Unforgiven? Can't Become Catholic?

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SeekingDaughter

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I’m not really sure if this is int he right section. Mods, please feel free to move it if you need to!

I’m really, very sad about this…and I don;t know how to put any of this gently, so I’ll just spit it all out.

I was not baptized or raised Catholic, but I was raised Christian.

When I was 13, I was molested and raped, and had to have an abortion as a direct result. Because of being told by a few people in my life that “I was no longer a virgin, so it was silly of me to hold out for sex until marriage now,” I was not chaste.

I am now 22 years old, and about a year ago, I was Saved, and I discussed with my pastor that I wanted to wait until marriage again, and how much of an issue this was causing with my boyfriend. My pastor assured me that I could be pure again, and that I needed to break up with this boyfriend. I did, and I have grown deeply in my faith.

Recently, I have felt I needed a more structured sense of faith, and the more I read about Catholicism, the more interested I became. Eventually, I decided I wanted to become Catholic, and I looked into talking to a local priest about how to take steps to do this.

While I have managed to deal with the scars of my past, and I consider myself to be a normal young woman, I also am beginning to realize I never dealt with the spiritual damage that my past abuse caused. I have started feeling that confessing my fears, pains, and sinful actions related to this will do me a world of good, and I wanted to get it out of the way before trying to become a member of the church, so I didn’t have it weighing on me.

I never talk to anyone about this. I mean never. After the initial abuse and the abortion, I worked through it all myself- in my head. I never went to counciling, and it is a subject that I never speak to my mother or anyone else about. But I decided to buck up, gather my courage, and be completely upfront about this with the priest so that I could find out how this would affect me.

When I managed to spit all this out to the priest, he looked at me with a deep frown, took a deep breath, and essentially told me (this a shortened version, as I can’t remember word for word), that because I was not Catholic, I could not go to confession and have my sins forgiven. And because I had committed the sins of sex outside of marriage and abortion, I could not enter the Catholic church with those “mortal sins” behind me. So, essentially, he told me “He didn’t really have an answer for me, and that he was very sorry.” And proceeded to encourage me to find faith elsewhere, in a less strict branch of Christianity.

Once I left, I sat by myself for a long time and cried. The church I had so hoped to join can’t accept me. The one church that seems to be the real voice of God, does not want me. And if they don’t want me and can’t forgive me, how can God? How can any church, really?

I’m so lost. I have prayed endlessly about it…but God is silent. I’m desperate enough now, I’m coming here and asking strangers for advice.

What should I do? Where should I go? How do I find forgiveness? I don’t want to go to Hell!:sad_bye:
 
I just realized this should have gone in the first forum… my apologies, mods!!! 😊
 
Firstly speak to another Catholic priest. As in any church, our priests aren’t always invariably perfect, or always correct in their advice.

Now of course any sin, if you genuinely repent, can and will be forgiven in confession. Think of St Paul persecuting (having put to death) all those Christians and St Peter denying Christ - what you did certainly was no worse than their sins, and they were forgiven, right?

The priest WAS partly right, in that confession is normally only available to those who either have converted or, in some circumstances, are close to conversion. Meaning you need to look into going through RCIA. It’s something of a lengthy process, but you do need proper instruction in the faith and the sacrament of confession before you receive it.

In the meantime, rest assured that God knows of your sorrow for your sins, knows of your desire for forgiveness, and knows that you would go to confess if you could. He won’t hold it against you that through no fault of your own you’re not yet permitted to confess to a priest.
 
I’m afraid you’ve received a bit of bad advice. The right of Christian Initiation culminates in Baptism, which forgives all prior sins of which you are repentant. ALL prior sins of which you are repentant.

After you have been baptized, you will receive communion and confirmation, and will be a full member of the Catholic Church. At that point, you can go to confession for any sins you commit AFTER baptism.

The Catholic Church shuts out nobody, unless you’ve been excommunicated, which, I assure you, you haven’t.

It will just take some time and process.

and frankly, I can’t believe any Catholic Priest would direct someone to a different branch of Christianity - that could put him in trouble with the vatican.
 
Another thought occurs to me. Abortion, even in the circumstances you’ve described, is considered by Catholics to be potentially a very serious sin. Mind you you were very young and impressionable, which makes it unlikely that it would be a mortal sin for you.

Perhaps he was under the impression that you weren’t aware of this teaching or didn’t agree with it?
 
LilyM said:
Firstly speak to another Catholic priest. As in any church, our priests aren’t always invariably perfect, or always correct in their advice.

Now of course any sin, if you genuinely repent, can and will be forgiven in confession. Think of St Paul persecuting (having put to death) all those Christians and St Peter denying Christ - what you did certainly was no worse than their sins, and they were forgiven, right?

The priest WAS partly right, in that confession is normally only available to those who either have converted or, in some circumstances, are close to conversion. Meaning you need to look into going through RCIA. It’s something of a lengthy process, but you do need proper instruction in the faith and the sacrament of confession before you receive it.

In the meantime, rest assured that God knows of your sorrow for your sins, knows of your desire for forgiveness, and knows that you would go to confess if you could. He won’t hold it against you that through no fault of your own you’re not yet permitted to confess to a priest.
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This is the correct answer.

👍
 
Really? That’s such a relief! You have no idea how much better you’re responses have made me feel!

As for his directing me to a different branch- he didn’t say that directly. If I recall correctly, I think his exact words were, “Being Catholic … (pause here) isn’t for everyone. Not everyone’s lives sit well with our rules. Consider that before you pursue this any farther.”

I took that to me he was suggesting I may be better off elsewhere.

EEP! Maybe I took it the wrong way? 😦 I certainly wouldn’t want to misrepresent what he said! My deepest apologies if I made a mistake there!

But thank you all, again, SO MUCH… I will continue to search on and see if this is the right path for me!

God Bless you all!

And LilyM- maybe he thought I thought the abortion was ok because it was the result of rape? At the time, I didn’t really know what was going on. I just went were I was told, and did as I was told. Now that I’m older, of course I know it was wrong… but I assumed HE knew that I didn’t make the decision myself, and so didn’t express that. Maybe that’s where things got confused??:confused:
 
Hi SeekingDaughter,

LilyM has stated it clearly. Rest assured that God knows what’s in your heart and He will answer your prayers.
 
I hope hope hope that this was just a severe miscommunication and misunderstanding. Otherwise, this priest is – how to say it gently? – an absolute blockhead.

It is true that a non-Catholic cannot generally go to confession, except in certain cases in danger of death. But confession, and sacramental absolution, are a part of the ordinary process of getting received in the Catholic Church for people who decide to join. This happens all the time, and I guarantee you that people confess equivalent and much worse sins. I suppose the case would be different if you announced ahead of time that you were, for example, living with your boyfriend and were definitely not going to stop. A priest could not offer absolution to someone who did not express a firm desire to avoid sin in the future. Assuming you did not say anything like that, let’s be charitable and suppose that the priest completely misheard you? There is simply no truth in the slightest to the idea that a person cannot enter the Church with “mortal sins behind them,” and I can’t fathom how a priest would say something like that.

I ought to point out two other things while I’m at it. First, in Catholic theology a person does not just walk down to their church and “get saved.” Each of us is judged by God at the hour of our death, and it is at that time that we are either saved or not. Thus, even for the worst sinner, as long as he can draw breath there is time to reform himself and be reconciled to God. Conversely, we can never just rest on our laurels; you have your whole life, as St. Paul said, to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling.” (Phil. 2:12).

Second, although as Catholics we’re very comfortable with the concept of Original Sin and the Fall of Man, we don’t believe in describing people as “pure” or “impure,” “fallen,” and so on. A truly penitent person, no matter his or her sins, who has received sacramental absolution is every bit as spotless as a new-baptized baby. “Wash me,” says the Psalm, “and I will be whiter than snow.” Many of the greatest saints (you can start with St. Paul) were among the worst sinners.

I don’t know what to recommend to you except to find a different priest to talk to, hopefully one with a better understanding of our own theology and a better pastoral sense. On behalf of my fellow Catholics, I apologize for the unaccountable stonewalling that you experienced.
 
mburn16 said:
I’m afraid you’ve received a bit of bad advice. The right of Christian Initiation culminates in Baptism, which forgives all prior sins of which you are repentant. ALL prior sins of which you are repentant.
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Forgiveness of sins by baptism does not require repentance. Baptism forgives all sins. Repentance is good for an adult who is to be baptized, but the Church baptizes babies, and the unconscious, and the mentally disabled, and no understanding of the sacrament is required to receive the fullness of its graces and effects.
After you have been baptized, you will receive communion and confirmation, and will be a full member of the Catholic Church.
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The baptized are full members of the Catholic Church. Confirmation completes baptism, and together with the Eucharist, they are three sacraments of initiation, but baptism initiates you as a full member of the Church.
The Catholic Church shuts out nobody, unless you’ve been excommunicated, which, I assure you, you haven’t.
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Excommunication is a medicinal penalty, meant to restore a person to spiritual health. There used to be a distinction in canon law where some of the excommunicated were to be shunned socially, but this distinction no longer exists.
 
Welcome to CAF and it’s wonderful that you are being drawn to seek more information about the Catholic faith. Talk to a priest and find out where and when to get into an RCIA class so you can learn what the Church teaches and discern if you are ready to become a Catholic yourself. No sin is too big to be forgiven, absolutly none. Meanwhile, you are free to come to Mass and worship with us, but do not receive the Eucharist unless and until you are a Catholic.
The Church which has been in existence since Pentecost will be here until Christ comes again. The fullness of faith is contained in our church as you will come to realize in your studies. We’ll be praying for you.:gopray2:
 
Remember that there is no sin too big for Jesus to forgive.

I think there have been some misunderstandings between you and the priest.

Re: abortion, the act is always grievous, and never justified. But, with repentance and firm resolve not to repeat that sin, of course it is forgiveable.

For your healing, please consider attending a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat weekend.
rachelsvineyard.org/weekend/2007-retreat-schedule.htm

Rachel’s Vineyard is a Catholic ministry but attendees do not have to be Catholic.
 
As a convert myself, I’d like to add my own words of welcome and encouragement.

There must have been misunderstanding. No Catholic priest I know of would have wanted to give the impression that you were not welcome because of your past. As others have said, some of our greatest saints had a past.

Take heart and don’t give up. Jesus told the story of the shepherd going out to find just one lost sheep, and rejoicing when he found it. All priests rejoice when they bring someone ‘home’.

You ARE very welcome. Try again to explain to a priest what happened to you, and make it clear that the abortion was done to you, not a decision on your part, In other words, think over what was said and what could have been misunderstood, and put those things into different words if necessary. And if you can, ask for clarification of what the priest says if it seems to be negative. Ask right out ‘Does that mean …’ so that he can correct any wrong message. Don’t be worried that it might sound ‘rude’; he’ll know by your tone of voice that you are sincere.

God bless you, and let us know how you get on. We’ll be praying for you!
 
I am so sorry to read your story. But God loves you,He has,He does and He always will. The priest did not handle the matter in a way proper for a man who is “in Christi Persona” and you will find one that understand. Maybe you should write to the Bishop and explain it on paper as you did with us. And thank you for being honest. It must have been hard. You will be in my thoughts and prayers and you will find peace. What we can’t forgive,God can and will. So look forward and all will be OK again. God bless you.
 
And if they don’t want me and can’t forgive me, how can God? How can any church, really?

Because the church is run by flawed men who try there best to listen to the Holy Spirit, & sometimes fail. Im so sorry you had to deal with that. I’m sure theres a way you can join the Church & if not, our loving God knows you are sorry & has seen all the sacrifices you have made to follow him. Theres a decon at my Church that during one of the sermons spoke out against what the priest you met with said. Anyway best of luck & God bless!
 
Seeking Daughter: My heart goes out to you. It took a lot of courage for you to talk with the priest after so many years. Don’t let one encounter discourage you. I agree with many of the comments abour pursuing this with another priest.

I would encourage you to go to Mass - the lituirgy is beautiful. You might ask someone for a pamphlet or book about the Mass so to understand it better.

I am concerned that you have never talked with anyone about your rape and subsequent abortion and sexual abuse (telling someone already traumatized that, “oh well, you are already not a virgin so , , ,” qualifies as abuse in my book)… You were a victim child. Someone suggested the Rachel weekend which is a good idea. You might also find someone there, or get a referral to someone who you could go to for counselling. It is really important to talk about what happened in order to be able to work it through. ou don’t have to do that prior to RCIA, .

God bless you. You will be in my prayers. Consider yourself hugged! .
 
I concur with the poster above. Counselling would be vey beneficial for you. You should not have to live alone with the pain you have experienced. You are still young and receiving professional help to deal with your ordeal could make a huge difference to you, both now and in the future. It could help with your relationship with yourself, your relationship with God and your relationships with others.
 
When I managed to spit all this out to the priest, he looked at me with a deep frown, took a deep breath, and essentially told me (this a shortened version, as I can’t remember word for word), that because I was not Catholic, I could not go to confession and have my sins forgiven. And because I had committed the sins of sex outside of marriage and abortion, I could not enter the Catholic church with those “mortal sins” behind me. So, essentially, he told me “He didn’t really have an answer for me, and that he was very sorry.” And proceeded to encourage me to find faith elsewhere, in a less strict branch of Christianity.
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First, you cannot receive absolution in the sacrament of penance (confession). That is something for those who are baptized Catholics (or who are received into the Church). So that much is true.

However, since you aren’t baptized yet, any sin that you committed would be utterly washed away in baptism.
[BIBLEDRB]Rom 6:3-7[/BIBLEDRB]
The only circumstance where I can see that this priest would be, in any way correct about not being able to be baptized is if you were married for a second or third time and an annulment was not available. The reason for this is because you would continue to be living in a state of adultery…and the choice would be to reject the sinful lifestyle (adulterous relationship with a second or third husband) or abandon the adulterous relationship in favor of being a Catholic (we believe that once you are validly married, only death of one of the spouses can terminate that relationship).
Can. 865 §1. For an adult to be baptized, the person must have manifested the intention to receive baptism, have been instructed sufficiently about the truths of the faith and Christian obligations, and have been tested in the Christian life through the catechumenate. The adult is also to be urged to have sorrow for personal sins.

Now you did not indicate a current marriage with other marriages in your past in your post, but if that was, in fact, the case, then you would have to make that decision (Catholic or in an adulterous invalid marriage arrangement)

If, on the other hand, it was not the case, I would agree with the other respondents and suggest you find a different priest for counsel.

EDIT: To add, if some marriage complication is the issue, it’s not a matter of being unforgiven, it is a matter of truly being contrite to the point of amending one’s life (remember Jesus’ advice to the adulteress: “Go and sin no more”)
 
SeekingDaughter said:
I’m not really sure if this is int he right section. Mods, please feel free to move it if you need to!

I’m really, very sad about this…and I don;t know how to put any of this gently, so I’ll just spit it all out.

I was not baptized or raised Catholic, but I was raised Christian.

When I was 13, I was molested and raped, and had to have an abortion as a direct result. Because of being told by a few people in my life that “I was no longer a virgin, so it was silly of me to hold out for sex until marriage now,” I was not chaste.

I am now 22 years old, and about a year ago, I was Saved, and I discussed with my pastor that I wanted to wait until marriage again, and how much of an issue this was causing with my boyfriend. My pastor assured me that I could be pure again, and that I needed to break up with this boyfriend. I did, and I have grown deeply in my faith.

Recently, I have felt I needed a more structured sense of faith, and the more I read about Catholicism, the more interested I became. Eventually, I decided I wanted to become Catholic, and I looked into talking to a local priest about how to take steps to do this.

While I have managed to deal with the scars of my past, and I consider myself to be a normal young woman, I also am beginning to realize I never dealt with the spiritual damage that my past abuse caused. I have started feeling that confessing my fears, pains, and sinful actions related to this will do me a world of good, and I wanted to get it out of the way before trying to become a member of the church, so I didn’t have it weighing on me.

I never talk to anyone about this. I mean never. After the initial abuse and the abortion, I worked through it all myself- in my head. I never went to counciling, and it is a subject that I never speak to my mother or anyone else about. But I decided to buck up, gather my courage, and be completely upfront about this with the priest so that I could find out how this would affect me.

When I managed to spit all this out to the priest, he looked at me with a deep frown, took a deep breath, and essentially told me (this a shortened version, as I can’t remember word for word), that because I was not Catholic, I could not go to confession and have my sins forgiven. And because I had committed the sins of sex outside of marriage and abortion, I could not enter the Catholic church with those “mortal sins” behind me. So, essentially, he told me “He didn’t really have an answer for me, and that he was very sorry.” And proceeded to encourage me to find faith elsewhere, in a less strict branch of Christianity.

Once I left, I sat by myself for a long time and cried. The church I had so hoped to join can’t accept me. The one church that seems to be the real voice of God, does not want me. And if they don’t want me and can’t forgive me, how can God? How can any church, really?

I’m so lost. I have prayed endlessly about it…but God is silent. I’m desperate enough now, I’m coming here and asking strangers for advice.

What should I do? Where should I go? How do I find forgiveness? I don’t want to go to Hell!:sad_bye:
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We DO accept you!!! We DO want you!!! And you are still God’s precious daughter, no matter what your sins. Please, PLEASE talk to another priest ASAP! Find another parish and remain calm. You will NOT be turned away! You do have to join the Church in order to make a confession and receive absolution, but your baptism within the Church will wash away your sins up to that point. You will learn about all of the sacraments in your Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults course. (It’s called “Christian” initiation but it’s Catholic initiation!). I believe most parishes run the course only once a year, so the sooner you get signed up for it, the better. It takes time to learn and discern, please don’t be deterred by the time required!

I am also going to recommend that you contact Rachel’s Vineyard. It is a post-abortion ministry that has helped thousands of women to heal after abortion. You are not alone, dear one. One out of every 4 women, including Catholics and Christians, has had an abortion, and every one of them has been wounded by it (some remain in denial). Please seek support from a post-abortion ministry as soon as possible. There may be a local post-abortion ministry too - you can call Catholic Charities in your area and they will direct you. Rachel’s Vineyard does healing retreats all over the country and in many locations world-wide.

:love::grouphug:

I cannot wait to hear about your journey “home,” as we like to say. God bless you and remember, no sin is too big to be forgiven.
 
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