wrong road already he doesn’t need to get kicked out again, he might need a “boost up” and something positive. Hope this helps a little, prayers for you while you are frantically packing, and trying not to lose your temper with your young brother in law. God bless.
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Slightly OT, but I honestly don’t understand the 17YO-is-still-a-child mentality.

At 17, with your parents’ permission, you can die for your country.

At 17, I was going to school and making decent (not spectacular, but well over 3.0 GPA) grades and working three jobs. Yes, three. I can’t imagine that I’m that much of an outlier. Did I make some mistakes? Sure, but I never did anything on that level, and if I were in the situation the BIL is in right now, I would work particularly hard to achieve several goals, especially that of being a strong contributor to the household in light of the fact that they’re letting him live there. Not giving the primary renters a letter from their landlord? How naïve is this kid?! He’s supposed to be on his own in less than a year, and it doesn’t occur to him that a letter from the landlord might be important? Egads. If he doesn’t have a job, that might be the first step for him to mature a bit–i.e., having to be at work on time, having responsibilities at work, and being expected to contribute X amount per paycheck to the running of the household.

To the original question: I’ve done it, but it’s hard. Go room by room, don’t leave the room for anything more than a quick food/bathroom break until you’re completely packed up. Stock up on coffee or your caffeinated beverage of choice. Give the 17YO specific and explicit tasks: “Box up every book in this room, and tell me as soon as you’re finished. Ok, now empty the pantry into these boxes.” Etc. Post on FB that you need help moving. If the 17YO has any responsible friends, have him enlist them. (Tell them it’s good practice for inevitable college moves. 😛 )

You can do it, just stay focused on each task until it’s done, then move on to the next one. That’s the key to not getting overwhelmed. Good luck, and let us know how it turns out!
 
mandajane said:
So my husband and I have been living together since our wedding in september. Just after Christmas, we allowed his 17 year old brother to move in with us, after his mother (my MIL) threw him out. He’s been having a hard time with life in general, acting out a lot, not the least of which is his family issues.

Anyway, today I saw my landlord and said hi, and he asked me where we were moving to. I asked what he meant, and he seemed shocked. Apparently at the beginning of the month he delivered notice, taped to our apartment door, that he was asking all tenants to leave at the end of April. I asked if we could have an extension, since I hadn’t heard anything about this, but he was adamant that we could not.

I called my husband, to see if he had heard anything about it, ready to tear him a new one for not telling me. I haven’t even BEGUN to pack. He hadn’t heard anything either. After some digging, we learned that his little brother had taken it down from the door to the apartment, and set it on his desk to give us when we got home, but ‘forgot’ about it.

So I now have to move out on Wednesday, apparently. I’ve cancelled all my plans and spent all day stuffing clothes into trash bags and packing dishes into boxes. Thankfully, we have a friend who owns a building, who has an available apartment and is being kind enough to allow us to rent it without a deposit. While I’m livid at his little brother right now, my bigger concern is, how do you pack a 2 bedroom apartment in 2 days?
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Honey it’s possible I moved from a 3 bedroom house to a 1 bedroom and vice versa 1 bedroom to a house all in a day each time. Call in the brigade. Friends and family will do a lot of free pizza and beer. Ask for help from your local priest if need be but plan on spending a good 24 hours doing nothing but packing. It’s not fun but possible. Granted what he did was not cool but he’s 17 and probably just forgot. I thought you were going to reveal he stole a car or personal possessions or was doing drugs. While annoying it’s not the end of the world. Make sure and put him to work though in helping you move. He has no excuse not too…after all he’s only 17 and should be full of energy and maybe next time if he has to slave a bit with manual labor he’ll pay more attention to the landlord notices.
 
You got loads of great advice, and this is slightly off topic, but jumped out at me. Shouldn’t MIL be paying you child support? What’s the legal situation look like? You should be legally designated as Legal Guardians. What if BIL needed medial treatment, can you sign/ authorize treatment?

After you get settled it might make sense to contact an attny or social services to make this situation a little better for you legally. You could get a stipend from social services as foster parents to alleviate a little of the financial pressure.
 
MIL lives about 2 blocks from us, and while she isn’t paying child support, she has been still paying his tuition to the Catholic high school he attends. When we sat down with FIL about the situation (When it’d been about 2 weeks and MIL was still saying he wasn’t “allowed to bring such GODLESSNESS back into her house!”) he said that if anything came up, to call him, but it’d be better to keep our heads down and let this all ‘blow over’. DH and I have not talked to his younger brother about the financial burden on us, because I know he feels terrible enough about the situation. DH told him when he moved in, so long as he kept his grades up, and helped out around the house (which he does without complaint) he could stay. I told DH to go talk to FIL about the financial burden on us and ask for a little assistance (HOW CAN 17 YEAR OLD BOYS EAT SO MUCH!?!), but he’s too proud, and thinks if his parents realize he can’t support a 17 year old, they’ll be unsupportive when we have a child as we’re ‘not ready’.

Legally, FIL & MIL are still his legal guardians, His mailing address is still their house, his school still sends grades and bills to that house. It’s still the address on his driver’s license, but he stays at our house, eats out of our fridge, uses our utilities, spends hours a day on our tv playing xbox. Meanwhile his mother crows about how ‘quiet’ and ‘godly’ her house is. Easter was a minefield. We ended up not attending Easter dinner at her house as she called me to make sure I was aware that while my husband and I were, of course, welcome, her 17 year old sun was not.

Sorry, this whole situation is stressful, and I’m just trying to keep my household, and this kid, above water until he turns 18 and can get on some kind of public assistance to help with the bills.
 
mandajane said:
MIL lives about 2 blocks from us, and while she isn’t paying child support, she has been still paying his tuition to the Catholic high school he attends. When we sat down with FIL about the situation (When it’d been about 2 weeks and MIL was still saying he wasn’t “allowed to bring such GODLESSNESS back into her house!”) he said that if anything came up, to call him, but it’d be better to keep our heads down and let this all ‘blow over’. DH and I have not talked to his younger brother about the financial burden on us, because I know he feels terrible enough about the situation. DH told him when he moved in, so long as he kept his grades up, and helped out around the house (which he does without complaint) he could stay. I told DH to go talk to FIL about the financial burden on us and ask for a little assistance (HOW CAN 17 YEAR OLD BOYS EAT SO MUCH!?!), but he’s too proud, and thinks if his parents realize he can’t support a 17 year old, they’ll be unsupportive when we have a child as we’re ‘not ready’.

Legally, FIL & MIL are still his legal guardians, His mailing address is still their house, his school still sends grades and bills to that house. It’s still the address on his driver’s license, but he stays at our house, eats out of our fridge, uses our utilities, spends hours a day on our tv playing xbox. Meanwhile his mother crows about how ‘quiet’ and ‘godly’ her house is. Easter was a minefield. We ended up not attending Easter dinner at her house as she called me to make sure I was aware that while my husband and I were, of course, welcome, her 17 year old sun was not.

Sorry, this whole situation is stressful, and I’m just trying to keep my household, and this kid, above water until he turns 18 and can get on some kind of public assistance to help with the bills.
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I think your DH needs to put his pride aside and call his father for money. Yes, 17 year olds have enormous appetites, there are few newly married young people who could sustain that. Your DH can’t let his new family suffer to please/ support his family of origin.

If his father would EVER have the nerve to question how you two could afford to have a baby, the first response is “I don’t think questioning us on our ability to raise/ govern a family is a place you want to go. Nor would it be productive.” Honestly, you’d have 17 years of pay raises and potential career advancements before you’d be dealing with this situation. A newborn can eat for free! 🙂
 
IMHO (and my husband’s) throwing her son out for something small, which he sought guidance for from his father, and then his priest, because she was ‘so offended’ about it, hearing about it from a third party, after he had begun working on it.

Overall, he’s a good kid. He has good grades, he is generally respectful, goes to church with us without complaint, helps me clean to make up for living with us. He’s never been out late without getting permission from us and his father, and has never failed to do any small favors I asked for (like going to the corner store to buy milk, taking out the trash, running this or that over to so-and-so’s).

His mother’s rejection of him, at least in my mind, is because she’s very very controlling, and she’s probably more angry that she wasn’t allowed to ‘punish’ him for whatever he did, and so is punishing him like this. This is the same woman who insisted they’d help with our wedding expenses, then bailed on doing so. This is the same woman who threw a fit when my husband informed her it was not okay for her to plan a vacation to our honeymoon destination during our honeymoon, and we would not ‘share a hotel room’ to save costs. This is the same woman who tried to call me and get my BBT and mucus information so she could keep a chart on my cycle and call my husband to remind him when we should have sex so she can have a grandchild sooner.

From what I can tell, she needs to be needed, and becomes rather upset when people aren’t constantly involving her in every aspect of their lives.
 
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