Update #2 - I finally ran away from home... with a twist

[Anonymous911]

Hi my Catholic brothers & sisters!

So I have news… I’m sorry I haven’t been responding to the last few threads I’ve put up, as I haven’t had any time to…

Ok so I finally ran away. I won’t go into too much detail, so I’ll cut the story extra extra short… Else I could be here all night explaining in detail.

I left my home at 3:30am after all the abuse and heartache.
I stayed at my boyfriends house for 4 days… (and yes, we’re still virgin so don’t panic!)
Why 4 days? Because my parents BEGGED me back home, and so I did.
My boyfriend had a soft heart for them, and I of course felt bad. But, I absolutely loved being with him for the 4 days, which is why I want to spend the rest of my life, and after life, with him. My parents PROMISED they would fix things if I came back home… And by ‘fix’ they meant to accept him. Well, it’s been just over a month now since I ran away and came back home, and they’re still against him.
They met him, and his parents too. They came to our house in hope of being accepted, even after all the racial remarks in which were made in the past by my parents.
My man stood strong and respected and expressed his love for me and to marry me.
Their response was: You aren’t allowed to marry each other, you are both young, give it a few more years, see how you go and maybe, MAYBE, we will let you get married… So in other words, another way to WAIT for us to break up, In hope of us ending in the future. THEYre just so manipulative!!! What an absolute joke. I understand the entire ‘young’ thing… But come on… If I brought a WHITE man home, my mum would make me marry him the next day. It’s just ridiculous.

This past month, is fight after fight, argument after argument between my boyfriend and I. Things are really getting heated up. It makes me wonder if my parents are right, but then I realise that the only reason we fight and fight is because theres no space for us to improve when we are in a situation like this! I shouldn’t be making excuses… Only God knows.

We ended up speaking to my priest, but as sad as it is to say, I think my parents have brainwashed him. He isn’t against interracial marriage, or caring about ‘reputation’ and what other people think… WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT MY PARENTS ARE WORRIED ABOUT THE MOST. THE FACT THAT HE IS AFRICAN AND ALSO REPUTATION WISE AND PEOPLE TALKING NEGATIVELY.Who cares??? I’m marrying HIM, not other people. I’m marrying him for his mind, body (hypocritical-but you know what I mean!) and soul, not for his skin colour!
Well anyway, what my priest keep telling me is to obey my parents and honour thy mother and father because it is a commandment. I need some understand because correct me if I’m wrong, Isn’t it pretty logical that what they’re doing is WORSE than me disobeying them? They are RACIST, they are ABUSIVE, they completely go against GOD’S CREATION. I can go on and on but if you read my other threads then you will know. And the priest just kept repeating it over and over that running away is bad and I shouldn’t of done it, he told me I shouldn’t get married now I’m still young… I mean seriously WHO is to tell you when the right time is? When you know you know!! and WE BOTH KNOW. WE want to get married. That’s final!

My main complaint is, I have come back home, and my parents are still not accepting…
Is it wrong of me to leave again? I have such a soft spot for my parents because this is literally draining them, its draining us all, but I can see how much it kills them. It’s so harsh to say, but I did enjoy my life more when I was with him. Of course its not always going to be a smooth ride with him and I, even in marriage, oh boy I can only imagine how rocky it can get… But with love, trust & faith - nothing can go wrong.
My parents keep telling me that I will kill this family, if my mum dies then I’m not allowed to visit her at the cemetery, she tells me how horrible my black kids will be with ‘curly’ hair and half african. And how she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, my husband and my kids. I find that heartbreaking because who wouldn’t want their mother there? I just find it so evil…
Nothing I am doing is to go against them, or have any bad intention in hurting them. I love them and I always will, they are my parents. But what am I doing wrong? Purely loving a man of the SAME religion? ugh…
Also, my parents haven’t stopped telling me that I’m sinning. And that I’m disobeying.
Lol get this, today I came back home, and saw a mini bible on my bed, and it was bookmarked with a rosary on chapter MATTHEW 15 “honour your father and mother, and, he who curses father or mother, let him be put to death” … So ok, clearly I am going against my parents wishes by not leaving this man that they disapprove of… I’ve also indirectly swore at them, so I won’t deny that. (they have obviously done worse and said worse to me)… But I just don’t understand it? AM I DOING WRONG BY LOVING A MAN OF A DIFFERENT SKIN COLOUR? OBVIOUSLY NOT. SO THEN WHY AM I BREAKING THE COMMANDMENT? ugh… it just doesn’t make sense. its not fair…

Your help would be appreciated guys…
I honestly cannot thank each and every one of you , no matter the response , I still highly appreciate it, because it honestly has lifted my spirits in the past.

God bless you all.

 

[amrin]

Hm… You’re 21, you live at home with your parents and you’re in college yet you act like a teenager “running” away from home

Come on, get yourself together and make a plan, you either want to finish your degree at your parents place because it’s more convenient or you want to leave your parents house, marry the guy and go live with him and finish your degree meanwhile.

Until you decide which one of the two you are up to, respect your parents house. Don’t bring the boyfriend over or talk about it. If they mention it just respectfully say you don’t wish to talk about the subject. You can say something like “I do understand your position and your concerns regarding the situation, but I will have to respectfully disagree and as such I do not wish to talk more about that subject. I respect your opinions, please respect mine.”

Their house their rules, they’re also entitled to be racist if they want to. It’s your problem not knowing how to deal with it while living with them. I’ve been in a similar situation where my mother wouldn’t approve of my boyfriend (not because of racism but mostly about jealousy as I would spend more time with him than with her) and she would keep me awake an entire night whining and moaning, and I would never reply and the next day I would have to go to work without having had any sleep. When you move out and they wish to visit you, then you can tell them not to be racist because it’s your house your rules

Mostly what you have to keep in mind is that you’re an adult, your boyfriend is an adult so if you wish to marry go ahead. You don’t need your parents permission or approval to do so. Do whatever you think it will bring you happiness and closer to God. Respecting our parents doesn’t mean we have to do everything they want us to. Specially because your parents aren’t the ones marrying the man, it’s you. If and when you have kids, they are still racist then you will have to maybe cut them out of your life. Or at least that’s what I would do.

I hope your life will be better soon, pray and trust in God. Everything else will fall into place I will say a prayer for you tonight

 

[thankulord]

Hi,
Sorry I don’t know about your other posts. I think that you don’t need rush to get married. It may be difficult for you to see this now. Waiting doesn’t mean that you will break up but you will be better prepared for your marriage. Sometimes marriage is a joy, but it can also be hard work. Don’t discuss it more with your parents for now. You know their idea & they are worried. Just pray for them.

It seems you are still in school? Finish your degree, get a some work experience in your chosen field before getting married… This is very good preparation for a marriage and a family. Be sure your husband to be is doing the same! You won’t have the stress of trying to finish your degree, pay bills, start a family, and the list goes on and on.

This will also give you more time to learn about the cultural mores of your husband to be. If he is from Africa, I suggest that you visit his original country, city or village and learn some of his original language and what life is like there. This will also serve you well in the future and be useful within your marriage and help you understand his parents and other older people in his family. African families usually give importance to the extended family. This will help you alot in understanding his parents and other relatives.

I have an interracial marriage Also my parents didn’t agree. However I think it’s a very very valuable idea to wait several more years to marry. It’s not lost time, it’s very valuable time. You can be married for the rest of your life after that. Also your preparation will make you more independent from your parents and later they can see that all the terrible things they imagined didn’t happen. Please be patient, you will be thankful later. God bless.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

You clearly need to leave and establish your life as an adult. It seems that you are unable to see yourself as an adult while you are living with your parents, and the current situation is just a never-ending source of friction and tension, if not worse.

Find a place to live, whether that be in your own apartment or with female roommates, and just leave (and don’t return). You don’t necessarily have to get married to your boyfriend right away, but at least be living on your own and have your own life established. That is the first step, and once you have done that, then you and your boyfriend can decide when to get married.

 

[BHL_20]

You have to accept that your parents are racist and that you can’t change it. Maybe if you get married they may eventually, but this is completely outside your control. Remember that nobody has perfect parents. Many parents make rules that seem irrational/unjust and sometimes really are. We all have to deal with it.

I personally can’t stand racism. My best friend is African, and I don’t even notice his skin colour. You have two options:

1. Stay with your parents to finish your education. They didn’t say you have to break up with him they just said give it time. You can keep up the relationship until you can move out, but as long as you are under their roof you have to obey them. That’s not just Church teaching, it’s the law.

If you can’t support yourself now, what are you going to do once you get married? Live with either your own parents or his parents? Neither set of parents should have the burden of housing/supporting a married couple.

1. Find somewhere else to live. Then you don’t have to obey anymore, and you may get married. Of course, easier said than done. But if you really want it, it can happen. I can understand your frustration. Education isn’t everything.

 

[underacloud]

As discussed in other threads, running away is an immature thing to do, and now your parents and your priest see you as too immature to marry. It has confirmed their fears that you are too immature. Perhaps they are right?

If you are being abused, you should move out of home.

If you wish to establish yourself as an adult and constructively change your relationship with your parents, you should move out of home.

If you wish to properly discern marriage with this man, you should move out of home. While with your parents, your relationship is under extreme pressure (and clearly taking its toll on you both). If you move in with him and his parents, you will be under different pressures, and not properly free to consider discernment since the alternative (not marrying) will seem too difficult for you - which will be much the same as now, just swapping families.

Anyway, it seems like the situation with your boyfriend has found a stable truce; that is, your parents have told you to “give it a few more years”. The greater concern is the ongoing abuse, manipulation, and aggressive control tactics. Deal with that first.