Unfaithful boyfriend

[jamie95]

how should a catholic girlfriend deal with a boyfriend who has cheated on her but has promised to stop seeing the other person already. this is not the first time that this has happend. the reason i got as to why dated her was…“she’s more religious than you are.” should i continue to forgive or is it time to move on? should i believe him when he now tells me that he’ll be more committed this time?

 

[CatholicCid]

Well, I don’t have much experience in this area myself, so this is just opinion… But I would move on if I were you…
If he has cheated in the past and cheat recently… Unless he goes through a major change and takes time to review his morals… Well, as they say “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”
Also, if he’s making up excuses like " the reason i got as to why dated her was…“she’s more religious than you are.”"
Kinda seems to be his way to justify his cheating on you… and try to make it seem like it’s your fault…

I would end it, but try remaining friends (then again, I say that for every relationship)

 

[kp1]

Sweetie move on!

If he can not repect you now, what hope is there for a future! This is the reason why we date, to find our mate.

I also find it kind of hypocritical that he went out with someone else because they were more religious. Sounds like he is trying to find himself first.

Get out while you can, a better fish is around here somewhere.

 

[cargopilot]

Hi jamie95,

Well, it’s totally your call. Since neither one of you are married, you’re under no obligation to be ‘faithful’.

Assuming both of you are living your life in accordance with the teaching of the Church, and being faithful to God, both of you are celibate, so there isn’t any worry of the many, many pit-falls of pre-marital sex. That makes both of you free to ‘date’ whomever you want. You could ‘move on’ or continue to see him. You could even see him AND others.

My personal opinion? I would see less of him and more of others. Keep your faith at the forefront in all decisions. If you are of marriagable age and desire that, identify the most important charisteristics of a potential spouse and look for that.

Have fun.

 

[Katie1723]

cargopilot:

Hi jamie95,

Well, it’s totally your call. Since neither one of you are married, you’re under no obligation to be ‘faithful’…

What??? Married or not, if you are in a relationship, fidelity should be at the forefront. Goodness, I wouldn’t want my BF/GF seeing others unless that is the sort of relationship you BOTH wanted.
And excuse me, but once a cheater, always a cheater. She should demand more of her partner and move on.
~ Kathy ~

 

[StratusRose]

One of the most aspects of ANY relationship is TRUST. Can you trust this guy? The “more religious than you” comment is completely asinine. If the other girl was more religious she wouldn’t have gone along with the cheating. If my boyfriend had cheated on me once it would have been over immediately…even if he had thought about it. A relationship cannot exist with 3 people in the equasion. Think about how much happier you would be in a relationship where cheating is a non-issue. Take it from my Mom, my Dad cheated on her all the time. She even knew that he cheated on his previous wife but didn’t pick up the hint! There are plenty of fish in the sea. Time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t have to be that way.

 

[cargopilot]

Katie1723:

What??? Married or not, if you are in a relationship, fidelity should be at the forefront. Goodness, I wouldn’t want my BF/GF seeing others unless that is the sort of relationship you BOTH wanted.
And excuse me, but once a cheater, always a cheater. She should demand more of her partner and move on.
~ Kathy ~

Hi Kathy,

As one who has been married for many years, I have never, ever cheated on my dear wife. Not once, not even close.

Before we became engaged, we did ‘date’ others. Once we were engaged, that was it. Neither one of us has ever ‘seen’ anyone else, since. How else were we to know that this was the one?

Assuming that one adheres to our Catholic teaching about pre-marital sex, what is the harm in ‘playing the field’? Would you want your teenage child to ‘lock in’ to only BF/GF, at a time? Of course, one does have to draw a line as to their own comfort level when it comes to an exclusive relationship. But I maintain that until engagement, and certainly marriage, that there is NOTHING wrong with seeing others. You’re not married 'til you’re MARRIED.

 

[cargopilot]

StratusRose:

One of the most aspects of ANY relationship is TRUST. Can you trust this guy? The “more religious than you” comment is completely asinine. If the other girl was more religious she wouldn’t have gone along with the cheating. If my boyfriend had cheated on me once it would have been over immediately…even if he had thought about it. A relationship cannot exist with 3 people in the equasion. Think about how much happier you would be in a relationship where cheating is a non-issue. Take it from my Mom, my Dad cheated on her all the time. She even knew that he cheated on his previous wife but didn’t pick up the hint! There are plenty of fish in the sea. Time to move on. Relationships shouldn’t have to be that way.

Hi StratusRose,

I fully argee with your statement “One of the most aspects of ANY relationship is TRUST.”

I also agree the “more religious than you” remark is pretty lame, and you may be right, it may be time for her to move on, but maybe not. It’s very hard for us in the cyber-world to make a call like that for someone.

It sounds like you are not married, and that you are also the product of a so-called ‘blended family’. That’s not your fault, but, like it or not, that places you at a much higher risk of divorce.

Respectfully, I have to disagree with your position that one must always remain completely faithful to someone who is just a BF/GF. Again, assuming complete adherance to the Church with regard to pre-marital sex, there is NO HARM and you are NOT CHEATING on a BF/GF. You are not engaged or married.

Now, once you get to the point that nothing but an exclusive relationship is desired, then it is time to consider getting engaged to be married.

Go ahead and rip on me, but I know what works, and doesn’t. You need to be absolutely certain that the one you marry is the one you can and will spend the rest of your life with. Don’t be fooled by ‘playing married’ or you’ll end up in divorce court, for sure.

 

[1ke]

jamie95:

how should a catholic girlfriend deal with a boyfriend who has cheated on her but has promised to stop seeing the other person already. this is not the first time that this has happend. the reason i got as to why dated her was…“she’s more religious than you are.” should i continue to forgive or is it time to move on? should i believe him when he now tells me that he’ll be more committed this time?

A man who does not respect you is not a man you want to date. Find a man who values and respects you, this man does not.

 

[puzzleannie]

jamie95:

how should a catholic girlfriend deal with a boyfriend who has cheated on her but has promised to stop seeing the other person already. this is not the first time that this has happend. the reason i got as to why dated her was…“she’s more religious than you are.” should i continue to forgive or is it time to move on? should i believe him when he now tells me that he’ll be more committed this time?

how can there be cheating in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? by definition that is a dating relationship based on social interaction where two people meet periodically to engage in activities of mutual interest, to get to know one another better, possibly with a view to future courtship, engagement and marriage (before which time, of course, no sexual activity is permitted or will occur).

There is no covenant, no agreement other than a casual social one, so either party spending time with other people of the same or opposite sex should not pose any problem.

A more serious relationship would be actual engagement to be married, or marriage itself. At that time, dating other people would indeed be infidelity. boyfriend-girlfriend does not imply any commitment, it is a relationship with casual beginnings and endings. If you want commitment get married. naturally I assume that no unity or contract implied by sexual activity is involved here.

if by “cheating” you mean that he is actually engaging in a sexual relationship with another woman, that certainly denotes that neither he or the lady is burdened by any “religious” concerns, and he is certainly nobody you want to waste time on or even grant the time of day.

 

[Fitz]

I agree with the advice about trust. It does not usually get better once you marry someone. I have three daughters and when they get their hearts broken I tell them that God has a better plan for them, and that they need to move on. Bad boyfriends make worse husbands. I think you need your self respect too. If by “cheating” you are meaning that he had a sexual relationship with another, then don’t walk away from him, RUN! That could endanger you physically as well as emotionally.

Don’t let anyone make fun of your religion if they expect to have a place in your heart. Your body is sacred and when you enter into a marriage that is blessed by God you want someone alongside of you that believes marriage is sacred.

 

[cargopilot]

puzzleannie:

how can there be cheating in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? by definition that is a dating relationship based on social interaction where two people meet periodically to engage in activities of mutual interest, to get to know one another better, possibly with a view to future courtship, engagement and marriage (before which time, of course, no sexual activity is permitted or will occur).

There is no covenant, no agreement other than a casual social one, so either party spending time with other people of the same or opposite sex should not pose any problem.

A more serious relationship would be actual engagement to be married, or marriage itself. At that time, dating other people would indeed be infidelity. boyfriend-girlfriend does not imply any commitment, it is a relationship with casual beginnings and endings. If you want commitment get married. naturally I assume that no unity or contract implied by sexual activity is involved here.

if by “cheating” you mean that he is actually engaging in a sexual relationship with another woman, that certainly denotes that neither he or the lady is burdened by any “religious” concerns, and he is certainly nobody you want to waste time on or even grant the time of day.

Yeah, that’s it, puzzleannie. A good, solid Texas answer.

I just couldn’t say the ‘sexual relationship’ part.

Thank you for saying it better than I could.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif

 

[StratusRose]

cargopilot:

Hi StratusRose,

I fully argee with your statement “One of the most aspects of ANY relationship is TRUST.”

I also agree the “more religious than you” remark is pretty lame, and you may be right, it may be time for her to move on, but maybe not. It’s very hard for us in the cyber-world to make a call like that for someone.

It sounds like you are not married, and that you are also the product of a so-called ‘blended family’. That’s not your fault, but, like it or not, that places you at a much higher risk of divorce.

Respectfully, I have to disagree with your position that one must always remain completely faithful to someone who is just a BF/GF. Again, assuming complete adherance to the Church with regard to pre-marital sex, there is NO HARM and you are NOT CHEATING on a BF/GF. You are not engaged or married.

Now, once you get to the point that nothing but an exclusive relationship is desired, then it is time to consider getting engaged to be married.

Go ahead and rip on me, but I know what works, and doesn’t. You need to be absolutely certain that the one you marry is the one you can and will spend the rest of your life with. Don’t be fooled by ‘playing married’ or you’ll end up in divorce court, for sure.

You may know what works for you, but that may not work for other people. I have a hard time believing that you don’t think a couple should be in a stable, exclusive relationship before marrying or even getting engaged. What if this guy was sleeping with other women? Doesn’t that also insinuate lack of respect for this poor girl who started the thread? Why would someone give that guy a second chance when there are plenty of good men out there who believe in a monogamous relationship? Just because I come from a “blended family” does not mean that I don’t know how these things work. I am in a monogamous, Christian relationship with my boyfriend. We don’t live together, don’t have intercourse, and we are dedicated to each other. If he told me one day that he wanted to date someone else while still seeing me, I’d show him the door. The last thing I want is a guy who does not know what he wants. Bye bye! I have better things to do with my time.

I see what you mean about dating around and seeing what kind of person you want to marry, but how long does that have to last, until the the day before the wedding? Or do you believe in arranged marriages? I am really confused here.

If one wants to date around and not be faithful, then that should be established immediately when a girl and a guy get together. Then expectations will be low and no one’s feelings will be hurt. But, this guy went behind her back, deceived her, betrayed her feelings, probably sinned with another girl, then didn’t take responsiblility for his actions! Would you want to stay with someone like that?

I am sorry if this post sounds a little heated. I have seen first hand what cheating can do to a person. With all due respect, I don’t mean to offend you, I would just like you to clarify your position because right now it is not making sense to me. :nope:

 

[newf]

I agree with you, StratusRose.

I have been married for many years. Back in the days when I was dating, if you had a ‘boyfriend’ it meant you didn’t date other girls. I believe today they call it ‘going out’. We used to call it ‘going steady’. If you wanted to date others, you ‘broke up’.

I think cargopilot might be using the terms differently than we are. He makes sense if we define a boyfriend as a ‘boy who is a friend’, having no commitment…we would then be in agreement.

And, btw, I don’t think your post sounded heated at all. You sound like a neat lady who knows what’s right and wrong.

 

[StratusRose]

newf:

And, btw, I don’t think your post sounded heated at all. You sound like a neat lady who knows what’s right and wrong.

Hey, thanks!

 

[maendem]

puzzleannie:

how can there be cheating in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? by definition that is a dating relationship based on social interaction where two people meet periodically to engage in activities of mutual interest, to get to know one another better, possibly with a view to future courtship, engagement and marriage (before which time, of course, no sexual activity is permitted or will occur).

There is no covenant, no agreement other than a casual social one, so either party spending time with other people of the same or opposite sex should not pose any problem.

A more serious relationship would be actual engagement to be married, or marriage itself. At that time, dating other people would indeed be infidelity. boyfriend-girlfriend does not imply any commitment, it is a relationship with casual beginnings and endings. If you want commitment get married. naturally I assume that no unity or contract implied by sexual activity is involved here.

if by “cheating” you mean that he is actually engaging in a sexual relationship with another woman, that certainly denotes that neither he or the lady is burdened by any “religious” concerns, and he is certainly nobody you want to waste time on or even grant the time of day.

AMEN! During my dating years, I enjoyed seeing several men at the same time - no commitment (physically or verbally) was involved; that’s what dating is all about, provided you are clear about your intentions, and do not play with people’s hearts.

Then I met my husband. We knew by the first date we were going to get married. He bought the ring three months later, and we were married 8 months later. As Annie said - if you want commitment, get married. Marriage for us has been sheer joy; we just wish we had done it sooner!

The long, extended boyfriend-girlfriend thing in which neither is ready for a formal commitment, yet both expect exclusive attention from the other can be unhealthy–kind of like a 5 year engagement. (Yes, yes, there’s always exceptions…) On the other hand, if no sexual activity is involved, then the decision stay with a “cheater” has nothing to do with whether you’re Christian or not, but whether you’re a sensible woman. If you can’t trust him, if he seems to want to be with someone else…why do you want to be with him? Confront him, and move on. Never SETTLE.

 

[EsclavoDeCristo]

puzzleannie:

how can there be cheating in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship? by definition that is a dating relationship based on social interaction where two people meet periodically to engage in activities of mutual interest, to get to know one another better, possibly with a view to future courtship, engagement and marriage (before which time, of course, no sexual activity is permitted or will occur).

There is no covenant, no agreement other than a casual social one, so either party spending time with other people of the same or opposite sex should not pose any problem.

A more serious relationship would be actual engagement to be married, or marriage itself. At that time, dating other people would indeed be infidelity. boyfriend-girlfriend does not imply any commitment, it is a relationship with casual beginnings and endings. If you want commitment get married. naturally I assume that no unity or contract implied by sexual activity is involved here.

if by “cheating” you mean that he is actually engaging in a sexual relationship with another woman, that certainly denotes that neither he or the lady is burdened by any “religious” concerns, and he is certainly nobody you want to waste time on or even grant the time of day.

Agreed 100%. Thanks for articulating what I was thinking! My question is, Was this a serious, thinking about marriage relationship?

 

[AmyS]

Okay, the point of dating, I thought, is to find that person you want to marry had have children with. Commitment can start there. It all depends. His behavior is a reflection into who he is… Is this someone you would want to marry, and have children with? I was just talking about relationships to my daughter the other day. I told her that love is less about “feelings” and more about “actions” it is a decision to be made.

 

[cargopilot]

StratusRose:

You may know what works for you, but that may not work for other people.
I see what you mean about dating around and seeing what kind of person you want to marry, but how long does that have to last, until the the day before the wedding? Or do you believe in arranged marriages? I am really confused here…

…I am sorry if this post sounds a little heated. I have seen first hand what cheating can do to a person. With all due respect, I don’t mean to offend you, I would just like you to clarify your position because right now it is not making sense to me. :nope:

Sure, no problem. I will be happy to clarify anything you might be confused about, regarding my statements, and no offense is taken. In my almost 50 years, I have been on the receiving end of bullets, much less ‘offending’ words. You can’t hurt my ‘feelings’, so don’t worry.

I understand you’re young and un-married, and you might believe the ways of older people are stupid and archaic. When I was young all the old people were stupid, too. Heck, in my case, my parents didn’t even have a brain until I was almost thirty.

Now, with regard to your concerns. I understand that I am unlikely to cause any change of heart in your mind with regard to my earlier comments. Firstly, all remarks assume that the individual young person is living their life following ALL the teachings of the Church, primarily, NO PREMARITAL SEX. Following that key teaching, let’s follow a relationship that is, for sake of this discussion, very simplified.

Level 1: Boy meets Girl. There is a little spark, as each one has some interest in the other. They are both dating others, but nothing serious. I think we’re still OK here about ‘dating’ others.

Level 2: Both are more than casually interested in each other, and are calling and seeing each other more often, but are a long ways from being CONVINCED that this is the one to marry, or one or the other doesn’t desire marriage at this time. Is this where we diverge? You see, I still believe that this couple is free to see others, as they see fit. What if one isn’t ready to marry at this time, but the other one is? Should the one who is ready to marry wait for the other to get ready? What if that time never comes? Both are still free.

Level 3: Both are very ‘attached’ to the other, now, though things being what they are, one is probably more attached than the other. You might say they are going ‘steady’. I’m fairly certain we diverge, by now. I still believe that both are free to date others, but most will think that there is a kind of ‘obligation’ to remain ‘faithful’ to their ‘steady’ BF/GF. They should not begin to play married. They should either get engaged or bail. Extended steady relationships invite occasions of sin and is unfair to the one who is more involved. If there are outside reasons for this to not go to the next level, such as school, etc., then they should have not allowed it to get to this point.

Level 4: Engagement. I believe we will begin to converge our viewpoints on dating others. Now I believe the importance of being faithful kicks-in. I don’t believe that either should date others, at this time. EXCEPT, you’re still not married yet. If you don’t think something’s right, or someone comes along who, without a doubt is ‘more’ right, then dis-engage, and move to Level 2, or break it off.

Level 5: Marriage. We probably agree. No dating of others, no cheating, no divorce. You are one flesh, 'til death do you part. Th,th,th,th,that’s all, folks.

As for ‘arranged marriages’? No.

And the question of pre-marital sex you mentioned? Well, that really complicates things. Throws the whole deal off-kilter. But we’re all sinners, well, maybe not you, but me, and everyone else I know is.http://forums.catholic-questions.org/images/icons/icon12.gif Introducing variables like that, makes it all the more important to date around and avoid pre-marital sex.

Kids, this stuff is serious. Marriage is the most important thing you’re likely to ever do. Divorce happens, families are torn apart, children’s lives are shattered. If you ‘fly by the numbers’ and follow ALL the teachings of the Church, you’ll have a long and happy marriage.

 

[wabrams]

StratusRose:

You may know what works for you, but that may not work for other people. I have a hard time believing that you don’t think a couple should be in a stable, exclusive relationship before marrying or even getting engaged. What if this guy was sleeping with other women? Doesn’t that also insinuate lack of respect for this poor girl who started the thread? Why would someone give that guy a second chance when there are plenty of good men out there who believe in a monogamous relationship? Just because I come from a “blended family” does not mean that I don’t know how these things work. I am in a monogamous, Christian relationship with my boyfriend. We don’t live together, don’t have intercourse, and we are dedicated to each other. If he told me one day that he wanted to date someone else while still seeing me, I’d show him the door. The last thing I want is a guy who does not know what he wants. Bye bye! I have better things to do with my time.

I see what you mean about dating around and seeing what kind of person you want to marry, but how long does that have to last, until the the day before the wedding? Or do you believe in arranged marriages? I am really confused here.

If one wants to date around and not be faithful, then that should be established immediately when a girl and a guy get together. Then expectations will be low and no one’s feelings will be hurt. But, this guy went behind her back, deceived her, betrayed her feelings, probably sinned with another girl, then didn’t take responsiblility for his actions! Would you want to stay with someone like that?

I am sorry if this post sounds a little heated. I have seen first hand what cheating can do to a person. With all due respect, I don’t mean to offend you, I would just like you to clarify your position because right now it is not making sense to me. :nope:

AMEN! I’m definately on your boat.