Unhappy With Marriage After 1 Year

[rcwitness]

Very insightful post. You see what truly contributes to the breakdown.

Then, add to this that the Church doesn’t know how to deal with these issues!

Everyone is being conditioned to seeking medication and secular lawsuits (legal separation/divorce) yet never attacking the moral issues head on.

A pastor who sees a parishioner denying a matter of our Catholic faith should confront them! Tell them… “This is not what our faith professes! You should NOT be receiving His Eucharist while behaving this way, and rejecting our Catholic faith! I support a separation with terms so that you might turn to repentance and a State of grace again.”

 

[13pollitos]

That is beautiful! Thank you for posting this here.

 

[rcwitness]

It’s all about our stubbornness to control everything, and have our life the way we want. And entitlement to not suffer. Lol! Jesus was the only one entitled not to suffer. Thank goodness he chose to!

James 4

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and get gain”; whereas you do not know about tomorrow. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and we shall do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. Whoever knows what is right to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

 

[CatholicWife1]

I haven’t told her yet that I feel like it was a mistake, or that I often wish I could get out of this marriage.

And please don’t ever tell her that!

She probably intuitively knows that you feels this way which could be causing a cascade of negative feelings for her. I think getting marriage counseling is a great idea. But I also think that you have to cling to your vows. We make vows so that when we don’t feel like loving the other person the promises we made before God compels us to. Christ crucified is an image of marriage, not because it is suppose to be painful, but because it is suppose to be self sacrificial unto death. If she doesn’t want to go to counseling now, then give her time and continue to love her more and more each day and pray for her even more than you do now. Jesus didn’t come down from the cross until his mission was completed. Prayers for you both.

 

[Norseman82]

First things: from what you posted, you knew going into the marriage that she had medical issues, correct? If that is the case, I do not see any grounds for annulment, since based on what I’m reading she did not hide anything important from you. Also, when you married her, you made a vow/promise to be true to her in “sickness and in health”. So please quash all thoughts of “dumping her”.

That being said, you did mention about involving her family. Although I thought I saw someone say that was a bad idea (can’t find the post now, it may have been edited?), I am not totally opposed to that idea. It may not require an all-out intervention, just visiting? When was the last time you guys visited her family or vice versa? Does she get along with her family? After all, you mentioned that you moved after marriage, so perhaps separation from her family may be causing additional stress? Additionally, maybe her family can provide extra support and fill you in on the history, “coping mechanisms”, “triggers”, etc. that may help (unless, of course, there is something in her family that is the cause/trigger for her stress). However, you are the one closest to the situation.

 

[macleoda]

Thanks for that. I can really relate the idea of having a child with the excitement of preparing for marriage. Also, providential since our belated honeymoon in June was to Italy!

 

[macleoda]

You may not intend it, you may not even think about it, but these phrases go back to the idea that someone with depression needs to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and be better. Blaming a person for their illness.

Coping skills are important for everyone, just like eating right and getting good sleep, but these things in and of themselves cannot cure mental illnesses any more than one can cope themselves out of having lupus or cancer.

You can’t “cope yourself out of” Lupus or Cancer. But a type II diabetic person can choose to change their diet, lose weight and exercise and get off insulin. A person with high cholesterol can do the same to lower their cholesterol and decrease their risk of heart disease. Or they can take statins to do the same thing. Any good physician would encourage the people who want to do it without drugs. Some people need the drugs. Disease is a combination of genetics and environmental factors and it would behoove us to control what we have influence over. We can sit here and debate until we’re blue in the face about the varying roles these factors have in the progression of disease and people’s culpability in their actions. Obviously even people on this forum have different views. Even our criminal justice system is inconsistent with the current state of science regarding crimes related to alcohol and drugs and other addictive substances. This despite the fact that medical science now regards addiction as a disease and these people and our society would benefit more from rehabilitating people instead of putting them in prison. My point being that doctors, scientists, lawmakers, the church - all people much smarter than me - disagree on how to treat and hold people accountable when they have a mental disease or disorder.

For my part, I believe that there’s too much of an emphasis on the medication component and not enough on the other parts of treatment. People can and do manage chronic diseases through non-drug means. That doesn’t mean drugs don’t have their place and aren’t indeed life-saving treatments in some instances. It’s apparent now that in my wife’s case they are necessary for her and that will probably always be the case.

 

[Lou2U]

Some thoughts I have:

1. I think you need to sit down with your wife and talk frankly about her illness. I know that’s much easier said than done, but this is something that’s going to affect her for the rest of her life and it will affect your marriage. Knowing about it - her triggers, her symptoms, how best to support her - is going to be your greatest asset. Go to counseling together and work out a way to communicate that gets across how you feel without coming on too strong or bluntly.
2. It’s okay to feel how you do. It’s okay and normal to feel frustrated and angry. You’re newlyweds, you should be in the honeymoon period and everything should be hunky-dory. Unfortunately, that’s not how it’s happened for you, and it’s okay to be unhappy about that. Just make sure you’re channeling that in a way that stops resentment building up between you and your wife. Again, a lot easier said than done.
3. Make sure you have support. Of course your wife will need to get help from doctors and therapists as well as you and her family. But make sure there’s someone looking out for you as well.

Something else that struck me was your comment about your wife being a pharmacist, so she knows about medication. I don’t wish to offend with this, but please don’t take your wife’s words as gospel when it comes to medication and her own illness. She’s not looking from an objective perspective and she needs to listen to the words of her own doctor. It’s very difficult to make rational decisions about your own medication. I know you said later on her doctor was okay with her coming off her medication - now you know she struggles without it, so that’s something she needs to stick with.

I’m sorry you’re going through so much. Be kind to yourself, and your wife. Be gentle with her, tell her you love her and you’re here to support her. Get your own support network in place and make sure her family are helping her as well as you. I hope this gets better.

 

[Psalm30]

I don’t know what is accomplished by blaming everything on me

Everything you’ve posted about your wife hits home with me for many reasons:

• I have depression.

• I went off a medication that was working (with my doctor’s approval because I had been taking it for nine months and no longer had symptoms) right before my wedding because my husband and I did not plan to practice conservative NFP early in our marriage and I was worried about the effects of the medication on a potential baby.

• Going off the medication proved to be a horrible idea, as I completely relapsed into all the symptoms (which the doctor had warned me about, saying it’s not a good idea to go off medication during a significant life change, but still agreed to let me try to go off it because of my concerns about pregnancy).

• I ended up going back on the medication. (The doctor told me the benefits of the medication outweighed the risks for pregnancy. I thank God both my children were born perfectly healthy.)

• The medication keeps things under control but I still struggle with everyday task completion. As I mentioned in another post, sometimes merely carrying a cup to the dishwasher can literally feel like running a marathon. And it’s a viscous cycle. Dishes pile up. Laundry piles up. The mess makes me depressed, and the depression makes it all the more difficult to get the tasks done.

• I don’t work outside the home, but I am a mom to two young children which is more than a full time job. I am so drained by caring for them that I have very little energy left over for chores like dishes and laundry. I hate the mess, and I really wish I could do better. But it is truly just so hard. I can definitely understand your wife having very little energy left after a day at work.

• My husband is the primary breadwinner (he works from home and has flexible hours, but still has to work hard), and he does all the chores. He cooks dinner every night, takes out the trash, and does the majority of cleaning the kitchen. He also does all of his own laundry and sometimes the children’s laundry. And he does fair amount of vacuuming and mopping. Never once in six years of marriage has he ever complained about it. Never once has he implicated to me that he is unhappy with me for not doing more (sometimes if I do start to do a chore, he will stop me and proceed to do it himself). If neither of us does a certain thing and maybe the dishes or laundry pile up, he doesn’t get upset. He’s said on many occasions that having the house perfectly clean at all times simply isn’t important to him. He’s just easy going like that.

• My illness is pretty much as under control as ever, but I still have good days and bad days. Mental illness isn’t all or nothing, sick or cured. Moods come in stages, and it often doesn’t take too much to trigger an “episode” of a very low mood for me. If I ever got the slightest vibe that my husband thought our marriage was a mistake because of my illness, I’d probably have a breakdown.

Part 1 of 2

 

[Psalm30]

Part 2 of 2

• I am an only child, and many people stereotype only children as spoiled (not you necessarily, but another poster on this thread). Well, I’ve got news for everyone, not all only children are spoiled, and not every child from a family of ten children is an upstanding, non-entitled member of society. Furthermore, to compare the pain of depression to being spoiled — regardless of how many children are in a person’s family — is ignorant and hurtful.

All is to say, this is a sensitive issue, and it’s likely to ignite feelings in those who have a mental illness and those who are loved ones/caretakers of someone with a mental illness. No offense toward you was intended. We’re just trying to get you to see things from the other perspective.

 

[chevalier]

Like Pensmama87, I thought depression too. Depression can last for a long time with the depressed person losing track of time and thinking it’s a temporary problem day after day, month after month, year after a year. Loss of interest in anything but physically surviving and destressing after work may well be connected with serious problems at work. Don’t underestimate whatever she may be going through at work, but it could also be wise to find out. After all, if things are that bad at work, she needs help on that front and needs out. And for the record, don’t underestimate depression. Depression is ‘legit’, depression is, real, depression has real medical causes, involving the chemical balance of the organism, and not just some idle fancies, and depression can do much more damage that your wife is suffering. I’ve seen it lead to alcoholism, inability to work, and compulsion to sleep all the time, while having guests over and needing to care for a child while the other spouse was out of the country. For example. And it can get even worse than that. And for the record, I am a case too. Mine isn’t as bad as your wife’s, but it isn’t pretty either. Like Psalm30 says, the struggle is real. Unlike Psalm, I was spoiled. I know the difference. It’s never a clean difference, but I also know when the depression doesn’t make you unable to accomplish things, just very reluctant to start. Consequently, I believe a minor case of depression, perhaps even moderate, is not quite the excuse some people make it. Including my own case. But anyway, the struggle is in fact real.

I agree with other folks about not being an enabler, so to speak, but without seeming to undertake a parental role, and precisely because of the difficulty of balancing this you want to talk to an experienced professional counsellor.

As regards your feeling duped, I feel for you, bro. And unless she has a valid medical disorder, you were in fact tricked. But it does seem likely that she has depression and maybe something else.

 

[chevalier]

I’ve tried leaving her things to do. A sink full of dishes will sit for days until I can’t stand it. She even has the gall to say “I didn’t dirty any of those” when referring to the pots & pans that I used to cook us dinner. If I don’t do her laundry, she will eventually wash it because she needs clothes for work. But it all stays in piles. Other things, like vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom she will do if we’re going to have company, especially if it’s her family or her friends visiting. But the day-to-day things and cleaning up after her are all my job.

I would be happy to bear the majority of the burden of house work if I believed she truly couldn’t contribute. It’s true that her job is more demanding than mine, but I don’t think the current state of things is all because of her work.

Any other possible addictions (alcohol, computer games, whatever)? Or just how exhausting is that work?

 

[chevalier]

Moreover, any decent doctor will advise their patient that medication is one of many options for treating a mental disorder and shouldn’t always be the first line of treatment. I also know the human tendency to want the quick fix and to just take a pill to make it all better. OK, maybe that pill is what you need to pick yourself up off the floor and do the other things that can begin your healing. Yet, does she get a pass on EVERYTHING because she’s depressed? I can be genuinely lazy and selfish at times, so why can’t she?

That’s all true, but serious cases of depression do need medication (with the resulting side-effects, unfortunately), or else it gets really bad, including death for somatic causes (e.g. heart-related) in quite young people. As for the pills, sometimes they help you pick yourself up from the floor, sometimes they make it even more difficult, while preventing something bad that could happen to you, depending on what they are for. The free pass shouldn’t apply, and frankly I find as difficult as you to believe depression explains the whole set of behaviour, but you can’t take risks and act like she needs to span out and get her act together, because chances are she can’t. Things like laziness or concealment or tricking you, about which I assure you I’d feel as bad as you do if not worse, you can deal with after she gets help (if they still remain on the table at the time). Where I think (but may still be wrong) people with depression need a push is to go see a doctor.

And yeah, don’t compare your own past depression to hers. There are plenty of possible causes, shapes and forms. Some are in fact of the kind that require you to just get a grip, some relate to a legitimate event in your life, and some are just out-of-the-blue things relating to the chemical balance of your organism that you really can’t help. So you can’t know. Now focus on helping her and getting her to accept help.

 

[chevalier]

She has an illness, she’s not a brat. I’m getting a vibe from your posts that you are annoyed and upset with her, and if you’re projecting that vibe onto her, believe me, it’s not going to help anything. She needs compassion and understanding right now, not a husband who doesn’t take her illness seriously or just thinks she’s lazy and spoiled.

He does have a right to feel that way, and he needs help to, or else he’s going to be the next case in that house pretty soon. As for the compassion and understanding that is needed, that doesn’t include waiting endlessly or being overlenient. It is imperative that she sees a doctor and gets serious about getting help, which includes accepting that she needs help.

 

[chevalier]

What I’m saying is, she wasn’t depressed at the time and it was likely she would have relapsed no matter what. I don’t know what is accomplished by blaming everything on me.

People empathize more easily with their own sex than with the opposite, and empathizing with a male is even more difficult, especially when there is a female on the other side. This may be the reason why so many posters focus on her needs and rights and not yours. But it’s also true that she needs help quite seriously for all we can all tell, so her situation is simply more urgent than yours. But I want to stress that your own situation in this is legitimately bad and you yourself need help too and might in my opinion be in danger of developing depression/relapsing yourself over this if you don’t get help/take care of yourself. In which case the same should apply, and does apply, to you, viz. you can’t just be told to please be less selfish and do even more than you already are doing, with an even wider smile, and so on, because that’s not gonna work. I believe you need a counsellor for yourself if only because of the risk inherent in the circumstances and your past history with depression. And your problem with this situation is a legitimate problem.

 

[13pollitos]

I’m not sure why you and another poster think she’s spoiled. She has an illness, she’s not a brat.

It is more than possible to both have an illness and be a spoiled brat. It actually happens a lot. The two things can and often do go hand in hand. That is a big part of why behavior modification and therapy should used, not just relying on medications. Even if medications improve mood and thinking, they do nothing to change behaviors.

OP, I would like to make sure your wife has a good physical and the drs check her thyroid levels. The symptoms you describe can happen with other illnesses besides mental health reasons. And I do understand your feelings here. You have every right to desire for your wife to behave in a way a married woman should behave. Every therapist that worked with my family was adamant that even those who are suffering mental illnesses must learn boundaries and limits. They are responsible for their behavior, and the people around them have every right to be offended when they don’t behave in the ways they should behave. Actions, or inaction, have consequences. One of those consequences is offending or disappointing those who love you.

 

[macleoda]

Thanks for sharing that. The degree to which your story mirrors that of my wife and myself is pretty astounding. Your husband is a far better man than I for doing all that without complaining. I see now that all the problems my wife and I have been having are likely more related to her mental issues than I realized. It just hadn’t really dawned on me that these things were so connected and maybe I was looking to pin the blame on her for being lazy or just lacking character. I’m sure I’m to blame as well.

I’m just glad to have resolved to get help and really talk about these things with her. I’m also glad she’s taking her meds again.