Unreasonable requests from boyfriend?

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I have a history of sexual assault and unfortunately for a time afterwards went fairly wild (drinking and partying a lot, sleeping with guys) - largely due to a mental health crisis I was bottling up, as well as low self-esteem etc.
I have since decided to pursue more meaningful relationships instead of the casual flings/sex as I was finally able to realise that it was not making me happy (and instead making me unhappy) and that I had lost sight of what I wanted.
However, my new Catholic boyfriend (7 months) finds it difficult to accept my past and that I have actually changed, and also struggles with thoughts of me being intimate with other men. He also has many pre-conceived ideas about how Catholic women should behave. We have clashed on several matters, largely because we have grown up with different teachings and family advice. My family is also devoutly Catholic, however our first main disagreement was over whether I could have a male flatmate. My mother thought it was okay, but my boyfriend disagreed. I decided to compromise and go with a female flatmate on this occasion.
Since then he has taken issue with my socialising with male friends. I largely have male friends since I moved interstate for work and my workplace & industry is majority males (e.g. I’m the only female in my team of 9). He has requested that I don’t go for drinks with only guys and don’t stay out late with groups of guys, nor have dinner or drinks with a male friend by himself. I have reluctantly agreed to these.
However, he has gone one step further. Originally when I started my job, my colleagues who were also starting as graduates at the time nominated and asked me if I could be the ‘social coordinator’ for the group. This is a completely informal role and it is simply to send out emails/calendar invites to the graduate group to organise drinks after work on Friday or other informal social events. My boyfriend has taken issue with me doing this and doesn’t want me to be organising anything. He’s requested that I inform everyone that I don’t want to do it. At the very least, if I am to stop organising things, I would prefer to make a more subtle withdrawal rather than abruptly announcing to the group that I don’t want to do it anymore.
I feel that I have made a lot of changes for him and that this is a step too far for him to ask of me, particularly when it is regarding socialising with colleagues at a time when it is crucial to develop professional networks.
Should I compromise on this or am I correct in thinking that it is unreasonable?
 
From what you have said, ditch the boyfriend. He does not seem to be good for you.

The male flatmate thing I understand. I also somewhat understand the dinner/drinks alone with a male friend (seems a little too date like to me).

However I would have no issues with you being with a group of male friends or you organizing things. That is getting too controlling for my liking and raises red flags as to what he may expect if you were to marry him.
 
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jt12 said:
My mother thought it was okay, but my boyfriend disagreed.
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I’d be with the boyfriend on this.
jt12 said:
He has requested that I don’t go for drinks with only guys and don’t stay out late with groups of guys, nor have dinner or drinks with a male friend by himself.
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This also seems reasonable.
jt12 said:
. My boyfriend has taken issue with me doing this and doesn’t want me to be organising anything
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Ok…not so reasonable.
 
I’m seeing major red flags here. He seems very controlling of you, and it’s not a good sign that he is struggling to believe you’ve changed. He doesn’t seem to trust you.

I think you’re right - he is unreasonable. It doesn’t sound to me like he will change.
 
He’s trying to control your access to peers and friends, which is step one in a textbook abusive relationship. He’s telling you what to tell people - again, another sign of an abuse. You deserve better than this.

You don’t deserve to have a man obsess over your past, and if he really loved you and cared for you he would believe that you had changed, or at least trust you. Dump this guy ASAP. There are tons and tons and tons of red flags in your post, all of basically warning signs of a potential abuser. Next he will start limiting your contact with your own family if he hasn’t started to hint at that already.

Get out now before it gets worse. If he gets stalker-y go to the police. This is a serious issue and these are very concerning warning signs.
 
His problem with your past is exactly that – HIS problem. I can understand the flatmate thing, but the rest is overboard. This last idea of his is totally unreasonable.
I think It’s time to tell him that since he Can’t get over your past, both of you need to move on. This relationship sounds very stressful, for both of you. You’ve done excellent work in turning your life around, and you deserve to be with someone who recognizes that.
 
angel12 said:
His problem with your past is exactly that – HIS problem.
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Well not necessarily. I’d be the first to say that people deserve second chances but you can’t just say “it’s 100% his problem”. If someone behaves a certain way then you can’t expect that people will treat them like they never behaved like that. Now, in this case, perhaps the boyfriend’s requests are a little unreasonable. But you can’t say his lack of trust is completely unfounded.
 
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His request for you to stop coordinating work events is overboard, in my opinion. He needs to decide whether he trusts you or not, and should decide whether he can live with your social life related to work. If you work in a male-dominated industry, the issue is not going to disappear unless you change careers, so he is the one who needs to figure out whether that’s something he can deal with maturely or not.

Is there a way to coordinate a work social event that significant others or friends are invited to as well, so that he can meet and get to know your work friends?
 
He’s not the right guy for you, move on. If he can’t /won’t trust you then there’s no healthy future for you in this relationship.
 
Not staying out late drinking and partying alone with a group of your mates seems like a reasonable request. Late nights and alcohol make for poor decision making so it seems like a reasonable boundary to me.

Are any of the men that you go out drinking with men that you’ve had a casual sex with in the past? That might also explain why he is hesitant for you to be out partying with them.
 
He’s always invited however never wants to come as he doesn’t really like my colleagues for some reason. It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit embarrassing because other colleagues’ partners come but he never does.
 
Nope, it’s been a clean split from the past. Not even any attraction etc either way with these guys & most are in relationships anyway.
 
jt12 said:
He’s always invited however never wants to come as he doesn’t really like my colleagues for some reason. It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit embarrassing because other colleagues’ partners come but he never does.
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I think this is his problem then. It isn’t fair for him to have an issue with you interacting with coworkers. It sounds like you have made a lot of compromises to keep him happy (not entirely unreasonable- I would have been uncomfortable with my now-husband living with a woman), but he still does not seem to be able to trust you. I think it’s worthwhile to think carefully about whether this is a relationship you can see ending in marriage, and envision how that would look.
 
AdamP88 said:
Now, in this case, perhaps the boyfriend’s requests are a little unreasonable. But you can’t say his lack of trust is completely unfounded.
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Some of them are more than “a little” unreasonable. And if he can’t trust her because of the past that she’s left behind, then he’s not the man for her. She can’t go through her entire life being treated like this.
 
If you were my daughter or my sister, I’d advise you go at least a year with no romantic involvement at all.

Sort of a “reset” to you guy selector.

Work on you, on becoming strong and confident. Very manipulative/controlling people can sense those who will be vulnerable and seek them out. Real love, Christ like love for another, is not controlling.
 
I agree with most posters here, he seems to be excessively controlling. I. A mature relationship he would trust you. If he doesn’t like it, he should state that he feels xyz, not demand anything. Y’all are in a relationship, you are not his property.
 
jt12 said:
He’s always invited however never wants to come as he doesn’t really like my colleagues for some reason. It’s getting to the point where it’s a bit embarrassing because other colleagues’ partners come but he never does.
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That’s not OK.
 
It doesn’t sound like you and your boyfriend are right for each other.

Like other posters, I think it’s time to let him go and move on.

If/when you start dating again, don’t paint vivid pictures for your new boyfriend of your past life. Your future husband (whoever he winds up being) should have the general idea of what kind of past you have by the time you are engaged, but avoid descriptions that evoke vivid images. Also, don’t introduce this information too early. It’s potentially a source of temptation if a guy knows that you have done certain things before, and none of us need more temptation.

The more time that goes by, the better track record you have–so you’ve got that going for you.

Best wishes!
 
You already know that he is not good for you. It would be one thing if he were concerned for your well being, because your past indicates poor judgement (in his mind). But he’s way beyond that. He will never be able to trust you. You will eventually feel smothered by his mistrust.
 
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