Unspoiling children

[wumpiesmommy]

My husband and I share a house with my parents and our 2 kids, a 16 month old and a newborn.
Our older son has just begun throwing fits wanting his grandmother. She spoils him rotten and babies him when she’s not in bed due to health problems. She pampers him when he throws fits and she and I nearly get into it over that. She spoiled me all my life and I pay for it to this day.
However, we HAVE to live here. Phone dying, can’t explain why.
How can we stop the fits? Does anyone agree he has them because of the attention she tries to give him when he does?
Anyone have a similar situation?
BTW, Mom isn’t Catholic. She’s a liberal Protestant.

 

[SuzanneD]

We have recently began putting the 16 month on the couch when he throws fits. We tell him ,“this is where you sit when you throw fits, you can get down when you stop throwing a fit”.
Some times he will get down and throw himself on the floor, we (I) put him right back up on the couch. His fit throwing has really decreased. My mom thought I was being to hard on him, but I told her that we could stop the problem now or let him turn int a full blown brat.

 

[Aggies08]

When ours throws a fit, they are put in a spot- marked with masking tape, if need be- and told to stay there until they are done crying/yelling/etc and ready to talk to us. If they cannot talk to us, they go back to the spot until ready to try again. This can take 2m, or 40m. It works very well for us.

With relatives that do not respect the family rules DH and I abide by, we limit or cease contact with them until they are willing to treat our family as we have requested. I handle my side; he handles his side. We expect them to obey what we feel is best for our children.

Oh, sry, I missed that you share the HOUSE. In that case, he can learn that he needs to respect mom and dad, but it will take much longer for him, and he will try running to grandma when things don’t work out. I have kids in my class like that every year. You must be VERY consistent with them, and it does take time.

 

[pentecostbaby]

He’s 16 months old. You can’t really spoil a baby. A two-year-old, yes. But not such a little one.

 

[mountee]

Stay calm and try the best you can to get some support and cooperation from your mother. Chose a spot and have him sit until he is quiet. Constant, clear instructions and reminders of appropriate behavior will bring success. Patience:thumbsup:

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Your mother may have to be trained. Living with her definitely will make the disciplining harder, but thankfully, the child is still young enough that the slate is pretty close to blank at this point. You will have to speak very frankly with your mother, and let her know that you are going to be approaching discipline in a specific way, and that you will need her to support you in that. That is where you start. You can do it kindly, but you should be very clear - no hinting. This may lead to a discussion of discipline philosophies, which is fine. It might be helpful for your parents to have an idea of what you mean by discipline. It will likely also be helpful to avoid critiquing your own childhood too much, and to focus on the positive aspects of your plans. Ultimately, your parents need to understand that regardless of their opinion, you are the one who calls the shots since you are the parents.

You will have to be vigilant and be the one to provide the discipline. It is easy to be tempted to let the grandparents take over some of that role, because they are closer to the situation, or because they are willing. Don’t give in to that temptation. Your mother will learn by your active involvement that you intend to take care of it. If she interferes or argues about it, you will have to say it straight out.

If your Mom tries to interfere with your discipline, she will need to be told that you are disciplining your child, and that she needs to not interfere. I don’t live with my parents, but they have certainly tried to interfere with my discipline many times. I have had to use these words, and while I am not being rude, my tone of voice is forceful when it needs to be. They learn. It doesn’t hurt to remove the child from the same location of the interfering person, but since that isn’t always possible, it is certainly ok to ask the interfering person to go somewhere else while you deal with your child.

Just like children, adults often attempt to repeat their bad behaviors before they learn not to do them. So it may be that your mom will need repetition. Don’t give up.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

He’s 16 months old. You can’t really spoil a baby. A two-year-old, yes. But not such a little one.

Sure you can. You can set the stage for huge tantrums by the age of 2. Little kids know what’s expected of them, and if something works, then they will repeat it. The more attention he gets for throwing a conniption, the more he will do it.

 

[pentecostbaby]

Sure you can. You can set the stage for huge tantrums by the age of 2. Little kids know what’s expected of them, and if something works, then they will repeat it. The more attention he gets for throwing a conniption, the more he will do it.

I have a 17 month old. I also have a 3 year old. I don’t advocate giving into screaming, but at 16 months their needs are pretty basic. And there’s no need to ignore a child who 's upset. “I’m sorry you’re mad that you can’t climb the TV,” or whatever, and holding them, is perfectly fine. It’s our job to help our kids learn to label and process their emotions, not ignore them when their emotional state isn’t where we think it should be. They aren’t being manipulative at 16 months. They are genuinely upset.

And my children are very well behaved by any yardstick. So please do not insinuate that they are spoiled or ill-behaved because we don’t abandon them when they cry. We try to label our older son’s emotions (You are sad/mad because of x) and ask if he’d like to be sad alone or in our arms. We ask him this every few minutes, then go about our business in between. And he only gets overwrought when he’s tired, hungry, or stressed anyway.

 

[JackieMom]

Grandmas should be able to spoil their grandkids, and it’s usually okay because they don’t live with them. It’s a treat to go to Grandma’s house and have ice cream for dinner and make tons of messes!

Honestly - is there any way your families could separate households? Your mom just wants to be a grandma, but instead she’s in a parenting role. If that’s not possible, maybe you can work out a deal with her. During the week, it’s all business, and Saturday or Sunday can be “Grandma Day” where she gets to indulge her grandson?

 

[Phil_Marinus]

This is a tough one… not the child have a woobly , but the grand mother… you just have to man up against her and tell her, over a cup of tea in a relaxed manner ,
not getting angry… that a small child always have melt downs… most of the time just walk away from them and ignore them… just like nothing happened… ear plugs are great !
the worst thing you can do is pick them up because you might receive a kick…
… they do grow out of it… people across the road were washing there car with there little boy, he went from screams of joy to screams of demand… they just ignored the latter…
it worked… remember when you have an argument never get angry… because they expect you to get angry, ( The Grandmother ) because that only reinforces there belief that they themselves make a better mother…
Would love to hear from your progress …

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Love and attention are all that is needed as we all know, however, if your Mother spoils your Children (Son) why not allow them both these actions in moderation; without saying a word, given it is a short time that your Son will have his Grandmother around to do these things and your Son will have these beautiful memories in his life for later when hardships really begin.

Perhaps take your Son out of the home more often to the park and other entertainment venues, mixing with Children his own age, reducing the time spent around his Grandmother treating him too much.

That way, your Son will be unable to continue with tantrums within the home and where his Grandmother can hear the tantrums, reducing any negatives in all of your relationships.

When your Son commences a tantrum, teach him that it is unacceptable by going out for a walk (he will learn that there is no audience and he cannot get your Grandmother’s attention and will give up on these), a drive somewhere/visiting friends, playing in the backyard, another distraction, or to his room.

Why not offer a reward system based on the Clock approach and in complete unity with Grandma (your Mother). After your Son has played or done chores (I am not sure of your Son’s age), at morning tea, if his behaviour is fine, he receives a treat from Mum or Grandma. If he has put on tantrums for treats; out he goes playing again until lunch time; the treat will not arrive until afternoon tea time. If he continues with the tantrums; no treat at all that day from either of you. The next day, your Son does not receive a treat given that you and Grandma have agreed that treats only arrive on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for example. A calendar could be put up on the wall or in the kitchen for your Son to understand if he is 4yrs of age+ to comprehend it all.

The first couple of days filled with tantrums are the most difficult as you know, however he will soon learn that putting on tantrums has the opposite effect in which he will not be receiving any treats with that type of behaviour not tolerated by either yourself or his Grandmother (suppressing the treats). If your Mother loves and respects you, wants the best for her Grandson, she will agree.

You are his Parent and Grandma is wonderful for all of her beautiful Love and Support to her Family, however treats are just that; a gift on the odd occasion throughout the week; not on a daily basis.

Your Mother is a wonderful Mum having you and her Family live with her.

Love and best wishes.