Unwanted Divorce Question

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1ke said:
I am so sorry for your current troubles. I am sure it is very difficult for you, given that you want to save your marriage and she seems set against it.

I do hope she’ll consider going to a program like Retrouvaille or counseling with your priest or a professional counselor, preferably Catholic.

As to your question, I would not lie. Lying is wrong, and kids will figure it out eventually. I would not go out of my way to point out that their mother is solely responsible, but I also wouldn’t lie if asked if I want a divorce.
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These things are so sad. And there really is no ready made response to kids that makes it better. Most divorce comes down to either addiction or sex with someone else. Either way one or both spouses is putting something before the children. In the case of sex, it’s not something you tell little kids. But eventually the message gets to them mommy or daddy likes sex more than they like you…

Sad.
 
limabeanerson said:
My wife and I are having some problems (she says she is no longer happy). I 100% want to work it out and am 100% committed. She even acknowledges that I’m trying to improve but says she just doesn’t feel happy anymore and thinks our marriage is over.

While I am certainly not giving up hope at all, I do have a practical question.

In the event that she does leave and we have to tell the kids, is it better (for the kids) to ‘pretend’ that it is a mutual decision or do they have the right to know that I am 100% against breaking up our family.

I’m not looking to point fingers or ‘turn the kids against their mother’ here or anything, but it will undoubtedly come up when they want to know why this is happening. It seems like it would be lying if I am not honest about it.

Anyway, first and foremost please pray for my marriage that it will be healed. Beyond that, any advice or thoughts you have are most appreciated.

God Bless

Michael
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My father left my mother and us kids for no real reason and never sent much support. Mother never, and I mean never, said a bad word about him. This is what she said, “I knew what he was when I married him and I married him any way. He was a dreamer, and adventurer and had been married three times before. He gave me four beautiful children. I am sorry that things turned out the way it did but I have no regrets because I have you.”

I grew up loving both my parents. I know what my father was and I love him anyway. I know who my mother was and I will remember and love her forever for giving me reasons to love my father.

I am 70 years old now and I have seen children torn apart - not by divorce which is bad enough - but by the fighting, resentment and games that “adults” play while using their children as pawns.
 
Xantippe said:
In general, children are very likely to be hardest on the most available and present person in their life, whoever that is–because that’s who they feel safest around.

That’s not fair, but that’s how it is.
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This is so true. I remember that in myself. As I mentioned in the post above my father left us. The few times he came home (mostly to see his mother) I would be so happy to see him. He was my shining knight in armor.

Many years later, I realized how hard that must have been for my mother who worked so hard to give us a decent life. But, like I said before, she never said a word about it. She even realized that I needed to believe that he was a knight in shining armor. As an adult, I can see that now.
 
Blessedwithfive said:
How old are the kids?
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HelenRose said:
My father left my mother and us kids for no real reason and never sent much support. Mother never, and I mean never, said a bad word about him. This is what she said, “I knew what he was when I married him and I married him any way. He was a dreamer, and adventurer and had been married three times before. He gave me four beautiful children. I am sorry that things turned out the way it did but I have no regrets because I have you.”

I grew up loving both my parents. I know what my father was and I love him anyway. I know who my mother was and I will remember and love her forever for giving me reasons to love my father.

I am 70 years old now and I have seen children torn apart - not by divorce which is bad enough - but by the fighting, resentment and games that “adults” play while using their children as pawns.
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Good advice - I definitly don’t want to make them hate their mother. I would never say something like, “your mom doesn’t love you enough to stay” or anything like that. I was thinking more in line of something like, 'Your mom is going through a difficult time and we need to pray for her and for our family. She is more than welcome to move back in anytime." type of thing.

Just to be clear, my wife wouldn’t just abandon the kids. She has indicated that she would leave the house since she couldn’t afford to keep it at all. Where she would go or what she would do, I just don’t know. She has some family she could stay with for a while but that wouldn’t list very long at all.

God Bless

Michael
 
If you lie to your children they will learn never to trust you. You owe them the truth. They would figure it out anyway some day.

Good luck.
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
Don’t let her off the hook. Assuming you’re not cheating, beating her, or a drunken layabout, there is no need to cover for her so she can have an “Eat, Pray, Love” experience. Don’t trash her, but don’t roll over and make it easy for her either. The kids have a right to know who is nuking the family. I hope it works out.
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I agree here and you don’t want the kids to think it’s what you want. Their old enough to understand. You don’t have to put her down, just be truthful about your feelings. Have you tried to get her to go to Marriage Counseling? Or talk to a priest etc. Prayers for all. God Bless, Memaw
 
Just one note of caution: many courts (or more importantly, court psychologists) take a dim view of telling children anything about who is asking for/causing divorce. For example, I know people who had visitation restricted because they truthfully told the children the divorce was caused by their father’s alcoholism.

I wouldn’t lie, but I would not lead the children to believe it’s their mother’s fault or sole decision either. They’ll figure it out on their own by your behavior and your wife’s. One of the most important things you can do is reassure them that they are in no way the cause of this, nor can they do anything AT ALL to fix it.
 
You also should seek legal counsel now. If you wait it will be too late.
 
limabeanerson said:
This is a concern I have too. I don’t want to get the kids involved in the issues and I certainly don’t want them to have negative feelings for their mother!

If my wife leaves, however, the kids will ask questions like, “Why can’t mom live here anymore” or something to that effect. The honest answer would be, “Mom is more than welcome to live here and I never wanted her to go!” What type of answer would you recommend?

What potentially makes this more difficult is I don’t think the kids have any idea that there are marital problems. We never fight with them around and even when we do fight we don’t yell or anything like that.

I want to minimize the damage to the children she would be causing by ending the marriage.

The kids are already involved and they are old enough to be truthful to them about your feelings. You don’t need to go into a lot of detail, just that Mom can stay if she wants or visit when she wants etc. Sounds like they will be staying with you. My folks divorced when I was about the age of your oldest and my Mom never criticized him, although I later realized she had plenty of reasons to do so. She always told us to “Pray for your Dad”. Sounds to me like she should be grateful you are good to her and want your marriage to work.
God Bless, Memaw

Michael
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Lily_Bernans said:
If you lie to your children they will learn never to trust you. You owe them the truth. They would figure it out anyway some day.

Good luck.
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One does not need to lie in order to be kind and fair.
Kids will figure our as they get older which parent cared most for them. They really don’t want to know why a divorce takes place they want to know that they are loved by both parents.
 
HelenRose said:
My father left my mother and us kids for no real reason and never sent much support. Mother never, and I mean never, said a bad word about him. This is what she said, "I knew what he was when I married him and I married him any way. He was a dreamer, and adventurer and had been married three times before. He gave me four beautiful children. I am sorry that things turned out the way it did but I have no regrets because I have you."

I grew up loving both my parents. I know what my father was and I love him anyway. I know who my mother was and I will remember and love her forever for giving me reasons to love my father.

I am 70 years old now and I have seen children torn apart - not by divorce which is bad enough - but by the fighting, resentment and games that “adults” play while using their children as pawns.
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That’s very sweet.
 
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Memaw:
The kids are already involved and they are old enough to be truthful to them about your feelings. You don’t need to go into a lot of detail, just that Mom can stay if she wants or visit when she wants etc. Sounds like they will be staying with you. My folks divorced when I was about the age of your oldest and my Mom never criticized him, although I later realized she had plenty of reasons to do so. My Dad told me this himself years later. She always told us to “Pray for your Dad”. Sounds to me like she should be grateful you are good to her and want your marriage to work.
God Bless, Memaw
 
Xantippe said:
In general, children are very likely to be hardest on the most available and present person in their life, whoever that is–because that’s who they feel safest around.

That’s not fair, but that’s how it is.
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Yep. And when they’re scared and feeling insecure-- they will test that person. They will do things to gauge the reaction, to receive assurance that they are still loved and important to that person. Again, at that point in their life words have become meaningless, they judge by actions.
 
Tell the kids the truth.

I’m surprised no one has considered another reason to do so: considering OPs wife has cheated in the past, and seems to be pulling this desire for divorce out of thin air, what’s to prevent her from telling kids (falsely) “daddy’s making me leave!” Anything other than a categorical denial to the contrary, I.e., “this is between me and her,” rather validates such a position that she might articulate.

So tell the kids the truth.
 
PolarGuy said:
Tell the kids the truth.

I’m surprised no one has considered another reason to do so: considering OPs wife has cheated in the past, and seems to be pulling this desire for divorce out of thin air, what’s to prevent her from telling kids (falsely) “daddy’s making me leave!” Anything other than a categorical denial to the contrary, I.e., “this is between me and her,” rather validates such a position that she might articulate.

So tell the kids the truth.
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I disagree. “Kids, your mother and I can no longer stay married. She has her side of the story. I have mine but I will not denigrate your mother - period. I am sorry things have turned out this way. I love you and I will always be here for you.”

If their mother chooses to denigrate their father - so be it. His telling his side of the story forces the kids to choose who they are going to believe. They may believe her in spite of what the truth may be.
 
HelenRose said:
My father left my mother and us kids for no real reason and never sent much support. Mother never, and I mean never, said a bad word about him. This is what she said, “I knew what he was when I married him and I married him any way. He was a dreamer, and adventurer and had been married three times before. He gave me four beautiful children. I am sorry that things turned out the way it did but I have no regrets because I have you.”

I grew up loving both my parents. I know what my father was and I love him anyway. I know who my mother was and I will remember and love her forever for giving me reasons to love my father.

I am 70 years old now and I have seen children torn apart - not by divorce which is bad enough - but by the fighting, resentment and games that “adults” play while using their children as pawns.
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This is beautiful. God blessed you with a strong and wonderful mother. This brought tears to my eyes. I have a long way to go towards ever being that kind of mother to my own kids. I’m definetely going to keep trying to get there.
 
PolarGuy said:
Tell the kids the truth.

I’m surprised no one has considered another reason to do so: considering OPs wife has cheated in the past, and seems to be pulling this desire for divorce out of thin air, what’s to prevent her from telling kids (falsely) “daddy’s making me leave!” Anything other than a categorical denial to the contrary, I.e., “this is between me and her,” rather validates such a position that she might articulate.

So tell the kids the truth.
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Depends on his strategy. Let’s say they separate, but he still hopes to reconcile and she’ll still be the mother to his children. How will it affect his hopes and efforts to reconcile if he’s started building up doubts in his kids about mom, about her desire to be there? How will putting the blame on her help him with his objective? How will she feel about him having told the kids that, and will those feelings interfere with achieving his goals to salvage his marriage, even if there’s an initial separation?
 
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