Unfaithful husband?

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Iris79

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Hi everyone,
Well I’m in this situation that I just don’t know what to do.I’ve been married for almost 5 years. A month ago I noticed that my husband was acting very different towards me and our kids. He seemed detached and hostile. I checked our phone bill and was hurt to see that he and someone else had been calling each other several times a day. And there were over a 100 text messages as well. I confronted him and he said he met her at work and that she also has a family. He claims that he hasn’t cheated yet but has had the chance. Whatever that means. He has lied to me on several occasions in the past so don’t know what to believe.
I told him to stop talking to her but he refused to. He said he doesn’t know what he wants, but needed space. So he sent us off to my parents thousands of miles away. That was a month ago. He calls once a day. If I bring up the subject he gets mad and doesn’t want to talk about it. He makes no clear plans about us going back home. So I don’t know what to do.
I would like to know others point of view. Any advice would be helpful. Above all, prayer would be really helpful.
Thankyou
 
Hello…Here is what I can share being a married man who struggles with desires I know are not healthy for a relationship with the wife or GOD. Not saying this applies to your relationship but it applied to ours. We were married at 19 and didnt understand covenental love and the one flesh union. I wasnt satisfied with our sexual relation because as time passed she didnt look like or perform the way the women in magazines or TV did. My self esteem was already low and I never was complimented by her or felt that I satisfied her. When I began entertaining the idea of messing around there were more women willing than I would have guessed. They gave me the compliments I needed. I knew it was completely wrong but the desire was too great at times and I screwed up some. I eventually returned to the sacraments and mass. I began studying Catholicism very closely and learned about covenental love with the help of people like Christopher West. Marriage and marital love is now really sacred to me. We still struggle with certain things. I would suggest you take a look at your relationship with Jesus and make sure it is what it should be. Do not degrade yourself in appearance or action to win him back. Pray for your husbands conversion and consider seeking help from a priest. I truely hope this helps.
With respect,
PBP
 
Iris79 said:
Hi everyone,
I confronted him and he said he met her at work and that she also has a family. He claims that he hasn’t cheated yet but has had the chance. Whatever that means.
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It means that the affair is serious. It could be true, it could be false, it could be a Clinton sort of rationalisation of sub-sexual activity.
Assuming she is still at work, insist that he leave that job immediately. You’ve no way of enforcing it, but make clear that that is what you expect. The inconvenience and financial penalty will make him realise that the costs of affairs can be very high, and however good the current job is it will be cheaper than a divorce.
 
It is amazing how many women are out there who are eager to raid another woman’s marriage. They both have someone who is unfaithful and untrustworthy. This should burn itself out eventually. But since you aren’t at your house he’s probably using it for meeting her (since I presume they can’t meet at her house, unless he is totally stupid.)

He’s putting himself at the risk of an irate husband cleaning his clock.

I think it’s time for you to go back home to your house. He needs to be reminded he has a family.

I’m sorry for your pain. Whatever steps you take will have a lot to do with whether he snaps out of it, is contrite, or decides to grow up. Don’t make any decisions without a lot of prayer. Sometimes these things can be fixed and be stronger in the end. It sounds too soon to tell here.
 
If it were me, I would state in no uncertain terms (with consequences) of what you expect and what you both need to be willing to do. If he can’t or won’t, then you need to talk to a priest and possibly an attorney. He’s cheating, no matter what he calls it and bottom line is he’s wrong no matter how he tries to justify things. Just remember, it is not your fault.
Kathy
 
Iris79 said:
Hi everyone,
Well I’m in this situation that I just don’t know what to do.I’ve been married for almost 5 years. A month ago I noticed that my husband was acting very different towards me and our kids. He seemed detached and hostile. I checked our phone bill and was hurt to see that he and someone else had been calling each other several times a day. And there were over a 100 text messages as well. I confronted him and he said he met her at work and that she also has a family. He claims that he hasn’t cheated yet but has had the chance. Whatever that means. He has lied to me on several occasions in the past so don’t know what to believe.
I told him to stop talking to her but he refused to. He said he doesn’t know what he wants, but needed space. So he sent us off to my parents thousands of miles away. That was a month ago. He calls once a day. If I bring up the subject he gets mad and doesn’t want to talk about it. He makes no clear plans about us going back home. So I don’t know what to do.
I would like to know others point of view. Any advice would be helpful. Above all, prayer would be really helpful.
Thankyou
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Hi Iris;

I’m so sorry you are going through this.😦 Something struck me in your post–‘he sent us off…’ Maybe that was just your way of saying that you left to stay elsewhere while he sorts things out, but it also sounds like your dh runs the entire show at your house, without a care to what you want, or what is in the best interest of you and your children. I would suspect also that he is cheating–or at least having what they call an ‘emotional affair,’ which usually leads to a physical one. Emotional affairs are when men and women fantasize about others, and really, there is only room for one woman in your marriage–YOU. I would seek counseling on your own, for your own peace of mind…and I would consult a priest. I would also talk to a lawyer, in case you both end up parting ways.

I will say this though–I would move back to your own home. It’s your home. If he wants to move out, let him. But, that is your home…and I would tell him that you would like a separation…and in ‘x’ amount of time, you both will come to the determination if the marriage is worth saving. It is very important for you to have control of your own life, and right now, (just me sitting here observing through a computer screen) it seems like your husband is pulling all the strings. I know this must be very hard, and whatever you do–know that God loves you, and this cross, He is carrying with you. I will keep you in my prayers, and if you want to ever pm me to talk further, please feel free.
 
Thanks everyone
There are also a few more things I would like to point out. When I confronted husband about the other woman, I told him I wanted to work things out for the kids. He said that he was not going to sacrifice his happiness for them.
And to what Liberanosamalo said about my husband meeting the other woman at our home is probably right. I have been worried about that because he only calls me when he is not at home.
Also, when we were still at our home he would leave to work real early and come home late. I would call his office and they would tell me he left hours ago.So he was meeting her before and after work. And I had looked at our bank statements and saw charges to restuarants by where that other person lives. And he was never affectionate anymore. I would barely get a peck on the lips. I had also told him to look for another job but he said no because he gets great benefits and won’t leave his job.
I’m so frustrated with this. I want to go back home but I don’t have any family there and don’t really know anyone but his family. And he is the one who told us to leave. Then he says due to money reasons we can’t go back. At the same time what am I supposed to tell my child when she tells me that she want to go back to her place. So what am I supposed to do. I don’t really want to raise our kids by myself but at the same time I don’t want us to live in a household that is drowning in lies and deception. I only want to do God’s will.
 
Iris79 said:
Hi . He said he doesn’t know what he wants, but needed space. So he sent us off to my parents thousands of miles away. That was a month ago.
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brilliant so he can initiate a divorce and charge you with desertion, in a pinch, he can even charge you with kidnapping and sue for custody on that grounds. he of course is also free to associate with this sorry excuse for a woman in your home. Get a lawyer. don’t know what the law is in your state but you better find out fast. also he is now in control of your finances, your joint accounts, your credit. just ducky. get you and the kids back in your own home where you belong, and if he wants out he can leave. I would suggest marriage counseling or retrouville but sounds like he has already left you in the dust, and your choice is to let yourself the and children be walked on by a man who professes no concern for his children, or step up to protect your rights and theirs. your choice, ball is in your corner now.
 
puzzleannie said:
brilliant so he can initiate a divorce and charge you with desertion, in a pinch, he can even charge you with kidnapping and sue for custody on that grounds. he of course is also free to associate with this sorry excuse for a woman in your home. Get a lawyer. don’t know what the law is in your state but you better find out fast. also he is now in control of your finances, your joint accounts, your credit. just ducky. get you and the kids back in your own home where you belong, and if he wants out he can leave. I would suggest marriage counseling or retrouville but sounds like he has already left you in the dust, and your choice is to let yourself the and children be walked on by a man who professes no concern for his children, or step up to protect your rights and theirs. your choice, ball is in your corner now.
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I second annie’s warnings about property desertion. Get yourself home STAT. Borrow the money from Mom and Dad if you have to. Take a family member with you if you need support. It’s your house too. If he doesn’t want to be around you and the kids, he needs to leave the family home himself.

Get counseling for yourself. Consider couples counseling. See a priest if you have one you trust.
 
cecilia97 said:
I second annie’s warnings about property desertion. Get yourself home STAT. Borrow the money from Mom and Dad if you have to. Take a family member with you if you need support. It’s your house too. If he doesn’t want to be around you and the kids, he needs to leave the family home himself.

Get counseling for yourself. Consider couples counseling. See a priest if you have one you trust.
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As a husband who found himself in your situation and is now divorced, I third Annie’s feelings on the issue. You have a responsibility to both your Child(ren) and to yourself. Your husband has chosen the path toward destroying the marriage, YOU now have to play defense and ensure that your child(ren) don’t suffer anymore than possible. I’m NOT saying that your marriage has no chance, but YOU must start to protect yourself and your child(ren). SEE A LAWYER concerning how you might better do that! Take it from me, a spouse who says, “I don’t know what I want” is stalling! He knows what he wants, he just isn’t happy with what he has. And I have absolutely no respect for any parent (mother or father) that says they are “not going to sacrifice his happiness” for their child(ren). What are you doing still reading this… GET TO A LAWYER NOW!
 
More bad news. I just found out that the other woman is getting a divorce. So I don’t know wether she is after my husband so that she won’t be alone. Or maybe the divorce is because of my husband. This is just to overwhelming for me. I know I need to be strong for the kids but it is just so hard. I don’t understand why any of this is happening, God only knows.😦
 
You are being thought of right now and are offering prayers on your behalf. I can only imagine your anxiety.
 
Iris79 said:
More bad news. I just found out that the other woman is getting a divorce. So I don’t know wether she is after my husband so that she won’t be alone. Or maybe the divorce is because of my husband. This is just to overwhelming for me. I know I need to be strong for the kids but it is just so hard. I don’t understand why any of this is happening, God only knows.😦
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I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I pray that you will be strong through the power of the Holy Spirit…things might look bleak, but God will see you through this. I second what others are saying…I would seek legal advice very soon. And despite it all, please pray for your husband to see that what he is doing is going to hurt a lot of people. Love doesn’t hurt others. This other woman, if she is leaving her marriage for your spouse, is not ‘in love.’ Love doesn’t seek to hurt others, so it can get what it wants in the end. I pray that your husband will see this, but even if you and he divorce, I pray that you will find strength to get through this ordeal.

My heart goes out to you, Iris.
 
puzzleannie said:
duh, so does your husband. don’t blame God for this man’s actions.
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I don’t think she is blaming God–she is confused as to why this is happening, and God sees our lives in their entirety…

Although God is not to blame, He will take horrible situations and turn them around for our good. I think that is more of what Iris might have been inferring.
 
When I confronted husband about the other woman, I told him I wanted to work things out for the kids. He said that he was not going to sacrifice his happiness for them.
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Iris… big hug. When you say the above… go get a lawyer. You don’t know why this is happening? Because God wants to spare you the chance of getting a fatal STD. God wants to deliver you from trying to raise your children in a spirit of infidelity and lies and bad examples.

I suspect if the other woman is getting a divorce, your pet tomcat will want one too.

He will not sacrifice his happiness for his own children… do you really want them around a man like that? Many of us have gone through this. Remind yourself that what you are going through is a mixed blessing. You deserve better out of life. Even alone is better than this.

GO HOME! That is your home. It is your children’s home. Even if you don’t have family there, you need to stake your claim. Eventually you may sell it and move back.

I bet he’s been sanitizing the place and removing all evidence of adultery… receipts, messages, etc. But if you can prove adultery at all, even in no-fault states, it does help in a property division if one of the spouses is carrying on with someone else. Even the threat of a trial where someone will be called in to testify (or her angry husband) that she was having an affair with your husband makes judges divide things up differently.

Their happiness he is throwing your kids overboard for is illusory and temporary. And if he did it to you, he’ll do it to her, and vice versa.

Start documenting everything. What he said, when he said it, when he told you to leave.

I know you feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach. But you are your children’s only hope. I’m sure your family will be glad to see him go. I’m sure they’ll help you. Good luck. But get back in that house so he can’t charge you with desertion. I suspect he doesn’t want the kids or a custody battle. In that respect, consider yourself blessed. But he won’t want to pay child support and alimony. When all his income is going to support you, it will mean less for the other woman.

Someday you’ll look back at this and realize this was the best Christmas gift he could ever give you. Imagine investing more of your life and your time to have him pull this five or ten years down the line.

I don’t like to recommend the dissolution of a matrimonial bond. No one believes more strongly in it than I do. But I stayed stupidly long beyond the xh’s sell-by date. When someone else dismantles the marriage, your first duty is to protect your and your children’s security.

Good luck! And redouble your reception of the sacraments during this time. It will only help. Because Satan loves the break up of a family. He’s right in the middle. And things can get very evil very quickly.
 
I’m sorry I didn’t mean it the wrong way. I don’t blame God I know that everyone is responsible for their own actions. It’s just that I don’t know why this is happening. Also I didn’t mention that we don’t own property we are renting. All I care about right know is that in case of a divorce I won’t to keep the children with me.Thankyou all for you’re prayers.
 
Iris, I sat at Mass alone today and listened to the readings from my wedding mass. I listened to a sermon about the Holy Family. And I still wonder why I am going through what I’m going through. Do it anyway. Blindly let go of the reins and hand them to God. Take care of your children and trust that God will lead you all through this. Put your children in the hands of St. Joseph, who helped Mary and the Christ Child flee terrible danger.

The priest said something today that made me think. “Your family is not there to make you happy. Anyone who thinks their family was put on this earth to make them happy is probably miserable right now and making everyone else around them miserable. Your family exists to make you holy.” And he is right. All the interactions we have with all our family members are to bring us to God, either because of their holy example, or because through being around them we realize we have no one to trust but God. This experience can help bring you to a greater closeness and love of God than you ever had before. Whatever path your husband chooses and wherever he ends up for eternity, his wayward search for happiness could well end up inadvertently causing the sanctification of you and your children. Your husband won’t make you happy now. But he may make you holy. Trust God. 😉
 
Iris79 said:
More bad news. I just found out that the other woman is getting a divorce. So I don’t know wether she is after my husband so that she won’t be alone. Or maybe the divorce is because of my husband. This is just to overwhelming for me. I know I need to be strong for the kids but it is just so hard. I don’t understand why any of this is happening, God only knows.😦
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Iris,
I read so many posts every week and when I find a thread like yours it rips my heart out. Please, please, please, don’t do what I did. I waited two years after my wife asked me to leave. She, like your husband, claimed that she didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t like being a mother or a wife and wanted to experience what life had to offer on her own. She said, “I need space” to see what I can do on my own. I loved her (and still do) and hoping that if I gave her the “space” she wanted she would “come around.” That didn’t happen. The kids and I waited and waited. Finally, after two years of praying and waiting, I told her that we either needed to come together and work on the marriage or it needed to be ended. Throughout those two years I spent tons of money tring to “help” her when she would run into financial problems. When everything was said and done, she choose to divorce me (it became final November 2007). I can’t even begin to explain to you the emotional and financial pain waiting cost me. I am NOT telling you to get a divorce. What I am saying is that you MUST speak with a lawyer and find out what options are available as well as what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Through all my waiting, praying, and “being there” for my spouse, I sacrificed soooo much on the HOPE that she would reconsider and come back to work on our marriage. The fact is, even after 20+ years of marriage, I came to the conclusion that I no longer knew this person. When we married, we were both Catholic. She rejects the Church today. She has had numerous affairs (to include a homosexual affair). Please, don’t wait any longer. Seek out a good lawyer, see what your options are, protect your children and if it is God’s will that your marriage starts to improve, then you’ve lost nothing. But, if it doesn’t, you are prepared to defend yourself and the needs of your children. Take care and God bless you!!!
 
Iris79 said:
More bad news. I just found out that the other woman is getting a divorce. So I don’t know wether she is after my husband so that she won’t be alone. Or maybe the divorce is because of my husband. This is just to overwhelming for me. I know I need to be strong for the kids but it is just so hard. I don’t understand why any of this is happening, God only knows.😦
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Iris, I’m praying for you…we all are. Forget about what the other woman is doing. Her motivations don’t matter to your family. Try not to put your energies into worrying about her. Get home and take care of your kids and yourself. It’s not good to be out of the state if a divorce is filed.

There’s always hope with God, but protect yourself anyway, since we can only control our own actions.
 
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