Unhappy With Marriage After 1 Year

  • Thread starter Thread starter macleoda
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Thanks, now I’ll know what to look for. I didn’t know how to use Google. Forget the copy of the DSM-V on my shelf. As if anyone is stupid enough to suggest a walk outside as a cure for a life-threatening illness.
 
Ok. My wife has a doctorate degree in a medical field and I plan on pursuing postgraduate studies as well in a health profession. To suggest that I would neglect my loved one who was suffering from a serious illness is insulting.
 
I think you must be struggling very much and it is probably very hard for you to see your bride going through this extremely difficult time. I think you made a good point to that point that she stopped her medication right before marriage could be the underlying issue. Getting married is a huge difference for a girl and I have several sisters that have all said that their first year of marriage is the hardest since it is such a huge adjustment.
Please encourage her to get back on her medication and see a professional to help her deal with things and she can than slowly wean herself off of medication.

If she has gained 40lbs and is lazy this could be a show of depression and sadness. when someone falls so far it is hard to get out without some serious prayer and medical help. Once she is in a better state she can wean off the medication with a good psychiatrist (I would suggest a catholic one who has their doctorate)

I know it is really tough for you but please encourage her to get on the medication and force her to talk to a professional. She is going through such a big change in her life and being an introvert must make it even more difficult since you moved and it will be hard to make new friends quickly.
 
This is so difficult. I sat my wife down last night and gave her the ultimatums that I stated here: that I am aware of her secret binging and I’m not going to ignore it anymore. I told her that she needs to get some kind of help, or I would be telling her parents so they can also convince her to get treatment.
I then told her that I’m not happy with the current state of our marriage and that I want to go to a priest and seek marriage counseling, with or without her.

Her response about the eating was to again minimize it. Acting like it isn’t a problem and saying to me that “it’s not that often” that she does it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m under the impression her binging is something that one should NEVER do.

And about our marriage, she also thought I was being ridiculous, saying “we’ve only been married for 18 months, we dont need counseling”. Next she went into a sort of breakdown, telling me through tears that she “already had tons of anxiety at work and now she has to have it at home”. Then she locked herself in another room and sobbed uncontrollably for a while. I felt terrible.
 
I’m wondering if your approach wasn’t received as confrontational instead of helpful. She’s in a delicate state. That doesn’t mean you ignore it, but your delivery might need some work (and a counselor can help you with how you should be approaching things).

That said, denial is a very common response for addiction and mental illnesses of all kinds so this is something you should expect. Keep going-- insisting on treatment. Engage her parents if you think it will help coax her to treatment.
 
macleoda said:
Acting like it isn’t a problem and saying to me that “it’s not that often” that she does it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m under the impression her binging is something that one should NEVER do.
Click to expand...
Well, I think we’ve all eaten our way to the bottom of the proverbial ice cream tub at least once in our lives. But, no, we are talking about a recovering bulimic here, so “not that often” is a completely different situation. If the bingeing is starting up, the body dysmorphia issues and purging could likely follow.
 
My heart is breaking for you and your bride. As someone who has developed an anxiety issue in the past couple years, I get it We humans can be such a broken lot.

Find a counselor for you that can do one-party marriage counseling. (I’ll give props to Dr. Gregory Popcak for that one). Here are two links that can refer you to Catholic counselors. Tele-counseling is also available with many counselors. I found my counselor through Catholic Therapists and I can go to his office.



I don’t know if you two are ‘outdoorsy’ people but the best thing sometimes is to just go out for a casual stroll. Hug - often! At least one good hug a day. No sex - just a hug. Also, look into getting a weighted blanket for her. Weighted blankets are excellent for people with anxiety issues and sleep issues. It’s kind of like sleeping with a giant hug all night. It has the same effect on adults as swaddling. You could probably use the weighted blanket as well! We all need to feel secure from time to time.

Until she decides she needs to go to counseling on her own - there’s not much you can do. This is the same as any addict. You can take care of you until she decides to take care of herself. While hugs and blankets don’t seem like much, they do help you by knowing you’ve done something. That you are trying to be proactive without being mean and/or hovering.

Pray for the intercession of Our Lady of Lourdes for healing.
"Loving God, you are always near to us, especially when we are weak, suffering and vulnerable. Reach out to those who experience mental illness. Lift their burdens, calm their anxiety, and quiet their fears. Surround them with your healing presence that they may know that they are not alone. We ask this through the intercession of Our Lady of Lourdes and in the name of your Son, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, now and forever. Amen "
 
macleoda said:
I was referring to the depression! I have read studies that show physical activity is as effective as antidepressants. I thought the bulimia was no longer in play. By the way, what exact lab value or blood test can show that someone has bulimia? Diabetes is diagnosed with a series of blood tests. Heart disease with stress tests and blood tests and echocardiograms and EKG’s that are all objective data. Psychiatry is all subjective. That’s what I struggle with. I don’t deny it’s a serious problem that needs to be addressed. But how to go about that is totally mystifying and physicians will differ
Click to expand...
How to go about it needs to be up to her doctor, not you. Yes, physical activity is effective in some cases, but she needs to get to a place where she can even attempt it, and may not be able to do that without medication.

You mentioned that she decided to stop her medication before you got married because of side effects related to NFP, but also because you were not supportive of her taking them. That’s where I think you need to go back and have a conversation with her about it. It’s not enough to simply keep your mouth shut about what you think about the medication- taking it a step further to assure her that you were WRONG to influence her in any way about it might be really helpful to her. She loves you. Deep down she wants to please you. She stopped medication that (presumably, from your information) was helping her before- for you- and look what it’s done to your marriage.

A heavy handed approach issuing her ultimatums isn’t a wise idea until you give the medication a chance to start working again. Encourage her to see her doctor but also make it clear to her that you will be supportive of whatever she and her doctor decide together. On one hand you are trying to force her into getting help, but you’ve also told her before that you don’t believe in the help that used to help her. That’s confusing, so try to be more consistent.
 
Couldn’t agree more. As much as her behavior is hurting you and affecting you, please reassure her that you are there for her and even take initiatives to set up a doctors appointment for her and a counselor.
Before I got married to my husband he had some major issues with his family and was became completely incapable and indecisive in even everyday issues and I saw him fall apart almost completely. Knowing people that had to go through this before and the longer it goes on the harder and longer it takes to get out of it, I immediately looked up counselors for him to see and researched and contacted about 5. (a few of them were all booked up and I had to keep looking) I also insisted that he take medication in the interm and to get off of it when he felt comfortable. He would not have talked to anyone if I didn’t set it up for him.
Within 2 weeks of him being on medication he went back to being more confident and his old self, since he started talking to a therapist he has also gone off the medication and has been better.
I know it’s hard but please have patience with your wife and set up the appointments for her, it may be hard and you may feel like you’re doing everything on your own and carrying the weight but stick with it for 6 months. Try to get the appointments set up within a week for her to go on medication and an appointment with the therapist. If she doesn’t act enthusiastic at all, don’t be deflated and just put her in the car and drive her there.
 
BlueMantle said:
As far as the way she was before marriage …. that probably felt to her like a lot stress, trying to be the perfect companion for you.
Click to expand...
Another issue is that before you were living together, she could be perfect for you while you were together for a short period of time and then go home and relax, but now that you spend all of your off-work time together, she’s “on” all the time, which (paradoxically!) in her case means that she’s completely switched off.
 
I suggest another tactic with your wife to convince her to counseling.

Some catholics counselors said that counseling should not just be in emergency cases, because it can be too late.
Counseling, retreat or cessions for married couple can be a natural part of a marriage to keep both spouses adjust to one another to prevent them growing apart and conjugal crisis.

So, you can just said it’s not that your marriage is to the point of falling if you need counseling after 18 mouths. It is not an anormality, but you need this prevention to feel better because you have both issues to work on to improve your relation and make some future plans.

On the eating problems, minimalizing is normal if one feels attack by his spouse. It is really unplesant. By experience, it is so pleasurable to eat to fill a void, and seems harmless. But if she gains so much weight, it’s mormal that you bring the topic. She needs to feel happier in all aspect to her life, and control her life again to progress on this issue.
 
Last edited:
So, you told your wife that she should go for walks instead of taking her depression meds and now she’s depressed.
 
Not all women want to be stay at home moms. Period.

I tried it and hated it. I’m far happier perusing a career and raising my family than staying at home.

It’s not something for everyone and I would venture a guess that not supporting her in her career path would exacerbate the depression. Especially if this is something she wants to do.

It’s far different to if you actually wanted to be a mom at home and home school but it is probably an even larger 180 that would bring on more depression to completely give up something she worked so hard on.

I really don’t understand why so necessary to suggest that women should be at home.

It’s can make everything much worse and make her feel trapped because she gave up her ambitions.

I wanted to get my degree and use it. It’s fulfilling for me and makes me a better mother, wife, and Catholic.
 
Maybe I was heavy handed. I’m really tired of going round and round about these things with her. It was probably a bit of a shock to her because like I said I think she truly believed that things were more or less good.

As for stopping the medication, her doctor was fine when she told them she wanted to stop. She met the criteria of being 6 to 9 months without symptoms. It is always possible that people with depressive episodes will relapse into depression. Especially when she hadn’t developed good coping skills. After subsequent episodes, the likelihood of getting off meds is lower and lower.
What I’m saying is, she wasn’t depressed at the time and it was likely she would have relapsed no matter what. I don’t know what is accomplished by blaming everything on me. I was always supportive and encouraged her to seek counseling. She just stopped going when we moved and hasn’t felt she has the time to seek it out again. Her family have always said they’re glad she has me and that she seems so much more stable since we’ve been together.
 
Medications are good for many people, but behavior modification and coping skills are more important. Also, even when someone has mental health issues, poor behavior cannot and should not be tolerated. They are still responsible for their behavior and need to be held accountable. There are consequences for poor behavior. Boundaries need to be set and held firmly in place.

I say this as someone that has had her family built around mental disorders. My oldest six were born to a schizophrenic mom and they were very traumatized by what they experienced. When they came to live with us there were years and years of therapy. Medication alone does no one any good. It must be combined with hard work.
 
macleoda said:
Especially when she hadn’t developed good coping skills.
Click to expand...
You may not intend it, you may not even think about it, but these phrases go back to the idea that someone with depression needs to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be better. Blaming a person for their illness.

Coping skills are important for everyone, just like eating right and getting good sleep, but these things in and of themselves cannot cure mental illnesses any more than one can cope themselves out of having lupus or cancer.
macleoda said:
What I’m saying is, she wasn’t depressed at the time and it was likely she would have relapsed no matter what.
Click to expand...
Often those of us who live with, who love, the person with illness are the first to notice the signs. I can tell when my husband is going to be re-hospitalized about a week before it happens. From one care-giver spouse to another, we have to be vigilant for the signs of relapse.
macleoda said:
I don’t know what is accomplished by blaming everything on me.
Click to expand...
A gut reaction from those of us who have loved people with clinical depression, and I for one have personally watched eating disorders kill bright young women, it must have felt like blame. I am sorry.

To begin a new life with dreams and plans, only to find out that you get the “in sickness” part of the vows from the start would be painful. While this article is aimed at parents who have a disabled child, it is also fitting for those of us who have spouses who are seriously ill far when they are young:

(next post)
 

WELCOME TO HOLLAND by Emily Perl Kingsley.​


When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around… and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills…and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top