Why doesn’t she want to associate with your family? I’m not trying to be harsh here, but there are some couples where one set of in-laws might be best handled by avoiding them. You didn’t mention in your post why your wife wants nothing to do with your family, so please excuse me if you’ve already tried to figure that out.
You might want to try to join her in prayer one morning, and then try talking with and listening to her about what her issues are with your side of the family. She might act emotionally during this discussion, but you should try to keep your own emotions in check and listen to her grievances.
You mentioned that she is from Mexico. Do you think it’s possible that your relatives may be making her feel inferior and discriminated against by that fact? Are they frequently discussing, for example, illegal immigration in her presence? That might be troublesome and annoying to her. If that example is the case, you will have to set your foot down with them and tell them to stop conversation she finds upsetting if they wish to see their grandchildren or nieces and nephews more frequently. She is your wife, and your first loyalty has to be to her; refer to Genesis–“for this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”
If something like bigoted conversation is going on, I can understand her feelings: I am biracial–Iroquois and Italian descent. I have a brother-in-law who persists in referring to “Injuns.” Thanksgiving dinners are a nightmare. He knows very little about my ancestral culture, but thinks he knows plenty from his days as a Boy Scout. I was quite offended by it for a number of years, and then one year when I couldn’t stand the bigoted remarks one more minute (the last straw was when he called me “Mike’s squaw,”) said to him, “You know, Joe, I’ve been native for all my life, and as far as I can recall, the only people who use the word “Injun” were in low-budget spaghetti westerns. I should think a graduate of Yale would be able to pronounce the word “Indian.” Oh, and by the way, I don’t come from India. My people have been right here, and basically have had a civilization, including laws and a monotheistic religion, when your people were still climbing out of the bog. And by the way, I am not a concubine: My husband and I were married licitly in the Catholic Church!”
As you can imagine, my phillipic called down brimstone on the Thanksgiving dinner. It was as if I had shot a flaming arrow right into the stupid turkey. I didn’t care at that point. Joe’s comments had always been derogatory, and I was sick and tired of listening to them.
I haven’t had to deal with much more of his nonsense, and have learned to not take offense at the moronic drivel of a racist ignoramus who, particularly by virtue of his Ivy League education, ought to know better manners. But I am middle aged, thick skinned, and very spiritually grounded. Still, it would have been a nice gesture if my husband had stepped up to the plate and put his brother in his place! Later on, when I found myself getting resentful about having to put a stop to it myself, I mentioned it to my husband: The remarks hadn’t even registered on his radar, probably precisely because he is not native! He just plain hadn’t even noticed, and when I shared what had been going on, was aghast.
My husband and I are childless by chance, but I shudder to think of the scars that my brother-in-law’s remarks would have made on any children if we had any.
When there is a problem, any sort of problem, it’s best to start trying to unravel it by getting more information, and the other person’s point of view. Things might be going on that you aren’t aware of. I’m not trying to take her side against yours. All I’m saying is that there might be something very strange going on, and it’s a good idea to start by trying to figure out what bothers her so much about being with them.
I’m just throwing out some ideas here. Feel free to take what might apply, and leave the rest. And I will say a prayer that some family unity might be restored for all of you.
