Unloved sinner, faith dissipating

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Lenaghan

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Hello, friends,

I shall try to keep this as concise as possible - my faith journey has been made incredibly difficult in my life so far. In my adolescence, I lost a friendship that has affected me greatly to this day, as I suffer with a severe chronic depression that I receive medication and counselling for. Every day, I struggle with myself, my relationships, any sense of meaning, and I feel like I am constantly seeking a desire to be loved by something, or somebody, to no avail. This daily desolation has been impossible to unite with the idea of a benevolent God.

If I am honest, a lot of my unbelief is due to this emotional pain I go through, everyday. It is impossible to translate my own experiences in any sense that would capture the gravity of what I feel to another external person for just an instant. Again, for the sake of conciseness, I will try to be short - I am a person with a vast potential to love, care and be good towards, but given my condition, I very much depend on being loved in return, or at least positively nurtured in a positive direction. This is difficult (to put it mildly) in everyday life, but when I go to bed at night, I just do not feel the love of a God who is supposed to be the epitome of love. This is beyond distressing, and I am completely desolate.

In my confusion, I have dived into philosophy to seek answers that I am not entirely satisfied with through scripture, doctrine or traditional upbringing (I do not think it is wrong to ask “why”). After discovering and exploring the depths of epistemology, I came to the sad realisation of the total uncertainty of anything at all if one were to abandon God. I question my Catholic faith furiously (yet I will be the first to admit that I have great bias towards this), and have stopped my prayer, spiritual activities and even attending mass. All the while, I feel like a failure as a Child of God, and a filthy soul, despite my doubts, sadness and anger. I know that to the pious reading, I a crime worthy of a spittle in my general direction, but please read sympathetically, if not empathetically.

I was a novice Benedictine Oblate, and for a while I felt as if perhaps I had found some respite in the Order, but this has not continued. I shall probably opt out of the programme, as I do not feel I am appropriate or deserving of any kind of attempt. Yet, there is something of faith that I cannot abandon completely, as if it is always tugging at my sleeve from behind. Faith has not given me a desire to live, much less given me anything in the way of happiness, hope, or above all, love. I feel I am completely unloved, and fear that I am so far gone to the extent that if it were shown love, I would not recognise its face. I am apathetic, stagnant and forsaken, and I fear that when I die, I will not only validate these three, but be truly cast aside in what is to come. I do not want this, and wish to be a Saint and soldier of God, but I cannot do this given the state I am in, the dice in life I have been thrown, and the love that has eluded me for all of it.

I am not sure what I can ask of you. I am certain (with respect to your time and consideration) that the nature of a lot of possible answers may frustrate me, whether that is rational or irrational on my part. If you have read thus far, the least I could ask is if you could pray for my situation, and that God may finally move in it as to lift this darkness from me, or open my eyes in a direction I could never have foreseen. Please, pray for love, for me. I also ask if you were to reply, please do so carefully - I would rather this post remained the single OP with tens of meek prayerful eyes helping quietly in the background, than tens of physical replies that are harmful. Yet, do not be afraid to reply if you believe I need a spiritual smack.

This is, though seemingly ironic, the concise version of my heart - the entirety would require days of intense study. Please pity and pray for me - an unloved sinner.

Thanking you for you time, consideration and prayer,

Lenaghan
 
I’ll pray for you. Seek the love of Jesus and Mary in solitude and prayer, and don’t seek it from others. If people don’t show their love to you, please know that Jesus and Mary always love you and do show it: they show it by all the intense sufferings they went through for you and by all the graces and blessings they have sent you and continue to send you every day. God bless you.

And die to self. “For it is in giving that we now receive; it is in pardoning that we are now pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life” (From Prayer of St. Francis).
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.
 
Lenaghan said:
Hello, friends,

I shall try to keep this as concise as possible - my faith journey has been made incredibly difficult in my life so far. In my adolescence, I lost a friendship that has affected me greatly to this day, as I suffer with a severe chronic depression that I receive medication and counselling for. Every day, I struggle with myself, my relationships, any sense of meaning, and I feel like I am constantly seeking a desire to be loved by something, or somebody, to no avail. This daily desolation has been impossible to unite with the idea of a benevolent God.

If I am honest, a lot of my unbelief is due to this emotional pain I go through, everyday. It is impossible to translate my own experiences in any sense that would capture the gravity of what I feel to another external person for just an instant. Again, for the sake of conciseness, I will try to be short - I am a person with a vast potential to love, care and be good towards, but given my condition, I very much depend on being loved in return, or at least positively nurtured in a positive direction. This is difficult (to put it mildly) in everyday life, but when I go to bed at night, I just do not feel the love of a God who is supposed to be the epitome of love. This is beyond distressing, and I am completely desolate.

In my confusion, I have dived into philosophy to seek answers that I am not entirely satisfied with through scripture, doctrine or traditional upbringing (I do not think it is wrong to ask “why”). After discovering and exploring the depths of epistemology, I came to the sad realisation of the total uncertainty of anything at all if one were to abandon God. I question my Catholic faith furiously (yet I will be the first to admit that I have great bias towards this), and have stopped my prayer, spiritual activities and even attending mass. All the while, I feel like a failure as a Child of God, and a filthy soul, despite my doubts, sadness and anger. I know that to the pious reading, I a crime worthy of a spittle in my general direction, but please read sympathetically, if not empathetically.

I was a novice Benedictine Oblate, and for a while I felt as if perhaps I had found some respite in the Order, but this has not continued. I shall probably opt out of the programme, as I do not feel I am appropriate or deserving of any kind of attempt. Yet, there is something of faith that I cannot abandon completely, as if it is always tugging at my sleeve from behind. Faith has not given me a desire to live, much less given me anything in the way of happiness, hope, or above all, love. I feel I am completely unloved, and fear that I am so far gone to the extent that if it were shown love, I would not recognise its face. I am apathetic, stagnant and forsaken, and I fear that when I die, I will not only validate these three, but be truly cast aside in what is to come. I do not want this, and wish to be a Saint and soldier of God, but I cannot do this given the state I am in, the dice in life I have been thrown, and the love that has eluded me for all of it.

I am not sure what I can ask of you. I am certain (with respect to your time and consideration) that the nature of a lot of possible answers may frustrate me, whether that is rational or irrational on my part. If you have read thus far, the least I could ask is if you could pray for my situation, and that God may finally move in it as to lift this darkness from me, or open my eyes in a direction I could never have foreseen. Please, pray for love, for me. I also ask if you were to reply, please do so carefully - I would rather this post remained the single OP with tens of meek prayerful eyes helping quietly in the background, than tens of physical replies that are harmful. Yet, do not be afraid to reply if you believe I need a spiritual smack.

This is, though seemingly ironic, the concise version of my heart - the entirety would require days of intense study. Please pity and pray for me - an unloved sinner.

Thanking you for you time, consideration and prayer,

Lenaghan
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First off, realize you are never alone: God stands with you always and His Love is perfect and boundless. Serve Him faithfully and fully and feel the strength of the Holy Spirit flow through you as you do His Works.

Realize that Jesus died for us out of perfect love. He was willing to give everything He had for us. Did He ask us to love Him in return? If so, there are many who haven’t returned His perfect love so don’t feel depressed when people around you don’t return your affection. God loves you and that’s enough.

People who are called to God’s service are particular targets of the evil one so don’t be so hasty to stop your prayers. If you felt God’s calling, there’s a good chance you are also under demonic attack. Pray, pray, pray! And we’ll pray for you as well.

I have also traveled a path away from God and can tell you first hand it’s not a course I would recommend. Do not stray too far from God no matter how low you may feel. In your depths of sadness and loneliness, God is always there and He will always take you back and comfort you. God Bless you.
 
we all have times of darkness w our faith. God says.“Take up your cross and follow me”
I will not compare my crosses to yours. Yours make your cross heavy enough for you.
We are privileged to carry His cross. When I thank Him for me these down and say them over and over again. “Be still and know that I am God.” Lie on your bed and picture His angels around your bed cooling you w their wings. Picture Jesus touching you and healing you from your doubts. You will know that you know that you know.“He who the son sets free is free indeed.” As Mary said to Gabriel said," Let it be done to me according to His will."
Love in Christs’ love
: Alice:getholy::signofcross::gopray2::bible1:
 
Continue with the oblate studies, even if you’re not ready for oblation yet. The formation period for oblation is not a fixed requirement, it’s a minimum for most circumstances. Even many monks take more than the prescribed period to make final profession.

Study the Rule in particular the bits about coming out of yourself and submission to God. You may want a good commented version of the Rule to help with this.

Most importantly don’t despair of God’s love. Despair is one of Satan’s most effective tricks to lead you astray.

Prayers sent.
 
They say it gets darker right before the Sun starts to come up. Look for the Sun, he will shine upon you. But the night will come again, then the moon.

That is the way of Love both between men and women and with God. We must stay committed and faithful, no matter what, not letting fear or desire to get into the way of putting the other first, and making their desires as more important.

They in turn, will put you first.

You are outrageously loved by God,

Never doubt it,

Blue Knight

youtube.com/watch?v=fayxh8Uqes0
 
I know I can’t solve many problems, but I’ve been told that I’m a good listener if you ever need someone to chat with.🙂
My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
 
Lenaghan said:
This daily desolation has been impossible to unite with the idea of a benevolent God.
Click to expand...
This may sound like heresy, but God is NOT benevolent. At least not in the way we tend to think of benevolence - daily happiness, warm fuzzy feelings, and everything going our way. God wants us to grow in our Christian lives and more often than not that means hardships of various kinds. I doubt that any martyr was feeling happy about his suffering and death. Fulfilled maybe, sure of heaven, but not happy.

Read about the Dark Night of the Soul. John of the Cross and Mother Teresa are 2 who come to mind who suffered from this. I do too, but I’m no saint - yet. 😉
 
I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you! Gosh! 😦

Mother Teresa used to say that of all the poverties, she honestly considered the feeling of being unloved to be even greater than that of being without food!

I’ve actually been without food, during my life, and I tend to agree. She is actually not exaggerating. I’ve felt without love, been poor, and being without love was one of the worst things, if not THE worst thing I’ve ever felt!

I’m struggling with my faith a lot, right now, myself, and some will NOT be the least sympathetic to that, meet that out with a lot of judgement, criticism, sarcasm, and more.
However, for anyone who has truly felt unloved, none of that is necessary or helpful. I personally think you’ve already been through more than enough, deserve a break, deserve some love, compassion, empathy!

“To thine own self be true” insofar as your vocation. If you are unhappy, or miserable, in something, it is, in my opinion, probably not for you.

If it isn´t, please don´t feel guilty about that, as if you “failed”. I once got an Associate’s degree in lab, finally figured out it just wasn´t for me. I applied all that to another degree. Although, it was disappointing to have to switch over to something else, I saw many other people had been through that, and it happens.

It’s not the end of the world. Surely, you have learned a lot from your experience, that you can take with you in whatever you end up doing.

Not everybody is cut out for religious life. I think that few are. Most are generally going to maybe marry, possibly have a family, and there´s absolutely nothing wrong with that. It’s not “wrong”, or “inferior”.

One will recognize one’s calling, because on some level, one will be happy in it, fulfilled.

I think we sometimes believe we should be writhing on the ground, feeling unworthy, thinking it’s humility. I don´t agree with that, not any more.

I think there needs to be a balance. We are not everything, the center of the universe, but neither are we nothing. We’re somewhere in between. I think that sometimes, we can think “humility” means putting ourselves down constantly.

As long as you view yourself as, more or less, nothing, unworthy of anything, it probably won´t help. You need to have some self esteem, love yourself, first.

A lot of us think it’s good to hate ourselves, and I don´t think it is.

As long as we hate ourselves, I don´t know if we really even can love.

What I’d say is that I’d hope you’d begin to try to love yourself. It’d be a good start by stopping the put downs. You wouldn´t put someone else down. So, don´t put yourself down. Number one.

Number two…if it even turns out you…God forbid… made a mistake…I want you to forgive yourself, the same as you would anyone else. Treat yourself like you treat others. If you forgive others, then forgive yourself.

Please don´t blame yourself. Blame isn´t helpful…that, and guilt. Regret, on occasion, can be helpful, but guilt, probably not. Regret helps us not do something again. Guilt, just won´t even let us move forward, learn from the experience and go on. No, guilt stops us dead in our tracks, unfortunately.

So, if you are carrying any guilt, small as it may be, let go of that, because it will only weigh you down. Nothing good can possibly come of it.

Love yourself, first. If you love yourself, you will try to make not only others happy but include yourself.

Okay…how are dressing? Are you dressing in depressing colors? If you are, why not change that? Do something that will make you feel better. You know how to make others feel better. What would make YOU feel better?

Sometimes, I listen to certain songs, and they help me feel happier, better, almost immediately.

I’ve sometimes had if I light a candle, the color, fragrance, light, makes me feel better.

I find certain movies help lift me up, make me laugh, make me feel better.

Certain people have that ability, as well. Sometimes, I have friends I can go to, who I can confide in to some degree, who I know will meet me with understanding and empathy, at least most of the time.

I find when I do artwork, it also makes me feel better, lifts me up to create something beautiful.

Often, just getting out of the house helps. Sometimes, there has been a place I go to, like a garden, a park, where nature can also make me feel better. Animals can also help me. Some people also like babies, children.

I want you to really consider this. What do YOU like?

Sometimes, I like to treatment to something…hot chocolate…a hot bath, SOMETHING!

For you…try to reconnect with yourself, figure out what that is for you.

If you are lonely, that’s like the emotional equivalent of hunger, or thirst. So…reach out for something social…volunteering, groups…something…preferably something upbeat, happy, not depressing…something where you not only give but can receive.

You could be burned out. We need a balance…to give AND receive. Go where you can also RECEIVE something…love, especially. Find a way.
 
Lenaghan - Ditching your prayer life or your clubs when you feel lonely and unhappy is not the way to feel happy. Don’t do anything drastic when your head and heart aren’t working well.

Since you say you feel desolate and don’t feel the presence of a loving God, have you considered that you might be “spiritually dry” right now? It doesn’t mix well with depression, but it is a normal thing that happens in most people’s prayer lives. It’s not bad (even though it’s annoying and painful), and it does strengthen your spiritual muscles. God is still there, but He’s just standing behind you, letting you pedal the bike by yourself for a while. He won’t let you crash and He’s really right there.

You might want to talk to a spiritual director, since there are lots of things this could be besides spiritual dryness.

I’m also going to say this seriously, since you don’t mention much in the way of friends and family.

Do you like animals? Are you living somewhere that you can have a pet? Or can you visit anybody who has affectionate pets?

Do you have any seriously huggy friends or acquaintances? You might really want to hang out with that sort of person for a while.

Bonnie - “benevolent” means “wills what is good.” Of course God wills what is good for us! It might not be all rainbow puppies and it might be more like spinach, but it’s what good for us now and will help us enjoy eternal happiness later.
 
I had been quite depressed.

One of the suggestions a friend made was that I needed to change my image.

She told me when she was once depressed that she wouldn´t…wear makeup, or dress up, or anything.

I saw her point. When I’m depressed, you can sort of almost tell just by the way I dress and carry myself.

So…I saw she had a point, and I did like a kind of makeover on myself, surprising everybody. I got 2 new dresses, that were really nice, upbeat, not depressing.

Also, I got a little jewelry, wore makeup, wore different shoes.

Do you know I hadn´t changed much, but people started also treating me totally differently. I had a guy, the other day, compliment me on my eyes. Another, blew me a kiss and said I’m “chula” (gorgeous).

Mind you…I’m 50 y.o. old, in a wheelchair!

So…sometimes, people don´t want to be with us, when we are obviously depressed. It’s easier for them to want to be with us when we’re happy, because it’s contagious (as is depression).

I also…got my hair cut.

When I got done all that, WOW! My boyfriend saw this transformation and was REALLY happy! lol

A lot of times, when we’re depressed, we withdraw. My friend said I was withdrawing into my shell…just like a snail!

Don´t let that happen to you! Break out!

Go with some friends, family. If you don´t have any friends,…then, it’s high time to make some!

;)👍
 
Personally, I believe depression can make prayer quite difficult. I think that many people who come on the forum, complaining they “can´t pray” are probably depressed. Just my opinion.
 
Some suggest that when we think we feel lonely, it isn´t always just that. Sometimes, in addition to not being with people, we stop doing what we love.

I lived alone for a lot of years, and I didn´t used to do as much by myself. Later, I learned how to do EVERYTHING by myself. I can…go to the movies by myself, out to dinner, to the fair, almost anywhere, by myself.

It’s taken me even longer to learn how to do things by myself and enjoy that.

Happiness actually seems to come from being with others, but that’s not the source. It comes from within. One can feel happy even when being alone just the same as one can be with others, be unhappy.

I was married before, and one can even be married, be quite unhappy. In fact, it actually surprised me, greatly, to see how many people ENVIED me.

I thought, “You envy, ME? WHY?!”

More than one person has admitted to me that they actually envy me, my freedom to do whatever I want (without having to consult or have the approval of anybody).

Yet…I admit, deep down, I felt I would have gladly traded my freedom for love.
 
God bless you! I wonder how many of us haven’t prayed for love. My journey and circumstances were different than yours, but there was a time of desolation in my life, too. I prayed for love, and the answer that I was given was that a lack of love wasn’t the problem–it was a lack of gratitude. I became aware that I had been concentrating on the ugliness in the world, and so I resolved to pray for gratitude and to try to perceive the beauty that was in my life. As I began to appreciate the beauty in the “little things”–a flower, a tree, the stars, a good cup of coffee–I began to see God’s love all around me. His love was in those little things, those little gifts that surrounded me everywhere I went and everywhere I looked. They were so insignificant to me before.
The world can be ugly, and lonely, and terrible, but He loves you. I don’t know your circumstances, but I just wanted to share a little experience that helped me to find His love. In any event, I will pray for you.
 
I prayed for love for years and years. On my birthday, my wish would always be to have someone to love who would also love me.

Finally, and this is quite new for me…I haven´t prayed that prayer for sometime, because I’ve been too busy thanking God for my boyfriend. 😉

When I do pray, I do that. I thank God for him. It’s taken a long time, though (I’m 50!). 😃
 
I can understand that you want some answers but at the same time are fearful of hearing them. That is what I feel also…the desire to help you because you need help so bad and I am your brother, and yet I too am fearful of saying the wrong thing that might make you sad.

So I will say that I am very sorry for what you are going thru at this time, for the deep pain it has caused you. And if there were anything I could say that would ease that pain I would do so. But I will remember you in my prayers, that you receive the grace to bear it, to find the right answers.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
Hey Lenaghan,

Since I’m on a road trip and don’t have much to do anyway, I’ll dedicate the next hour to praying for you, your intentions, and your greater realization of God’s love for you, adding to those of your guardian angel, patron saint, saint Mary, saint Dymphna, all the saints, and the many religious on Earth who already pray for those suffering from depression. 😃

It would be an understatement that you say you feel unloved.
You’ve probably heard this before, and it may seem a little out of the blue, but know that as spiritually animated, physical beings, we know and love others through our bodies. In other words, on Earth, the way we show and receive intimate love for others is with our bodies. Good friends hug, parents cradle their children, lovers hold hand and kiss, and the ultimate act of intimate and self-sacrificing love is the marital union. You know that our relationships on earth are meant to relflect a perfect relationship with God. But how do we show our love for God, and more importantly, how does he show his love for us, if he has no earthly body? Yes, Jesus humbled himself and came down to Earth, but that was 2000 years ago.

Well while he was here, he also said that unless we eat his flesh and drink his blood, we have no life within us, and at the last supper, he gave these to us in a new and eternal covenant of love.

The unending self-sacrifice of the mass is the way God perfectly physically expresses his love for his true love, the one he wants to spend the rest of eternity with, you. He doesn’t judge you at all for your sinfulness and emptiness. He only dislikes these things because they keep you from being with him. You say your depression and emptiness is worse than you could ever make anyone understand, but with all his heart, God wants you and loves you in spite of these things, so much that’s it’s scary.

So here’s my advice: realize that your emotions are fallible by your fallen nature, and it matters so little that you feel unloved. You are surrounded by armies of saints and angels, all passionately praying out of love for you to a God that loves you perfectly. He sacrifices his whole infinite self for you, so that as you consume him in communion, he can consume you. We call our time on Earth an exile in the Salve Regina because we can catch only glimpses and reflections of this love. God hides his true self in the Eucharist, just as he hid his true self in the man of Jesus 2000 years ago, so that we may be led out of our earthly sin and emptiness–from mediocrity to greatness.
My advice is: don’t ask God to love you; that’s just what he’s asking you. He’s waiting with open arms in your parish’s confessional. Go to confession frequently. Go to adoration frequently, not so much so you can adore God, but so he can adore you, to help you overcome depression. And above all, receive the Eucharist frequently; it’s the only and perfect way you and God can express your love physically for each other.

I’ll be praying for you,

Greg
 
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