Unsupportive parents, who don't understand marriage is a vocation!

[FullOfThought]

I truly believe that marriage is my vocation, I believe my husband and I are here to honor and serve God… with the exception of worshiping Him nothing is more important to me than my marriage. I believe it is my duty to help my husband live happily and get to Heaven, and he believes the same. I believe this is an important teaching in the Catholic faith, is it not?

My parents and my husbands parents have relationships with their spouses that are very different from ours. They think marriage can never be a vocation and that other things (money etc) can be more important than marriage.

My husband and I are not materialistic at all, we live comfortably and don’t want for a flat screen tv or brand new cars… our families just don’t understand that our priorities are saving, getting me through my PhD with as little debt as possible and saving for a down payment on a house.

This week my family have voiced their opinions so loudly, and I asked repeatedly that they stop as respectfully as I could. I would like to blame my hormones but I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I got so mad that I swore and hung up on my parents.

I don’t know how to balance our differences and be respectful at the same time! I have tried avoiding the topics but the comments are continous. Any suggestions? Thank you!

 

[Kelfa28]

I truly believe that marriage is my vocation, I believe my husband and I are here to honor and serve God… with the exception of worshiping Him nothing is more important to me than my marriage. I believe it is my duty to help my husband live happily and get to Heaven, and he believes the same. I believe this is an important teaching in the Catholic faith, is it not?

My parents and my husbands parents have relationships with their spouses that are very different from ours. They think marriage can never be a vocation and that other things (money etc) can be more important than marriage.

My husband and I are not materialistic at all, we live comfortably and don’t want for a flat screen tv or brand new cars… our families just don’t understand that our priorities are saving, getting me through my PhD with as little debt as possible and saving for a down payment on a house.

This week my family have voiced their opinions so loudly, and I asked repeatedly that they stop as respectfully as I could. I would like to blame my hormones but I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I got so mad that I swore and hung up on my parents.

I don’t know how to balance our differences and be respectful at the same time! I have tried avoiding the topics but the comments are continous. Any suggestions? Thank you!

My husband and I are sort of in the same situation. Except we don’t quarrel over finances and other “more important” things with our parents. My parents don’t think marriage is a vocation…despite having a Catholic marriage and having a pretty good marriage regardless. My husband’s parents have multiple divorces between the two of them. Every once in awhile we’ll get into a discussion and have to answer questions about our financial habits. However, we end up shutting people up when one of our parent’s has a crisis and we’re the ones that have the means to bail them out. We have savings and a lot of it and we’ve worked really and sacrificed so much to come about this amount of savings.

Are there opinions that you aren’t enjoying yourselves? It seems to me that you both have your priorities straight. And congrats on your pregnancy and Phd aspirations.
I’d just ignore them and continue to go about your business.

If we here comments we just gently remind them that we own a house and we have a good amount of savings for such a young couple. Plus…no debt!

 

[FullOfThought]

My husband and I are sort of in the same situation. Except we don’t quarrel over finances and other “more important” things with our parents. My parents don’t think marriage is a vocation…despite having a Catholic marriage and having a pretty good marriage regardless. My husband’s parents have multiple divorces between the two of them. Every once in awhile we’ll get into a discussion and have to answer questions about our financial habits. However, we end up shutting people up when one of our parent’s has a crisis and we’re the ones that have the means to bail them out. We have savings and a lot of it and we’ve worked really and sacrificed so much to come about this amount of savings.

Are there opinions that you aren’t enjoying yourselves? It seems to me that you both have your priorities straight. And congrats on your pregnancy and Phd aspirations.
I’d just ignore them and continue to go about your business.

If we here comments we just gently remind them that we own a house and we have a good amount of savings for such a young couple. Plus…no debt!

Thank you!

No the comments are basically all about materialistic things and about us choosing to sacrifice materialistic things to save. We don’t discuss on finances with them, they have no idea how much we make/save, it’s only from what they observe that they have formed these opinions.

 

[Julia_Mae]

My husband and I are not materialistic at all, we live comfortably and don’t want for a flat screen tv or brand new cars… our families just don’t understand that our priorities are saving, getting me through my PhD with as little debt as possible and saving for a down payment on a house.

This week my family have voiced their opinions so loudly, and I asked repeatedly that they stop as respectfully as I could. I would like to blame my hormones but I don’t know if that’s the truth, but I got so mad that I swore and hung up on my parents.!

Did you have a big fight because they want you to buy a TV? Or did you have a big fight because they believe you are acting as if your way of being married is superior to theirs?

Sounds like you and your DH are terrific folks and you two great people came from these parents and their kind of marriage.

 

[Aggies08]

Do you think they see it as your DH controlling you (in an unhealthy fashion)? It can appear that way if you state things like “DH doesn’t want a new car/said no/etc” Be sure you are saying YOU or WE.

We live a very frugal lifestyle, and it took our parents awhile to work out that we don’t WANT xyz mean that- not that we couldn’t not afford it. The more we spoke about our general outlook on finances and our values (NO NUMBERS), things like “yeah, we finished the wills and guardianships so the kids are covered/we will have our mortgage paid off in 5 yrs if we can keep this up!/I love cooking from scratch- I know exactly what we are eating!” the more they have come around to see these things as a decision we’ve made together. Our parents are not religious, therefore we leave religion out unless it’s talking about going to mass when visiting and scheduling.

If you parents bring this up on their own, and begin a litany against you, I’d say, “Mom, that’s our choice. I am going to go now. Talk to you later!” and HANG UP. REPEAT EVERY time it beings. They will get it.

 

[St_Francis]

D …If you parents bring this up on their own, and begin a litany against you, I’d say, “Mom, that’s our choice. I am going to go now. Talk to you later!” and HANG UP. REPEAT EVERY time it beings. They will get it.

Sometimes this is all that will work. I think you did the right thing, except for the swearing part.

 

[kieron123]

What is between a Husband and Wife is between them, as long as they are happy. Live your vocation and ignore the ones who criticise, no matter how much they say. The more attention you give them concerning this, the more power they have against you.

 

[Bill_7154]

I don’t know how to balance our differences and be respectful at the same time! I have tried avoiding the topics but the comments are continous. Any suggestions? Thank you!

You have identified the crux of your problem right here. It could be on any number of different issues but this is what it comes down to.

I struggle with different issues and my relationship with my father. I seek to find a balance where I can communicate with him in a mutually positive way without him overstepping what I consider to be boundaries. When he oversteps my boundaries he does so with my best interests at heart, and does so the only way he knows how to. For me, this can do anything from making me sad to sending me into a tailspin from my PTSD from childhood where my mind is flooded with terrible thoughts and I wind up basically having a nervous breakdown and miss work for a few weeks because I am so overwhelmed with intrusive thougths and emotions I can’t function.

I suggest you set your boundaries, i.e. such and such topic is something that I do not wish to disucss with you. I know you have my best interests at heart, but I have my own beliefs and have choosen my own path in life, it it causes me pain and discomfort when we have any type of discussion on subject matter x.

Again, I realize you have my best interests at heart, and have considered your (name removed by moderator)ut and disussed it with my husband at lenght. I even realize that I may change my mind at some point in the future, but if you respect me, and I hope you do, you will respect my wishes to not discuss topic x with me. If you happen to bring up topic x in conversation on the phone in the future I will remind you of my wish to not discuss it and expect that you drop it immediately. If you persist, I will proptly end the conversation. If we are at your house and you raise topic x, I will remind you… if you persist I will leave immediately.

If you are at my house …I will remind you and then if you persist ask you to leave.

I love you deeply and you will always have my love, but this issue casues me too much pain and discomfort to discuss with you at the present time so I must set these boundaries. If this changes at some point in the future and I become open to disucssing this matter with you I will let you know, but as it stands now your opinions and suggestions are not welcome and hurt me. If you love me and wish to see me not hurt you will try your best to respect my wishes. This way we can have a relationship that I want to have with you, one filled with love and kindness, etc, etc…

You might want to consider sending it in a letter. I, personally, am going to send a thank you card to my father with some sincere comments thanking him without bringing up the limits or pain at all. And then at some point in the future am going to have a conversation with him about my needs for limits in our relationsip, etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

So, when they say “other things (money etc) can be more important than marriage”, they don’t mean *saving *money, I guess.

You’ve made the point about this being a teaching of the faith. Time to realize you are dropping pearls before swine on that count. They either get what you mean, or they don’t. If you are saying it in a way that they are taking wrong, it is still best for you to just drop it. This is now a job for “you have your opinions, I have mine, I guess we each married the right people. Now please drop it.”

They will probably keep voicing their opinions. It is best to act as if you didn’t hear what they said. If they get in your face because you are ignoring them, you can say, “I’m sorry. I thought I heard you talking about stuff that is our business and not yours, but since I’ve asked you to cut that out, I was sure you must be talking to someone else.” If they said they’re talking to you, then say “Oh, well, I think talking to someone else would have been a better bet.” Then go back to ignoring them.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

We go through a lot of similar dealings with our families. Even those who place a high value on living a good, faith-based life take some issue with us applying that to all aspects of our lives. I think some believe that living our faith begins and ends at the church doors. Anything beyond that is viewed as silly, unnecessary or even fanatical. (“You went to Confession? On your own? And it wasn’t your kid’s First Confession?!?”) I’ve also found that not sharing others’ views on things like finances, materialism and sports can breed annoyance and contempt. We’ve cut back on the amount of time we spend with some family members, cut others out entirely, and then do our best to ignore certain comments from others. We’ve spoken our peace so many times that it seems pretty fruitless at this point, so it seems better to either let the comments slide or leave the room when the conversation turns down that path.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Anything beyond that is viewed as silly, unnecessary or even fanatical. (“You went to Confession? On your own? And it wasn’t your kid’s First Confession?!?”) I’ve also found that not sharing others’ views on things like finances, materialism and sports can breed annoyance and contempt. We’ve cut back on the amount of time we spend with some family members, cut others out entirely, and then do our best to ignore certain comments from others. We’ve spoken our peace so many times that it seems pretty fruitless at this point, so it seems better to either let the comments slide or leave the room when the conversation turns down that path…

I feel lucky that our family can remain civilized even though there is a wide spectrum of views on everything from politics to child-rearing.

(Yeah, there are some snarky comments, but they have the good grace to share them out of earshot of the victim…which with siblings, is about as good as you’re going to get. )

I think not a few people are threatened by the idea that either they are failing to do something they ought to do or that an expectation is going to fall on them in their identity as Catholics that they don’t approve of. You know: *I see your brother and his wife in line with us for confession every month. Don’t you have the same mother he did? What’s the matter with you? *They criticize people who might change their status quo.

 

[HopenHappiness]

The mention of not needing a new flat screen TV brought a big grin to my face. As you see, we are paying as we go when we can, unlike all the others in both side of the families who just spend, spend, spend.

The smile was for when we decided to have a family dinner on a Football Sunday, everyone comes over we are enjoying ourselves, had a nice dinner, watching the game and then it hits, what we call hour glass TV. Our old TV picture pops into a shape of an hour glass in the middle of the game. Hubby and I laugh, family members comment, and I give them the standard answer of we just don’t have the money now, but if you would like to buy that big screen TV for us, we will gracefully accept it. Can you believe we had no takers for that offer, after about 5 mins the TV is back to regular screen and all is well.

Now we have had many family dinners with different families, but no one remembers any of them but do remember the ones we have at our house, especially the hour glass TV. You see our house is filled with love and old things, and the art of having fun without the expense. Every once in a while people would say you should buy etc… I just tell them that I don’t need it, but if they feel the need that I do need it feel free to purchase it for us. Most have learned and do not say things, and some have started to adopt our way of paying as you go when you can.

You have your beliefs, so don’t let people get to you. Next time they start up just politely tell them you don’t have the money now, but if they feel the need that you and hubby should have something, feel free to purchase it for you. They really don’t know what to say to that one.

I only once voiced my opinion to a family member about their personal life was when they were expecting a child and was living in a very bad neighborhood and they needed to move, but I did provide a list of apartments that were in their price range and in suitable neighborhoods for a child and offered to help move them. For that they were grateful because they didn’t know of the other neighborhoods.

So hang in there and just think in a couple of years you will be done with school, and moving into your own house without a major financial burden.