Unfaithful Husband (Pt 2)... Give Up?

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Hey, Iris.
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  One small piece of information for you:  I actually looked over the Book of Hosea two nights ago, and all I could discern from what I read is that God wanted Hosea to marry a prostitute named Gomer.  She was a prostitute before she got married.  Then it talks about the children she had with him.  Not much is said about their actual marriage at all.  What God was trying to prove with this union is the similarity between their marriage and the relationship between God and Israel.  (Israel is the "harlot", of course.)  The point is that God is always waiting for the heretics, like the Israelites, to turn to Him and His ultimate Truth.  Most of the Book of Hosea talks about this situation with Israel - not a (rocky?) marriage between Hosea and Gomer.  My point is, I guess, I don't think God expects you to wait for the possible conversion of heretics.  Really, that's His job.  Don't try to do His job; you are not equipped to do so as a limited human being.  Or at least leave that job in a limited fashion to the nuns and priests of this world.  Your job right now is mother and (unfortunately) provider.  Everything else is secondary.  If getting a divorce will help you do this job better, then by all means, do so.  If your husband wants to fix himself, then maybe at this point he should do that on his own time - not yours.
Tracy
 
Iris79 said:
Tracy I’m really sorry about you’re situation. I know one day our storm clouds will pass, and then the sun will shine again. 🙂

Yesterday my husband called. I asked about his myspace and he said that he didn’t respond to the status question, so it has him as single. He said that he has started to see a counselor because he hopes to be the husband I need, and the father our kids need. **That he needs to get better if our family is to come back together.

I told h that priest had suggested divorce. H said that might be the right direction to take.** However, he has no desire to get a divorce. My husband said that he loves me with all of his heart and that he loves our kids.

My husband said that he wants everything to work out but there is something holding him back–things that happened to him. So he is trying to deal with all of his issues and doesn’t really know what is going to happen.
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Iris, even your husband admits to the possibility that divorce is the right direction.
He has also correctly stated what must happen before he can return.

Whether or not you divorce him, you can always rejoin him at a later time should he be truly sincere – but the opposite is not true. You do have quite a bit of risk because of the violent nature associated with drinking that he has.

I am neither your support group, nor judge. I am myself seperate from my wife – I left – and have been taking medication for depression caused by my wife’s treatment of me and my children. I went to counselling for three years with her to try and overcome the problems while she tried repetitively to manipulate the counsellors and refused to take any objective advice from anyone. I went back to college which I dropped out of so many years before because of some drunk priest who happened to be a bit violent – and because of the bad example of one of the heads of the college.

I have had a pedophile priest as a pastor, protestant employers who used illegally obtained knowledge of the pedophile priest and other facts to attempt what amounts to extortion, my wife betrayed me and undermined me for years, my inlaws called the police on me – accused me of rape in order to “help” me flunk out of college when I went back … all of my sister in laws all have broken marriages… etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.

I have had a lot happen to me too – I don’t drink but a glass every three months.
And I still take care of my kids and I make sure they are cared for most of the week.

Not one of my siblings or cousins is in a broken marriage, not one has left the faith but my California raised inlaws have about two memebers in the whole extended family who are still catholic.

You will probably ignore my advice, but, your husband needs to straigten out for a long period of time BEFORE he comes home – and even then it ought to be done slowly and with an objective third party / catholic counsellor. Taking walks is a good thing – I’ve worn out several pair of shoes – it’s worth it. God has a plan for you with or without him, but it can’t happen without your cooperation and stability.

I am working with my wife – but not in such a way that she can do what she did before again.

Hosea is a beautiful story – but one wherein the woman is the unfaithful one and it is God who is her master. Not only that, Hosea was told by God exactly what his wife was to be like – Hosea didn’t go in blind and hoping.

God has the right to mete out punishment, and he is the one whom should his faithfulness be breakable, there would be no hope for mankind at all.
Northern Israel refused to heed the warning of Hosea – she was destroyed – she did not come back to God.
 
Hello, Iris and Huiou.

“Whether or not you divorce him, you can always rejoin him at a later time should he be truly sincere – but the opposite is not true. You do have quite a bit of risk because of the violent nature associated with drinking that he has.”

Huiou, I would imagine this is true, but she can’t do this if she finds somebody else. Lord knows if I split up with my husband, I’d be LOOKING whenever I had the chance. But then again, my priorities may not be in the best of order. 😃

“You will probably ignore my advice, but, your husband needs to straigten out for a long period of time BEFORE he comes home – and even then it ought to be done slowly and with an objective third party / catholic counsellor. Taking walks is a good thing – I’ve worn out several pair of shoes – it’s worth it. God has a plan for you with or without him, but it can’t happen without your cooperation and stability.”

Iris, he’s right about this. I’d listen to the man. But see, she could find somebody else by then, that’s the thing? Why be alone? Oh, well, that’s just my need for affection talking again.

Tracy
 
Because Iris has no more ability to look into the unknown fututre than you or I, her responsibility is to deal with reality– **the here and now, the given facts. **

The fact is that her always-absent husband is a threat as long as the marriage is intact under the law. The facts is that her always-absent, adulterous and abusive husband exhibits profound and multiple indications of being a living, breathing impliment to the sacramentality of the marriage. The fact is priests have advised her to leave. The fact is Iris has been offered many powerful warnings to protect herself and her child but ignores them to, instead, latch onto the weakest, least realistic suggestions of the whole bunch.

Many posters have mentioned if/when Iris’ husband changes. My bigger concern, Iris, is whether or not you will change.
 
Tracyms1974 said:
Hello, Iris and Huiou.

…

Huiou, I would imagine this is true, but she can’t do this if she finds somebody else. Lord knows if I split up with my husband, I’d be LOOKING whenever I had the chance. But then again, my priorities may not be in the best of order. 😃

…

Tracy
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Well Tracy, I doun’t doubt you would. I even know a woman, Barbara, who was in Iris’ position. Her husband did significant damage to her and the children, physical abuse became the norm toward the end. Barbara finally divorced him – and yes, whenever she met a nice man we would hear her talking about the “silver fox” she went out with.

There was one dalliance where she almost did re-marry, but after all these years she is still single – Larry never did heal, he did remarry several other poor women each more battered than the last. But more importantly, Barbara is finally happy. Her children are raised, her friends are genuine, and she finally landed a six digit job this year with which to retire on.

She has holy guts, and God blessed her. The first years were hard for her – she moved out to eastern Oregon – a desert – to try and straighten out her teenage daughter. That’s the only way she could deal with her wildness – and it worked.

Even if Barbara had remarried, the church had already looked at the mental alcoholic issues of her husband and decreed she was free. But she had more guts even than that, and no one can take her children away now. Two children she can be very proud of today.

If Larry had straightened out, it might be a different world today – She never lost the option – He did.
 
monicatholic said:
Many posters have mentioned if/when Iris’ husband changes. My bigger concern, Iris, is whether or not you will change.
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Absolutely. Change is hard. It is frightening. It is something we often work hard to avoid…clinging to familiar patterns that are actually very harmful. I think though for quite a lot of us that the challenges presented by this need to change are actually our path to sanctity. It’s easy to do nothing, but often it is the uphill battle that is what is really needed. Once you get yourself in motion, Iris, you might just find yourself stronger than you had ever imagined.
 
Hi everyone, just been busy lately. It’s the never ending story. My life… Tracy I chuckled about what you wrote about another guy. But I just cant do that.

Let me fill ya’ll in. H is still in Fl, we are still in TX. This past week H called to tell me he is being evicted from rental. So he has put our stuff in storage and is now living with his mom. To make matters worse, my name is on that lease as well.

I had contacted legal aide to file for cc and cs. Last week I got a letter stating that they cannot help me due to limited resources. So now I can’t even file for cc & cs, and even if I wanted a divorce I don’t have any money at all to get legal advice. My credit has gone down the drain, and right know I pay half of credit card debt H and I got into. I have creditors calling all day long.

To make me feel even worse… I told people at work about H myspace and know they are checking him out. That really hurt but I guess it doesn’t matter what I think since H thinks he’s single anyways.

Last night I just felt so upset I couldn’t sleep. When is this pain going to end. When are these clouds going to go away? I’m guessing 2 years. I dunno. I know one day I will say ‘enough’ and that I will never look back again. When that will be who knows.

I barely make ends meet. Right know I work part time as a waitress, while my mom watches my kids. She gets tired of watching them to long but I can’t afford to pay someone else much as far as babysitting goes. but I don’t know if i should get a 2nd job at night (12 hour shifts) I need the money but I also want to be there for my kids. Just don’t know what to do, feel really stressed out. 😦

I wish God would tell me what to do, then I would do that.

God Bless
 
Man, Iris, I feel for you.
Code: 
  I'm in the same boat, sort of.  My husband and I are only together still because of money problems.  Yeah, it costs money to get a divorce and live separately and all that.  The only thing i think my husband has on yours is that he will at least watch Emily while I'm at work on the weekends and he's there and he works.  That's it.  I know that sounds like a lot to you, but at least you don't have to hear your husband's mouth right now.  (And I should shut mine!  whip, whip!)  

  One thing we had to do because our debt was so bad was go with a debt-help firm or whatever.  We use Freedom Debt Relief.  I must warn you, using them will ruin your credit because of the way they do things, but if your credit is already ruined anyway, then it may be worth looking into.  Another option is the United Way's Consumer Credit Counseling/Consolidation (forgot the name.)  They are a good bit more "kosher" if you don't mind waiting longer to get out of your debt.  

  As far as daycare goes, if you don't make enough money, some DSS depts. will pay for your daycare.  In SC it's called Family Independence.  I didn't qualify with my measly pay, but I was married, too.  It may make a difference.  Public assistance is not my forte at all, can't help you there, but I'd imagine that if you find one social worker who's really nice, he/she will explain in detail all that you need to do.  

  One other Catholic network I've heard of is called the "Nurturing Network."  Do a search on Yahoo or somewhere and see what comes up.  They esp. help pregnant women who have no support system, but they may be able to help you too.  And of course, there's always CSS (Catholic Social Services).

  Getting help is a royal pain in the rear-end, I know, but once you get all the paperwork done and you're approved, blah, blah, blah, then I'd imagine that it'd come a lot easier to you.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  Something good will come to you, I just know it.
Tracy
 
Iris, I can’t read the whole thread right now, but if “limited resources” means that you can’ afford an attorney, call the local Legal Aid association. You may qualify for a pro bono attorney to file for support for your kids and yourself. It’s worth a try.
 
Iris79 said:
Hi, I thank all of you for your advice. It really all helps a lot. This isn’t what I want my daughters to think men are like. And if it were one of them I would strongly suggest a divorce. It is just easier said than done.

“Maybe this guy is a miracle waiting to happen.” - ccross77

That is beautiful. It will be great if that is what happens. I guess that is why I’m still married. I admit I’m still hoping that all of this is going to work out. That somehow my husband will find the Lord and everything will get better for our family.

Unfortunetly here in Texas there is not legal seperation or I would take that route, there is only child custody & child support or divorce. I guess we will see what happens.

God Bless You All,
Iris79 🙂
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Get the divorce. If the miracle happens you can always get married again.

You have to protect yourself and your kids.
 
Iris79,

I’m so sorry. I will add you to my prayer list. I know it’s hard but you do need to get legal help. Have you considered a restraining order? The object is to keep him from spending all his money on stuff and get you some. Now I know it works in TX but I’m not sure about crossing state lines with it. Both states are community property. So you may have some rights, even in FL.

Have you contacted SDVP? They can help some. Maybe someone from your parish can help find you legal help?
 
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