Unmarried people living together

[browneyes106]

My older sister has been living with her boyfriend for the past 10 years. They have a son that will be five in March. This situation really bothers me for different reasons. My sister does want to be married but she keeps hoping that her bf will propose to her a with a ring and stuff. I don’t think he cares enough about her to marry her. Her bf comes from a very bad family life and he basicallly treats a lot of people terribly and he tries to always justifiy his actions. He is always quitting jobs and he and my sister still live in a one bedroom apartment with their son. I really don’t like him at all. I do feel sorry for my sister because she is often struggling financially to support her son. Please give your thoughts on this subject.

 

[iluvmybabies]

My older sister has been living with her boyfriend for the past 10 years. They have a son that will be five in March. This situation really bothers me for different reasons. My sister does want to be married but she keeps hoping that her bf will propose to her a with a ring and stuff. I don’t think he cares enough about her to marry her. Her bf comes from a very bad family life and he basicallly treats a lot of people terribly and he tries to always justifiy his actions. He is always quitting jobs and he and my sister still live in a one bedroom apartment with their son. I really don’t like him at all. I do feel sorry for my sister because she is often struggling financially to support her son. Please give your thoughts on this subject.

I understand your concern for your sister. I was in a similar situation but with my exhusband then husband. We never got married through the church he said it was not necessary and he too came from a bad family, very broken, had little knowledge of Catholic values etc, and it was very frustrating that I thought I could “help save” this man and he could do the same for me! Yeah I know lame…He never had a steady job, always quit every single one of them… Now he’s keeping jobs for longer than 7 months!! YAY FOR HIS NEW FIANCE!!! Oh well…

The only thing I can offer you is prayer-May GOD enlighten your sister and may guide her to the correct path in her life.

God bless…Take care and just keep in touch with her let her know you are there for her and that you have a lot of love to give to her and her baby, and try to communicate with the Bible and hopefully one of those wonderful words of God will stick to her and she will move on to better pastures! Take care.

 

[noclevername]

For the life of me, I cannot understand this kind of relationship. I truly can’t at all. I mean they have lived together for 10 years and they have a child together. That’s more of a commitment than some married couples. I hear about this all the time. Why won’t they get married and start living a moral life? I understand that he’s not a good guy but your sister obviously sees something in him. She either needs to kick him to the curb or get married. I will never understand these kinds of relationships as long as I live. In my day, the order of things was married, THEN live together, THEN have kids, etc. Not the other way around. I am divorced and I am 37 years old. I am dating a wonderful man. But I have never in my life lived with a man who I was not married to or related to and I never will.

 

[browneyes106]

I understand your concern for your sister. I was in a similar situation but with my exhusband then husband. We never got married through the church he said it was not necessary and he too came from a bad family, very broken, had little knowledge of Catholic values etc, and it was very frustrating that I thought I could “help save” this man and he could do the same for me! Yeah I know lame…He never had a steady job, always quit every single one of them… Now he’s keeping jobs for longer than 7 months!! YAY FOR HIS NEW FIANCE!!! Oh well…

The only thing I can offer you is prayer-May GOD enlighten your sister and may guide her to the correct path in her life.

God bless…Take care and just keep in touch with her let her know you are there for her and that you have a lot of love to give to her and her baby, and try to communicate with the Bible and hopefully one of those wonderful words of God will stick to her and she will move on to better pastures! Take care.

I think my sister tries to do the same with her bf. She met him at a community college she attended during a break from a four year university. At the time he had just been discharged from the Marines. I guess at the time he seemed like an okay guy but over time he just kept starting and quitting jobs. He worked at the same hotel my sister did for about a year. This was back in 2001. Since then he has worked at other hotel chains, delivering pizzas, working at a musuem and his current job is working a power tools shipping warehouse. He clearly has no interests in getting an education or trade. A few of my relatives have even tried to help him get better paying jobs. My cousin’s husband works for UPS and he got him an interview and my sister’s bf didn’t go.My sister’s bf was raised mainly by his grandparents but it seems they didn’t discpline him or his siblings or taught them values. His grandmother is a gambling addict who goes to casinos almost nightly to play bingo. My sister’s bf takes advantage of my parents a lot and my parents are starting to get tired of it. My sister doesn’t make much money in the job she works so often she is always asking my parents for money because one of her vehicles is always breaking down or she needs money to buy her son things. My sister attends a mass a couple of times a month and she had her son baptized in the Church. But I sort of see her slipping away. I do pray that she and her boyfriend will get on the right path. I really can’t stand him but he hopes he changes to give my nephew a better life.

For the life of me, I cannot understand this kind of relationship. I truly can’t at all. I mean they have lived together for 10 years and they have a child together. That’s more of a commitment than some married couples. I hear about this all the time. Why won’t they get married and start living a moral life? I understand that he’s not a good guy but your sister obviously sees something in him. She either needs to kick him to the curb or get married. I will never understand these kinds of relationships as long as I live. In my day, the order of things was married, THEN live together, THEN have kids, etc. Not the other way around. I am divorced and I am 37 years old. I am dating a wonderful man. But I have never in my life lived with a man who I was not married to or related to and I never will.

I agree I can’t understand it either. In a way I guess you can say there is committment. But my sister’s bf often doesn’t put her and her son first. There have been several times he has gone a drinking binges with his sister and brother. My sister has hinted to him several times that she wants to be married. My sister does see something in him but I don’t know what it is. He can be nice at times but most of the time he is arrogant and is always cutting people down. A couple of years ago one of my cousin’s got married and he spent the whole reception mocking my cousin and her husband. I think maybe he doesn’t want to marry my sister because he would have more responsbilites.

 

[Simon_X]

You know Browneyes, I agree and feel for you. This must be very painful to watch. Really the best you can do is be there for your sister and nephew. It’s really up to her to either tell her BF she wants marriage or she will split or continue along the same track. I am thinking that the BF sees this as a pretty easy deal, no commitment of marriage and yet he still has your sister there.

Keep praying and stay in her life. Will also pray for your sister and her child…

ps…I don’t understand the whole living together and not being married thing either. I must be a dinosaur…

 

[RykerJ]

**I have to be honest as I have lived with someone before marriage. I think it was my youth speaking to me about my freedom. It was 2 years about.I would never do this again or advise it but every sibling I have had done this against my parents wishes,makes it easy to just say it’s over, **

 

[Just_wondering]

I’ve never lived with a man, and I don’t understand it either. I can see it in some cases - the lease that runs out two months before the wedding, in the case of my brother and his wife - but living together long-term just doesn’t make sense to me. If you’re willing to live together, why not get married? Especially, if you’re willing to live together and have children together, what on earth is stopping you from getting married?

I have a cousin who did this. She moved in with her boyfriend as soon as she was able - as soon as her mother didn’t have the legal right to stop her. They announced their intention to get married, but then she became pregnant. They cancelled the wedding plans because she didn’t want to have a big belly on such an important occasion. Then they were too busy with the baby to have a wedding. Then they had another baby two years later, and still didn’t have the wedding. Then things were rocky because he wasn’t keeping any jobs, and so they didn’t want to get married when they weren’t happy. Then my cousin left him, and moved in with a different guy, apparently nicer than the first. No noises were made about marriage that I heard, but she just had a baby with him a few months ago.

I just want to shake her and ask her, what are you doing? Just get married! Give your kids a stable home. If you’re willing to have kids with someone, what on earth is stopping you from marrying him? You don’t need a big wedding with a big reception - a big backyard bonfire reception sounds more fun for the whole family anyway.

 

[browneyes106]

I’ve never lived with a man, and I don’t understand it either. I can see it in some cases - the lease that runs out two months before the wedding, in the case of my brother and his wife - but living together long-term just doesn’t make sense to me. If you’re willing to live together, why not get married? Especially, if you’re willing to live together and have children together, what on earth is stopping you from getting married?

I have a cousin who did this. She moved in with her boyfriend as soon as she was able - as soon as her mother didn’t have the legal right to stop her. They announced their intention to get married, but then she became pregnant. They cancelled the wedding plans because she didn’t want to have a big belly on such an important occasion. Then they were too busy with the baby to have a wedding. Then they had another baby two years later, and still didn’t have the wedding. Then things were rocky because he wasn’t keeping any jobs, and so they didn’t want to get married when they weren’t happy. Then my cousin left him, and moved in with a different guy, apparently nicer than the first. No noises were made about marriage that I heard, but she just had a baby with him a few months ago.

I just want to shake her and ask her, what are you doing? Just get married! Give your kids a stable home. If you’re willing to have kids with someone, what on earth is stopping you from marrying him? You don’t need a big wedding with a big reception - a big backyard bonfire reception sounds more fun for the whole family anyway.

I can understand the situation your brother and his wife were in. I have known other engaged couples who live together a few months to a year before the wedding. One of my friends is his third year of law school. He will finish in May and he will marry in July. Back in October me moved in with his fiancee so they save money, help pay for the wedding and pay off loans etc. He and his fiancee are Methodist and both their families were upset for awhile. My cousin lived with her fiancee for three months before they got married because he got transferred to another city as a state trooper. I agree with I can’t understand people living together long term. But at the time when my sister’s bf moved in he was sort of forced out of his grandparents’ home because they were remodeling some stuff in the house. He moved in with my sister and basically started taking advantage of her. My sister was still in college and had her tutition paid off completely through scholarships and grants. She only had to pay for living expenses and probably to her boyfriend it was the lottery. At the time he only worked part time at a shopping mall. He used my sister for her car and often my sister had to take a bus to work. My sister finished college a couple of years later. But for the past 10 years he has taken advantage of my family several times. He has never paid back my parents money. I also want to shake my sister and tell her to give her son a stable home.

 

[LongingForLight]

My sister and her then-boyfriend starting living together while she was pregnant. They didn’t get married until their daughter was 4 years old, and I think they did it for the right reasons (not agreeing with all their choices in this time, just their choice in postponing marriage).

In their case, the pregnancy was not planned. She was almost 19 when her daughter was born, more than half-way through college, and ambitious. Her bf, however, wasn’t showing that he had what it takes to raise a family and she wasn’t sure that she didn’t want to leave him if he didn’t shape up. Basically, she waited to marry him until she was sure that she believed that they were marrying out of a desire to commit to each other - and not out of a desire to commit to their daughter. During that time of discernment over the sacrament of marriage, they both grew in faith, and even started living chastely for a short period before their wedding. They continue to take marriage very seriously, and are an amazing couple and very inspiring.

Maybe your older sister has similar ambivalence - this is the father of her child, and she wants him in his child’s life. However, that may not mean that she wants to live with him “until death do us part”.

Another mentality is that a marriage is “just words” and that they are, in a way, MORE married because they stay together from choice and not from legal or religious bonds. Yes, we all know the flaws in this reasoning (like, if you give yourself that freedom to leave, then when things get rocky you are likely to use it - or your SO will), but it exists.

We also have friends who lived together for a decade because they wanted the whole family to be there for their wedding, but for whatever reason that never seemed likely at that particular time. They finally got married a year or so ago, after getting tired of waiting for just the right situation. It was pretty much just apathy about the state of being married - having family there for the big party was more important to them than living together as man and wife, and not bf and gf.

 

[Just_wondering]

We also have friends who lived together for a decade because they wanted the whole family to be there for their wedding, but for whatever reason that never seemed likely at that particular time. They finally got married a year or so ago, after getting tired of waiting for just the right situation. It was pretty much just apathy about the state of being married - having family there for the big party was more important to them than living together as man and wife, and not bf and gf.

I can understand the desire to have the whole family there, but to me, as much as I love and adore my family, and respect them and desire their blessings on my marriage, it’s just not worth it to me to delay the wedding for more than a few months to fit it into their schedule. In my case, since my parents run their own business which is pretty seasonal, I will ask them when the slowest months are, and we’ll try to fit the wedding into those months - but if it’s not possible to have the wedding at the best possible time for them, they’ll either need to rearrange their work schedule or miss the wedding. If it comes down to missing the wedding, I’m sure we’ll have a second reception later to make up for it.

I think you’re right that it’s a matter of priorities. My family is hugely important to me, but not as important as becoming my boyfriend’s wife before we live together. I love my family dearly, but I won’t become his live-in while I wait for them to find time to attend my wedding.

Besides, I flew halfway around the world to attend my brother’s wedding, and had to risk my job by asking permission to have unpaid leave against the terms of my contract. I also fit 36 hours of travel into a four-day vacation to get there, and MC’d the reception despite the jetlag. If I can do that for my family, I’d hope it wouldn’t be too much trouble for them to either attend our wedding whenever we arrange it to be, or to send their loving regrets and make arrangements to celebrate our wedding at another time.

Yeah, I’m kind of stubborn about this!

 

[iluvmybabies]

I think my sister tries to do the same with her bf. She met him at a community college she attended during a break from a four year university. At the time he had just been discharged from the Marines. I guess at the time he seemed like an okay guy but over time he just kept starting and quitting jobs. He worked at the same hotel my sister did for about a year. This was back in 2001. Since then he has worked at other hotel chains, delivering pizzas, working at a musuem and his current job is working a power tools shipping warehouse. He clearly has no interests in getting an education or trade. A few of my relatives have even tried to help him get better paying jobs. My cousin’s husband works for UPS and he got him an interview and my sister’s bf didn’t go.My sister’s bf was raised mainly by his grandparents but it seems they didn’t discpline him or his siblings or taught them values. His grandmother is a gambling addict who goes to casinos almost nightly to play bingo. My sister’s bf takes advantage of my parents a lot and my parents are starting to get tired of it. My sister doesn’t make much money in the job she works so often she is always asking my parents for money because one of her vehicles is always breaking down or she needs money to buy her son things. My sister attends a mass a couple of times a month and she had her son baptized in the Church. But I sort of see her slipping away. I do pray that she and her boyfriend will get on the right path. I really can’t stand him but he hopes he changes to give my nephew a better life.

I agree I can’t understand it either. In a way I guess you can say there is committment. But my sister’s bf often doesn’t put her and her son first. There have been several times he has gone a drinking binges with his sister and brother. My sister has hinted to him several times that she wants to be married. My sister does see something in him but I don’t know what it is. He can be nice at times but most of the time he is arrogant and is always cutting people down. A couple of years ago one of my cousin’s got married and he spent the whole reception mocking my cousin and her husband. I think maybe he doesn’t want to marry my sister because he would have more responsbilites.

Well see that’s the thing…Even though the commitment is there-he’s too comfortable to do anything for her… I was reading this up in a book one of my friend’s sent me. The author is a Christian man speaking about marriages and relationships-and how men after they feel they have “conquered their prey” or “caught the chase” then they stop trying and feel that marriage is not important-mostly those without Christian values. And it’s interesting how it is very true. I mean even for men with Christian values the ones I grew up around and with and associate myself with are very similar. They stop trying once they say “I do” or once they know they have the woman or once they feel that this woman belongs to them that’s it, they stop trying and feel as if the woman owes them something… It’s very interesting. Like my father for example-I mean once he was married to my mother that was it. No more romantic stuff at all. She told me that marriage was like that, that romance was for the weak minded… I was like “HUH?” BUT that’s how she was raised. Since the man is the leader in the house-“the boss” etc then she was raised to respect and honor him at all costs and his word was the law. He didn’t feel like treating her she said it was “fine” that he didn’t have to.

Same thing with my sister-once she got married for a while their love was like “blah” and now it’s raging better. I believe my mishap with my exhusband taught them a lesson about being too “comfortable with each other enough not to fight for their love.”

And it was the same with my exhusband.

Of course I chose the boot because it was too late. I was tired of begging him to love me and to marry me through the church.

And you must pray for your sister because obviously this man is too “comfortable” to want anything more committed with her. I mean the right path is marriage for any relationship-of course unles it’s an abusive relationship-then that is not the right path. BUT for everyone whom wants family etc and are Catholic or Christian, well marriage is the right way.

I do wish you, your family and sister lots of luck and GOD bless!

 

[browneyes106]

My sister and her then-boyfriend starting living together while she was pregnant. They didn’t get married until their daughter was 4 years old, and I think they did it for the right reasons (not agreeing with all their choices in this time, just their choice in postponing marriage).

In their case, the pregnancy was not planned. She was almost 19 when her daughter was born, more than half-way through college, and ambitious. Her bf, however, wasn’t showing that he had what it takes to raise a family and she wasn’t sure that she didn’t want to leave him if he didn’t shape up. Basically, she waited to marry him until she was sure that she believed that they were marrying out of a desire to commit to each other - and not out of a desire to commit to their daughter. During that time of discernment over the sacrament of marriage, they both grew in faith, and even started living chastely for a short period before their wedding. They continue to take marriage very seriously, and are an amazing couple and very inspiring.

Maybe your older sister has similar ambivalence - this is the father of her child, and she wants him in his child’s life. However, that may not mean that she wants to live with him “until death do us part”.

Another mentality is that a marriage is “just words” and that they are, in a way, MORE married because they stay together from choice and not from legal or religious bonds. Yes, we all know the flaws in this reasoning (like, if you give yourself that freedom to leave, then when things get rocky you are likely to use it - or your SO will), but it exists.

We also have friends who lived together for a decade because they wanted the whole family to be there for their wedding, but for whatever reason that never seemed likely at that particular time. They finally got married a year or so ago, after getting tired of waiting for just the right situation. It was pretty much just apathy about the state of being married - having family there for the big party was more important to them than living together as man and wife, and not bf and gf.

I agree my sister might only want to live with her bf because she wants him to be involved in her son’s life. But they lived together for five years before their son was born and stayed living together afterwards.

 

[browneyes106]

Well see that’s the thing…Even though the commitment is there-he’s too comfortable to do anything for her… I was reading this up in a book one of my friend’s sent me. The author is a Christian man speaking about marriages and relationships-and how men after they feel they have “conquered their prey” or “caught the chase” then they stop trying and feel that marriage is not important-mostly those without Christian values. And it’s interesting how it is very true. I mean even for men with Christian values the ones I grew up around and with and associate myself with are very similar. They stop trying once they say “I do” or once they know they have the woman or once they feel that this woman belongs to them that’s it, they stop trying and feel as if the woman owes them something… It’s very interesting. Like my father for example-I mean once he was married to my mother that was it. No more romantic stuff at all. She told me that marriage was like that, that romance was for the weak minded… I was like “HUH?” BUT that’s how she was raised. Since the man is the leader in the house-“the boss” etc then she was raised to respect and honor him at all costs and his word was the law. He didn’t feel like treating her she said it was “fine” that he didn’t have to.

Same thing with my sister-once she got married for a while their love was like “blah” and now it’s raging better. I believe my mishap with my exhusband taught them a lesson about being too “comfortable with each other enough not to fight for their love.”

And it was the same with my exhusband.

Of course I chose the boot because it was too late. I was tired of begging him to love me and to marry me through the church.

And you must pray for your sister because obviously this man is too “comfortable” to want anything more committed with her. I mean the right path is marriage for any relationship-of course unles it’s an abusive relationship-then that is not the right path. BUT for everyone whom wants family etc and are Catholic or Christian, well marriage is the right way.

I do wish you, your family and sister lots of luck and GOD bless!

I agree he’s too comfortable to do anything else for her. My sister is sort the bread winner in their home. They lived in a one bedroom apartment and don’t think they will ever own a home. My sister’s bf sort of seems to not have values. Like I mentioned in a previous post his grandparents were neglectful. But one thing that is sort of weird is that my sister’s bf really doesn’t have the romantic attitude with her. He doesn’t dance with her or treat her extremly well. He sort of uses her daily just for a few dollars and a place to live. I do pray for my sister but it seems like she is just expecting him to romantically propose to her with a ring someday. I honestly don’t see that happening.