Unknown Addiction Still Considered Sacramental Marriage?

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True2Live

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Hi there,

My husband and I have been married for about 18 months now, we are both in our twenties. While we were dating, we struggled with purity. We never had sex, but still went further than we should have. We always went to the sacrament of penance whenever we fell together. As our relationship progressed (about a year or so in) I, unfortunately, discovered my then boyfriend with some pornographic recent searches. I confronted him and he let me know he “struggled with porn every now and then and want to stop”. I always prayed for him and trusted that he has both the will and relationships/accountability to easily stop using porn.
Fast forward a couple of years, about 7 months into marriage, I walked in on my husband touching himself. I was shocked and confused. Long story short he cried and said he would stop using and speak to an old friend who would be his “accountability”

Fast forward another year, to about 2 days ago, I found a porn stars name and pictures on his computer.
I panicked.
I looked into the search history and found random collections of pornographic searches, (some being the ones he forgot to remove from his history) scattered over the last 2 years or so…including seeing that he used porn not even a week before he proposed, and not even 2 days after (we were long distance for our engagement as I finished up college).

I confronted my husband with this most recent finding, and he admitted he had been using porn at least 2-3x a week FOR ALMOST THE PAST YEAR!!!
I am numb.
He has been secretly battling with this what I had thought was a struggle, a serious one of course, but he had lied to me, time in and time again. He would tell me “everything is ok!” or “you need to trust me!”. Come to find out he is legitimately addicted one and a half years into our marriage. He also recently told me he didn’t want to have sex anymore out of nowhere, to help him see “that he could abstain from sex” if I were to get pregnant since we have been trying for over a year now. Which I don’t even know if I can trust the good intent behind that either.

I don’t even know what to do. I spoke with a sister/nun who questioned the validity of our marriage and said that it be urgent I speak to a priest.

I don’t know who to talk to, where to go, as we just moved to a new state.

Do we still have a sacramental marriage if I never knew how severe this was of an issue, namely, being addicted to pornography and lying to me about it??
 
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You should be talking to your priest about this, not us. This is extremely personal and difficult for all involved, and this board will not be helpful to you.
 
I do not “have a priest” as we just moved…Where is there a place to ask this question?? I am new to this site and cannot find any other websites or documents online about unknown addictions effecting the validity/sacramental aspect of a Catholic marriage.
 
Is there a church near your new place? Or can you get on the phone with your old priest?
 
No, I have never really “known a priest” personally, I am a recent college grad and moved 4-5x in my lifetime…So I don’t even know where to go. I have zero relationships with any priests in the area my husband and I just moved to either.
Confession is only 1x a week on Saturday’s in the area I live. I don’t even know how to approach a priest I don’t know with such a serious question… 😦
 
Besides speaking to priest (which you should do, even if just in confession behind a screen), I would HIGHLY recommend that you call Dr. Peter Kleponis

He is a Catholic therapist who specializes in Porn Addiction. Your husband needs professional help. When you have an addiction, it’s very hard to quit cold turkey. Also, keep in mind that I’m sure he’s extremely embarrassed of this, which is why it’s hard for him to talk to you about it.

Also, you need some help dealing with this. This has obviously hurt you, and rightfully so. So I would highly recommend giving him a call.


Also, assuming you found the porn on personal devices / computers (and not a work issued ones), I highly advise https://www.covenanteyes.com/

This app will help him.

Finally, please remember that porn addiction really is a true addiction, very much like drug addiction. So he very well might be really trying, but gives into his addiction from time to time. If he really wants to stop, please have patience with him.

God Bless
 
True2Live said:
I don’t even know what to do. I spoke with a sister/nun who questioned the validity of our marriage and said that it be urgent I speak to a priest.
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It is unfortunate that someone would plant this sort of seed of doubt, especially someone who may be perceived as authoritative even though I doubt she is actually that knowledgeable about church law on marriage.
True2Live said:
Do we still have a sacramental marriage if I never knew how severe this was of an issue, namely, being addicted to pornography and lying to me about it??
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No one here can tell you that based on a few paragraphs.

A). You are currently married. Therefore there is nothing to investigate. Nullity investigations happen only if reconciliation isn’t possible and a civil divorce is acquired.

B). You are getting into some very technical areas of consent when you throw out “I never would have married him …” statements.

C). He sins. We all sin. If everyone who had a sinning spouse left them, there would be no marriages. It’s a serious sin, and he should talk to his confessor, but you are not his confessor so keep that in mind.

Your next step would be to seek counseling for the two of you and look at accountability software such as covenant eyes. He may need individual counseling as well as couples.
 
True2Live said:
I don’t even know how to approach a priest I don’t know with such a serious question… 😦
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Call your local parish and schedule an appointment with your pastor or another priest or deacon at the parish and indicate you need one on one spiritual advice and counseling.
 
Thank you for your reply!
I understand we are married, and even when the question of doubt arises (as almost every couple encounters throughout the rough times) we are STILL married. Within that, I will continue to respect and follow the vows I made to my husband and God.
I also understand we all sin, but the question still stands, generally speaking, if someone struggled with a severe addiction, such as porn, and kept the severity of it from their spouse and lied to them about it, is it a grave enough of an issue where the validity is questionable?

One friend told me, no, porn is “not that big of a deal as in ALL men (some women too) struggle with addiction”
Whereas one other said that this is a major issue that could be detrimental to my husband and I’s marriage, especially if it is sacramental or not since porn is considered infidelity.

I will absolutely take this with me to the confessional no matter what…
 
True2Live said:
Thank you for your reply!
I understand we are married, and even when the question of doubt arises (as almost every couple encounters throughout the rough times) we are STILL married. Within that, I will continue to respect and follow the vows I made to my husband and God.
I also understand we all sin, but the question still stands, generally speaking, if someone struggled with a severe addiction, such as porn, and kept the severity of it from their spouse and lied to them about it, is it a grave enough of an issue where the validity is questionable?

One friend told me, no, porn is “not that big of a deal as in ALL men (some women too) struggle with addiction”
Whereas one other said that this is a major issue that could be detrimental to my husband and I’s marriage, especially if it is sacramental or not since porn is considered infidelity.

I will absolutely take this with me to the confessional no matter what…
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Look, don’t let anybody tell you it’s no big deal. It is. But it’s not uncommon. Part of the way you can tell it’s a big deal is how common it is. So treat this with the gravity it deserves, but don’t for a second think it makes your husband an unusually bad person. It doesn’t.
 
My husband actually gave Dr. Peter a call the other day…He is insanely expensive if you do not have full coverage with insurance ($220) for 40 minutes or $180 for 30 minutes only 2x a month over the phone…
My husband needs much more frequent therapy. But I appreciate the reference, I know Matt Fradd has spoken highly of Dr. Kleponis! He’s an awesome guy!
We will continue to search for the best and most frequent/affordable options. Who knows, we might stick with him and get another counselor in the area.
As for me, I will definitely speak to a priest. Many times people over look the issues that arise from the husbands porn use/addiction.
Thank you so much for your response! God bless you!
 
True2Live said:
Thank you for your reply!
I understand we are married, and even when the question of doubt arises (as almost every couple encounters throughout the rough times) we are STILL married. Within that, I will continue to respect and follow the vows I made to my husband and God.
I also understand we all sin, but the question still stands, generally speaking, if someone struggled with a severe addiction, such as porn, and kept the severity of it from their spouse and lied to them about it, is it a grave enough of an issue where the validity is questionable?

One friend told me, no, porn is “not that big of a deal as in ALL men (some women too) struggle with addiction”
Whereas one other said that this is a major issue that could be detrimental to my husband and I’s marriage, especially if it is sacramental or not since porn is considered infidelity.

I will absolutely take this with me to the confessional no matter what…
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Hardly anyone who posts on these forums is trained to evaluate consent in these cases, and those who are will tell you that you need to speak with a priest personally because the forums user can’t give you the type of guidance in this area anonymously over the Internet.

I had a porn addiction myself for many years. It’s true that much of our western society does. And because of that, there is a gut reaction I have that it’s “no big deal.” On the other hand, I understand intellectually how wrong and flippant that old reaction is. It is a big deal. I’m speaking personally, now, not about the consent of your marriage. I’m not sure I should keep writing. There’s a fine line I’d like to draw, about being understanding and such, but I don’t know if I’m capable of writing about it right now. Really, what you need is to speak to a priest or spiritual director personally, and perhaps consider counseling with your husband. There are very many factors.
 
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Thank you…It is especially hard for me not to look down upon him because of this…looking back at all of the blatant lies make it even more difficult (no wonder Jesus tells us to forgive, it’s not that easy…ugh). Again, thanks, I will be sure to be open and lay it out there with a priest.
God bless!
 
I guess my overly-analytical mind assumes that putting a question out there, one that has very few resources (online especially) about what DOES and what DOESN’T make a marriage “sacramental” or not would be easy to answer.
I know there are the four pillars of marriage, almost as being the four legs of a stool.
Which still brings me back to my original question:
If someone kept the seriousness of an addiction from their spouse, with that just being put onto the table, is it considered sacramental?
Initially if I stumbled upon that, I would have to force my black and white thinking to turn grey, as this is a difficult question to answer in such a “yes” or “no” fashion, So I understand and agree with what you’re saying.
To the confessional it is!!
 
True2Live said:
if someone struggled with a severe addiction, such as porn, and kept the severity of it from their spouse and lied to them about it, is it a grave enough of an issue where the validity is questionable?
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IMHO, in general no.

There are some concepts around consent that involve determination of the will. As i mentioned, these have some specific meanings within the canons on marriage. It’s a high bar.
True2Live said:
One friend told me, no, porn is “not that big of a deal as in ALL men (some women too) struggle with addiction”
Whereas one other said that this is a major issue that could be detrimental to my husband and I’s marriage, especially if it is sacramental or not since porn is considered infidelity.
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People say “porn is infidelity” but there is no teaching of the Church that porn and adultery are the same thing. They are not. They are both sins against the sixth commandment, but they are different sins. Adultery is a sin against marriage. Pornography is a sin against chastity.

I think people are filling your head with a bunch of their own opinions and making it sound like church teaching when it isn’t-- regarding porn being infidelity and porn addiction making a marriage invalid, and calling you to question the sacramentality of your marriage.
True2Live said:
I will absolutely take this with me to the confessional no matter what…
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Confession is for your own sins, not those of your husband. This is more appropriately talked about through an appointment for spiritual counseling.
 
True2Live said:
If someone kept the seriousness of an addiction from their spouse, with that just being put onto the table, is it considered sacramental?
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You are tossing out words like “full blown addict”. Back when you were dating, he “sometimes” looked at porn. You’ve been married 18 months, and for 12 of those he’s looked at porn more frequently, weekly it seems. So, some thoughts:

A) We are not psychologists and not qualified to diagnose him as an addict, and neither are you.

B) He did not lie to you, or downplay it, or hide anything. He told you the truth that he struggled with porn. He likely did not keep the seriousness from you as he explained it as he saw things. You heard what you heard, which is often filtered through our own experiences and desires. So, he may have said it and you may have heard it and each walked away with a different understanding.

C) Again, these are sins like any other and he should take them to his confessor, but it is not really healthy for you to demand to act as a confessor for your husband. You have stated very strong terms like repulsed, disgusted, etc., and this is not healthy for either of you.

D) I seriously doubt that this rises to the level of grounds for a decree of nullity. And moreover, you should not be focused on that at all, but rather on a way forward in your marriage.
 
This is very sad, I struggled with these impurity sins for years daily so I know how compulsive and addictive they can be. It truly is destructive to the person doing them but also the other person in the relationship. I will be saying prayers for both of you, please, don’t take his porn addiction as your fault or as you being “not good enough”. You are good enough, and you deserve better.

Addiction is an illness, I would go right up to whatever priest you go to mass with now. I get you are new there but aren’t you going to be a parishioner soon? Even if not, go up to the priest and tell him
 
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