Unreasonable fear...probably

[GreyRabbit]

I think since becoming pregnant (33wks with first) a fear I realize I’ve always had has lately been coming to the forefront and becoming a little stronger: I’m afraid of losing family members. I mean like, my parents, my husband, my child…I’m afraid of loving them so much, that I seemingly put them before God, and so He’ll take them away so I can depend on Him more or something. That’s my fear. A while ago, my uncle died, leaving behind my 13 yr old cousin and my aunt. They’re strong people, but without going into details, I can see the toll it’s taken and the increased dependency on each other between them.

I’m not sure where this fear has come from. My parents never did the “okay I’m leaving now” thing with me when I was a kid (which I absolutely hate seeing), I haven’t lost anyone significantly (until my uncle died that is, and although we were close but we weren’t THAT close, and my abuelito died but it was his time and all), and, well, I can’t think of anything big that would make me feel this way. I know I’ve always had it though, and I tried not to think about it, because part of me is like, “if I don’t think about it it won’t come true”, or something silly like that. Maybe part of it is the fact that my uncle died while I’ve been here in Korea, and so the last time I saw him has now been something like two years, and I couldn’t go to his funeral. I’m afraid of my parents dying, or my brother (but he and I…our relationship isn’t good though we’re on friendly terms, but that’s a whole 'nother story) and “I’m not there, and that it’ll have been so long since I’ve seen them and now I’ll never get to again” kind of thing or something like “they were on their way to see me and if they hadn’t then they’d be alive”. When I was visiting the States a few months ago, I had the same fear about my husband. Again, it’s not just the fear of them dying, it’s that I love them so much, and God will take them away to make me…focus on Him more or something, which sounds bad…like I’m not doing enough…but there are lots of wonderfully religious people who lose their loved ones, so it’s almost like no matter what you do…

Ugh…it’s so confusing… let me try to re-phrase it like this:

Being in Korea, and having no friends to relate to here, and no Catholic friends (even back home), no other family, I haven’t done much faith-wise. We (my husband, baby-in-womb, and I) still go to Mass, but that’s about it. Christmas, Easter, we just go to Mass and it feels like any other Sunday, except we’ll get a nice dinner or something. Okay, so, thus feeling as if my faith is practically nothing, and being far away, and pregnant with my first (and first of my family with two out of marriage exceptions on one paternal side), I’m afraid that I haven’t been paying enough attention to God or something (something I struggle with anyway, the whole how to love Him when I can’t see or touch, etc., but we do pray before meals, and I do pray a lot, just more informally I guess, but again…religious or not people lose their loved ones) and because I miss (the ones back in the States) and love my family so much that He’ll take them away. Maybe because that’s the thing you say to people who lose someone: turn to God. But it’s not like that’s a bad thing to do…

I think I’ve repeated myself a lot here…/wince Sorry, I’m not sure how to sort out my thoughts on this. I’d be afraid even if I was back in the States…

Ah well. If nothing else, thanks for reading

-Grey

 

[Phil_Marinus]

Hello… That took a bit of reading, put in a nutshell… I think your just a bit lonely ,
Which is understandable, your a long swim from home, and yes most of us think
About loosing loved ones, I was very close to my parents, but I had to let them go,
I would have lunch with them at least once a week, there house was like a delicatessen…
They had the best cheese & salarmi sandwich in the whole world…
But sadly they leave us, and at times I feel my dad is here with me, so I chat as if he is here,
You will be fine, it takes a while for some people to make friends, (I’m one )
You could make friends on here, same minded people here,
Good luck, keep us all updated with your progress,

 

[KellyPalmer]

While I don’t feel exactly the same way, I could actually relate to a lot of what you wrote. For me, it was a combination of a weakened faith, the passing of a cousin, and having children that really made me develop a strong fear of losing someone close to me. I struggled with this anxiety for many years. There’s something about having life within you that really makes you realize love. There’s nothing like becoming a mother – the thought of losing a child is just so insanely terrifying. Plus with childbirth came thyroid disease which causes anxiety.

What I can tell you is that the thought that God would take someone away from you b/c you love them so much, in order to make you focus on him more is NOT a truthful thought. You know this already, I’m sure. You must reject these thoughts. I think of this quote from John Paul II:

“Nobody can use a person as a means towards an end, no human being, nor yet God the Creator. On the part of God, indeed, it is totally out of the question, since, by giving man an intelligent and free nature, he has thereby ordained that each man alone will decide for himself the ends of his activity, and not be a blind tool of someone else’s ends. Therefore, if God intends to direct man towards certain goals, he allows him to begin with to know those goals, so that he may make them his own and strive towards them independently. In this amongst other things resides the most profound logic of revelation: God allows man to learn His supernatural ends, but the decision to strive towards an end, the choice of course, is left to man’s free will. God does not redeem man against his will.”

God leaves this choice up to you and me. He does not “make” us do anything. What may be true is that you may hear/feel Him calling you closer to Him. You seem as though you want to be focusing on Him more! So work on that! IME, strengthening my faith has helped with my fears on this topic immensely!!!

I have also really struggled with having Catholic fellowship b/c it doesn’t seem to be much of an option in my area but I have prayed for opportunities there and have recently found some open doors so do not give up and pray for this in your life! In the meantime, strengthen your relationship with the Saints within the Body of Christ! What is your relationship with the Blessed Mother like? She knows more than anyone what it is like to lose someone close to her. She also wants nothing more than to bring you and I closer to her Son!!

 

[marimagi]

It sounds like you are really hurting and feeling quite anxious. Remeber, it is also not unusual to start having a lot of anxious thoughts when you are pregnant (or having more anxious thoughts,) because the dynamics of your life and family are going to be changing. But the change is a good thing and you will eventually feel calmer.

God does not punish us for loving the people He has given us. You will not place your loved-ones in danger by loving them. That’s what they are there for! Feeling love from others and receiving their love in return, is God’s gift to us. It is not a test to see if we love them or Him more. He wants us to know love and to experience that joy.

You say that you haven’t been feeling that you have been spending that much close time with God. Remember, while it is important to encounter Him at Mass and in your prayers, you also encounter Him when you are loving and devoting time to others. Soon, you will be devoting most of your time to a new little life. THAT, is spending time in devotion to God as well, although at 2:00 AM and 4:00 AM and 7:00 AM, it is not always going to feel that way. Giving of yourself to this child in motherhood, is a sacrifice. When it is hard, when it is painful, remember, God understands. In becoming a parent, you ARE uniting yourself to Him.

During this time, try to take one day at a time. Try not to get trapped in “what-if” thoughts. Right now, you have a new life growing inside of you! Ask God and Mother Mary to stay close to you and your new little family. Ask those who have passed on, to be close as well. Ask them to pray for you. Enjoy the fact that you are here, on this earth, participating in life, today. Remind yourself, “All is well.” You are not and will never be, alone.

If you ever wonder how close God is, just think about how He is vreating that new little person inside of you. When you see him or her, you will be overwhelmed with the reality of what God can accomplish in just 9 short months. And that miracle is all happening to you and your husband! What a blessing!

It will be okay. The good days, the hard days…it will be okay.

 

[GreyRabbit]

You guys… thank you… thank you so much…I can’t even begin to express how comforted I am by your replies. I wish I could hug you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

 

[Phil_Marinus]

You guys… thank you… thank you so much…I can’t even begin to express how comforted I am by your replies. I wish I could hug you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

That’s ok, thanks… We all come from different backgrounds,and have one faith,
Yet have our own interpretation on a variety of issues, ultimately it’s up to yourself
To make sense of it all.
Good luck.
I'i never say no to a hug,,,,,lol

 

[Lasting_faith]

Well, I am a man so I can not relate to your feelings, but I would say “hormons”. What you feel is absolutely normal being pregnant and far from home and friends, I did understand that you are in Korea? But even if this is fear is unreasonable it is still something that bothers you, so something should be done about that. Talk to your priest, if there is one where you are, or your doctor. There is no pills for fear that you can take, but he can assure you that it is normal. Do you know BTW if it is a boy or a girl?

 

[GreyRabbit]

That’s ok, thanks… We all come from different backgrounds,and have one faith,
Yet have our own interpretation on a variety of issues, ultimately it’s up to yourself
To make sense of it all.
Good luck.

  I'i never say no to a hug,,,,,lol

Lol :hug3:

 

[GreyRabbit]

Well, I am a man so I can not relate to your feelings, but I would say “hormons”. What you feel is absolutely normal being pregnant and far from home and friends, I did understand that you are in Korea? But even if this is fear is unreasonable it is still something that bothers you, so something should be done about that. Talk to your priest, if there is one where you are, or your doctor. There is no pills for fear that you can take, but he can assure you that it is normal. Do you know BTW if it is a boy or a girl?

Heh yea, I’m sure that definitely plays a part too. My husband and I are in Korea for now, but we’re from the States. We’ve been here a year and a half and will possibly be here another year, eventually making it 3 years.
Probably not the doctor (language barrier) but maybe the priest. =)
And yea, it’s a boy. ^^ Technically it’s illegal for the doctor to tell the expecting parents the gender, but they’ve got loopholes =D

Still, the posts really have made a difference. It’s kinda surprising lol.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Heh yea, I’m sure that definitely plays a part too. My husband and I are in Korea for now, but we’re from the States. We’ve been here a year and a half and will possibly be here another year, eventually making it 3 years.
Probably not the doctor (language barrier) but maybe the priest. =)
And yea, it’s a boy. ^^ Technically it’s illegal for the doctor to tell the expecting parents the gender, but they’ve got loopholes =D

Still, the posts really have made a difference. It’s kinda surprising lol.

Dear GreyRabbit,

I am sorry to tell you this, but you will never have true peace of mind again. Once you have children, you will always have at least a small kernel of fear about where they are, what they are doing, with whom they are doing it, etc. I used to be an optimistic sort of person, really didn’t think of the “worst-case” scenarios, but once my first son was born, that came with realizing that a tiny, helpless person was now totally dependent upon me. How fragile our lives are! I never thought about that until I held him in my arms. You have so much more to lose now…That will never change. Stay close to Jesus, and especially Mary. Try not to think about things in the middle of the night, those are the times when things can seem truly darkest. Have confidence in the Lord, he will never forsake you. The hardest part for me as a mom is letting my sons grow up with confidence and not trying to wrap them in cotton wool to keep them safe. My older one now has his pilot’s license and yes, I have anxiety about that. But what can I do? Keep him from achieving his dreams just so I don’t have panic attacks? That wouldn’t be fair.

Usually our husbands make a good balance, especially when raising sons. They are doers, achievers, action-oriented, and teach a son to handle his fears through facing them head-on. Encourage this relationship and let your husband teach your son how to be a man. From the beginning you will see a real difference in how you treat your son v. how you husband treats him. Both are necessary for that baby to grow into a man.

Anyway, I could go on and on. My message may not be as positive as the previous posters, but it’s what I have experienced and every mom I know has faced. Life has changed forever, and frankly, I don’t know how any parent handles this without the strength of God to hold them up.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Sounds like you are going through a “perfect storm” of experiences that it’s pretty normal to feel anxiety over. Being away from loved ones, expecting your first child, having pregnancy hormones stirred up, and reflecting on the big things of life - birth, death, love, loss, mortality, all that stuff.

I remember when I turned 30 and my dad retired the same year, all of a sudden I was obsessed with the realization of my parents’ eventual mortality. I was also having terrible hormonal problems (basically severe PMS) and I had some bad anxiety and depression :bighanky:. Don’t be afraid to confide in your doctor or a priest if that might help, but I’m sure glad to hear people’s replies here on CAF have put your heart and mind more at ease.

And I wholeheartedly second the suggestion to lean heavily on our Blessed Mother for strength and consolation. Pray the Rosary, say the Memorare, read the Bible about what Mary went through from the Annunciation to Gethsemane and see that she was and is our Heavenly Mother and wants so very much to help us through our trials and lead us to her Son Jesus. :hug3:

 

[GreyRabbit]

Dear GreyRabbit,

I am sorry to tell you this, but you will never have true peace of mind again. Once you have children, you will always have at least a small kernel of fear about where they are, what they are doing, with whom they are doing it, etc. I used to be an optimistic sort of person, really didn’t think of the “worst-case” scenarios, but once my first son was born, that came with realizing that a tiny, helpless person was now totally dependent upon me. How fragile our lives are! I never thought about that until I held him in my arms. You have so much more to lose now…That will never change. Stay close to Jesus, and especially Mary. Try not to think about things in the middle of the night, those are the times when things can seem truly darkest. Have confidence in the Lord, he will never forsake you. The hardest part for me as a mom is letting my sons grow up with confidence and not trying to wrap them in cotton wool to keep them safe. My older one now has his pilot’s license and yes, I have anxiety about that. But what can I do? Keep him from achieving his dreams just so I don’t have panic attacks? That wouldn’t be fair.

Usually our husbands make a good balance, especially when raising sons. They are doers, achievers, action-oriented, and teach a son to handle his fears through facing them head-on. Encourage this relationship and let your husband teach your son how to be a man. From the beginning you will see a real difference in how you treat your son v. how you husband treats him. Both are necessary for that baby to grow into a man.

Anyway, I could go on and on. My message may not be as positive as the previous posters, but it’s what I have experienced and every mom I know has faced. Life has changed forever, and frankly, I don’t know how any parent handles this without the strength of God to hold them up.

Thank you for your words. I think I understand what you mean; my brother has been through difficult times, and I’ve watched my mom worry and try not to despair. And there have been times where suddenly I’m like “oh my gosh, I’m not ready for this!” and I think about, how like you say, that fear for my children won’t go away. But you and the posters are right about getting and staying close to Jesus and Mary. I want to and need to, even if it’s just a day at a time. =) Thank you!

 

[GreyRabbit]

Sounds like you are going through a “perfect storm” of experiences that it’s pretty normal to feel anxiety over. Being away from loved ones, expecting your first child, having pregnancy hormones stirred up, and reflecting on the big things of life - birth, death, love, loss, mortality, all that stuff.

I remember when I turned 30 and my dad retired the same year, all of a sudden I was obsessed with the realization of my parents’ eventual mortality. I was also having terrible hormonal problems (basically severe PMS) and I had some bad anxiety and depression :bighanky:. Don’t be afraid to confide in your doctor or a priest if that might help, but I’m sure glad to hear people’s replies here on CAF have put your heart and mind more at ease.

And I wholeheartedly second the suggestion to lean heavily on our Blessed Mother for strength and consolation. Pray the Rosary, say the Memorare, read the Bible about what Mary went through from the Annunciation to Gethsemane and see that she was and is our Heavenly Mother and wants so very much to help us through our trials and lead us to her Son Jesus. :hug3:

You know, it’s funny that you mention your dad retiring, because actually my mom just retired this month, and my dad is considering doing so next year. And just a few days ago I was sent a picture of them, and I was like, “wow, when did they start looking old?” Not to be rude to them or anything (not to mention I’d never tell them I thought that!!).

/hug I noticed you said “had” so I’m hoping you’re feeling better now, and if not, I hope you will soon. =) But yea, the support people have shown have given me encouragement, and I’m really grateful for it. I think like TheRealJuliane said, the fear for our children won’t go away, but at least that of my family doesn’t seem so overpowering. And when it does get that way again, like you guys say, lean on Jesus and Mary, which I want to get better at doing. Thank you! And I hope all goes well for you too! ^^

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thank you for your words. I think I understand what you mean; my brother has been through difficult times, and I’ve watched my mom worry and try not to despair. And there have been times where suddenly I’m like “oh my gosh, I’m not ready for this!” and I think about, how like you say, that fear for my children won’t go away. But you and the posters are right about getting and staying close to Jesus and Mary. I want to and need to, even if it’s just a day at a time. =) Thank you!

No one is ever ready for children. If we had any idea what we were about to do, the whole human race would die out in a couple of generations. You just have to trust in God, pray a lot more than you ever have, and cling to each other more than you ever wanted to. The first part is actually easier, because when they are little bitties, you really can protect them to a great extent. It’s when they get a little older and start doing things in the big wide world that the fear can really take hold. Best to stay busy if you can, and not dwell on those things. (Of course having a lot of kids helps to stay busy! )

 

[3DOCTORS]

You know, it’s funny that you mention your dad retiring, because actually my mom just retired this month, and my dad is considering doing so next year. And just a few days ago I was sent a picture of them, and I was like, “wow, when did they start looking old?” Not to be rude to them or anything (not to mention I’d never tell them I thought that!!).

/hug I noticed you said “had” so I’m hoping you’re feeling better now, and if not, I hope you will soon. =) But yea, the support people have shown have given me encouragement, and I’m really grateful for it. I think like TheRealJuliane said, the fear for our children won’t go away, but at least that of my family doesn’t seem so overpowering. And when it does get that way again, like you guys say, lean on Jesus and Mary, which I want to get better at doing. Thank you! And I hope all goes well for you too! ^^

Thanks! :thankyou: The overwhelming crisis of realizing my parents’ mortality happened when I turned 30 and I’m 51 now. They have both since passed, Dad 10 years ago and Mom 5. It was harder with Dad because it was a sudden death and because Mom had been the one with worse health I’d never expected him to go first. And it was scary when I still just had Mom since I had no other immediate relative, no spouse, sibling, or child.

However, the night Mom died, I got out my Time-Life book about Pope John Paul II after getting home from the hospital and wondering if I’d be able to sleep at all. And reading that I realized that young Karol Wojtyla had no other family either and he was only 20 years old at the time, World War II was impacting his native Poland, all sorts of crazy stuff was happening - and by the grace of God he persevered and went on to become Pope (and is now a Blessed as well)! So that gave me great inspiration and peace - and dare I say a little more courage. :yup:

I must also mention that good Christian and Catholic music was a good soother of nerves during rough times. John Michael Talbot, EWTN and K-Love Radio, and also I like to play church songs on my electronic keyboard. Darkening the room some and lighting a candle, just getting into a calm and peaceful space with the Lord in whatever way suits you best, and putting those positives into your mind and heart - it helps!

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

God’s Spirit is in my heart,
He has called me and set me apart.
This is what I have to do,
what I have to do.

He sent me to give the Good News to the poor,
Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more,
Tell blind people that they can see,
And set the downtrodden free
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come,
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come.

Just as the Father sent me,
So I’m sending you out to be
My witnesses throughout the world,
The whole of the world.

Don’t worry what you have to say,
Don’t worry because on that day
God’s Spirit will speak in your heart,
Will speak in your heart.