Ungrateful adult children

[Marie5890]

It’s way past time to stop smothering your daughter. I get the impression that you are still viewing them as incompetent children. It’s better if you all learn how to start relating to each other as adults. I know you mean well, but please stop trying to control and rescue them. Frankly, if my mother (or mother-in-law) were as involved with my day to day life I would move far away. The fact that your daughter is “ungrateful” sounds like she’s tired of the status quo. I know you came here to vent and be told how 100% right you are and how dare your daughter not be grateful, but please, for the sake of her marriage and family, it’s time to cut the apron strings.

Just my $.02

I am so in agreement on this.

Privacy is being greatly violated. Smothering is taking place.

Im sure the good intentions are ment, but its a very unhealthy dynamic for this couple for this grandparent to be so much apart of their every day lives.

God designed marriage to be between ONE man and ONE woman, with God.

 

[oldsinnner]

Allow me to be the devils advocate here. Without the details, it’s hard to judge. The key word here is ‘appreciation’. I know a woman who’s grandparents were filthy rich and I do mean, filthy rich. 15 million or so…when they died, they left it all to her mother, who her grandmother helped plenty through her life but when she got the money herself, she does little for her own children and what she does do, she extracts from them as payment, their pride. One could say that is the price you pay and that is true I suppose, but it is not as if she were completely in the right here. She was given, key word, GIVEN millions of dollars, that she did not make. Fact is the great-grandfather is who made all the money. None of them were responsible for acquiring this wealth. But for whatever reason her mother is in love with the POWER the money has given her. She tells them she will cut them out of her will and hangs it over their head etc etc. Tells them she is going to leave it to the grandkids and cut them out. Basically, in my opinion, unethical stuff. And because of this, they have the same type of relationship as you described. Her mother thinks her kids are ungrateful and they in turn treat her badly and despise her for being, in their minds, a hypocrit who won’t do for her children what was done for her. So to me, the issue is more complex. You describe a great life for yourself. I ask you how much money you have, how much help you give them, how did you acquire this money, how much of a burden is it for you to help them and what are your expectations from them for doing these things for them ? People use money to control people all the time. Maybe you need to ask yourself why they act this way other than they are just ungrateful adult children. Then again, maybe your kids are just as you describe. I would like to hear their side of the story. If you were to tell it, what do you think it would be ?

 

[Charmian]

Allow me to be the devils advocate here. Without the details, it’s hard to judge. The key word here is ‘appreciation’. I know a woman who’s grandparents were filthy rich and I do mean, filthy rich. 15 million or so…when they died, they left it all to her mother, who her grandmother helped plenty through her life but when she got the money herself, she does little for her own children and what she does do, she extracts from them as payment, their pride. One could say that is the price you pay and that is true I suppose, but it is not as if she were completely in the right here. She was given, key word, GIVEN millions of dollars, that she did not make. Fact is the great-grandfather is who made all the money. None of them were responsible for acquiring this wealth. But for whatever reason her mother is in love with the POWER the money has given her. She tells them she will cut them out of her will and hangs it over their head etc etc. Tells them she is going to leave it to the grandkids and cut them out. Basically, in my opinion, unethical stuff. And because of this, they have the same type of relationship as you described. Her mother thinks her kids are ungrateful and they in turn treat her badly and despise her for being, in their minds, a hypocrit who won’t do for her children what was done for her. So to me, the issue is more complex. You describe a great life for yourself. I ask you how much money you have, how much help you give them, how did you acquire this money, how much of a burden is it for you to help them and what are your expectations from them for doing these things for them ? People use money to control people all the time. Maybe you need to ask yourself why they act this way other than they are just ungrateful adult children. Then again, maybe your kids are just as you describe. I would like to hear their side of the story. If you were to tell it, what do you think it would be ?

Well oldsinner, you sound like a wise old owl! Always two sides to every coin.

 

[MadameButterfly]

TereTere, I’ve spent the night thinking about your situation.

Your daughter is around my age and when I read about all the things you do for your daughter and your s-i-l, all I thought was “WOW, you are doing way too much for your daughter.” By doing everything for her, you are keeping her in a state of perpetual dependency. Not only is she not grateful to you for that, but I bet she resents you for it. I mean, you’re doing more for your 40 yo daughter than most parents I know do for their teenagers!

I’m a mom of 4 boys (one is now an adult), so I have struggled with doing too much for my children as well. But then one day I had a revelation. Is doing everything for my children really helping them, or am I actually enabling them (and in turn handicapping them)? If they are able to do something on their own, then why not let them do it on their own? I came to the conclusion that our goal as parents is to successfully “launch” our children into the world by helping them develop life skills, not to do everything for them.

Is it difficult? Yes, I have to force myself sometimes not to do something for my dc. Do I feel bad? At the time, yes, because I hate to see my children struggle. But then I remind myself that enduring struggles in this life is not a bad thing; in fact, a little bit of struggle is actually good for us. It helps us develop into strong, confident and independent adults.

Now, my revelations came when my children were young so I was able to turn things around quite easily. You’ve probably been doing so much for your daughter for so many years/decades that it’s going to be harder for you to stop. Your daughter may (probably) be mad at you at first, but don’t take it personally; it’s a bit scary to suddenly be responsible after years of dependency. Just know that your stepping back will benefit everybody in the long run.

My first suggestion is to resist the urge to interfere in the running of your daughter’s household. Don’t go over to their house and clean; don’t go over to their house and fix something, and don’t go over to their house and make dinner for them. Why? I know your intentions are good, but doing these things on a regular basis undermines your daughter and s-i-l and may even cause marital problems (happened to s-i-l and b-i-l). In fact, you may not want to go over to her house unless they invite you over (and when you do, please resist to urge to clean, or fix something).

My second suggestion is to do like others have suggested and only watch your granddaughter at your house and only for a certain amount of time/days a week (once a week sounds good). This way you’ll still get to see your granddaughter, but you won’t be viewed as the nanny. My s-i-l’s mother is a bit too involved (see above) and while my s-i-l doesn’t mean to, she does take her mom’s babysitting for granted. By intentionally limiting your involvement, your daughter might appreciate you more.

And finally, stop giving your daughter and her family money, especially if you can’t really afford it (s-i-l’s mother gave so much that she almost lost her house). A little bit here and there can be helpful, but large, regular gifts can be somewhat debilitating. For example, my parents give us money for Christmas and while we are very grateful for it, I sometimes have to fight the entitled feelings I get every once and awhile. Also, once, when I mentioned to my parents that one of our appliances was starting to go, I ended up receiving a check in the mail in order to buy a new one All I wanted to do was share my life; I wasn’t hitting them up for $$$ … sigh. Just because we don’t live a lavish lifestyle, my parents think we’re “poor” (we’re not) and while I know they were only trying to be helpful, receiving that check really insulted my dh; he works hard and provides for the family quite nicely. Now, because of that incident, I don’t share certain things with my parents.

Hope some of this help.

MadameButterfly

 

[TereTere]

TereTere, I’ve spent the night thinking about your situation.

Your daughter is around my age and when I read about all the things you do for your daughter and your s-i-l, all I thought was “WOW, you are doing way too much for your daughter.” By doing everything for her, you are keeping her in a state of perpetual dependency. Not only is she not grateful to you for that, but I bet she resents you for it. I mean, you’re doing more for your 40 yo daughter than most parents I know do for their teenagers!

I’m a mom of 4 boys (one is now an adult), so I have struggled with doing too much for my children as well. But then one day I had a revelation. Is doing everything for my children really helping them, or am I actually enabling them (and in turn handicapping them)? If they are able to do something on their own, then why not let them do it on their own? I came to the conclusion that our goal as parents is to successfully “launch” our children into the world by helping them develop life skills, not to do everything for them.

Is it difficult? Yes, I have to force myself sometimes not to do something for my dc. Do I feel bad? At the time, yes, because I hate to see my children struggle. But then I remind myself that enduring struggles in this life is not a bad thing; in fact, a little bit of struggle is actually good for us. It helps us develop into strong, confident and independent adults.

Now, my revelations came when my children were young so I was able to turn things around quite easily. You’ve probably been doing so much for your daughter for so many years/decades that it’s going to be harder for you to stop. Your daughter may (probably) be mad at you at first, but don’t take it personally; it’s a bit scary to suddenly be responsible after years of dependency. Just know that your stepping back will benefit everybody in the long run.

My first suggestion is to resist the urge to interfere in the running of your daughter’s household. Don’t go over to their house and clean; don’t go over to their house and fix something, and don’t go over to their house and make dinner for them. Why? I know your intentions are good, but doing these things on a regular basis undermines your daughter and s-i-l and may even cause marital problems (happened to s-i-l and b-i-l). In fact, you may not want to go over to her house unless they invite you over (and when you do, please resist to urge to clean, or fix something).

My second suggestion is to do like others have suggested and only watch your granddaughter at your house and only for a certain amount of time/days a week (once a week sounds good). This way you’ll still get to see your granddaughter, but you won’t be viewed as the nanny. My s-i-l’s mother is a bit too involved (see above) and while my s-i-l doesn’t mean to, she does take her mom’s babysitting for granted. By intentionally limiting your involvement, your daughter might appreciate you more.

And finally, stop giving your daughter and her family money, especially if you can’t really afford it (s-i-l’s mother gave so much that she almost lost her house). A little bit here and there can be helpful, but large, regular gifts can be somewhat debilitating. For example, my parents give us money for Christmas and while we are very grateful for it, I sometimes have to fight the entitled feelings I get every once and awhile. Also, once, when I mentioned to my parents that one of our appliances was starting to go, I ended up receiving a check in the mail in order to buy a new one All I wanted to do was share my life; I wasn’t hitting them up for $$$ … sigh. Just because we don’t live a lavish lifestyle, my parents think we’re “poor” (we’re not) and while I know they were only trying to be helpful, receiving that check really insulted my dh; he works hard and provides for the family quite nicely. Now, because of that incident, I don’t share certain things with my parents.

Hope some of this help.

MadameButterfly