Unmarried relationships and affection?

[CompSciGuy]

Hi,

I am wanting to get some outside opinions on the matter of affection in unmarried relationships. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a little over a month now; she is very affectionate, loves holding hands, snuggling/long hugs, sweet talk, etc. as long as it is innocent and doesn’t create any sexual temptation and we set limits. But I am wary about how affectionate we become with each other, especially so soon in the relationship. Do you think it is bad to be affectionate early in the relationship? Do you find kissing acceptable and if so when (or is this really up to the people involved and what they’re comfortable with)? Is it normal to want to spend a lot of time with each other at the beginning of a relationship? When do you think it is acceptable to say “I love you” and so on? Most of the dating advice of this nature that I have heard in the past comes from friends and family who are more of the fundamentalist protestant branch of Christianity who are very very strict about this. At the same time I know of Catholic couples who were very affectionate in the dating phase of their relationship and have now been happily married for a long time. My brother told me last night that he thinks that there should be nothing romantic whatsoever about the relationship until marriage (which seems kind of ridiculous). My girlfriend and I are both serious Catholics who care about doing the right thing and following Church teaching. I guess this is causing anxiety for me since I have heard so much advice from all over the board. All I want is a set of opinions that I can listen to.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s acceptable to say ‘I love you’ when you understand completely what it means and you actually mean it.

I have a really hard time taking couples seriously when they say it too early. ‘I love you’ means that you truly love and accept someone for who they are-completely. In the beginning of a relationship, everything is new and you are still hiding behind a persona that is meant to impress. Only once that facade fades can you really see someone for who they are at their best, their worst, under stress, in crisis, when things get hard, how they display love and loyalty to their friends and family, etc. All of those things are such big, important parts of who someone is and you have to really get to know a person before even seeing those sides, much less loving them.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

If affection is NOT there it would be a cause for concern. 2 people who are attracted to each other should desire affection. It’s not easy, particularly as the relationship moves forward.

 

[Beryllos]

Your relationship as you just described it sounds pretty good. Some people are more huggy and cuddly, and that can be a wonderful thing. I won’t advise you on how to proceed, because you and she have to figure out for yourselves when and if it is appropriate to kiss or say “I love you.” It’s best not to hurry. Seeing that you both are conscientious Catholics, I think you will do the right thing.

 

[pensmama87]

It can be hard to “dial it back,” but the great thing is, since you’re both Catholic, if you find that you are being too affectionate and your temptations are becoming stronger, you should be able to admit it and go back to doing less. This can be a lot harder in “mismatched” relationships, where this may be seen as a power play or a rejection, rather than an issue of maintaining appropriate respect and chastity.

 

[Beryllos]

Your OP was written mainly concerning affectionate behaviors, but would I be right to assume that the two of you have other shared interests and spend time together in a variety of situations and settings? This is essential, I think, to get to really know one another.