Unhappy With Marriage After 1 Year

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I am 30 years old, my wife is 25. Both Catholic. We have been married over a year now, and in the past maybe 6 months, I have had a growing feeling that I am trapped in a marriage I don’t want to be in most of the time. I would have never married her if she was the person she is now. The good moments are fewer and farther between.

I do 99% of the cooking/cleaning/laundry. It’s like I’m living with a teenager. Every cup or dish she uses is left where it sits. I have expressed many times how much this bothers me. Yet, if I don’t touch them, they will stay where they are indefinitely. If I want to eat something other than frozen pizza, I have to do it all, prep and cleanup. Even after I work a 12-hour shift and she’s been home for 3 or 4 hours, I have to do everything. She parks herself on the couch from the moment she gets home until she goes to bed, so she also eats her meals there. I can’t get her to so much as go for a walk together. She also has gained ~40lbs since our wedding day, with no sign of stopping. When we were dating, we would often exercise together and do things outside. We would cook meals together. She cared about eating healthy and being in shape. I feel like I’ve been tricked into marrying her, because she was so vastly different when we were dating.

We have little in the way of a love life. We are practicing NFP. We agree (for various reasons) that God isn’t calling us to have children right now. I understand this limits the opportunities we have to be intimate. I’m lucky if we have sex ONCE a month as she seems to have very little interest, and I have to almost beg her. She has never initiated. She also doesn’t participate in monitoring her symptoms, so I use a crude calendar method, being overly conservative and thereby restricting us even more. When we do have sex now, she seems completely apathetic, and if I try to be romantic she indicates she just wants me to get it over with. Despite all this, I know she does love me and I love her. That’s perhaps why it hurts so much when she doesn’t express it in words or actions.

We go to Sunday mass, but that’s about it. I frequent the sacraments: adoration, confession, daily mass, prayer time, etc. But she is content with mass once a week and balks at the idea of going more often. Early in our dating life and marriage, we went to adoration, confession, had prayer time together, even went to bible study together and she had private prayer time in the morning. This has all gradually stopped.

She blames everything on her job, that she doesn’t have the time or energy to do anything else. I find this hard to believe as she averages about 4 to 6 hours a day watching TV after work!

There are lots of other issues that I don’t have room for here

I feel like I’m doing everything I can and yet I get nothing from her. I have expressed to her that I’m not happy in our marriage. The response is nothing but incredulity at how could I feel that way. I haven’t told her yet that I feel like it was a mistake, or that I often wish I could get out of this marriage. I’ve also brought up marriage counseling, which again was met with incredulity as from her perspective we are fine.
 
Ask st Joseph for prayers.
His Chaplet helped my marriage.
I know you may be looking for more practical advice, sorry.
Know of my prayers. Good luck.
 
You MUST get marriage counseling…no question about it. Explain everything as you did, here. She is not acting as a married woman, but as a spoiled child!

Just my own curiosity…did she ever live apart from her parents, before marriage? Is she an only child? Only child living at home in recent years? If so, you have to work on ‘unspoiling’ her. Ideally, the counselor would be the one suggesting this, to the both pf you, but if she absolutely refuses to go, go without her! An experienced counselor will have some suggestions on how you should speak to her, without it seeming like you’re taking a parental role i.e., scolding or punishing.

I truly wish you the best. God Bless!
 
I think marriage counseling is a must, too.

Some aspects of her behavior make me wonder if there might be depression at play, too. That could explain a lot of the weight gain and the apathy. But that’s one big reason you go to a counselor, so they can help you sort that out.
 
macleoda said:
She also has gained ~40lbs since our wedding day, with no sign of stopping.
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If she has gained 40 pounds in one year she needs to see a doctor. Something may be very wrong medically. That is not normal at all and is very alarming.

You mentioned that you do most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. Start leaving her things to do. If you do her laundry, stop. Let her deal with the consequences of not having clean clothing. If you are cleaning the kitchen, ask her to work on the bathrooms. Be direct.

Some jobs really are overwhelming (but you still have to be able to pitch in at home). Does she need a job change?

Try counseling yourself, even if she refuses to go with you. And try to get her to see a doctor.
 
Something is very wrong, depression, a medical issue, a psychological issue, or a combo.

You have to get her in for counseling and evaluation, incredulity or not.
 
Thank you all for the prayers, they are greatly needed.

You hit the nail on the head about the depression. She has been on and off medication for depression/anxiety and has just recently begun taking it again. I was initially against medication, because I thought there were better options like just being more active, getting outside, etc. That worked for me when I was depressed myself in high school. I also worry how those meds might affect any future pregnancies. I have come to accept it as it may be better than nothing at this point. She had also been seeing a psychologist/counselor in years past.

Weight is something she has always struggled with too. She was bulimic for a time early in college. She lost a bunch of weight before our wedding so I thought she was doing well. But it seems like she just let herself go as soon as the wedding was over. I always tell her I love her and think she’s beautiful no matter what, but I also want her to take care of herself and be healthy.

Since we have been together I have occasionally been finding receipts and empty packages in her car for baked goods. I mean like a dozen frosted cookies or 4 packs of cupcakes. I never see any of the food, so I suspect binge eating. I have confronted her about this, but she either acts like she stopped doing it, or that it’s not a problem. I just found another receipt a few days ago. Given that I have already confronted her about this and it has continued, I may need to involve her family or something as this particular thing is really damaging to her health. Even if now there is no purging.

I definitely think she was spoiled growing up, but never seemed to have an entitled attitude. She lived with a roommate all through college so she did cook and clean up after herself pretty well then. Every time she went home however, her doting parents would do her laundry and give her any money she needed and buy her whatever she asked for. Despite this she never seemed to take advantage and only would let them give her what she truly needed. She has one sibling, but may as well have been an only child, because her parents always had a large house and she never had to compromise anything.
 
Yikes. Chronic lying is really bad for a marriage. Your wife seems to be adopting the behavior of an addict–evasion, denial, minimization–with regard to food. I also support an evaluation, and you must make it clear that she has to be transparent with you.
 
I’ve tried leaving her things to do. A sink full of dishes will sit for days until I can’t stand it. She even has the gall to say “I didn’t dirty any of those” when referring to the pots & pans that I used to cook us dinner. If I don’t do her laundry, she will eventually wash it because she needs clothes for work. But it all stays in piles. Other things, like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom she will do if we’re going to have company, especially if it’s her family or her friends visiting. But the day-to-day things and cleaning up after her are all my job.

I would be happy to bear the majority of the burden of house work if I believed she truly couldn’t contribute. It’s true that her job is more demanding than mine, but I don’t think the current state of things is all because of her work.
 
Ok so:

Don’t counter her doctor in the future. If her doctor prescribed medication don’t tell her she doesn’t need it. You may have had depression in high school but clinical depression is not the same thing. And your feelings, responses, and triggers are not hers. You should go with her to her doctor to understand what she really has, how it’s treated, and what you need to do to help her manage it and watch for signs— clinical depression, manic depression, bipolar disorder, something tied to her body image disorder, etc.

An eating disorder is a lifelong condition- not something that is in her past. It’s a psychological condition that she will struggle against always. Sometimes she’ll win and sometimes the disease will. You need to encourage her to get back with her psychologist ASAP and you need to find a support group or a counselor who is versed in eating disorders to help YOU as the loved one of a bulimic. You need help to learn responses that will be helpful to her. Bulimia isn’t rational— you can’t reason her out of it.

Your wife has a mental illness, maybe more than one. And you seem to be under the impression it’s either supposed to all be in the rear view mirror or that she just needs to try harder. This is a lifelong illness. It may get better, it may get worse, but it isn’t going away. I think you may have been kidding yourself while dating, or maybe you didn’t really understand it. Get some professional help to help you understand your role in all this as her spouse.
 
macleoda said:
She has been on and off medication for depression/anxiety and has just recently begun taking it again. I was initially against medication, because I thought there were better options like just being more active, getting outside, etc. That worked for me when I was depressed myself in high school. I also worry how those meds might affect any future pregnancies. I have come to accept it as it may be better than nothing at this point.
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You need to be really careful here. Don’t project your experiences on to her. Also, if you’ve ever actually articulated to her that you don’t think she needs medication, you really should address this with her and let her know you were wrong to play her doctor. Medication, for people who need it, is not “better than nothing”- it is a lifeline. It can be the key to having the marriage you hoped for.

This is something I never really talk about, but after I had my son, I was experiencing really serious anxiety. I expressed to my husband that I thought I needed to see a doctor and he discouraged it. One of his friends had taken anxiety medication and it made him like a zombie so he didn’t want that happening to me. Although I know it was coming from a place of care, he was wrong. I am usually rather opinionated but I was in such a bad state that I let his discouragement get to me and never addressed it. I’m fortunate that it got better on its own, but it can be really dangerous when the one person you are supposed to trust the most is not supportive and acts like you can just will depression or anxiety away, and refuses to treat it as a serious condition.

So my point is that your wife may be very aware that she is not the wife you expected, and that she isn’t “living up to” your standards. But you’ve discouraged her from getting help, and that needs to be corrected. It’s good that she has recently started taking it again. She needs to know that you are on her side and won’t work against her or her doctors.
 
HI there, so sorry for what you are going through. I have a sister who seems similar to your wife. It sounds that getting married for her is a big step (it is for everyone!: ) ) but she may be depressed about such a drastic change. I think she wasn’t hiding things when you were dating but there could be a root cause/problem that is bringing up all the other behaviors she is showing.
I’m married for under a year and things have been difficult in one area with my husband and I know that has effected my mood and things that I do. but it all stems from that one issue. Your wife could be suffering from this as well but not know what the key issue is. I would suggest her talking to a counselor before it gets worse and to stay on medication until she has professional help in how to deal with the anxiety.
 
macleoda said:
if I believed she truly couldn’t contribute
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It’s possible that she truly can’t. At least, not without sending herself into a storm of anxiety and fatigue.

You need to stop playing doctor and comparing her depression to yours. If her doctor prescribes medicine, then she needs to take it. It’s not “better than nothing.” It’s vital. If you’re worried about future pregnancies, talk to the doctor about medications that are safe to take while pregnant. They’re not risk free, but the doctor can determine if the benefits outweigh the risks. Depression and pregnancy/parenting don’t mix well, and a happy, healthy mother is vital to having a happy, healthy pregnancy/baby.

I’m sorry you’re not happy with the way things are right now, but this is a serious thing that isn’t going to be resolved by telling her to snap out of it. I’m not sure why you and another poster think she’s spoiled. She has an illness, she’s not a brat. I’m getting a vibe from your posts that you are annoyed and upset with her, and if you’re projecting that vibe onto her, believe me, it’s not going to help anything. She needs compassion and understanding right now, not a husband who doesn’t take her illness seriously or just thinks she’s lazy and spoiled.
 
I would say this is a simple case of her getting too comfortable in the marriage and taking it for granted. You should try to find a good marriage counselor and explain to her that you are beginning to think this was a mistake and you really wish she’d make an effort.
 
Praise God for all the helpful comments on here! I also am distraught at the idea of bringing children in to this, which we both want one day. Some of you, please, I’m not a monster. I truly want her to be happy and healthy and I want to have a good and holy marriage with her.
I have a natural skepticism of psychiatry after my experiences with it. I felt when I was treated for depression that the talk therapy was useless and the medication made me have emotional breakdowns and the side effects were unbearable. I know my experience isn’t everyone’s. But I will always have misgivings about taking psychoactive meds. Moreover, any decent doctor will advise their patient that medication is one of many options for treating a mental disorder and shouldn’t always be the first line of treatment. I also know the human tendency to want the quick fix and to just take a pill to make it all better. OK, maybe that pill is what you need to pick yourself up off the floor and do the other things that can begin your healing. Yet, does she get a pass on EVERYTHING because she’s depressed? I can be genuinely lazy and selfish at times, so why can’t she? I understand that depression may make things harder, or nearly impossible, but to what extent does it subvert someone’s free will? I’m not trying to put all the blame on her, as I am now seeing that she has a problem and that it’s not completely her fault. But, maybe there is an element of her just being complacent. Whatever. I just want back the amazing woman I fell in love with.

I never put it together until getting this all out, but maybe all of these problems in our marriage are related to these few root causes. And believe me, I struggle with my own demons as well. I think this all stems from when she decided to stop her meds just before we got married, not completely because of me, also because the side effects were interfering with our efforts to start NFP. Before you freak out, my wife is a Doctor of Pharmacy, so she knows what she’s doing with drugs. For those who accuse me of playing doctor, she hasn’t really had a psych evaluation or counseling in probably 2 years. She just called her new doctor (we moved right after the wedding, long story) and told them what she had been taking and the doc wrote the prescription. So, there is no doctor telling her she needs to take this vital medication. It was just my wife saying she took this before, it made her feel better, so the doc refilled it. NEVERTHELESS, If this is what truly makes her feel better, and can bring back the woman I knew, I am 100% in support. I will keep my opinion to myself and support her decision. For the record, she told me a year ago that she was going to take the meds no matter what I thought about it. She still didn’t take them consistently until probably 2 weeks ago.

In conclusion, I will tell her that I am going to talk to a priest and INSIST that she seek counseling for herself for her eating disorder and that we go to marriage counseling together. If not, I will A) go to marriage counseling without her and B) involve our families to get her help.
 
macleoda said:
For those who accuse me of playing doctor, she hasn’t really had a psych evaluation or counseling in probably 2 years. She just called her new doctor (we moved right after the wedding, long story) and told them what she had been taking and the doc wrote the prescription.
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Not having any psych treatment for two years is a pretty big deal, under the circumstances.

Also, the move itself could be very isolating and depressing.
macleoda said:
In conclusion, I will tell her that I am going to talk to a priest and INSIST that she seek counseling for herself for her eating disorder and that we go to marriage counseling together.
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I wonder if a residential program is in order.
 
I’m fully aware that dating makes everyone bring out their best self. Downplaying or hiding the flaws and emphasizing the strengths. It’s human nature. I’m not demanding some idealized wife. There are actual tangible things that she used to do that she no longer does.

I know the move has affected both of us. We are both introverted and struggle to get out and make friends. Which is another reason I now know we need support. I seriously doubt she would ever agree to any (name removed by moderator)atient psych treatment as she is in a highly competitive residency that would have to be delayed or repeated. Her career is much too important to her.
 
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You married a woman with a serious, life threatening illness, and told her that she could get better by going outside? Bulimia is not a game, it is as real as heart disease or as diabetes.

Encourage her to get back to her doctor and therapist.
 
I was referring to the depression! I have read studies that show physical activity is as effective as antidepressants. I thought the bulimia was no longer in play. By the way, what exact lab value or blood test can show that someone has bulimia? Diabetes is diagnosed with a series of blood tests. Heart disease with stress tests and blood tests and echocardiograms and EKG’s that are all objective data. Psychiatry is all subjective. That’s what I struggle with. I don’t deny it’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed. But how to go about that is totally mystifying and physicians will differ
 
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