Unknown Addiction Still Considered Sacramental Marriage?

  • Thread starter Thread starter True2Live
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
You need to make an appointment with a priest to talk about this, not talk to him during confession.

Call your parish office. Make an appointment to speak about a personal matter.

No one here can solve this for you or answer your question. Ask your priest. I know it won’t be easy, but it needs to be done.

I am wondering what you are looking for though. Are you thinking you will divorce your husband? That seems a bit rash. Why not try counseling first? Alone to begin with, and then together.
 
@True2Live are you looking for resources on how you can divorce him/if you qualify for an annulment?

In essence, have you decided this marriage is not what you signed up? That is very understandable if that is your thinking. Addictions like these should be said ahead of time IMO, and if you have struggled in the past I think it should be mentioned because most people can’t quit cold-turkey, it takes multiple relapses to finally quit
 
True2Live said:
2x a month over the phone…
My husband needs much more frequent therapy
Click to expand...
FYI - twice a month is really all he needs, if that’s what the therapist says. I know I suffered from porn addiction, and you really don’t need more than that. People who need to see someone more often are usually a danger to themselves or to someone else.

What he would need is an accountability partner for daily life. And with Covenant Eyes, his accountability partner would be emailed right away when he views porn online.

BTW - once an addict, always an addict. It’s just whether it’s under control or not.
 
Last edited:
Irishmom2 said:
I am wondering what you are looking for though. Are you thinking you will divorce your husband? That seems a bit rash. Why not try counseling first? Alone to begin with, and then together.
Click to expand...
This is exactly what I’m thinking. Is this a question about divorce and annulments or how to fix this marriage?
 
Resources for you @True2Live:

www.covenanteyes.com

Screen Accountability™ | Covenant Eyes

What people do online impacts their lives offline. Protect yourself and family with Covenant Eyes Screen Accountability.
www.covenanteyes.com www.covenanteyes.com

Get covenant eyes and tell him to read and look up Matt Fradd, the best Catholic speaker in the world on pornography and masturbation.

Here is his world renown podcast:


Three of his talks on YouTube, very good and funny:




Two of his most famous books:

www.barnesandnoble.com

Delivered - True Stories of Men and Women Who Turned from Porn to Purity|eBook

Deliverance from pornography is possible—and these true stories prove it. The pious man whose fairytale marriage was almost destroyed by his fierce addiction… The young woman who escaped a broken and abusive childhood only to become ensnared in porn’s seamy...
www.barnesandnoble.com www.barnesandnoble.com

www.barnesandnoble.com

The Porn Myth: Exposing the Reality Behind the Fantasy of Pornography|Paperback

The Porn Myth is a non- religious response to the commonly held belief that pornography is a harmless or even beneficial pastime. Author Matt Fradd draws on the experience of porn performers and users, and the expertise of neurologists, sociologists, and psychologists to demonstrate that...
www.barnesandnoble.com www.barnesandnoble.com

Your husband can’t just sit back anymore and hope his addiction goes away. He needs to make an active effort. These resources should help him.

God Bless,

Matt
 
Last edited:
Thank you for your courage and “yes” to fighting this silent battle…I will try to see if the priest I go to for mass has some time available to discuss this all with me…Also, thank you for addressing the issues the other partner faces along with the awesome videos/resources. It’s hard not to make this whole thing personal. Regardless, Jesus heals! So thank you again, and God bless you!
 
Last edited:
I think there is a misunderstanding.
My husband did lie, he said he had been clear of ANY porn. inappropriate touching, etc since we got married. That was false. Also, when we were engaged, when I first confronted him, he told me he struggled with it, but “wasn’t that bad” and was “rare”…which was actually 4x-5x a month before we got married, and all during our first year of marriage.
I also told him I would not marry him if he continued watching porn…which finding out 2 days ago, he came “clean” and told me he lied to me so then “he wouldn’t lose me” and break the engagement off.
He intentionally lied to me so then I wouldn’t break up with him…so Lying to someone so then they wouldn’t cancel a wedding doesn’t seem like downplaying to me.

There is much more history, etc. that I understand cannot be answered here. I was just asking a general question, which clearly has many facets and details up in the air that I will certainly take to a priest.
Porn is a serious issue that should not be taken lightly, just like any other form of addiction.
 
Last edited:
No!! I am not looking to divorce him! That is a last resort option for sure!! I am just trying to see if my marriage is right before the eyes of God, for peace of mind for both my husband and I.
 
Also! Sorry, did not see your other questions. Yes, he is a Catholic, converted a couple years ago. He understands it is wrong, but his evangelical, luke-warm “masturbation can technically be healthy” background…it was somewhat of an adjustment to know how grave of a sin Catholicism teaches regarding pornography, masturbation, etc.

As for divorcing, no, I do NOT NOT NOTTT want to divorce my husband. That is a last resort if multiple priests, and other people who understand the annulment process tell me otherwise. I want to have peace of mind just making sure I have a pure marriage in the eyes of God.
 
I think it might help him to read up on Theology of the Body (Christopher West breaks it down well) so that he understands just how bad these sins are. There are zero redemptive or benefical aspects of impurity sins. They distort reality, emasculate, and degrade, dehumanize, and objectify women.

Most people in these videos are trafficked. When we can see the humanity on the other side of the screen, this person being someone’s daughter, sister, wife, mother… we see a lot more value in them and are less likely to objectify them
 
It is odd, he would say this as well, but he lacks the “fear of God” if that’s the right way to put it. He knows it’s wrong, but disregards any of those reasons you listed. He knows that’s a daughter of God, but looks past it. He knows it’s degrading and objectifying, but continues on. Even the sex trafficking information, he is just so desensitized when feelings and impulses take control. It’s an obsession he can’t get over when the temptation calls. With that being said, I will absolutely order Christopher Wests editing of the book. Thanks!!!
 
Also check out this West book, if you don’t have it, you will want it. And it should help him as well as you in your marriage. It’s a Q & A book:


Sounds like your husband might need therapy. But if he actually wants to change, I mean actually wants to, he can take two easy simple steps starting today.
  1. Cold showers
  2. Give up a food or drink he likes
Cold showers are not enjoyable but if we force ourselves to endure them when we are so tempted to just put the hot water on, it builds endurance and self-control. We regain mastery over ourselves and we won’t fall to every temptation so easy.

Let’s say he likes soda. If he can’t deny himself a Pepsi when he wants one badly, how can he deny himself porn or masturbation? He needs to deny himself some healthy pleasure so that he can better deny himself unhealthy pleasures.

podcasts.apple.com

87: Does your boyfriend watch porn? Here's what to do.

Podcast Episode · Among The Lilies · January 22, 2019 · 1h 3m
podcasts.apple.com podcasts.apple.com

podcasts.apple.com

‎Love People Use Things: 36: 10 Questions for those wanting to quit porn on Apple Podcasts

‎Show Love People Use Things, Ep 36: 10 Questions for those wanting to quit porn - Aug 5, 2018
podcasts.apple.com

podcasts.apple.com

27: Let's talk about masturbation! :)

Podcast Episode · Love People Use Things · June 4, 2018 · 28m
podcasts.apple.com podcasts.apple.com

The first link is Matt Fradd’s wife Cameron who has a weekly podcast for women. Last week she talked about (with Matt on the show) what to if your BF uses porn. This week when it comes out it’s about husbands using porn. It would be a helpful listen for you for both in my opinion. Your husband should listen to all these especially.

Remember, you said yourself your husband knows it’s wrong but compulsively can’t stop himself. This shows it is an addiction. It has nothing to do with you being inadequate or anything. It has to do with the culture of death having porn at just a click a way 24/7
 
Last edited:
When your husband said he wasn’t looking at porn very often and you found out it was 4x a month it reminds me of a Woody Allen movie

#1 Therapist to woman: How often are you having sex?

Woman: Oh, all the time, 2-3 times a week.

#2 Therapist to man: How often are you having sex?

Men: Hardly ever, 2-3 times a week.

My point is, yes looking at pornography is wrong. However he may be seriously struggling and be perceiving himself as doing well for only using 4x a month. While from a wife’s perspective any porn is too much.
 
Last edited:
That actually made me smile, and also added a much needed new perspective. Never thought of it that way, so thank you!
 
As a wife who lives with a husband who had (has?) a porn addiction, it is more than possible to get past this but you will need to pray daily to have the strength to do it because it is really hard. This is where you have to put your money where your mouth is on the “better or worse” part. It is very challenging to do, but also it is possible to work through this and find a place of peace for yourself and for him. A few tips:
  1. Use covenant eyes or wire your router to prevent those types of images from coming into the house altogether as only the electronic devices you know about will have Covenant Eyes.
  2. Understand that an addiction is not something that the addicted person always WANTS to have. If your husband cried and is willing to take steps to change his patterns, then this is the most you can ask for. You also are bound as his wife to help him in his failings to the extent he will allow you to.
  3. Addiction recovery is a process and there will be stumbles. An addiction happens 60 seconds a minute, 60 minutes an hour and 24 hours a day. It does not sleep, take a break or go on vacation. If he resists for 10,080 minutes to be free of porn for a week and then falls, does that one instance mean he hasn’t been trying? You will need counseling yourself to be able to be supportive and firm without punishing him if he relapses (you will want to punish him, believe me, but it’s not advisable). You will also need your own counseling to recover from the shock, betrayal, hurt and disgust. It will take time.
  4. Just because you think you have grounds for anullment because he kept the severity of this issue from you doesn’t mean a. your marriage is invalid b. it is “okay” to leave the marriage and avoid all the hard work because you have a “loophole”. You made a promise and you cannot leave because it gets hard.
    This advice is harsh…it was given to me and I didn’t like it. Not one bit. We are bombarded by secular culture and the media that our marriages will be perfect and the first time we feel hurt or betrayed, it is our duty as self-respecting women to walk out. This is not so. It is our duty to get our husband to Heaven.
    We leave the marriage only in the case of direct and continued verbal, emotional, sexual or physical abuse of ourself or our children. It’s hard, I know. It’s very hard. But remember, he’s also trying to get YOU to Heaven… I know that no fault you have will seem as big to you as the betrayal of trust and vows that pornography addiction has pushed your husband to commit. But try not to get into a “but he’s so much more a sinner than I am” mentality. It only leads to sin counting and pointing fingers and it sucks away at your ability to put on your battle gear and fight this thing. I speak from experience.
 
  1. Start to educate yourself about pornography addiction. You already have some excellent references. Use Catholic sources, find out about how pornography can actually change brain function and how difficult, but far from impossible, it is to work “against your brain” to overcome addiction.
  2. Find a support group online for yourself. This will be very valuable.
  3. Make sure your husband follows through with going to counseling…from what you say about the porn addiction plus “no sex” request sounds like he has a possibly disordered view of sexuality and it’s place in a marriage (which would make him like most of us…secular views of sexuality are VERY different from the Catholic view).
  4. Realize that this is not about you personally. This is an ADDICTION and so it would have happened if you were fatter/skinnier, blonde/brunette/red-headed, bigger chested or flatter-chested, taller/shorter or whatever other standard of beauty you are tempted to compare yourself to. This is about HIM and his inability to relate sexually to any woman in a mature and fully loving manner because of his addiction. There is not one part of this that is your fault. Just as he is not able to consider the humanity of the women he objectifies, so too he will find it difficult to consider your feelings or needs when he falls to temptation. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. It means he’s an addict.
  5. Time. Recovery takes time and diligence. It’s easy to think you have it beat and then fall when you let your guard down. In one way, you will always have it in the back of your mind. In another way, you will see, as you continue in your marriage, how much he DOES love you by the things he says and does. You will come to be able to realize that his pornography addiction has nothing to do with his love for you, as ridiculous as that sounds.
Best luck to you…truly. It is a hard road, but all marriage is a hard road. It is a putting down of self and picking up of Other for the love of God as well as for the love of the Other. Time, patience, accountability, counseling and developing objectivity. Pray for these daily, lean on Him and Our Mother and know that you are priceless in His eyes. Pax
 
True2Live said:
There is much more history, etc. that I understand cannot be answered here.
Click to expand...
Yes, it is very difficult to discuss something of this nature on an internet forum. This is definitely something to talk to your pastor about in counseling.
 
I don’t wish to undermine the seriousness of this issue in anyway. I have been married for almost 23 years. It is horrible how pervasive porn is now throughout our society.

I read in a secular newspaper a few years ago how a University in Canada wanted to study the effects of pornography but they were unable to find a control group of young men who had not been exposed to it! So sad.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top