Unreasonable requests from boyfriend?

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In a burst of irony, this man who is trying to protect you from bad decisions is, himself, a bad decision.

Walk away from this jealous, controlling person.
 
Perhaps, he should find a woman that can measure up to his expectations. If he can’t then you will separate eventually anyway. I also have a past from many years ago and it doesn’t define who I am now and even though there are people in my life that won’t let me forgot it I move on with or without their consent. If we spent all our time regretting the past I think we should just give up and die. I actually, as a man, understand some of his concerns but, as I said, different values can breed contempt. My girlfriend and I come from different religious backgrounds but we share a common vision for a common future and share similar values, perhaps you two don’t but it’s a little difficult to tell something about ones life from just one post. He has a side of this story to I’d imagine. Talking to him and negotiating is the greatest solution. Try to take him seriously and do your best to have him do that as well, scream if you have to that one sure works with my girlfriend.😂 Good luck to you and I hope that it only works out for the best for the two of you. :v:t2:
 
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Nothing you said he asks seems unreasonable up into and including the organizing; if you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men…

In any case it does not sound like you two are right for one another given your proclivity toward certain activities and arrangements and his request that you not participate in those.
 
hoping4more said:
Nothing you said he asks seems unreasonable up into and including the organizing; if you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men…
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An organizer probably shouldn’t be doing that much drinking, though.

Hostessing is HARD.
 
hoping4more said:
Nothing you said he asks seems unreasonable up into and including the organizing; if you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men…
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It seems to be the case here that these “other men” also bring their significant others, but that the OP’s boyfriend refuses to meet or socialize with them. If they were married, I could see it becoming a problem if too much time was spend socializing with coworkers at the expense of family time, but these two aren’t even engaged yet.

I do agree that it doesn’t sound like they are right for each other. She needs someone who doesn’t fixate on her past, and he needs someone who doesn’t have a problem making career sacrifices for a boyfriend.
 
hoping4more said:
Nothing you said he asks seems unreasonable up into and including the organizing; if you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men…
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Not according to her description of what the organizer does. Why do you assume that?
 
Ignore your past history. Just look at the facts as you presented them.

In favor of the boyfriend’s point of view: If you love someone, you want to spend time with them, not co-workers. Seems reasonable to me. If you’re constantly socializing with co-workers, even if it’s 100% innocent, what you are really saying is “I want to spend my time with them, not you.” And if you argue that all this socializing will lead to wonderful promotions, I’ve never run across a job like that.

Against the boyfriend’s point of view: Yes, as others have pointed out, it’s a bit controlling. But only a bit. If he didn’t want you to have work dinners with female co-workers, etc. then it would be a different story. Simply avoiding temptation seems like a good strategy for anyone. But organizing thing is a bit of a mystery–why should he care if it doesn’t take up much of your time? If it is taking up a lot of your time (time out of work, presumably), then I could see it being an issue.

I see it more as an issue of how you spend your free time. I could be wrong!
 
that job is given to the social butterfly of the group, and that person is expected (socially) to be present. “Hey everyone, I booked a big table at the fun new club. Yall have fun, my beau and me will be having a quiet dinner date at my place…” Those sentence won’t be said by OP.
jt12 said:
He has requested that I don’t go for drinks with only guys and don’t stay out late with groups of guys, nor have dinner or drinks with a male friend by himself. I have reluctantly agreed to these.
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At some point she will be alone with other men; generally unacceptable while in a relationship.
 
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hoping4more said:
Nothing you said he asks seems unreasonable up into and including the organizing; if you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men…
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Nothing OP said indicated they would be drinking to excess. It sounds like a professional environment. Maybe a drink or two after work? Completely reasonable. The boyfriend sounds like bad news, I am sorry to say.
 
Quite a diversity of opinion, from “Sounds reasonable to me” to “Wow, what an abuser!” It doesn’t sound like you two are a good match, OP. Better part ways.
 
“If you organize it then obviously you will be up late at night, drinking, with other men.”

That’s not really a fair assumption.

DH’s job–one in a professional, corporate environment–has work happy hours as a standard Social Thing that new hires in particular are encouraged/expected to attend. Spouses/significant others are welcome also; pre-kid, and when DH was a bit newer to the company, I often attended with him when he’d go. (Neither of us do now, but that’s a function of having kids plus his being with the company for some time now.) These things started at about 5:30, had generally wrapped up by 7:30, and I never saw anything even remotely approaching inappropriate behavior at any of them. Most people would have a beer, perhaps two; some wouldn’t drink at all, and no one cared either way, but no one ever got so much as tipsy that I could see, and I’ve got a pretty good nose for such things. We’d nibble on company-provided appetizers, discuss various things…and that was it.

For someone to refuse to attend such a thing because there are people of the opposite sex there would be quite silly. It was a good way for the various newish-to-the-company people to get to know one another in a more relaxed environment, and one with known, acceptable standards of behavior. For the record, I wouldn’t be comfortable with DH going out to dinner/drinks with a female colleague alone (and neither would he), but I never cared at all if he wanted to go to this kind of thing, whether or not I attended.
 
jt12-
Despite others disagreement I stand by my statement about after work obligations. I think if someone was in a healthy relationship/marriage and felt professional pressure to attend after work gatherings most sensible people who do not want to drink and carouse and spend a lot of money on drinks say to just agree to show up for one hour and have one drink then politely excuse oneself. Perhaps in the future this is a good idea.

Considering drinking was a part of the casual sex you engaged in it is probably a good idea to avoid these situations; near occasion of sin and all that. Since this your first (i presume) relationship since giving up causal/premarital sex you might need to think of this as a ‘rebound’ relationship. You have grown a good deal but seems like you still have a ways to go. The fact that it took you more than a few hours and even needed to make an internet post about it(male roommate???), means you are not ready to accept what is respectable behavior in a relationship(if I were in his shoes and you said anything other than “ok, sounds reasonable.” I would have immediately broken up).

Take things slowly, it will be difficult and I’ll pray that you have strength and courage up to the day of your wedding.
 
In my own workplaces and in my husband’s, networking is an important part of the job. This sometimes includes going out after work. The OP happens to be in a male-dominated profession, so her boyfriend either needs to get on board with that or decide he can’t handle it.

The OP has already agreed to refrain from drinking alone or staying out late with other men. That sounds reasonable. But to ask her not to socialize with coworkers, and refuse to get to know them, seems to suggest that his issues with it are more related to his inability to cope with her past than they are about what is appropriate or not in a relationship. He does not trust her, and it doesn’t sound like she’s given him any reason not to.
 
This doesn’t have to be about whether the boyfriend is “reasonable” or “unreasonable.” The OP’s boyfriend has issues with her past and makes requests that SHE finds to be irksome and uncomfortable. Maybe the OP’s a great guy or maybe he’s a louse or something in between, but the bottom line is that they’re just not working as a couple and should end things.
 
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