Unwanted Divorce Question

[limabeanerson]

My wife and I are having some problems (she says she is no longer happy). I 100% want to work it out and am 100% committed. She even acknowledges that I’m trying to improve but says she just doesn’t feel happy anymore and thinks our marriage is over.

While I am certainly not giving up hope at all, I do have a practical question.

In the event that she does leave and we have to tell the kids, is it better (for the kids) to ‘pretend’ that it is a mutual decision or do they have the right to know that I am 100% against breaking up our family.

I’m not looking to point fingers or ‘turn the kids against their mother’ here or anything, but it will undoubtedly come up when they want to know why this is happening. It seems like it would be lying if I am not honest about it.

Anyway, first and foremost please pray for my marriage that it will be healed. Beyond that, any advice or thoughts you have are most appreciated.

God Bless

Michael

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

Don’t let her off the hook. Assuming you’re not cheating, beating her, or a drunken layabout, there is no need to cover for her so she can have an “Eat, Pray, Love” experience. Don’t trash her, but don’t roll over and make it easy for her either. The kids have a right to know who is nuking the family. I hope it works out.

 

[limabeanerson]

Don’t let her off the hook. Assuming you’re not cheating, beating her, or a drunken layabout, there is no need to cover for her so she can have an “Eat, Pray, Love” experience. Don’t trash her, but don’t roll over and make it easy for her either. The kids have a right to know who is nuking the family. I hope it works out.

Thanks for the advice. That is what I’m thinking too so far (God willing, she will not leave!)

Just so everyone has the facts - I’m not cheating (she actually has in the past). I don’t ever hit her or the kids (neither does she). I almost never drink (an occasional dram of Whiskey but not to excess). I am definitely not a ‘layabout’. lol. I have had a good stable job for 16 years now plus I do a ‘work from home’ side gig for extra cash so she can be a stay at home mom (which is what she wants).

God Bless

Michael

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My wife and I are having some problems (she says she is no longer happy). I 100% want to work it out and am 100% committed. She even acknowledges that I’m trying to improve but says she just doesn’t feel happy anymore and thinks our marriage is over.

While I am certainly not giving up hope at all, I do have a practical question.

In the event that she does leave and we have to tell the kids, is it better (for the kids) to ‘pretend’ that it is a mutual decision or do they have the right to know that I am 100% against breaking up our family.

I’m not looking to point fingers or ‘turn the kids against their mother’ here or anything, but it will undoubtedly come up when they want to know why this is happening. It seems like it would be lying if I am not honest about it.

Anyway, first and foremost please pray for my marriage that it will be healed. Beyond that, any advice or thoughts you have are most appreciated.

God Bless

Michael

Why in the world would you lie to your kids and tell them you don’t want to be married to thier mommy?!

That is not a good sword to fall on.

 

[Oneofthewomen]

Don’t let her off the hook. Assuming you’re not cheating, beating her, or a drunken layabout, there is no need to cover for her so she can have an “Eat, Pray, Love” experience. Don’t trash her, but don’t roll over and make it easy for her either. The kids have a right to know who is nuking the family. I hope it works out.

I am not sure if I agree with this advice.

I don’t believe that parents should ever share their marital issues with their children, especially if they are young.

I was just about 21 when my parents separated after nearly 24 years of marriage. My mom told me “Your father doesn’t want to be part of this family anymore.”
And while that may have been true, and I was an adult, it was a difficult thing for me to learn to accept. In fact, I am still dealing with some of the repercussions 25 years later.

Children, even adult children, don’t need to be involved in their parents relationship.

 

[1ke]

I am so sorry for your current troubles. I am sure it is very difficult for you, given that you want to save your marriage and she seems set against it.

I do hope she’ll consider going to a program like Retrouvaille or counseling with your priest or a professional counselor, preferably Catholic.

As to your question, I would not lie. Lying is wrong, and kids will figure it out eventually. I would not go out of my way to point out that their mother is solely responsible, but I also wouldn’t lie if asked if I want a divorce.

 

[limabeanerson]

I am not sure if I agree with this advice.

I don’t believe that parents should ever share their marital issues with their children, especially if they are young.

I was just about 21 when my parents separated after nearly 24 years of marriage. My mom told me “Your father doesn’t want to be part of this family anymore.”
And while that may have been true, and I was an adult, it was a difficult thing for me to learn to accept. In fact, I am still dealing with some of the repercussions 25 years later.

Children, even adult children, don’t need to be involved in their parents relationship.

This is a concern I have too. I don’t want to get the kids involved in the issues and I certainly don’t want them to have negative feelings for their mother!

If my wife leaves, however, the kids will ask questions like, “Why can’t mom live here anymore” or something to that effect. The honest answer would be, “Mom is more than welcome to live here and I never wanted her to go!” What type of answer would you recommend?

What potentially makes this more difficult is I don’t think the kids have any idea that there are marital problems. We never fight with them around and even when we do fight we don’t yell or anything like that.

I want to minimize the damage to the children she would be causing by ending the marriage.

God Bless

Michael

 

[limabeanerson]

I am so sorry for your current troubles. I am sure it is very difficult for you, given that you want to save your marriage and she seems set against it.

I do hope she’ll consider going to a program like Retrouvaille or counseling with your priest or a professional counselor, preferably Catholic.

As to your question, I would not lie. Lying is wrong, and kids will figure it out eventually. I would not go out of my way to point out that their mother is solely responsible, but I also wouldn’t lie if asked if I want a divorce.

She will not go to counseling (she says they can’t help ). She said she would go to Retrouvaille a couple weeks ago, but now seems against it. I’m still pushing for it so hopefully I can get her to agree!

God Bless

Michael

 

[Patavium]

Thanks for the advice. That is what I’m thinking too so far (God willing, she will not leave!)

Just so everyone has the facts - I’m not cheating (she actually has in the past). I don’t ever hit her or the kids (neither does she). I almost never drink (an occasional dram of Whiskey but not to excess). I am definitely not a ‘layabout’. lol. I have had a good stable job for 16 years now plus I do a ‘work from home’ side gig for extra cash so she can be a stay at home mom (which is what she wants).

God Bless

Michael

Don’t lie to your children. Tell the truth.

Also, she has cheated in the past. She might be cheating again, and could be the reason why she is saying this. You need to keep your eyes open for this possibility.

 

[limabeanerson]

Don’t lie to your children. Tell the truth.

Also, she has cheated in the past. She might be cheating again, and could be the reason why she is saying this. You need to keep your eyes open for this possibility.

It is certainly a possibility. I would not be at all surprised if she is.

 

[Xantippe]

Thanks for the advice. That is what I’m thinking too so far (God willing, she will not leave!)

Just so everyone has the facts - I’m not cheating (she actually has in the past). I don’t ever hit her or the kids (neither does she). I almost never drink (an occasional dram of Whiskey but not to excess). I am definitely not a ‘layabout’. lol. I have had a good stable job for 16 years now plus I do a ‘work from home’ side gig for extra cash so she can be a stay at home mom (which is what she wants).

God Bless

Michael

Does your wife understand that she almost certainly won’t be a SAHM anymore if you get a divorce?

 

[1ke]

If my wife leaves, however, the kids will ask questions like, “Why can’t mom live here anymore” or something to that effect. The honest answer would be, “Mom is more than welcome to live here and I never wanted her to go!” What type of answer would you recommend?

Whenever questions like that come up, it is best to redirect the children. Affirm them, affirm that you and mom love them. I

My answer would be, “Mom is going through a difficult time right now, so we need to focus on our love for her.”

I’d speak to a child therapist who deals with children of divorce to come up with appropriate replies.

How old are your children?

 

[IrishAm]

I suggest you take the high road and not speak ill of your children’s mother to them. They will draw their own conclusions through the years in any case and you will be the better person for not saying anything negative, just keeping it neutral.

And, yes, I would say the same thing to a mother about a father, regardless of the situation.

 

[limabeanerson]

Does your wife understand that she almost certainly won’t be a SAHM anymore if you get a divorce?

Yes - But I’m not sure she has really thought it through too well what that would really mean for her.

God Bless

Michael

 

[Xantippe]

I suggest you take the high road and not speak ill of your children’s mother to them. They will draw their own conclusions through the years in any case and you will be the better person for not saying anything negative, just keeping it neutral.

And, yes, I would say the same thing to a mother about a father, regardless of the situation.

Particularly if an insta-stepfather appears, it will be easy for older children to draw their own conclusions.

And if an insta-stepfather does not appear, you guys have a shot at reconciliation. Lots of people manage to reconcile after separation and even divorce.

 

[limabeanerson]

Whenever questions like that come up, it is best to redirect the children. Affirm them, affirm that you and mom love them. I

My answer would be, “Mom is going through a difficult time right now, so we need to focus on our love for her.”

I’d speak to a child therapist who deals with children of divorce to come up with appropriate replies.

How old are your children?

I suggest you take the high road and not speak ill of your children’s mother to them. They will draw their own conclusions through the years in any case and you will be the better person for not saying anything negative, just keeping it neutral.

And, yes, I would say the same thing to a mother about a father, regardless of the situation.

Good advice from both of you. Try to keep it neutral and focus on our love for the kids and on our love for their mother, yet still not lying. I think it will be a fine line to walk if it comes to it.

God Bless

Michael

 

[Xantippe]

Yes - But I’m not sure she has really thought it through too well what that would really mean for her.

God Bless

Michael

Ask her.

“How do you see this playing out for you?”

Pull out your budgets, look up child support payments and rental costs, and ask her to figure out how she plans to carry 80+ percent of your current expenses on 50% of your current household income or (to put it differently), how your current household income can support two households.

You guys will probably need to sell your house unless it’s very modest. If you have any difficulty right now carrying the mortgage, it will become impossible after a divorce.

If she intends to work after divorce, encourage her to start now and see how she feels about it. It’s not unlikely that she will realize that if both of you are working, you will need more, not less cooperation.

In fact, if there are any reasonable changes that she plans to do after a divorce (get a job, see a therapist, etc.), encourage her to do those things now.

 

[styrgwillidar]

My wife and I are having some problems (she says she is no longer happy). I 100% want to work it out and am 100% committed. She even acknowledges that I’m trying to improve but says she just doesn’t feel happy anymore and thinks our marriage is over.

While I am certainly not giving up hope at all, I do have a practical question.

In the event that she does leave and we have to tell the kids, is it better (for the kids) to ‘pretend’ that it is a mutual decision or do they have the right to know that I am 100% against breaking up our family.

I’m not looking to point fingers or ‘turn the kids against their mother’ here or anything, but it will undoubtedly come up when they want to know why this is happening. It seems like it would be lying if I am not honest about it.

Anyway, first and foremost please pray for my marriage that it will be healed. Beyond that, any advice or thoughts you have are most appreciated.

God Bless

Michael

Since you want to reconcile, and I’m assuming you’re praying for that as will I, it would be self defeating to say anything regarding what/who is driving this. Tell them its a mom/dad thing and that you still love them. If your kids are smart, they’ll figure it out without any (name removed by moderator)ut from you.

Note, I said for you to only say that you love them. You can’t speak for your wife’s feelings, and frankly, kids are very good at seeing through BS. You honestly have no idea how your wife feels about them now, and how she will feel about them in the future. If she can’t keep her vow to love you, than she certainly can lose or discard her feelings for her kids. It happens, believe me. One of the things my kids held against me was my assuring them of their mother’s love when putting them to bed in the year or so prior to separation/divorce, when her actions a short time later demonstrated quite emphatically that was a lie.

You look your kids in the eye, and say this is a thing between you and their mom. They have a right to establish whatever relationship they can/need to with their mother free from any interference/influence from you. They may in fact resent things and hold against you things they perceive as attempts to bias them against their mother.

My son blamed me for a while, he assumed I’d made mom leave since he couldn’t comprehend a mom wanting to do that on her own. He even reminded me I’d made a life-long promise and that this was wrong! He did figure it out after a few weeks though, again, his mother’s actions made it obvious.

Funny thing about kids, when they know a solemn vow has been broken they don’t really trust words from folks who they see breaking it, they watch what they do. Talk is cheap, whisky costs money.

Always try and keep in mind what is in the long term best interests of your children, your wife, and yourself.

 

[Kelfa28]

I definitely think she is cheating again.

She’s cheated in the past and is now telling you the marriage isn’t going to work.

She’s found someone else.

Don’t lie to the kids. They deserve to know the truth. Besides…if she’s lied to you in the past she could easily lie to the kids and tell them that this is your fault and not hers.

 

[Xantippe]

Since you want to reconcile, and I’m assuming you’re praying for that as will I, it would be self defeating to say anything regarding what/who is driving this. Tell them its a mom/dad thing and that you still love them. If your kids are smart, they’ll figure it out without any (name removed by moderator)ut from you.

Note, I said for you to only say that you love them. You can’t speak for your wife’s feelings, and frankly, kids are very good at seeing through BS. You honestly have no idea how your wife feels about them now, and how she will feel about them in the future. If she can’t keep her vow to love you, than she certainly can lose or discard her feelings for her kids. It happens, believe me. One of the things my kids held against me was my assuring them of their mother’s love when putting them to bed in the year or so prior to separation/divorce, when her actions a short time later demonstrated quite emphatically that was a lie.

You look your kids in the eye, and say this is a thing between you and their mom. They have a right to establish whatever relationship they can/need to with their mother free from any interference/influence from you. They may in fact resent things and hold against you things they perceive as attempts to bias them against their mother.

My son blamed me for a while, he assumed I’d made mom leave since he couldn’t comprehend a mom wanting to do that on her own. He even reminded me I’d made a life-long promise and that this was wrong! He did figure it out after a few weeks though, again, his mother’s actions made it obvious.

Funny thing about kids, when they know a solemn vow has been broken they don’t really trust words from folks who they see breaking it, they watch what they do. Talk is cheap, whisky costs money.

Always try and keep in mind what is in the long term best interests of your children, your wife, and yourself.

In general, children are very likely to be hardest on the most available and present person in their life, whoever that is–because that’s who they feel safest around.

That’s not fair, but that’s how it is.