Unreasonable Father?

[lovedance4ever]

I’ve recently discovered an amazing opportunity to study in Siena, Italy through my university. It would be in the fall of 2013, and I’d be able to get financial aid to cover most of it. However, money is not the problem for my father.

I love my dad so much, but sometimes I think he is unreasonable. After speaking with my mom about it, he seemed okay with the idea. BUT today, I came back with information from the International Education office at my school, and he seemed kind of angry. I told him that I could look into going to another country, such as Australia. Well, that just made things worse, because he blew up at me and said, “I didn’t even like the whole study abroad thing in the first place!”

I guess I feel really bad. I would absolutely love to spend a semester in another country, but knowing that it is going to upset my father makes me feel too guilty to even pursue the issue. I’m almost nineteen years old; there is a part of me that feels restricted and that spending only 3 months away from home would not be a big deal. I guess I am kind of angry right now. I know he is most likely worried about all of the violence that goes on in the world today, and rightly so. But I do not want to live my whole life in fear of being the victim of a terrorist attack. I realize that we need to make wise decisions, but it is not like I am asking to study in Egypt. On top of it, my mother is for the whole idea. I know she is worried, as mothers tend to be, but she is more willing to let me go than he is.

Right now, he is very solemn, and will not speak to me very much.

And so I ask…am I being unreasonable for wanting to study abroad? OR is my father pulling back the reigns a little too much?

 

[prstoessel]

As a father to five children, I can certainly relate to you father’s reaction. I’d probably be the same way. I cannot speak for your father, but I can tell you that my reaction would be spurred from my own selfishness. If there is no practical, financial, logistical reason he cannot give you, then he likely is being selfish.

“Honor thy father and mother” gets kind of hard at this point, because you should not do this without their blessing, particularly if you are a dependent. You did not mention your age.

Ask your father to pray about it with you and trust the Holy Spirit to be the decision maker.

 

[lovedance4ever]

As a father to five children, I can certainly relate to you father’s reaction. I’d probably be the same way. I cannot speak for your father, but I can tell you that my reaction would be spurred from my own selfishness. If there is no practical, financial, logistical reason he cannot give you, then he likely is being selfish.

“Honor thy father and mother” gets kind of hard at this point, because you should not do this without their blessing, particularly if you are a dependent. You did not mention your age.

Ask your father to pray about it with you and trust the Holy Spirit to be the decision maker.

Thank you for your response. Studying abroad at my school is not as expensive as one would think, and so I do not think that is the problem at all (or at least he has not expressed it to me). I think it is just the idea of me going away for a long period of time in a world that’s less than perfect.

I am less than a month away from my 19th birthday.

And yes, praying about it with my parents is probably the best choice now. Perhaps it will give us all some peace and will ultimately lead to making the best decision.

 

[Actaeon]

I’ve recently discovered an amazing opportunity to study in Siena, Italy through my university. It would be in the fall of 2013, and I’d be able to get financial aid to cover most of it. However, money is not the problem for my father.

I love my dad so much, but sometimes I think he is unreasonable. After speaking with my mom about it, he seemed okay with the idea. BUT today, I came back with information from the International Education office at my school, and he seemed kind of angry. I told him that I could look into going to another country, such as Australia. Well, that just made things worse, because he blew up at me and said, “I didn’t even like the whole study abroad thing in the first place!”

I guess I feel really bad. I would absolutely love to spend a semester in another country, but knowing that it is going to upset my father makes me feel too guilty to even pursue the issue. I’m almost nineteen years old; there is a part of me that feels restricted and that spending only 3 months away from home would not be a big deal. I guess I am kind of angry right now. I know he is most likely worried about all of the violence that goes on in the world today, and rightly so. But I do not want to live my whole life in fear of being the victim of a terrorist attack. I realize that we need to make wise decisions, but it is not like I am asking to study in Egypt. On top of it, my mother is for the whole idea. I know she is worried, as mothers tend to be, but she is more willing to let me go than he is.

Right now, he is very solemn, and will not speak to me very much.

And so I ask…am I being unreasonable for wanting to study abroad? OR is my father pulling back the reigns a little too much?

One thing you have NOT told us, which is a rather critical piece here, is why exactly your father is opposed to your going? Knowing that will go a LONG way towards handling the situation.

I don’t want to talk down to you, but please understand that this is a learning moment in your development as a young adult: people generally have motivations beyond impulse for their behaviors. I can almost entirely guaruntee that you father didn’t decide to be restrictive about a study-abroad semester SIMPLY because he felt an impulse to be a jerk about it. There’s an underlying concern, which may or may not be a very valid one for a parent to hold. Knowing what that concern is will be about the only way you can successfully address it and get his blessing to go for the semester.

For example: is he concerned about your safety? Maybe you can offer that you and him spend some time looking up crime statistics for the area you’d be staying in, or researching materials from your school so that he KNOWS that you’ll be safe (and maybe you have to agree that if it appears unsafe you agree not to go).

Is he concerned about immorality that sometimes comes with study-abroad programs? Perhaps you have a long record of being a moral and obedient child, and can alleviate his fears by highlighting what behaviors you will exibit while overseas, or by highlighting the fact that this particular program is not known to be hosted in a “party house” (if that is true).

Is he concerned about your getting in trouble with local authorities in Italy? Maybe you want to gather some data from the school regarding their international studies agreement and what protection is afforded to their students while studying overseas.

The bottom line is this: you want to fix the issue, but you don’t know what the precise issue is at this moment. This is going to entail a great deal of maturity in calmly and respectfully approaching your father and resolutely asking to know exactly what about a study-abroad semester bothers him so much, then offering to research into that concern TOGETHER and arrive at a joint conclusion. In handling it in this manner, you’re more likely to resolve the situation on peaceful and equitable terms, and you’ll avoid all the anger issues that occur when people begin assuming that the only motivation of those who disagree with them is that they are simply being “repressive”.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Let me assure you that Siena is a lovely, safe, touristy town. I’ve been there several times. Listing violence abroad as a reason to hold you back is silly. The US is not exactly the safest place on earth. You can easily compare the US and Italy in terms of crime stats and then see how he defends that result.

Some people are just afraid of going abroad, plain and simple. As someone who started travelling from an early age, studied abroad and continues to live abroad, I can say that is such a wonderful experience. I don’t have advice on how to deal with your father, but perhaps asking your mother to help you and support you would help. I really hope you go to Siena for the semester.

 

[novelista]

I wish I’d had the guts to go abroad during college. There was no money for me to go, as well as parents who were strict and unwilling to let me spread my wings.

If the trip will be paid for, GO. You will regret it if you don’t. You definitely should pray on it, but you shouldn’t let your parents hold you back if you truly feel the trip is the path you should take.

18, almost 19 is a bit on the youngish side; could you postpone the study abroad trip for a year or two? Maybe your parents are just scared for your safety, due to things like the Natalee Holloway story.

Good luck!

 

[admonsta]

Australia’s pretty good too!

Do you have much time before you have to commit? Maybe your father just needs a bit of time to get used to the idea - it’s natural for him to worry about you.

 

[underacloud]

At 18 you are an adult. This becomes a difficult time with regard to the commandment to honour your parents and the responsibility to obey them is somewhat unclear.

The catechism says that when adult children lives at home they should continue to be obedient, yet even then it is a little vague when it says “CCC 2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family.”

So is it for your own good? I think a term abroad is a great opportunity and as others have addressed, the security concerns are not reasonable with regard to a country like Italy…or Australia, where I am. I’d be quite happy to assess crime rates for Italy or Australia against the US (no offence to Americans intended).

I think you and your mother should try to have a calm discussion with your father and attempt to understand his concerns. The easiest way to resolve the situation will be to get him on side, so acknowledge his concerns (even if you think them unreasonable) and calmly set about trying to address them. Assurances from your school, via a teacher perhaps, may help alleviate concerns also.

 

[SamH]

If you are 18 years old you should make you own decisions. Why are you “asking” for their permission - just let them know you are going.

 

[Aggie414]

If you are 18 years old you should make you own decisions. Why are you “asking” for their permission - just let them know you are going.

While you are correct, if the OP is still a financial dependent of his/her parents, then that changes the equation a bit. I’m a firm believer that as long as one is dependent on their parents, then the parents have the say. If one wants to have full control of their lives, then they have to have full control of their lives and that means financially as well. You cannot have your parents pay for everything but then not expect to follow their rules.

I believe the OP said that there was financial aid available for the trip that would cover the costs, but who is paying for the rest of his/her education? If the parents are paying for it, I believe they get the final say.

Just my two cents.

 

[Wackotrad]

I second the suggestion of finding out exactly why your father is so opposed to this. I studied abroad in college and it was a wonderful experience that continues to benefit me even (gulp!) almost twenty years later. Here are some things you might want to point out:

1. Even though study abroad is quite the “thing to do” on some campuses, fewer than 5% of college students overall study abroad. So a study abroad experience can really give you a boost in the job market when you graduate.
2. If your dad is worried about your safety, compare violent crime statistics of the U.S. with, well, just about any other developed country.
3. Ask your university to give you some details of their safety plan for the Siena program. For example, is there a professor or staff member there on site in case you run into any kind of trouble? If not, consider looking for a program that does.
4. Remember that NOW is probably the best time in your life to travel the world. You won’t be quite so free and flexible once you’re holding down a professional job and/or having a family to take care of.

 

[SamH]

While you are correct, if the OP is still a financial dependent of his/her parents, then that changes the equation a bit. I’m a firm believer that as long as one is dependent on their parents, then the parents have the say. If one wants to have full control of their lives, then they have to have full control of their lives and that means financially as well. You cannot have your parents pay for everything but then not expect to follow their rules.

I believe the OP said that there was financial aid available for the trip that would cover the costs, but who is paying for the rest of his/her education? If the parents are paying for it, I believe they get the final say.

Just my two cents.

I didn’t see that.

If the 18 year old is still living as a child then they should be treated as a child. If they aren’t mature enough to support themself they aren’t mature enough to make decisions about international trips.

I have the bad habit of thinking 18 means “grown up”.

 

[maryjk]

If you are 18 years old you should make you own decisions. Why are you “asking” for their permission - just let them know you are going.

The OP still lives at home and it sounds like Mom and Dad will be covering what financial aid doesn’t cover.

 

[Wackotrad]

I didn’t see that.

If the 18 year old is still living as a child then they should be treated as a child. If they aren’t mature enough to support themself they aren’t mature enough to make decisions about international trips.

I have the bad habit of thinking 18 means “grown up”.

Whoa there. Just because the girl’s parents are helping to pay for college (though I don’t think she even said that explicitly) doesn’t mean she’s living as a child. How insulting to this poster, who is coming to us “grown ups” with an honest request for advice, and who by the way seems quite mature and level-headed to me.

 

[SamH]

Whoa there. Just because the girl’s parents are helping to pay for college (though I don’t think she even said that explicitly) doesn’t mean she’s living as a child. How insulting to this poster, who is coming to us “grown ups” with an honest request for advice, and who by the way seems quite mature and level-headed to me.

Actually it doesn’t.

 

[Cristiano]

Whoa there. Just because the girl’s parents are helping to pay for college (though I don’t think she even said that explicitly) doesn’t mean she’s living as a child. How insulting to this poster, who is coming to us “grown ups” with an honest request for advice, and who by the way seems quite mature and level-headed to me.

A child living at home can be a sign of great maturity, while leaving the house at 18 just to show independence can be a sign of great stupidity.

 

[LilyM]

A child living at home can be a sign of great maturity, while leaving the house at 18 just to show independence can be a sign of great stupidity.

Indeed, plenty do so who cannot really afford it, for example.

And yes, a child living at home is not completely master of their own life. However it is not a matter of that being the sole determining factor. For all we know, this young lady works hard and contributes a lot financially in addition to her studies, but perhaps finds it more convenient for different reasons to remain at home.

Neither does it mean the father has the right to totally lord it over her with no respect at all for her views. It’s a sliding scale, and certainly someone who is old enough to drink, smoke, drive, vote, get married, own a gun and fight and die for their country should be afforded plenty of respect and autonomy unless and until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

 

[dixieagle]

I didn’t see that.

If the 18 year old is still living as a child then they should be treated as a child. If they aren’t mature enough to support themself they aren’t mature enough to make decisions about international trips.

I have the bad habit of thinking 18 means “grown up”.

I find this an unreasonable and - pardon the expression - immature view of things.

A college student whose parents are paying his/her tuition is indeed fortunate; however, “fortunate” doesn’t necessarily equal “living as a child”. College is a time for preparation and transitions. In this economy, many students find it necessary to live at home, thereby keeping costs down. That is a very sensible, thoughtful and mature thing to do.

The OP writes in a clear, calm and thoughtful manner, expressing her desire to broaden the scope of her education, but also stating her anguish at upsetting her father. She is seeking (name removed by moderator)ut from a group of (largely) Catholic posters, as most people on these boards do.

It is painting with a very broad brush, indeed, to suggest that all 18 year olds who aren’t supporting themselves are “children.”

 

[CatholicVera]

Sometimes we’re all unreasonable. Usually when we’re thinking or acting out emotionally rather than thoughtfully, and perhaps logically.

Instead of seeing his reaction, can you try to see his perspective? where he’s coming from? why he’s hot/cold or why he seems to be over-reacting to your request? Maybe by focusing on that, you’ll find the answer to your question. But maybe you’ll also discover how best to appeal to his being unreasonable. And if nothing else, maybe you’ll learn to identify it as his show of love (however else you’d rather he show it!)

I’m an immigrant, and I married an immigrant. Both of us have always been encouraged to travel, to see the world, to experience life outside of our comfort zones. So to that end, I’m having a hard time relating to your situation.

But we both had dads who loved us ridiculously, even if they weren’t always able to show it the way we wanted (or maybe even needed) to see it. Strong, macho men from strong, machismo cultures who found it easier to stomp their feet than to share their touchy-feely sides LOL. Who had a difficult time processing our getting older and spreading our wings, especially in a world they knew could be ugly and hard. My family is from a war-torn area, and my husband’s is from a formerly Communist country, so their experiences skewed their view of the world. Siena is lovely, especially by comparison but still, far from home.

Maybe give him time. Don’t press the issue, other than to let him know as much as you would love to take this opportunity, he means more to you than it does. Let those words marinate with him. Know that your mother is likely working on it behind the scenes in that way that only mothers can. In the meanwhile, continue to work and study hard to show him how mature you are and how capable you are to handle the things that come your way - including deferred gratification and respect for his authority. Prove to him everything he knows to be true of you, and make it impossible for him to lovingly deny you this opportunity.

And if he doesn’t change his mind, know that Siena isn’t going anywhere and you’re only 19. Other opportunities will come around, and eventually so will he. You won’t have a second opportunity at showing this maturity and respect to your father, though.

I hope he does come around - you sound like a great kid.

 

[SamH]

A child living at home can be a sign of great maturity, while leaving the house at 18 just to show independence can be a sign of great stupidity.

It can, but usually it doesn’t. Especially if the child is a dependent instead of a provider.