Unwanted divorce

[JimEK]

So, I believe my Wife is going to be filing for a divorce, stating that we have grown apart and she is no longer in love with me. For the past 3 years I have been on the road Monday - Friday and only home on weekends, a sacrifice we were willing to make to get ourselves in a better financial position, or so I thought. I’ts been tough, and she’s asked me to leave the job a few times, but always has come back after a day or so and said to stay the course. When I finally got done with the project I was on, after two weeks of being home, she drop this bomb on my head.

This is not something I am on board with, and am taking what steps I can to reconcile. However, I can see that process server on the horizon, and I’m concerned about my future status in the church.

Will I be able to take communion? Not being able to would be devastating to me. I will not be able to remarry, because as I as I can tell “falling out of love” is not a valid reason for annulment, and that’s fine, as far as it goes… she’s my wife and I don;t want to spend my life with anyone else.

 

[1ke]

Yes, you will be able to fully participate in the sacramental life of the Church. I am very sorry this is happening to you!

 

[PietroPaolo]

So, I believe my Wife is going to be filing for a divorce, stating that we have grown apart and she is no longer in love with me. For the past 3 years I have been on the road Monday - Friday and only home on weekends, a sacrifice we were willing to make to get ourselves in a better financial position, or so I thought. I’ts been tough, and she’s asked me to leave the job a few times, but always has come back after a day or so and said to stay the course. When I finally got done with the project I was on, after two weeks of being home, she drop this bomb on my head.

This is not something I am on board with, and am taking what steps I can to reconcile. However, I can see that process server on the horizon, and I’m concerned about my future status in the church.

Will I be able to take communion? Not being able to would be devastating to me. I will not be able to remarry, because as I as I can tell “falling out of love” is not a valid reason for annulment, and that’s fine, as far as it goes… she’s my wife and I don;t want to spend my life with anyone else.

As long as you don’t remarry, you’ve done nothing wrong, thus you are not in mortal sin, thus you can receive the Eucharist and participate fully in the life of the Church.

I’m sorry for your struggle. Perhaps you and your wife could sit down with your pastor? Maybe he could explain to her that love isn’t a sentimental feeling, but an act of the will, that we choose who we love. Love being, after all, nothing more than “willing the good of the other as other.” Being passionately aroused by your spouse has nothing to do with love.

God bless.

 

[JimEK]

I’m sorry too. For my part in this as well. I know I’m not blameless, and I knwe we were having problems… but never in a millions years did i think she would forsake our vows, especially in the light of the fact that I was doing what I was doing for us.

I makes me, in turn, sad, angry, and confused. She is supposed to be my partner, my companion, I don;t want to live without her. I’ll do it, of course, since it appears I must, but I look at the road ahead and I can see myself becoming more bitter, and I know i need to hedge that out, but how?

My life is being taken away from me

 

[St_Francis]

This is so sad!

May suggest that you find a marrage counselor who does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and who is interested in keeping couples together? There was a book written several or many years ago called Divorce-Busters which outlined a course such a therapy would take, if you can find the book.

The other thing, sad to say, is to immediately get a lawyer, so you will be protected from the get-go if your wife follows through on this. I am not saying anything about your wife but some lawyers are like bulldogs when it comes to divorce.

Is your wife Catholic? Will she take these issues seriously?

 

[JimEK]

I actually converted to Catholicism, I was Previously Greek Orthodox, for her.

We are going to see three therapists… one for me, one for her, and one for both of us together, isn’t that fun?

She’s only agreed to the couples therapist after some serious cajoling. I’ve already contacted a lawyer, with the initial consultation tomorrow. We have a son who needs to be considered as well. My lawyer knows, though from the brief phone interview that they are to go tit for tat with my wife’s attorney, I’m not going to go for her throat, but at the same time i will be protecting my finances and my rights. I’m just sad I have too.

 

[stephe1987]

Counseling is a good idea. Divorce does not solve problems except in a few rare cases (e.g. abuse, severe addiction problems). There is a reason why second marriages have much higher divorce rates compared to first marriages, and third marriages have higher divorce rates compared to second marriages.

In fact, out of the couples who chose counseling over divorce, 80% said they were “happier than ever” five years on.

I think your being away has been difficult for your wife, and counseling will help you work out your problems.

I will pray for you and your family.

 

[hurting]

I actually converted to Catholicism, I was Previously Greek Orthodox, for her.

We are going to see three therapists… one for me, one for her, and one for both of us together, isn’t that fun?

She’s only agreed to the couples therapist after some serious cajoling. I’ve already contacted a lawyer, with the initial consultation tomorrow. We have a son who needs to be considered as well. My lawyer knows, though from the brief phone interview that they are to go tit for tat with my wife’s attorney, I’m not going to go for her throat, but at the same time i will be protecting my finances and my rights. I’m just sad I have too.

Jim,

Protecting your interests is very likely to feel like going for her throat, because in all likelihood, she’ll be going for yours. I have recently been through this process and can say from personal experience, I can imagine nothing one is likely to encounter in life that is more harrowing save the death of a child.

Domestic relations law in this country is actively, overtly and unashamedly anti-father. None of what you will likely encounter (because you are the father) can be be squared with any concept of real justice. Be prepared.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Jim,

Protecting your interests is very likely to feel like going for her throat, because in all likelihood, she’ll be going for yours. I have recently been through this process and can say from personal experience, I can imagine nothing one is likely to encounter in life that is more harrowing save the death of a child.

Domestic relations law in this country is actively, overtly and unashamedly anti-father. None of what you will likely encounter (because you are the father) can be be squared with any concept of real justice. Be prepared.

Hi Hurting-
Aren’t these threads same story, different names? The culture sure is telling women divorce is the answer.

 

[Samson01]

Hi Hurting-
Aren’t these threads same story, different names? The culture sure is telling women divorce is the answer.

Yep, it’s a sad state of things. I wrote my parish priest last week about my situation and requesting future spiritual help. Not a word in response. Should have figured considering the track record during the whole marriage. I did get a letter from the parish requesting a waiver from something that happened last year in CCDS for the kids. Went in the trash.

 

[hurting]

Yep, it’s a sad state of things. I wrote my parish priest last week about my situation and requesting future spiritual help. Not a word in response. Should have figured considering the track record during the whole marriage. I did get a letter from the parish requesting a waiver from something that happened last year in CCDS for the kids. Went in the trash.

I have in many prior posts offered pretty pointed criticism of the clergy and stand by it. Part of it is simply the fact that theya re already overworked due to the priest shortage. The much larger issue lies with the twofold problem of their woeful and willful ignorance of the true nature of civil divorce law and its patent unfairness toward men* coupled with their overly pastoral approach to the problem which has led to the liberal annulment mentality in the US church.

The Church in the US is simply too much of the world.

• There are meaningful and perverse incentives for women in particular to nuke their marriages embedded in the jurisprudence of the domestic relations courts of the US. none of the clergy (up to and including the auxiliary bishop in my diocese) with whom I have spoken during my tribulations are even remotely familiar with them.

 

[hurting]

Hi Hurting-
Aren’t these threads same story, different names? The culture sure is telling women divorce is the answer.

Yes, the culture is telling everyone that their temporal happiness should supercede every other consideration in life. As I noted elsewhere, women are actually incented to pursue divorce as a path to that putative happiness.

 

[hurthusband]

Anyone who has read my thread knows the pain and heartache that I have been going through since January. I don’t wish this on anyone. Counseling? Go for it. It didn’t help my situation because my wife didn’t really participate. Legal counsel? It’s good that you’re getting a consultation. I did that too, and when I’m served I’ll be ready as well. If anyone tells you to give up - don’t. If you believe that your marriage can be salvaged - fight for it. You obviously take your vows very seriously, as do I. That’s why six months into this I have not filed for divorce. I’m putting it all on my wife to file. I moved out of the house two months ago because I felt I was just being used to pay the bills, mow the lawns, and do the laundry. I was a full service husband. Maybe your wife needs a taste of what life will be like without you around. Or, maybe you need to be around more so she’ll know what that could be like. This is a terrible experience for you, I know. Be strong. Pray … A … LOT … Continue to go to mass as often as possible. When you feel like you have no one to talk to … talk to God.

 

[Pablopedro]

I think when we are put into situations like this our natural tendency when hurt and angry is to act in very negative and uncomfortable ways toward our spouse. Unfortunately this only tends to worsen the situation and in her mind the discomfort and unhappiness will likely fan the flame. My recommendation, which admittedly will be very difficult, is to take an approach much different to your natural reaction. Flirt with her, joke with her, smile around her and smile at her, try to take her dancing, tell her you love her, watch a fun movie with her and laugh with her. Rather than fueling her feelings of having become isolated from one another remind her why you fell in love. Stick with the counseling and going to three counselors is not at all a bad idea honestly. Also see if she would be willing to pray with you, and certainly take time to pray yourself. Marriage is very difficult that takes immense work, but is well worth it. Take your son with her to an amusement park and have fun. Ask her out on a date, and wine and dine her as if you’re competing with 10 other men to be her beau.

 

[hurthusband]

I think when we are put into situations like this our natural tendency when hurt and angry is to act in very negative and uncomfortable ways toward our spouse. Unfortunately this only tends to worsen the situation and in her mind the discomfort and unhappiness will likely fan the flame. My recommendation, which admittedly will be very difficult, is to take an approach much different to your natural reaction. Flirt with her, joke with her, smile around her and smile at her, try to take her dancing, tell her you love her, watch a fun movie with her and laugh with her. Rather than fueling her feelings of having become isolated from one another remind her why you fell in love. Stick with the counseling and going to three counselors is not at all a bad idea honestly. Also see if she would be willing to pray with you, and certainly take time to pray yourself. Marriage is very difficult that takes immense work, but is well worth it. Take your son with her to an amusement park and have fun. Ask her out on a date, and wine and dine her as if you’re competing with 10 other men to be her beau.

Yeah, I don’t know about this. It may work, but it sure didn’t work for me. Once a woman has made up her mind, its pretty hard to turn it around. You’ll know by how much she participates in the counseling.

 

[qui_est_ce]

I think when we are put into situations like this our natural tendency when hurt and angry is to act in very negative and uncomfortable ways toward our spouse. Unfortunately this only tends to worsen the situation and in her mind the discomfort and unhappiness will likely fan the flame. My recommendation, which admittedly will be very difficult, is to take an approach much different to your natural reaction. Flirt with her, joke with her, smile around her and smile at her, try to take her dancing, tell her you love her, watch a fun movie with her and laugh with her. Rather than fueling her feelings of having become isolated from one another remind her why you fell in love. Stick with the counseling and going to three counselors is not at all a bad idea honestly. Also see if she would be willing to pray with you, and certainly take time to pray yourself. Marriage is very difficult that takes immense work, but is well worth it. Take your son with her to an amusement park and have fun. Ask her out on a date, and wine and dine her as if you’re competing with 10 other men to be her beau.

Most of us who have been in this situation have tried all these. The spouses usually start by stopping prayer and skipping Mass. They also refuse Retrouvaille or only superficially attend. They refuse marital counseling. Sometimes they will seek individual counseling, but it from reading these threads and personal experience, this personal counseling is really all about building up the “wronged” party’s ego and encouraging them to find themselves outside of marriage.

At this point all you can do is protect yourself and what’s left of your family.

You can’t hold on tight to somebody who won’t let you.

It’s a sad fact that today’s society tells you, in hurting’s word:

hurting:

Yes, the culture is telling everyone that their temporal happiness should supercede every other consideration in life. As I noted elsewhere, women are actually incented to pursue divorce as a path to that putative happiness.

 

[Pablopedro]

Most of us who have been in this situation have tried all these. The spouses usually start by stopping prayer and skipping Mass. They also refuse Retrouvaille or only superficially attend. They refuse marital counseling. Sometimes they will seek individual counseling, but it from reading these threads and personal experience, this personal counseling is really all about building up the “wronged” party’s ego and encouraging them to find themselves outside of marriage.

At this point all you can do is protect yourself and what’s left of your family.

You can’t hold on tight to somebody who won’t let you.

It’s a sad fact that today’s society tells you, in hurting’s word:

But the OP mentioned that they ARE going to couples counseling, so clearly they are already ahead of “most” of you.

I’m very sorry for the obviously very painful experiences you and Hurting went through in your relationships. I do not, however, see how advising other people to just give up, throw in the towel, and sit in the corner and pout is possibly good advice to give someone. Maybe his situation IS very different than your own. Maybe he CAN save his marriage still. Maybe every situation is different and we can not predict the outcome based solely off of our own experience, or a group of people who have gone through bad divorces.

It may not be easy, it may not be likely, it may not be pleasant, but you have to fight for your marriage until the last breath. I’m very sorry you’re in this place to begin with, but I assure you being pessimistic and sitting in the corner pouting is only going to ensure that this ends how you fear it will. No doubt you are hurt, and no doubt it is extremely hard to find any optimism right now, but at the very least you will know you did everything in your power to save the relationship.

Your wife clearly felt that you two had become estranged during your time on the road. Being very unpleasant to be around is going to make her want to be around you less, being very pleasant and enjoyable to be around will make her want to be around you more. I stand by my earlier post, don’t just give up yet. And don’t think you can predict your wife’s behavior based on what everyone else has done, she is an individual. Do your very best to be optimistic, upbeat, kind, and compassionate. Pray, pray, pray. Even if it would take a miracle to save your relationship, miracles DO happen.

 

[qui_est_ce]

But the OP mentioned that they ARE going to couples counseling, so clearly they are already ahead of “most” of you.

I’m very sorry for the obviously very painful experiences you and Hurting went through in your relationships. I do not, however, see how advising other people to just give up, throw in the towel, and sit in the corner and pout is possibly good advice to give someone. Maybe his situation IS very different than your own. Maybe he CAN save his marriage still. Maybe every situation is different and we can not predict the outcome based solely off of our own experience, or a group of people who have gone through bad divorces.

I am a female, who left my husband. He was abusive. Our counselor wanted to see him separately, but EXH wouldn’t go. I filed for divorce from him.

An nobody is telling anybody to just “throw in the towel.”

It may not be easy, it may not be likely, it may not be pleasant, but you have to fight for your marriage until the last breath. I’m very sorry you’re in this place to begin with, but I assure you being pessimistic and sitting in the corner pouting is only going to ensure that this ends how you fear it will. No doubt you are hurt, and no doubt it is extremely hard to find any optimism right now, but at the very least you will know you did everything in your power to save the relationship.

Your wife clearly felt that you two had become estranged during your time on the road. Being very unpleasant to be around is going to make her want to be around you less, being very pleasant and enjoyable to be around will make her want to be around you more. I stand by my earlier post, don’t just give up yet. And don’t think you can predict your wife’s behavior based on what everyone else has done, she is an individual. Do your very best to be optimistic, upbeat, kind, and compassionate. Pray, pray, pray. Even if it would take a miracle to save your relationship, miracles DO happen.

It isn’t easy. I prayed for miracles for years and I even put a St. Michael’s medal under his pillow.

I HAD to leave EXH (abuse), but it was very, very hard. My situation is a little different than hurting, but I understand how they feel.

Society tells you divorce will make everything better. Even though I was the leaver, my children’s and my lives were drastically changed. I had to find a job after being a SAHM for 10 years. Our standard of living went down 50%. I could have lived with that, but not being home with my children was the hardest.

EXH made a new life for himself. He didn’t care enough about his family to try to make it work. And I couldn’t force him.

 

[hurthusband]

I am a female, who left my husband. He was abusive. Our counselor wanted to see him separately, but EXH wouldn’t go. I filed for divorce from him.

An nobody is telling anybody to just “throw in the towel.”

It isn’t easy. I prayed for miracles for years and I even put a St. Michael’s medal under his pillow.

I HAD to leave EXH (abuse), but it was very, very hard. My situation is a little different than hurting, but I understand how they feel.

Society tells you divorce will make everything better. Even though I was the leaver, my children’s and my lives were drastically changed. I had to find a job after being a SAHM for 10 years. Our standard of living went down 50%. I could have lived with that, but not being home with my children was the hardest.

EXH made a new life for himself. He didn’t care enough about his family to try to make it work. And I couldn’t force him.

God bless you … You did the right thing

 

[hurting]

Most of us who have been in this situation have tried all these. The spouses usually start by stopping prayer and skipping Mass. They also refuse Retrouvaille or only superficially attend. They refuse marital counseling. Sometimes they will seek individual counseling, but it from reading these threads and personal experience, this personal counseling is really all about building up the “wronged” party’s ego and encouraging them to find themselves outside of marriage.

At this point all you can do is protect yourself and what’s left of your family.

You can’t hold on tight to somebody who won’t let you.

It’s a sad fact that today’s society tells you, in hurting’s word:

The bolded statement above is the key problem with marriage counseling, even couples counseling.