UPDATE: HELP! My Parents or My Lover

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Anonymous911

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Hello lovely people!

My previous post explains my situation quite well and this is an update - as I still need further assistance from such well-opiniated, open-minded people that you all have been, haha šŸ™‚ ]]]

I had received plenty of wonderful feedback and support on my previous post, which was just what I needed during the struggle and truly was surreal and lifted my spirits.

Next month in September, I graduate and receive my bachelors degree of Medical Science which Iā€™m so excited about! Iā€™ve been in university for 4 years now and just finished my first degree and hopefully move on to another and go further in the medical field šŸ™‚

Ok so onto my love life - my disapproving, racist, abusive parents donā€™t know Iā€™m back with my African boyfriend, (Iā€™m middle eastern and we are both Catholic)ā€¦ and I donā€™t think they are as suspicious as they were before, and probably think I no longer speak to him or see him (I have been extra secretive. It has been so hard you guysā€¦ We both really just want to get married and move on with our lives, it honestly isnā€™t about rushing, I am 21 and he is 22 and we feel like our life is on pause and just need to play it out by taking the next step!

The only way is to run away, because my parents will never accept. I repeat, NEVER accept. šŸ˜¦ The problem now is, how do I run away? I mean itā€™s a pretty blunt question, but really, how? There is no appropriate way of abounding your family for your loved one, but I have no other choice. So now Iā€™m just stuck, do I confront them again and cop a beating (this time much much worse) and then leave the house forever? Do I just leave during the middle of the night and leave them a note? I mean, it may sound pretty dumb for a few or most, but this is my reality. Nobody wants to go through this and I donā€™t wish this against anybody, but I have to do what I have to do to be with the man of my dreamsā€¦ and I must admitā€¦ itā€™s hard. It becomes draining. Sometimes I donā€™t know what to do with my life, I pray every night for strength. Is it okay to feel weak? If Iā€™m weak does this mean I shouldnā€™t go through with this process? I mean Iā€™m pretty sure it is okay to have doubt and get scared. I am scared of my parents I will not deny it.

My partner and I have thought through EVERYTHING. Please, to prevent any misunderstandings, visit my previous thread and Iā€™m sure most of your questions will be already answered. If not then that is fine and Iā€™ll be happy to answer your question and reply to your suggestion.

Any feedback would be great really.

God bless you all.

OH and I forgot to mention, I was on holiday last month with my little sister and mother, and this one time in our hotel, I was sticking up for african people, because everyday my mum would NOT stop being racist about every black person who walked past her. I finally said something, because it pissed the heck out of me! We ended up arguing, yada yada yada, she ended up physically abusing me while it did get pretty serious, I threatened to call the police because she just wouldnā€™t stop, EVEN people next door to us yelled from their hotel room to stop us because youā€™d think most people are trying to sleep! This was around 1AM. By the end of it, I had a nasty bruise and scratches on my calf muscle. I would upload a picture but you wouldnā€™t like the looks of it. My sister (9 yrs old) even came running out of the shower crying and slipped because of how terrified she was! It was crazyā€¦ If I wasnā€™t overseas, I would probably run away at that moment. She did not stop downgrading me and comparing me to other females, and saying Iā€™m the only one in the generation to have a black boyfriend and all this other garbageā€¦ oh and the next day, she was acting perfectly fine, and got over it. ]]]]
 
Even if it werenā€™t for your boyfriend, I would still think that you should get away from your parentsā€™ grip (from what you have just described). You do not have to put up with abuse, and there is no excuse for them to abuse you, mentally or physically. Donā€™t let them continue to control your life. Go out and be happy on your terms.

The fact that theyā€™re racist is also terrible. I wish you and your boyfriend good luck with everything. Just remember that you deserve to be happy, and after a while, you have to accept that some people (even family) might stand in the way of your happiness.
 
For the ease of other posters, here is the previous thread:

NEED Advice - My Parents or My Lover?

I would urge you to re-read the advice you received in that thread. Physical abuse is not okay. There is no need for you and your boyfriend to ā€œrun awayā€ together. But you can certainly leave your parentsā€™ house. It does not sound like a healthy situation at all.

Please talk to a priest about this. He will be able to point you in the direction of some good resources for removing yourself from this toxic situation. He will be a much better resource for you than any of us here.
 
I am most concerned about you " running away" with your lover. It seems a recipe for disaster. First, WALK away from your parents, find some priest or good counsel who can help you recover from the abuse. Take time to cool off from all of the adrenaline passions. Your feelings might be wrapped up in a number of confusing ways. Then discern whether this man is truly right for you.

I have no concern about his color or culture but I DO have concern about your awareness that he is black and that your parents stand against him. I have met many women who have chosen a guy simply because he is black and the relationship would upset her parents. The relationship lasted as long as her anger at her parents lasted. Not a good way to start out together and not very respectful to your friend.

If he is the right guy, then allow a real friendship to take place before you move in and have a sexual relationship. If you have already crossed that bridge, itā€™s not too late. And if he is for real, he will wait . Iā€™m not sure you mentioned the word marriage but I think you should be thinking about what a Catholic marriage entails, not observing the short-sighted live-in lover or short-term marriage set-up that society seems to endorse. Think deeply, not just feel.

You both are still young. You have more schooling ahead. You are both Catholic. Try to figure out yourself first. As a woman you will have the responsibilities of children, husband, and soon, a career. That requires a stable, thoughtful, respectful, mature and faithful beginning. The running away scene creates a thrilling, exciting, escapist, rescuing, rebellious beginning that has more to do with your parents than with him.

I know you will find ways to disagree with me. I could be wrong. But chances are strong that I could be right and you might mess up your life before itā€™s even begun. Itā€™s worth the caution.
Think about this and pray.

And get away from the abuse.
 
You have a plate full and until you prioritize what has to happen nothing will fall into place. Abuse is never OK. Many of the things you deal with are probably negatively influenced or reacted to because of the abuse. In addition you have made it clear that your boyfriend will never be welcomed because of the racism of your mother. At your age you are free to go and even if it is very difficult that is the first and most important thing that must happen. Then you may be able to start seeing things more clearly as you distance yourself from the abuse and begin to heal. Running away is not a good idea and it is not necessary, pack up and leave. If you can not find a place go to the local womanā€™s shelter and let them help you. Praying for you to be able to have the strength to do what needs to be done and to be safe.
 
If you are serious about wanting to leave then contact a womens shelterā€¦there are plenty that deal with women and girls in similar situations to you (controlling parents, being physically abused by parents etc )ā€¦contact one and have them organise with you your escapeā€¦but dont tell anyone inccase they notify your parents of your planā€¦

Next id try and move as far away as possible from the parents and even change my name ( i know it sounds drasticā€¦but you did say in your previous thread that your parents threatened to kill you )ā€¦

You cant continue to live with them controlling youā€¦if you cant be with your boyfriend then who do they expect you to marry?..are they going to expect you to have an arranged marriage where they choose your husband for you?
 
Forget about the marriage thing for now. Seriously. Thatā€™s not whatā€™s important.

You need to find a way to stand on your own. Please, talk to your local womenā€™s shelter.

Also, I have to ask, but you mentioned having a sister. Have your parents ever threatened or struck your sister or any other underage siblings you have? You may want to make sure your younger siblings can contact you if there are problems. I would be afraid that even if nothingā€™s happening now, once your sister gets a little older she could be a target.
 
Physical abuse is **never **acceptable. Our Catholic faith requires you to honor your parents, but as you are now an adult, you are no longer required to obey your parents. There is a difference. The Church gives you the right to marry who you will without coercion. That being said, the other posters are right. Your mother has committed a crime against you, and you need to protect yourself. Leaving that situation is the first priority. Once you are safe and have cooled down, you can then assess your relationship situation.Talk to a priest you trust as well.
 
twf said:
Physical abuse is **never **acceptable. Our Catholic faith requires you to honor your parents, but as you are now an adult, you are no longer required to obey your parents. There is a difference. The Church gives you the right to marry who you will without coercion. That being said, the other posters are right. Your mother has committed a crime against you, and you need to protect yourself. Leaving that situation is the first priority. Once you are safe and have cooled down, you can then assess your relationship situation.Talk to a priest you trust as well.
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Even a child is not obligated to obey parents in such situations as sheā€™s described. A child is allowed to act to protect themselves from abuse even if it involves disobeying parents.
 
The next step without your parents getting suspicious, is find a full time job in a city that is far away from your parents in a city where you want to attend medical school. Even if it is at a walmart at least it will be something. When you move, purchase a disposable cell phone and donā€™t tell your parents where you are living. I would also stay off the social media because that is a great way to track someone down. That way you can move naturally away which will maintain some contact with your siblings as well as protect yourself. I wouldnā€™t let them help you move either. If you keep your belongings small, you could probably fit everything into a rented van or a small uhaul truck.

I would also contact the police and explain the situation. They should be able to give you advice in how to move safely. Until you are safe, I would put some distance between you and your boyfriend. Eventually the truth will come out and so far you are lucky. By putting the distance, you are putting yourself into a safer position.

Right now, you need to forget about love and take care of yourself. If you are meant to be together, this other stuff will also fall into place.
 
Oh boyā€¦ your parents kinda sound like my parentsā€¦
I was physically abused because I became a catholicā€¦
My boyfriend is an Italian guy, and Iā€™m Korean; we are both catholic.

I believe when itā€™s about love, nationality never matters.
We are all equal, itā€™s just us people who made such terrible thing like racismā€¦ Racism comes from pride. God hates pride people.

You and I have different issue, but kinda same condition: abusive parents.
I am trying to stay away from them by moving into the dorm.
I believe staying away from your family will be betterā€¦ sorryā€¦ thatā€™s what I believe for myself too.

Keep pray to God about your relationshipā€¦
Iā€™m in the same age as you, and my bf is 10 years ahead from me.

Itā€™s God who is in charge of your life, so I would like to say keep pray for your parents for the softened heartā€¦ +++

God bless you <3
 
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