Unsure and Confused Part 2

  • Thread starter Thread starter lovely0lovely
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
L

lovely0lovely

Guest
To extend what happened after I saw my now ex bf. So I saw my ex boyfriend after we broke up and I decided to fix things because I care about him. By saying we can fix things etc and he told me
“I don’t want to change and not willing to change”

“Don’t touch me”

" I was never happy with you when we were together."

" I never miss you, and I lied when I said I miss you after we got back together ( he was the that wanted to get back together)."

“When I go on dates, I just feel obligated and I never had any fun.”

“You are probably the only ex gf that I am not going to be friend with because I know how you work, you are probably going to forget about me and move on vice verse.”

After hearing these hurtful comments, I realized he is not a man, and he doesn’t deserve me. I just feel so stupid for believing in him and feel used by him. Moreover, I pity this guy…

So here are my questions:

Can you guys pray for me to have the strength to move on quickly?

What should I do to not allow these comments get to me such as anger?
 
The only advice I can give is that we all make mistakes, but the key is not to make the same mistake twice.

There is no reason to attempt to reattach yourself to a situation that you correctly detached yourself from; that only causes pain. Yes, it is difficult, because of the emotions attached to the situation. But the best thing is to learn from your past mistakes and move on.
 
lovely0lovely said:
To extend what happened after I saw my now ex bf. So I saw my ex boyfriend after we broke up and I decided to fix things because I care about him. By saying we can fix things etc and he told me
“I don’t want to change and not willing to change”

“Don’t touch me”

" I was never happy with you when we were together."

" I never miss you, and I lied when I said I miss you after we got back together ( he was the that wanted to get back together)."

“When I go on dates, I just feel obligated and I never had any fun.”

“You are probably the only ex gf that I am not going to be friend with because I know how you work, you are probably going to forget about me and move on vice verse.”

After hearing these hurtful comments, I realized he is not a man, and he doesn’t deserve me. I just feel so stupid for believing in him and feel used by him. Moreover, I pity this guy…

So here are my questions:

Can you guys pray for me to have the strength to move on quickly?

What should I do to not allow these comments get to me such as anger?
Click to expand...
mayoclinic.org/anger-management/art-20045434

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :angel1:
 
lovely0lovely said:
To extend what happened after I saw my now ex bf. So I saw my ex boyfriend after we broke up and I decided to fix things because I care about him. By saying we can fix things etc and he told me
“I don’t want to change and not willing to change”

“Don’t touch me”

" I was never happy with you when we were together."

" I never miss you, and I lied when I said I miss you after we got back together ( he was the that wanted to get back together)."

“When I go on dates, I just feel obligated and I never had any fun.”

“You are probably the only ex gf that I am not going to be friend with because I know how you work, you are probably going to forget about me and move on vice verse.”

After hearing these hurtful comments, I realized he is not a man, and he doesn’t deserve me. I just feel so stupid for believing in him and feel used by him. Moreover, I pity this guy…

So here are my questions:

Can you guys pray for me to have the strength to move on quickly?

What should I do to not allow these comments get to me such as anger?
Click to expand...
Hmmm…people who say things like that are like when your dog gets hurt and you try to help him and he bites you. IOW, it sounds like pain talking to me. That doesn’t excuse him, I wouldn’t get back together with him, but I also wouldn’t take what he said to heart, believe it was necessarily true, or believe that he wouldn’t come to wish he could take his words back in a better moment. Remember the parable of the ungrateful servant. You don’t need to let go of his comments because he deserves to have you forget them. He doesn’t have an excuse for the things he said. Had they been true they still would have been unnecessarily unkind. Instead, try to let them go in the hope that Heaven will use the same measure with you when you are the one who speaks words that are foolish and harmful. They are the kind of words that would grieve a saint, but as a saint, try to let go of them in the hope that your mercy will win you mercy.
 
Next time make sure you get a man not a wimp. If this is any consolation to you I must tell you a funny incident that happened to me I was going with this guy for over a year and he always told me that he loved me, then after a few rows over serious matters, he turned around and told me I don’t love you, so I said back that was a quick change of your mind, after telling me over a thousand times I love you, I love you, BUT he told me that yes that was true BUT he never told me that he loved me a 100%, so I told him I did not realize that love you came in percentages. That is some men for you. Tell you anything, main thing believe nothing, or keep an open mind.
 
EasterJoy said:
Hmmm…people who say things like that are like when your dog gets hurt and you try to help him and he bites you. IOW, it sounds like pain talking to me. That doesn’t excuse him, I wouldn’t get back together with him, but I also wouldn’t take what he said to heart, believe it was necessarily true, or believe that he wouldn’t come to wish he could take his words back in a better moment. Remember the parable of the ungrateful servant. You don’t need to let go of his comments because he deserves to have you forget them. He doesn’t have an excuse for the things he said. Had they been true they still would have been unnecessarily unkind. Instead, try to let them go in the hope that Heaven will use the same measure with you when you are the one who speaks words that are foolish and harmful. They are the kind of words that would grieve a saint, but as a saint, try to let go of them in the hope that your mercy will win you mercy.
Click to expand...
A very wise post. Forget the words, they came from pain and pride. Forget the man, that is where the pride is and where the pain will come from.
 
I’d avoid the old boyfriend like the plague. This will not be easy for you incidentally.

You said elsewhere on another thread (here)
and other factors such as I wasn’t ready to meet his friends, and him watch porn,
Click to expand...
This is a proverbial deal breaker for your situation (dating). If you put up with that (him viewing porn), it will enter into your marriage, effect YOU, effect your children, effect how he looks at you, effect how he ignores you, effect his job, effect, effect, effect.

I’d forgive him (that doesn’t mean you should try to get back together, it just means you will forgive him. God put him in your life for a reason. You may be the only person that prays for this guy directly so pray for him . . . but don’t be his bimbo. This will help you and it will help him).

Go over your relationship in detail in an appointment Confession with a good Catholic Priest (I am not accusing you, but some of this may have been your own fault without you even knowing it and the Priest may help you to see this so this does not occur in a future relationship).

Avoid even the near-occasions to sin for you . . . . and for him.

In other words repeat number one above (avoid him like the plague). Don’t talk on the phone, text, be FB friends, etc. You are preparing for a possible future relationship with someone else and it is not appropriate for you to bring that baggage into a new relationship beyond what has occurred.

And if you are really serious about this . . . . . I also recommend Eucharistic Adoration (see also here, here, and here), frequent Confession, and some fasting under the direction of a good Catholic Priest (perhaps bread and water for lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays or meatless Fridays or a meatless period from Thursday evening to Friday evening—discuss all of this with your Priest for a commissioned-by-Jesus outside source or permission on specifics though).

About a half to a full hour each week minimum in Eucharistic Adoration. Discuss all of this with Jesus personally. This is a tremendous gift that many people just ignore. Oh how thankful you will be that you spent personal time with our Lord Jesus in the next world.

Oh and one last thing. Foster your relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is a proverbial secret weapon that God gives those that want to go “the extra mile” in the Christian life. If you pray the Rosary, continue to do so. If you don’t pray the Rosary, may I recommend one decade of the Rosary a day? Our Blessed Mother will draw your heart from there.

If you have a tough time concentrating on the mysteries while praying the Rosary, try a “Scriptural Rosary” to help keep your focus (here, here, here, and here)

Hope this all helps. I’ll keep both of you in my prayers.

God bless.

Cathoholic
 
The anger goes away bit by bit slowly. You have to play tricks on yourself to shake yourself out of it. I know this may sound prideful, but it does help to say to yourself from time to time “he is really missing out, I am a really great friend” (pretty, fun, etc.) Say it out loud when you are really feeling it and smile.

Counseling helped me, because I could cry, let out my anger, talk about my feelings.

I looked at your other thread. I see you were friends for a long time before you dated. I had a similar situation. It is really hard to know what to do after a break up when you were friends first for so long. It feels almost like you should go back to being friends, but it turns out you can’t if there was a good reason you can’t work as a couple. It is sad because you lose not just a boyfriend, but a friend. And I think as females we natually feel friends should make up. But when someone treats you so unkindly, they are not a good friend. It takes awhile to get over that betrayal of trust you put in him and the loss, but you will get over it, amazingly so.

I don’t believe we make mistakes, so I don’t believe you made a mistake. I believe you had an experience with another person that had both good and bad and now it is time for a change. You seemed to have recognized that it would be good for you to move on. You just need strength and to tell yourself better things will come.

I don’t believe we have “soul mates” here on earth. What we have, though, are many chances to find friendship, love, and happiness with people who will be good for us.

I am sorry you had to hear the things your ex bf said to you. Celebrate that you will no longer hear anything like that again! 🙂
 
TheWarriorMonk said:

“The only advice I can give is that we all make mistakes, but the key is not to make the same mistake twice.”

Yes!

It should make it just a little easier to move on that he doesn’t want to get back together.

Get really busy, and don’t try to be friends.
 
Thank you for the prayers and helpful tips. I doing better and better each day. 🙂 I am truly blessed to have wonderful friends rotating watching and keeping me busy all day yesterday, today and probably many days ahead.
 
Celtic_Maiden said:
Next time make sure you get a man not a wimp. If this is any consolation to you I must tell you a funny incident that happened to me I was going with this guy for over a year and he always told me that he loved me, then after a few rows over serious matters, he turned around and told me I don’t love you, so I said back that was a quick change of your mind, after telling me over a thousand times I love you, I love you, BUT he told me that yes that was true BUT he never told me that he loved me a 100%, so I told him I did not realize that love you came in percentages. That is some men for you. Tell you anything, main thing believe nothing, or keep an open mind.
Click to expand...
I find that hilarious similar to my situation just few days ago my ex bf would tell me he loves me every night, but now I know he never meant it.
 
Cathoholic said:
I’d avoid the old boyfriend like the plague. This will not be easy for you incidentally.

You said elsewhere on another thread (here)

This is a proverbial deal breaker for your situation (dating). If you put up with that (him viewing porn), it will enter into your marriage, effect YOU, effect your children, effect how he looks at you, effect how he ignores you, effect his job, effect, effect, effect.

I’d forgive him (that doesn’t mean you should try to get back together, it just means you will forgive him. God put him in your life for a reason. You may be the only person that prays for this guy directly so pray for him . . . but don’t be his bimbo. This will help you and it will help him).

Go over your relationship in detail in an appointment Confession with a good Catholic Priest (I am not accusing you, but some of this may have been your own fault without you even knowing it and the Priest may help you to see this so this does not occur in a future relationship).

Avoid even the near-occasions to sin for you . . . . and for him.

In other words repeat number one above (avoid him like the plague). Don’t talk on the phone, text, be FB friends, etc. You are preparing for a possible future relationship with someone else and it is not appropriate for you to bring that baggage into a new relationship beyond what has occurred.

And if you are really serious about this . . . . . I also recommend Eucharistic Adoration (see also here, here, and here), frequent Confession, and some fasting under the direction of a good Catholic Priest (perhaps bread and water for lunch on Wednesdays and Fridays or meatless Fridays or a meatless period from Thursday evening to Friday evening—discuss all of this with your Priest for a commissioned-by-Jesus outside source or permission on specifics though).

About a half to a full hour each week minimum in Eucharistic Adoration. Discuss all of this with Jesus personally. This is a tremendous gift that many people just ignore. Oh how thankful you will be that you spent personal time with our Lord Jesus in the next world.

Oh and one last thing. Foster your relationship with the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is a proverbial secret weapon that God gives those that want to go “the extra mile” in the Christian life. If you pray the Rosary, continue to do so. If you don’t pray the Rosary, may I recommend one decade of the Rosary a day? Our Blessed Mother will draw your heart from there.

If you have a tough time concentrating on the mysteries while praying the Rosary, try a “Scriptural Rosary” to help keep your focus (here, here, here, and here)

Hope this all helps. I’ll keep both of you in my prayers.

God bless.

Cathoholic
Click to expand...
The thing I will miss probably the most would be going to church together with him. I been to church just few times alone, and it doesn’t feel as comfortable as going together with someone else. I am just wondering how do you overcome the feeling of loneliness when you go to church alone?
 
lovely0lovely said:
The thing I will miss probably the most would be going to church together with him. I been to church just few times alone, and it doesn’t feel as comfortable as going together with someone else. I am just wondering how do you overcome the feeling of loneliness when you go to church alone?
Click to expand...
I truly understand you missing that as I experienced the same. However, not to wax philosophical, I believe loneliness is existential. Running from it or being anxious about avoiding it seems to cause problems. I think being lonely sometimes allows us to appreciate more the times we spend with those with whom we have a connection. So, I believe a certain amount of loneliness is ok. Additionally, from a practical standpoint, when I attend mass alone (99.9% of the time for me), I think I maintain better focus on prayer and the mass.
 
One of the best things I did after a break up was to burn every word the guy had ever written to me. I kept whatever “stuff” I decided I liked, but I figured that if we got back together, we’d be starting from scratch. I figured I’d remember the good parts and be able to forget the parts that just made me bitter (in the light of later actions to the contrary), and that is just how it worked. The ritual of burning that stuff was very cleansing. When I’d run into him, it helped to have done that. Not every break-up is like that, but yours seems to be. Just a thought, in case you think it might work for you.
 
lovely0lovely said:
The thing I will miss probably the most would be going to church together with him. I been to church just few times alone, and it doesn’t feel as comfortable as going together with someone else. I am just wondering how do you overcome the feeling of loneliness when you go to church alone?
Click to expand...
Reach out to others at the church. Introduce yourself to those you sit next to and when you see them again, say hello and ask how their week was. (Be careful not to be too outgoing with men. I had a couple attach themselves to me, ask me to lunch, and think more of it than fellowship. It is just ackward. If ladies ask you to breakfast or lunch, that is good to accept.)

Join a small faith group if you can. If you like to sing, perhaps you can join a choir.

I am the only one in my family that still goes to church. I am single and unattached. I am in the choir and have made friends with some people who sit near us. I feel like I have another family at church, even though it is not as close as my actual family.
 
Also, looking at your other thread, you are on a different spiritual journey than he is. It seems you knew that and sensed that it was time to take that path without him. It is not easy, of course.

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself and his words hurt so much that it takes the focus off that. Focus on how right this is for you.
 
CAROLOFTHEBELLS said:
Also, looking at your other thread, you are on a different spiritual journey than he is. It seems you knew that and sensed that it was time to take that path without him. It is not easy, of course.

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself and his words hurt so much that it takes the focus off that. Focus on how right this is for you.
Click to expand...
Yes, I agree and right now it is important that I move on and focus on school and god. I would like to be friend again with him, but his words were too harsh. He would need to apologize to me,gain my trust and I would have to move on completely in order to be his friend again. The only thing right now I fear is my sleep because I would wake up with cold sweats.
 
EasterJoy said:
One of the best things I did after a break up was to burn every word the guy had ever written to me. I kept whatever “stuff” I decided I liked, but I figured that if we got back together, we’d be starting from scratch. I figured I’d remember the good parts and be able to forget the parts that just made me bitter (in the light of later actions to the contrary), and that is just how it worked. The ritual of burning that stuff was very cleansing. When I’d run into him, it helped to have done that. Not every break-up is like that, but yours seems to be. Just a thought, in case you think it might work for you.
Click to expand...
I decide that I am going to return his stuff because I no longer want him in my life.
 
Today, I got a letter from my professor reminding me who I was. In the letter she wrote, "You motivated everyone around you;your determination is contagious. You like to make people laugh, and your smile can brighten the darkest room… Which made me realized I wasn’t happy with my ex bf, and I let my smile faded away. His indirect judgements and pressured made me question myself/ changing myself for his needs. I can now go back to laughing and realizing how fun life can be. It is been a while since I truly smile. A blessing under a disguise. 🙂
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top