Unusual question about dating....and how to handle it cuz im lost!?

  • Thread starter Thread starter cantthinkofanam
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
C

cantthinkofanam

Guest
Hey all here this is my first post.

I have a serious question about a relationship I’m in with a girl. This might take a while but I’m pretty unsure of what to do, thanks for anyone who reads this :o

So, I’m a senior in highschool and I have a girlfriend. She is a great girl, we laugh together, she is smart, she is interesting, shes talented, shes pretty and we enjoy so many things together (board games, walks, movies, cuddling, eating, etc.)

Also, a big thing for me is shes a strong Catholic. She has always been strongly pro life and after we’ve been going out she has been more traditional in other areas and we pray together daily which is so great!

**Now this is the problem that I have, and I knew this before we started dating but the issue won’t go away: ** She consideres herself to be bisexual. To me, I don’t think it should affect our relationship. She doesn’t make it a big deal, she doesn’t talk about it. She doesn’t think its okay either. Shes not into gay pride or any of that. She accepts Church teaching in that area completely. She knows gay marriage/sex are wrong. She knows the orientation is objectively disordered. Still, for me it can be tough and I’m looking for some advice, especially from a Christian perspective. I want to be kind, I want to be charitable and I want to be able to have a good relationship. BUT its hard to accept that shes bi. She has never acted on it in any way but it still is odd and no offence to anyone but sort of creepy to me. Sometimes I just forget it but other times it really can hurt our relationship. I can’t tell her that but little things that wouldn’t bother me do becaue I see it through that lens. I don’t want to and I don’t want to see her different, she likes boys, she likes me, and she likes boys better. Its just weird she also likes girls. I struggle when we discuss some things, even those unrelated to sexuality because I subconsously make a weird connection. For example, if she is walking with a girl I don’t get jealous but I get a little weirded like “I think that girl is hot, so does she???” or when she talks about music, totally unrelated, I sometimes think of it as her way of expressing her inner bi…not that music is weird or anything, I love it, its just the connection I sometimes make with her music. So it isn’t right but I am having trouble. If there is any advice that would be great. I don’t mean to offend anyone here. I don’t dislike gays, I just don’t know what to do. How do I keep this relationship and get beyond this one issue? Prayers and comments are greatly appreciated! 🙂
JIM
 
Hi Jim,
I don’t think you’re supposed to get over these odd feelings, and reservations. These are real concerns. It’s reality that she can be tempted by other guys or gals. At the gym she will often see other women naked. Her current faith is holding her in check, but most people go through times when they doubt their faith. If this should happen to her after marriage, she may ditch her faith & fully embrace the gay lifestyle. How would this impact your future children… Her bisexuality bothers you, and it should.
 
It’s likely that she can’t do anything to prevent her temptations from occuring, just like you can’t do anything to prevent yours (it’s what we do once we experience those temptations that we will be held responsible for).

I think the more important question is: is God calling you to marry this woman? If the answer is “yes” then I don’t think that it should matter whether she experiences same-sex temptations or not, just as long as she is striving for personal holiness in this life and is making heaven her greatest focus.

God never gives us more then we can handle, and if your gf is being tempted with more serious sins would it not stand to reason that God is also giving her even greater means to defeat these temptations?
40.png
cantthinkofanam:
and we enjoy so many things together (board games, walks, movies, cuddling, eating, etc.)
Click to expand...
I know this is off-topic, but you do realize that becoming sexually aroused outside of marriage can be a mortal sin, right? (I am concerned that both you and your gf might be putting your souls in danger with this sort of activity)

God bless!
 
Pray about it. I’ll do a little bit of that here.

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death
Amen.

St. Jude, pray for them!
 
Hi there,

You need to focus in your relationship with her, I dont think it makes a difference if the other person is willing to cheat on you with a man or woman or if she is walking with another guy or girl, is just not right… What matters is her nature!!

You need to establish a relationship based in trust and honesty.
You need to talk to her about how you feel about certain situations that you will not tolerate and behaviors.
What is affecting you here is insecurity from your part, cause you are worrying thinking “oh my God I have to worry about man and woman too…” She was honest to tell you how she is and if you think she is a good girl, you should respect her by what she is and how she acts.

They are many “straight” individuals that dont care about hurting the other person by doing things they should not have done.

Best luck and analyze my words 👍
 
cantthinkofanam said:
For example, if she is walking with a girl I don’t get jealous but I get a little weirded like “I think that girl is hot, so does she!?!?”
Click to expand...
Ummm imagine you were her and she thought, man that girl is hot… gosh I wonder if he is thinking that. It goes both ways, doesn’t matter that one of them is bi feelings. Both are ok so long as kept in check. So you recognizing that some other girl is hot is just as fine as her doing so so long as its all kept in check. If she acts on her other attractions just as you act on your other attractions then what does it matter?
 
Regina_Love said:
Hi Jim,
I don’t think you’re supposed to get over these odd feelings, and reservations. These are real concerns. It’s reality that she can be tempted by other guys or gals. At the gym she will often see other women naked. Her current faith is holding her in check, but most people go through times when they doubt their faith. If this should happen to her after marriage, she may ditch her faith & fully embrace the gay lifestyle. How would this impact your future children… Her bisexuality bothers you, and it should.
Click to expand...
I think it is absolute lunacy to plan your life on the expectation that your brothers and sisters will apostatize and stab both you and Christ in the back. She has a temptation that by the grace of God she is fighting.
 
Years ago young folks with these desires kept them close to the vest because they feared being ostracized by their peers. The vast majority would out grow those raging hormone driven impulses and eventually settle down to a ‘normal’ life.

Sure it’s a perversion, but the ‘socially accepting’ attitude of today is the result of the poison they indoctrinate our children with in school. Instead of advising the sexually immature to use self disciple to restrain our emotions children are urged to experiment with sex to find what grove works best for them.

It’s the old strategy of divide and conquer, just another assault on the traditional family unit…the real threat to big government.

I recommend finding a more traditional girl.
 
Inego_de_Loyola said:
I think it is absolute lunacy to plan your life on the expectation that your brothers and sisters will apostatize and stab both you and Christ in the back. She has a temptation that by the grace of God she is fighting.
Click to expand...
Amen, amen, amen. And I mean, if someone drops his/her faith and begins to live godlessly, does it really matter so much whether they will are hetero, homo, bi or whatever else?
 
Carolus_Martell said:
Years ago young folks with these desires kept them close to the vest because they feared being ostracized by their peers. The vast majority would out grow those raging hormone driven impulses and eventually settle down to a ‘normal’ life.

Sure it’s a perversion, but the ‘socially accepting’ attitude of today is the result of the poison they indoctrinate our children with in school. Instead of advising the sexually immature to use self disciple to restrain our emotions children are urged to experiment with sex to find what grove works best for them.

It’s the old strategy of divide and conquer, just another assault on the traditional family unit…the real threat to big government.

I recommend finding a more traditional girl.
Click to expand...
What?! You mean that she would be okay if she kept silent? That’s being more traditional?

Notice, you just said: well, there has always been people with these tendencies, but before they kept silent, now they promote it. So, find a more traditional girl. What on earth?! Didn’t you just say that this problem has always been present? So, if this girl accepts and respects church teaching, what’s her problem, what makes her “untraditional”? Being honest about her problems?
 
Carolus_Martell said:
Years ago young folks with these desires kept them close to the vest because they feared being ostracized by their peers. The vast majority would out grow those raging hormone driven impulses and eventually settle down to a ‘normal’ life.

Sure it’s a perversion, but the ‘socially accepting’ attitude of today is the result of the poison they indoctrinate our children with in school. Instead of advising the sexually immature to use self disciple to restrain our emotions children are urged to experiment with sex to find what grove works best for them.

It’s the old strategy of divide and conquer, just another assault on the traditional family unit…the real threat to big government.

I recommend finding a more traditional girl.
Click to expand...
Did you even read the OP? There is no evidence that this girl has “raging hormones” nor is she being undisciplined sexually. She, against her own will, experiences certain attractions. She does not\b] act on those attractions. The only reason for the OP to be looking for another girl is so that this one can find a man who can accept her as she is, she deserves that.
 
Some people here are being harsh to a girl that as far as we know hasn’t done anything wrong, why the hate?
 
I guess I don’t see an issue. No matter who you date she will always find other people attractive. This girl just happens to be attracted to members of both genders. The fact that she’s so committed to not acting on that attraction to others says a lot about her loyalty.

I really don’t get this line of thought that being gay or bi is not sinful unless you act on it but even so someone who is bi and doesn’t act on it is not worth being with. Really, why do so many want to condemn her to loneliness even though she has done nothing wrong? That just seems hateful.
 
Well I am a bisexual woman living chastely in a straight sacramental marriage. You are lucky she is honest with you, most bisexuals are afraid to admit it to their significant other, especially Christian ones, because it is very scary how your partner may react. It is a struggle like any other. As far as I know, she is living chastely and that is admirable. I wouldn’t worry about it. She seems to be a wonderful girl, cherish her.
 
Thankyou everyone for your replies so far !

I don’t want to end our relationship and I do really trust her. I think she is an honest and good person. My biggest thing is that I really want to be able to get past this issue if possible but I’m having trouble. I know I should its just not what I’m used to. I also don’t know how to relate this to her, IOW I can’t tell her that its creating an issue, she would be hurt. But I’m worried if I don’t say anything it will make the issue worse. I don’t really understand how she sees it from her perspective, if she would even consider I would have trouble accepting this.
(Not that of course I would accept the orientation as natural or ordered but that I can accept her and basically forget and ignore the orientation) - Sometimes I can do this fine but other times it just gets to me and this problem makes any other minor problem worse.
Thanks for the help!
MidnightSun12 said:
I know this is off-topic, but you do realize that becoming sexually aroused outside of marriage can be a mortal sin, right? (I am concerned that both you and your gf might be putting your souls in danger with this sort of activity)

God bless!
Click to expand...
Thanks, yes I’m aware. We both make sure we don’t place ourselves in danger of consenting to any immoral pleasure.
 
cantthinkofanam said:
Thankyou everyone for your replies so far !

I don’t want to end our relationship and I do really trust her. I think she is an honest and good person. My biggest thing is that I really want to be able to get past this issue if possible but I’m having trouble. I know I should its just not what I’m used to. I also don’t know how to relate this to her, IOW I can’t tell her that its creating an issue, she would be hurt. But I’m worried if I don’t say anything it will make the issue worse. I don’t really understand how she sees it from her perspective, if she would even consider I would have trouble accepting this.
(Not that of course I would accept the orientation as natural or ordered but that I can accept her and basically forget and ignore the orientation) - Sometimes I can do this fine but other times it just gets to me and this problem makes any other minor problem worse.
Thanks for the help!

Thanks, yes I’m aware. We both make sure we don’t place ourselves in danger of consenting to any immoral pleasure.
Click to expand...
Yeah it is a difficult situation, but one that if you can’t get over you really should do the charitable thing and end it, she deserves to be with someone who can accept her for who she is. Unfortunately I don’t really have much advice for you beyond what you already know, you need to be able to come to terms with the fact that this is a part of who she is, it is normal and natural for her to feel this way just as it is normal and natural for you to feel the way you do about women. Thats not to say its something that should be acted on, but it is just as natural and instinctive to her as you being attracted to women is. Its just the way things are and it is not wrong that for her to feel that way. I think it is important for you to realize this if you are going to be able to accept her as she is.
 
The thing to do is to distance yourself from these thoughts. You didn’t invite them, so treat them like any temptation and purposefully reject them. I wouldn’t leave her over this as it would cause you both unnecessary pain and heartache.
 
I also have SSA, and so does my soon-to-be-husband. On one hand, it has been easier for us to deal with because we understand how the other feels, but maybe I can still offer some useful thoughts.

-Yes, SSA is objectively disordered, however it is not, in and of itself, sinful. I know you know this, but it bears repeating. We are tempted to all sorts of things, sexual or otherwise, and we fight those temptations daily. Everyone has different temptations. While other people don’t have SSA specifically, I don’t feel much of a temptation to shoplift, yet I try to empathize with the struggles shoplifters face.

-She told you. This is really important. I don’t think a relationship is healthy if something like this is kept secret (and also can be a reason for an annulment if it’s not disclosed)

-She accepts Church teaching. That’s the main thing. Second guessing each other about this doesn’t work. If you trust her to be honest with you about other issues, trust her to be honest on this one too.
  1. If there’s something bothering you, or you’re just curious, ask! I know I tend to be happy to answer questions when asked, and don’t take it in a bad way, I don’t think she would, either. I think it’s better to ask than stew over it by yourself.
-About the locker room/holding hands with female friends, etc. thing. Weather one has SSA or not, we all have to keep custody of the eyes. If you need to do this for both genders, it might be a bit more work, but we’re totally capable of it. I hold hands with my female friends all the time, as well as with my sister. It’s not weird. At all. For friends I find particularly attractive, I make sure to not look at them inappropriately, change positions if I happen to see down their shirt when we’re lying on a couch, etc. It’s all about redirecting sexual thoughts towards sisterly love and friendship.

-She probably has her own preferences for how open she is about her temptations. For a very long time, only my fiance and my confessor knew. I’ve become a bit more open since, recognizing that knowing there exist Catholics with SSA who live by Church teaching may help others. My fiance is completely open. There’s a wide spectrum that’s healthy, so don’t be alarmed if she’s at either end, or moves her disclosure preferences over time.

-Something we discussed at length is how open we’d be with our children about our SSA – I think this is an important topic if you’re seriously discerning marriage (and if you’re in a relationship, you should be seriously discerning marriage)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top