Unwanted Male Attention

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YesAll4boys

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So this past summer I began a diet and weightloss renovation on myself. As the layers of fat come off, I am becoming more confident. Well, now I am getting unwanted male attention. I am not used to compliments as it is, and now when men say it, I am really uncomfortable.

Recently, an ex-coworker of mine was texting me (He only had my number to send me the new work password every 2 mos) asking me to go to lunch. I told him I was busy working, sorry. Well he was really persistent, but I avoided it. Then out of the blue he asked me for drinks that night.

I have no intentions on seeing him. I am married and a mother of 4 sons. I just told my husband tonight of the conversation because I am struggling with the male attention I am getting, and I really do not have anyone to talk to about it.

I am sure it stems from my childhood and being treated negatively by men, but I am moving past that. I feel guilty that I am being asked out by this guy, and I really wanted to say, hey I am married, and out of respect for my husband I am not going to meet you. I just didnt want it to backfire and look like a moron if he said, I just wanted to hang out and catch up, and not what you think.

Ive been with my husband for 15 years, so I am not really familiar with how other guys act, just my guy. I guess I am looking for some good tips or advice. I still have weight to lose and I wonder of this is how it is going to be as I get smaller?
 
Be honest and direct with him. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt ask him what his intentions are. There could be a remote possibility he wants to talk to you about something he is not comfortable talking about at work.

I wouldn’t be so concerned about the reasons why he asked you out for a drink.
 
Well in December he told me I looked really good, and recently he said he missed his work wife. (Called me that in the past because I signed his name on my call reports)

Maybe I am looking to much into it?

I do not even work with him, I havent in a yr and a half.
 
The easiest way I think to handle a situation like that is to say yes, I would love to catch up, I’ll see when my husband is free and you grab a date and we’ll find a restaraunt.
 
YesAll4boys said:
So this past summer I began a diet and weightloss renovation on myself. As the layers of fat come off, I am becoming more confident. Well, now I am getting unwanted male attention. I am not used to compliments as it is, and now when men say it, I am really uncomfortable.

Recently, an ex-coworker of mine was texting me (He only had my number to send me the new work password every 2 mos) asking me to go to lunch. I told him I was busy working, sorry. Well he was really persistent, but I avoided it. Then out of the blue he asked me for drinks that night.

I have no intentions on seeing him. I am married and a mother of 4 sons. I just told my husband tonight of the conversation because I am struggling with the male attention I am getting, and I really do not have anyone to talk to about it.

I am sure it stems from my childhood and being treated negatively by men, but I am moving past that. I feel guilty that I am being asked out by this guy, and I really wanted to say, hey I am married, and out of respect for my husband I am not going to meet you. I just didnt want it to backfire and look like a moron if he said, I just wanted to hang out and catch up, and not what you think.

Ive been with my husband for 15 years, so I am not really familiar with how other guys act, just my guy. I guess I am looking for some good tips or advice. I still have weight to lose and I wonder of this is how it is going to be as I get smaller?
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This guy is up to no good and you need to put an end to his pipe dream immediately. You are flattered..obviously but I don't for a second think you would encourage him but you need to be very overt so there is no more contact with this guy. If he starts getting weird or stalky..you know what I mean..then you go to the next step, depending on how physically aggressive your husband can be..or not. Flat tell him you aren't interesting in socializing with anyone but hubby and don't smile when you are telling him.:blush:
 
You have no reason to be in contact with him. Find a way to politely or impolitely end all communication with him.

He will not just want to be friends. Protect your family and your self. Don’t get involved with him because it can only cause you problems.
 
joanofarc2008 said:
The easiest way I think to handle a situation like that is to say yes, I would love to catch up, I’ll see when my husband is free and you grab a date and we’ll find a restaraunt.
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Seconded.

Back in the nineteenth century when propriety was as important socially as it was religiously a woman would even take friends with her on dates just to make sure “nothing happened”, which I think is a good way to do be polite, friendly, and unmistakable in intention.
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YesAll4boys:
I have no intentions on seeing him. I am married and a mother of 4 sons. I just told my husband tonight of the conversation because I am struggling with the male attention I am getting, and I really do not have anyone to talk to about it.
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Your husband is just exactly who you should be talking about things with, as communication is vital in a healthy marriage. Beyond that your parish priest, confessor or spiritual director would be an excellent person to mention it to. At the end of the day these are the people charged with the care of your soul, so if you have their advise you don’t need ours, and if you want ours you need to get theirs.
 
Welcome to the Modern Pagan America given to us by 40 years of movies and TV and novels that have made sex of all kinds perfectly normal in the eyes of many or most Americans.

Yes, if you are attractive and are a women, men are going to hit on you and try to develop a relationship for the purpose of having S * E * X with you!

Lots and lots of married people are having sex with persons who aren’t their spouses.

Just stop being “shocked!” and just keep politely and calmly saying “No thank you, I am too busy.”

Today’s American Pagans have no sense that they are doing anything wrong. To them, Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner is their Pope.

Just know that you today’s America is a PAGAN nation, and eve most Catholics mainly follow that Pagan Values, Norms and Customs. Sorry! That’s what I notice!
 
YesAll4boys said:
Recently, an ex-coworker of mine was texting me (He only had my number to send me the new work password every 2 mos) asking me to go to lunch.
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This is unethical and possibly illegal. You should inform your supervisor.
 
Get someone else to send you the passwords, and block him from your phone.

Oh, and congrats on the weight loss! That’s a great accomplishment!

👍
 
People can sound weird to others due to differences in individual thinking and perception (cultural differences exist not only between whole different nations). Despite the somewhat low probability, a “work wife” joke could in fact be innocent, especially from an overall innocent person who were not used to seeing and avoiding innuendo everywhere. I’ve actually heard people quip or joke about what if they hypothetically married each other, without really meaning to flirt, for example, as well as co-workers pretending to be asking out while offering to have a lunch together, as basically a form of joke. Not like this isn’t somewhat improper or awkward but the person might not actually realise it unless he’s making advances otherwise or unless the tone of his voice sounds ostensibly wrong. You could ask him something like, “You realise I’m married with kids? That almost sounded like a date offer!” and see what happens. I’d give both him and yourself the opportunity to clear this up. I don’t believe an unexplained shutoff is a good reaction to awkward social situations. There are three possible explanations other than trying to seduce you: 1) a friend just staying in touch and unwittingly making you uncomfortable with his jokes meant without ill will, 2) a friend using a pretend flirting manner with you as a joke, while he knows it’s pretend, 3) a lonely guy thinking he’s just joking without realising what’s really going on in his head (kind of like Freudian slips).
 
JM3 said:
This is unethical and possibly illegal. You should inform your supervisor.
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It’s now illegal for former coworkers to extend a lunch invitation to one another? Seriously?!?

If I were the OP, I would politely decline, but I doubt it is illegal for one to ask another.
 
PS. Compliments are natural, even if they make the recipient awkward. Everybody wants to praise a person for exceptional results, especially if that great achievement may have cost a lot of effort and sacrifice. Nothing wrong with the subject being a more pleasant look rather than e.g. better maths skills or historical knowledge. People of the opposite sex don’t necessarily mean anything ulterior when the compliment involves attractiveness, they probably actually don’t. Actually, even a compliment about your kindness or substantive knowledge or skill or merits of character would make you awkward. For example, I have sometimes skipped doing a good deed because of the fear of the shame attending the loud comments if I were to do it. I’ve also downplayed my intelligence or knowledge in order to avoid cooing, especially if my young age (am 29, look 21) could attract patronising comments about “the youth” (who cares about them?). Attention is embarassing in itself, especially when it’s new and reactive to a change. This probably reminds us that attention is fleeting.
 
I will compliment a lady and mean absolutely nothing by it except a compliment. But I treat all ladies with respect anyway.
 
YesAll4boys said:
…I have no intentions on seeing him. I am married and a mother of 4 sons. I just told my husband tonight of the conversation because I am struggling with the male attention I am getting, and I really do not have anyone to talk to about it.

I am sure it stems from my childhood and being treated negatively by men, but I am moving past that. I feel guilty that I am being asked out by this guy, and I really wanted to say, hey I am married, and out of respect for my husband I am not going to meet you. I just didnt want it to backfire and look like a moron if he said, I just wanted to hang out and catch up, and not what you think.

Ive been with my husband for 15 years, so I am not really familiar with how other guys act, just my guy. I guess I am looking for some good tips or advice. I still have weight to lose and I wonder of this is how it is going to be as I get smaller?
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First, I love your user name. 🙂 I have several boys and by the second boy, I figured out that they have some instincts that are (or were) completely foreign to me.

I find it a bit ironic that a woman with four boys and a husband doesn’t know what to do with male attention. There is no reason to feel guilty when men pay you unwanted attention. You can simply use your maternal skills to correct the poor souls or perhaps better yet, to redirect their energy towards something useful. It’s rather natural for men to pay attention to beautiful women and that can be used for good. If you look at role models like the Blessed Virgen Mary or other female saints, you can see that beautiful women throughout the ages have inspired men to greatness.
 
What’s wrong with saying “Thank you for the invitation… but I’m married and it’s not something I would feel comfortable with or feel is appropriate” at least that is what I would say. If he persists after that then he could be just a complete jerk or potential stalker manipulator type. Either way he needs to get a clear definite answer since he didn’t pick up on your first hint. I think his intentions aren’t good personally but I don’t know his side. :rolleyes:
 
Catholic90 said:
It’s now illegal for former coworkers to extend a lunch invitation to one another? Seriously?!?

If I were the OP, I would politely decline, but I doubt it is illegal for one to ask another.
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Perhaps, you are not realizing how serious this situation is.

The use of a phone number for personal reasons, when it is meant for work purposes only, is unethical. The only reason he should have her number is if she gave it to him so they could stay in touch. The OP has not stated that she did this. They have not been co-workers for a year and a half. There is no reason for him to have the number. Whether he is still working for the company or not, they may have actions that they can take.

Maybe it’s just me, but to hear from someone after a year and a half, who shouldn’t even have my number, would trigger my ‘stalker’ senses.
 
He may not properly understand you’re married.

I would suggest just sending the message “No thanks, it’s kind of you to think of me that way but I don’t think my husband would think it appropriate. You do know I am married, don’t you?”

I’d lay odds that you’ll get a very swift change of tune or he’ll never contact you again. Either way the problem will go away.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Get someone else to send you the passwords, and block him from your phone.

Oh, and congrats on the weight loss! That’s a great accomplishment!

👍
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Having tried and only partially succeeded I too congratulate you on the weight loss - especially with 4 children in the house.

As for your special friend - tell him that you and your husband got a good laugh about his invite. That tells him that you don’t take him seriously and that you and your husband talk about everything - including inappropriate invitations from men at work. You might be surprised how fast that cools his ardor.

My wife told a similar suitor “My husband likes to meet all the men that ask me out on dates”.
 
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