Unwanted divorce

[Pablopedro]

I am a female, who left my husband. He was abusive. Our counselor wanted to see him separately, but EXH wouldn’t go. I filed for divorce from him.

An nobody is telling anybody to just “throw in the towel.”

It isn’t easy. I prayed for miracles for years and I even put a St. Michael’s medal under his pillow.

I HAD to leave EXH (abuse), but it was very, very hard. My situation is a little different than hurting, but I understand how they feel.

Society tells you divorce will make everything better. Even though I was the leaver, my children’s and my lives were drastically changed. I had to find a job after being a SAHM for 10 years. Our standard of living went down 50%. I could have lived with that, but not being home with my children was the hardest.

EXH made a new life for himself. He didn’t care enough about his family to try to make it work. And I couldn’t force him.

I think you absolutely did the right thing, no one should stay in an abusive relationship. But the OP has said nothing about abuse, so his situation is very likely to be much different than your own. That was the entire point I was making, you cannot predict the outcome of his situation based on your own experience. They are different people in a different situation and I want to give the OP as much hope and encouragement as possible. Again I am very sorry you have had to endure such hardship and I will send lots of prayers your way asking the Lord to offer you consolation.

 

[Pablopedro]

The bolded statement above is the key problem with marriage counseling, even couples counseling.

Most of us who have been in this situation have tried all these. The spouses usually start by stopping prayer and skipping Mass. They also refuse Retrouvaille or only superficially attend. They refuse marital counseling. Sometimes they will seek individual counseling, but it from reading these threads and personal experience, this personal counseling is really all about building up the “wronged” party’s ego and encouraging them to find themselves outside of marriage.

At this point all you can do is protect yourself and what’s left of your family.

You can’t hold on tight to somebody who won’t let you.

It’s a sad fact that today’s society tells you, in hurting’s word:

My wife and I went to a marriage counselor who very quickly reminded us how much we had in common, how much we loved each other, and significantly improved our relationship.

Yes there are absolutely awful counselors and therapists out there, but there are also great ones who can help immensely. Unfortunately it is hard to know if your going to have a good one or not going into the situation. Still I recommend trying it, and if the counselor is awful, try switching to a different one.

 

[CompSciGuy]

As long as you don’t remarry, you’ve done nothing wrong, thus you are not in mortal sin, thus you can receive the Eucharist and participate fully in the life of the Church.

I’m sorry for your struggle. Perhaps you and your wife could sit down with your pastor? Maybe he could explain to her that love isn’t a sentimental feeling, but an act of the will, that we choose who we love. Love being, after all, nothing more than “willing the good of the other as other.” Being passionately aroused by your spouse has nothing to do with love.

God bless.

PietroPaolo is spot on… if she thinks that the basis for a healthy marriage is “feeling” in love with her spouse then she is going to be sorely disappointed by life. This is a hard time in your marriage obviously but relationships that endure through pain and sacrifice usually end up lasting a lifetime and are the most rewarding.

 

[LiseTravis]

 

[qui_est_ce]

I think you absolutely did the right thing, no one should stay in an abusive relationship. But the OP has said nothing about abuse, so his situation is very likely to be much different than your own. That was the entire point I was making, you cannot predict the outcome of his situation based on your own experience. They are different people in a different situation and I want to give the OP as much hope and encouragement as possible. Again I am very sorry you have had to endure such hardship and I will send lots of prayers your way asking the Lord to offer you consolation.

I know the OP is in a different situation, but I just wanted to put out there that the world is luring people into thinking divorce solves problems. IT DOESN’T, even if you’re the one filing.

I was divorced 15 years ago. I should have found a Catholic counselor, but I was naive about counseling then.

I’m not hurting anymore. I can actually pray for the man. He is on his third marriage with a women who is in her fourth marriage with him!!

BTW, the abuse was verbal, never physical. I second guessed myself for years. When I finally forgave him and prayed for him (that only happened a year ago), that’s when I stopped second guessing.

I think my youngest graduating college and getting a job last month helped. I no longer have to communicate with him about special events and ceremonies, visitations, etc.

 

[Pablopedro]

I know the OP is in a different situation, but I just wanted to put out there that the world is luring people into thinking divorce solves problems. IT DOESN’T, even if you’re the one filing.

I was divorced 15 years ago. I should have found a Catholic counselor, but I was naive about counseling then.

I’m not hurting anymore. I can actually pray for the man. He is on his third marriage with a women who is in her fourth marriage with him!!

BTW, the abuse was verbal, never physical. I second guessed myself for years. When I finally forgave him and prayed for him (that only happened a year ago), that’s when I stopped second guessing.

I think my youngest graduating college and getting a job last month helped. I no longer have to communicate with him about special events and ceremonies, visitations, etc.

I am very glad to hear that you aren’t hurting anymore And that is an absolutely great message to spread around. You made it through the pain and suffering and there is a light at the end of the tunnel! God Bless!

 

[His_helpmeet]

Is Retrouvaille an option for you? Will she agree to go?

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++

God’s Spirit is in my heart,
He has called me and set me apart.
This is what I have to do,
what I have to do.

He sent me to give the Good News to the poor,
Tell prisoners that they are prisoners no more,
Tell blind people that they can see,
And set the downtrodden free
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come,
And go tell everyone the news that the Kingdom of God has come.

Just as the Father sent me,
So I’m sending you out to be
My witnesses throughout the world,
The whole of the world.

Don’t worry what you have to say,
Don’t worry because on that day
God’s Spirit will speak in your heart,
Will speak in your heart.

 

[Psych77]

I was an abusive husband. Not physical, but verbal and emotional. I never meant to be abusive, and I was shocked and horrified when my wife confronted me with that. At her request I willingly went to a 40 week abuse intervention program, but it was too late. Less than halfway into the program, my wife told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore. We now sleep separately in the same house, both for financial reasons (I can’t support 2 households on my income) and in order to continue to both raise the children. But we don’t talk beyond necessary functional communication. And when we are together in the same room, I can always feel her resentment toward me, despite her silence toward me.

My love goes out to all of you. I will pray for you - there is still hope.

May the Lord bless you.