Unkind confessor

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I suppose I’m not the only one this has happened to, but I went to Confession for Christmas, and the priest was most impatient and had not a kind word at all. I know what I did was wrong, but that’s why I was there. How does one handle this? I suppose he may have been having a bad day as we all do. I just have a sense that I am not really forgiven since he certainly didn’t seem to even tho he gave absolution.
 
First, sympathy for your experience. We all have bad days.
But do not think that he ‘didn’t forgive you’ based on your emotions. He gave absolution. That is what counts.
 
I’m sorry this happened. Maybe he’s having a bad day.
Just say a prayer for him, and forget it. The important thing is that you went to confession and received absolution.
 
If he gave you absolution, then you can count on being forgiven. It is possible that he was not very understanding, and sometimes that can really be a good thing. I think all too often we accept our sins as being “only natural,” and frequntly get too much acceptance in the confessional. I’ve actually started going to confession at a different parish, because I felt that my confessor had become too familiar and too sympathetic.
 
katy said:
I suppose I’m not the only one this has happened to, but I went to Confession for Christmas, and the priest was most impatient and had not a kind word at all. I know what I did was wrong, but that’s why I was there. How does one handle this? I suppose he may have been having a bad day as we all do. I just have a sense that I am not really forgiven since he certainly didn’t seem to even tho he gave absolution.
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The man behind of the screen for any reason or no reason at all may not want to forgive you. However, Christ is there via the Priest and He gave you absolution.

Let me tell you a story: I was once at confession where their were two priests giving confession. Essentially, the line was such that depending on how it went, your turn may result in you going to one Priest or the other.

The entire time I was in line I was hoping (not praying as I didn’t think it was a virtuous request) that the Priest I knew who would be harsher with me wouldn’t become first available for me. In the end, the “softer” Priest was who came available to me so in relief I confessed my sins.

But later, I questioned whether or not this is what God wanted for me. Maybe I should have made the affirmative decision to go to the “harder” Priest and taken my medicine from he who I know was there in the Person of Christ.

My point: Maybe the harsh message was the one you were supposed to hear in conjunction with absolution.
 
This might do better on the liturgy and sacraments forum, but I’ll leave that up to the moderators.

You are right–you are not the only person who has had a confessor who didn’t use kid gloves. Back in college (this was 1975) I was privileged to be part of a pilgrimage to Rome during Holy Week of that Jubilee Year. Wanting everthing to be perfect, I confessed at St. Peter’s (they have confessionals marked for different languages). Already at that time Americans like myself were used to the touchy-feely school of confessing, which of course was even more exaggerated in college chaplaincies than in parishes. So I was shocked and, frankly, embarrassed when I was asked to elaborate on the nature of my sins (take a good guess about their general character, given that I was a healthy 20-year-old college student), was told flat-out that I was in a state of mortal sin, a term already practically obsolete in US liberal Catholic usage, and forced to do a rather extensive and (purposely, I imagine) silly penance, being spared only the embarrassment of having to do it in public. Confession, the old-fashioned way.

I have to think that priests have an enormously difficult time with the sacrament of penance. They are torn between telling it like it is from official Catholic teaching and risking losing a congregant in this loose age where voting with one’s feet at the slightest sign of discomfort is always an option, or going easy on someone and risking appearing to condone what is, in fact, taught by the Church to be sin.
 
Jbuck, us laity always discuss the scenario you allude to (speak the truth and risk losing a parishioner or speak softly and risk criticism for condoning grave sin) but I once said this to a Priest and he laughed. He told me that the struggle is much different in reality. It is about assessing the best counsel that will result in the desired goal- salvation for the penitent. He told me that Priests will be accountable for what they do or don’t do for thier flock. He talked about he trembles in fear for himself because of this grave responsibility. He went on to say that knows no priest regardless of their theological disposition who considers the impact on his parish if one leaves the faith but always it is focused on the impact on the penitent. He concluded with a smile on his face that we are way to cynical.
 
Orionthehunter said:
Jbuck, us laity always discuss the scenario you allude to (speak the truth and risk losing a parishioner or speak softly and risk criticism for condoning grave sin) but I once said this to a Priest and he laughed. He told me that the struggle is much different in reality. It is about assessing the best counsel that will result in the desired goal- salvation for the penitent. He told me that Priests will be accountable for what they do or don’t do for thier flock. He talked about he trembles in fear for himself because of this grave responsibility. He went on to say that knows no priest regardless of their theological disposition who considers the impact on his parish if one leaves the faith but always it is focused on the impact on the penitent. He concluded with a smile on his face that we are way to cynical.
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Interesting - fair enough, to a shepherd of souls it’s probably more important not to scare the parishioner away from Confession than to not scare them away from the parish.

I did have a wonderful (though sadly temporary) confessor who was good at holding me to high standards without doing so in an abrasive or offensive manner. Wish I could find someone like him again 🙂
 
katy said:
I suppose I’m not the only one this has happened to, but I went to Confession for Christmas, and the priest was most impatient and had not a kind word at all. I know what I did was wrong, but that’s why I was there. How does one handle this? I suppose he may have been having a bad day as we all do. I just have a sense that I am not really forgiven since he certainly didn’t seem to even tho he gave absolution.
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The sacrament is not based on your feelings about it, nor is it based on the priest forgiving you 🙂

If the poor man had been hearing confessions for a long time, he may have been exhausted. No excuse, but I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. I simply can’t imagine being cooped up in the confessional for long periods of time. No wonder St. John Vianney became a saint! —KCT
 
Thanks for your responses. I’m so glad I posted with my question. You guys came up with some possibilties I hadn’t thought of, and I am considering the idea he may have actually been trying to do me good.
 
When my wife applied for her annulment, the priest chewed us out, which really angered me. I was furious. I also got over it with time. Hang in there. It’ll pass.👍
 
Orionthehunter said:
Jbuck, us laity always discuss the scenario you allude to (speak the truth and risk losing a parishioner or speak softly and risk criticism for condoning grave sin) but I once said this to a Priest and he laughed. He told me that the struggle is much different in reality. It is about assessing the best counsel that will result in the desired goal- salvation for the penitent. He told me that Priests will be accountable for what they do or don’t do for thier flock. He talked about he trembles in fear for himself because of this grave responsibility. He went on to say that knows no priest regardless of their theological disposition who considers the impact on his parish if one leaves the faith but always it is focused on the impact on the penitent. He concluded with a smile on his face that we are way to cynical.
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You know, I buy that. Humbling prospect, isn’t it?

I taught at a Catholic high school for ten years, and there was always a day set aside in Lent for confessions, the confessors brought in for the occasion including at least one of the auxiliary bishops, which I suppose is neither here nor there. Needless to say, those teens were scared to death. (Of course, no one was forced to confess, but most of the Catholic students wanted to.) One year the young (not five years from ordination) chaplain made the self-evident statement that they all needed to hear: “You cannot tell us anything that we have not already heard.” Scary indeed, for the priests, I mean.
 
jbuck919 said:
You know, I buy that. Humbling prospect, isn’t it?

I taught at a Catholic high school for ten years, and there was always a day set aside in Lent for confessions, the confessors brought in for the occasion including at least one of the auxiliary bishops, which I suppose is neither here nor there. Needless to say, those teens were scared to death. (Of course, no one was forced to confess, but most of the Catholic students wanted to.) One year the young (not five years from ordination) chaplain made the self-evident statement that they all needed to hear: “You cannot tell us anything that we have not already heard.” Scary indeed, for the priests, I mean.
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Jbuck, it is more than scary. I warrants our love and affection for the burdens our Priests take on for us and is greatly why I often come out on CAF so strongly in defense of our Priests.

Let me tell you a story. I was once in a private setting talking with a Priest friend of mine. I was casually talking about how he must be glad that Easter was finally over because of all the pressure of the Tridium, confirmation of the RCIA candidates, and all the things we see them do throughout lent.

Father then said that isn’t what is hard on him. Those are the things that drew him to the Priesthood and he most looked forward to during his time in the seminary. What was hard on him was Confession during Lent (and I’m sure Advent) vs. the shorter lines and less time on the regular Saturday confessions. He related about how as a Pastor one naturally comes to love his parishioners. He sees them in so many situations where it is easy to imagine all is well and good. And then Lent comes.

He told about how he has to hear about all the abuse, sexual sin, infidelity, isolation, despair that just seems to go on and on for days. These are people he knows he loves and they are experiencing pain that he doesn’t see the other times he encounters his flock, even in the bad times.

Unlike situations of death and sickness or annullments-divorce when he can minister to them, in Confession, the only solace he has is that he is able to give them absolution and can pray for them. He can’t reach out to them, counsel them, or otherwise minister to them.

The role of being a Confessor is his biggest test as it requires him to totally Trust the Holy Spirit and the graces given to them via the absolution is sufficient of his flock as he is helpless to do more.

Thank God for our Priests. I remember this story every time I’m tempted to complain about a homily.
 
Christ forgives you perfectly, his instrument is not perfect 🙂

Recall the story of Baalam’s donkey? I bet that donkey still stunk even when the Lord caused him to speak 😃
 
As an alternative point of view, I have heard a couple of priest talk very strongly about the damage done by other priests in confession.

In one case a priest had a parishioner who refused to go to confession because when they were young a priest used the confession as a chance to condemn them and yell at them.

It is clearly possible for a priest to take the wrong approach in confession.

However, we often need the priest to tell us what we don’t want to hear. We need to be asked the hard questions. We need to be given the best chance of admitting those most deeply held secrets, and sometimes that requires a bit of unpleasant probing.

Also, priests are human. They sometimes take the wrong approach for dealing with a situation. However, they are acting in the person of Christ in offering absolution, so even if the experience is unpleasant, it can still be very helpful.

I can certainly testify that the power of the sacrament of confession has had a great impact on my life. Confession can set us free and heal us. Yet, like certain medical procedures, we may have to endure discomfort to receive the cure we need.
 
I know what has been said in several posts, but it does not take much to scare people away from, if not the faith, than at least the observance with a single ill-chosen moment of rudeness, and very often this came not from priests, but from nuns who met the stereotype of Sister Sourpuss. My mother, a convert as a young woman, was instructed to pray at the altar rail (possibly to say her penance on the spot) after confession. She did so one day and was told rudely by the resident Attila the Honey to get away from the altar rail and kneel in a pew. She never went to confession again. An overreaction? Of course. But decades later, when she was undergoing the ordeal of an unwanted divorce from my unfaithful father, she sought out the counsel of the local pastor. One morning, he greeted her thus after Mass (in front of other people): “Hello, loveless.” She has not attended Mass since then, and that was 30 years ago.

Is it the fault of “the Church” that my mother is non-observant? No. But I think I’ve made my point.
 
jbuck919 said:
I know what has been said in several posts, but it does not take much to scare people away from, if not the faith, than at least the observance with a single ill-chosen moment of rudeness, and very often this came not from priests, but from nuns who met the stereotype of Sister Sourpuss. My mother, a convert as a young woman, was instructed to pray at the altar rail (possibly to say her penance on the spot) after confession. She did so one day and was told rudely by the resident Attila the Honey to get away from the altar rail and kneel in a pew. She never went to confession again. An overreaction? Of course. But decades later, when she was undergoing the ordeal of an unwanted divorce from my unfaithful father, she sought out the counsel of the local pastor. One morning, he greeted her thus after Mass (in front of other people): “Hello, loveless.” She has not attended Mass since then, and that was 30 years ago.

Is it the fault of “the Church” that my mother is non-observant? No. But I think I’ve made my point.
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I’m so sorry to hear about her experiences. I guess any of us who have been around the Church for any lenght of time has had some experiences with rudeness from another Church member or a priest or a nun.
 
I have confessed to a priest who made me cry. But I believe he made me recognized the gravity of my sin by not blowing it off as being just a “natural” human thing/reaction. I like it when priests are tough on a person for serious sins. I tend to find that those same “tell it like it is” priests also tend to be the most compassionate as you get to know them.

I once went to confession the day before Divine Mercy Sunday at a local parish (a very small Catholic Church) that didn’t have a confessional line like my parish (my parish usually has a line every week, and on days before holy days, there is not enough time to get everyone into confession due to mass). When I was confessing the sins I did not confess in years past (ones that I didn’t remember at my previous confessions but that the Holy Spirit revealed to me) the priest laughed at me. It wasn’t a smile but an all out laugh. He appologized, but after that, I’ll never confess to that priest again. I recently heard he’s in rehab for alcohol abuse, so my heart and prayers go out to him, and maybe that explains his behaviour in the confessional, but still, I’ll stick to the priests that I know will hold me accountable.
 
Is it true that some people say

" Bless me Father for I have sinned ".

If this is true, then if one has not sinned, it becomes

" Condemn me Father for I have NOT sinned ".

What also puzzles me, is how anyone can live with even having committed just one sin. I sure couldn’t ! 👍
 
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