Update: Husband changing his name

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So my husband is going to legally change his name to an Arabic name whether I like it or not. I don’t, I think it will be a bad move. He thinks it is going to help him be closer to God and lead a more spiritual life. He says I have to call him by his new name, and if I don’t I am not allowed to call him by his given name so he will correct we if I do it. He also thinks that as a Catholic I am supposed to obey my husband and not doing a good thing by refusing this request. Do I have to call him by his new name? I think this is a bad idea, I find calling him a different uncomfortable and kind of gross, and it kind of offends me. He also replaced his wedding ring with a ring that says something in Arabic on it, I am hurt but I don’t want to argue about it.
 
What religion is your husband?

You did not ask this question but does this change of name reflect a change in religious beliefs? Is the idea that you should obey him new? or has he always thought this?

I’m concerned that you are fixating on what you should call your husband when you should be worried about other matters.
 
He has favored Islam since before we were married, I am relatively new to Catholicism. I was raised without religion. we have been married 11 years and have 6 children, I have been Catholic for five. He was raised Catholic, became a Protestant as a teenager and Islamic in his mid-20s. The idea I should obey him is new, he goes to church with me and goes to Catholic events and our kids are in Catholic school so he has decided that this is the way I need to reciprocate, because he doesn’t like those things. I am focussing on what I should be doing and saying instead of his behavior because I can’t change him, so I need to focus on my own conduct to make sure I do what is best for him.
 
JoanneSmith said:
So my husband is going to legally change his name to an Arabic name whether I like it or not. I don’t, I think it will be a bad move. He thinks it is going to help him be closer to God and lead a more spiritual life. He says I have to call him by his new name, and if I don’t I am not allowed to call him by his given name so he will correct we if I do it. **He also thinks that as a Catholic I am supposed to obey my husband **and not doing a good thing by refusing this request. Do I have to call him by his new name? I think this is a bad idea, I find calling him a different uncomfortable and kind of gross, and it kind of offends me. He also replaced his wedding ring with a ring that says something in Arabic on it, I am hurt but I don’t want to argue about it.
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Lots of red flags in this post, but this is the biggest one. I have no problem with Muslims, but your husband seems to be going down a weird path.
 
Precisely.

Apparently he is going the road of Islam.

I personally would not stay in that marriage. I would consult many priests on this issue. If he goes the route of strict Sharia fundamentalism as interpereted by Hezbollah, then you and your family will eventually be in severe danger.

I am quite concerned that he is using ‘Catholicsm’ to impose his will in this regard.

IMHO, I would seperate now and tell him why, only if I felt safe to do so.

His behavior needs to be confronted. Now. For his sake. For the sake of the children, if any. And for your sake.

Just IMHO.
 
My understanding is that a Muslim woman is forbidden from marrying non-Muslim man, because in the Muslim understanding the man is the guardian and and “trustee” of the woman. It is not permitted for a non-Muslim to be the “trustee” of Muslim, because a non-Muslim theist will not permit his Muslim wife to practice Islam. In contrast (by Muslim teaching of at least some imams, I do not mean by Catholic teaching), the Muslim husband is not permitted to prevent a Christian or Jewish wife from going to the synagogue or church to practice her religion. He is bound to let her practice her beliefs, if she believes in the divine teachings that were the forerunners of Islam.

Shaykh Dr. Yusuf al-Qaradawi wrote:

*"The Muslim woman is not given in marriage except to a Muslim, according to the saying of the Most High: “Wed not idolatresses till they believe,” and then He says “…and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe…” [Qur’an 2:221]. Then He made an exception, saying, “The food of the People of the Book is lawful unto you and yours is lawful unto them. (Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book” [Qur’an 5:5]. Thus it is permitted to marry chaste women among the People of the Book, but it is not permissible for men (among the People of the Book) to marry Muslim women.

"This wisdom is this: The Muslim believes in all the messengers, including Moses and Jesus (peace be upon them). (He also believes in) all the books, including the Torah and the Gospel. On the other hand, the People of the Book only believe in their messengers and their books. Islam has permitted for the wife from the People of the Book who is married to a Muslim to go to her places of worship, such as the church or temple. On the other hand, the People of the Book do not permit the Muslim wife–if they had married her–to go to the mosque and manifest the rituals of Islam. *

and from al-Azhar:
*
"It is true that Islam permits the Muslim man to marry a non-Muslim woman (Christian or Jewish), and does not permit a Muslim woman to marry a non-Muslim man. At first glance, this might seem like inequality. But if one understands the true reason for this, one ceases to wonder, and ceases to imagine that it is inequality. For Islam has a point of view on this which clarifies the wisdom behind it. All laws in Islam are based on wisdom and true benefit for all parties.

"Marriage in Islam is based on “love and mercy” and cohabitation. Islam seeks to build the family on sure foundations, which are guaranteed to perpetuate the marital relationship. Islam is also a religion which respects all of the previous divine religions, and makes faith in all of the previous prophets part and parcel of the Islamic creed. Therefore if a Muslim man is married to a Christian or Jewish woman, he is commanded to respect her creed. He is not permitted–from the Islamic point of view–to prevent her from practicing the rites of her religion, and going for that reason to her church or temple. *

That is what Islam teaches, according to my understanding. As far as what he is doing with the wedding ring he pledged to wear when he married you, this may be something to look into. It is likely you could not inquire on your own, but perhaps your pastor can inquire with his imam? Then you could talk to your pastor about what your situation is?
 
You know if there are other problems in your relationship, but it seems like your husband wants to control you. If not, it is completely different. Why do you get uncomfortable with his name change? It would be uncomfortable until you get used to it, but if it is something that makes him happy and there are no other issues, I do not see a problem with it.I think too many people refuse to do things to make their spouses happy and that is why the divorce rate is so high. Again, since I do not know the whole story of your relationship, I can answer based only on what you wrote.
 
Pretty sure your Husband is just following many Christians interpretation of a marriage, which you can read more about here - jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Feminism/everything.htm.

But I truly believe he’s bringing it up from a Christian perspective, in hope that you won’t object to him changing his name.

Whoever said “his family is now in danger” should rethink and avoid spreading false Islamaphobia.
 
exoflare said:
I think for better understanding of her situation you guys should read this other thread first:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=687452

OP, what kind of progress has been made regarding all the stuff you mentioned back then?
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Based on that thread, she is not facing a vanilla get-your-answer-on-the-forum kind of question. This is work for a flesh and blood pastor to help her through, and maybe a counsellor on top of that.
 
Perseveranze said:
Pretty sure your Husband is just following many Christians interpretation of a marriage, which you can read more about here - jesus-is-savior.com/Evils%20in%20America/Feminism/everything.htm.

But I truly believe he’s bringing it up from a Christian perspective, in hope that you won’t object to him changing his name.

Whoever said “his family is now in danger” should rethink and avoid spreading false Islamaphobia.
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Jesus-is-savior.com is not representative of “many Christians,” much less “most Christians.” It represents the anti-Catholic fundamentalist fringe. And if you think that it really does represent Christianity, you need to rethink and avoid spreading falsehoods about Christianity.

-ACEGC
 
I’m all for trying to make a marriage work, but it sounds like there may be far too many issues with him.

Also, from the sounds of it he is a baptized Catholic (even if he had left the faith by the time you met him). You were not Catholic when you married him. I am assuming you were not married in the Catholic Church, and because he was Catholic, but presumably did not fill out any paperwork to marry you, it sounds like you have an ideal case for an annulment because it was an invalid marriage.
 
The other things going on, I took the advice about listening to Catholic podcasts and turning on EWTN and he likes that I guess. Sometimes he stands close to the iPod while I am making dinner or lunch to listen to Catholic Answers or Dr Ray. He likes Patrick Coffin’s sense of humor and Dr Ray’s jokes. He is back at work again, but he will be going to a Catholic marriage lecture thing with me this month about theology of the body, and I didn’t even ask him to go.

He is backing off on sending erotic emails, he said he is just trying to get some flirtation or passion going. He seemed to listen when I told him it is a turn off for me, but he says I should send him erotica and sexy pics and that is the same as me asking for flowers or love letters. He says he knows I don’t like it but since he does I should make compromises or accommodations for that. He says he isn’t looking for porn he just wants me to send naked pics because he misses me and wants to see me. I think if he starts pressuring me again I might just delete my email address and facebook and get rid of my smart phone.

I am not afraid of him, so when he sends me emails about how he has some rules for me like I have to wear skirts once a week and makeup everyday, and I have to call him his new name and do sexual things I dislike sometimes, I just ignore it or tell him no. He has difficulty connecting with people on a deeper level and I think that part of it is misunderstanding how a relationship goes, and how to communicate what he wants. If he likes to see me in a skirt and makeup that’s great, I’m cool with it and will remember it, but if I fail to do it once a week I am not rejecting him.

He says his problem right now is when I ask him to do something, like getting me flowers, he does it without complaint, and he doesn’t really ask anything of me and the things he asks are refused. My problem is that it grosses me out to call my husband another man’s name and it’s hard for me to deal with the criticism about being prude and secretly hating his religion. I’ve talked to two priests about this, one said “just call him darling” and the other one didn’t comment about whether I should call him his new name or not. They both know him and tell me he is a good man, just keep loving him and praying for him. I pray and pray and I get so frustrated because I need some hope here, I am running out.

Also I kind of screwed up recently. He is always saying that the men at my parish and the kids school are too chatty and effeminate and maybe they are gay. So one day when he brought up the name thing I said it was gay. I love my husband and respect him, I shouldn’t have said that.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
I’m all for trying to make a marriage work, but it sounds like there may be far too many issues with him.

Also, from the sounds of it he is a baptized Catholic (even if he had left the faith by the time you met him). You were not Catholic when you married him. I am assuming you were not married in the Catholic Church, and because he was Catholic, but presumably did not fill out any paperwork to marry you, it sounds like you have an ideal case for an annulment because it was an invalid marriage.
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No, this would be a bad idea. We married in the Church immediately following my entrance into the Church, and we have 6 kids under ten, and one has a high maintenance chronic illness. I don’t think my husband being weird is really a good reason to split anyhow.

I think I give the wrong impression of him, he always compromises his faith for my sake, and he uses that to try to get me to compromise my faith for him (mostly sexually), but I don’t. If I give an inch he will ask for more, he always does. Maybe that is the problem. If I give in, I know it won’t be long before he starts asking me to do something else I don’t like.
 
ABEACHGIRL said:
You know if there are other problems in your relationship, but it seems like your husband wants to control you. If not, it is completely different. Why do you get uncomfortable with his name change? It would be uncomfortable until you get used to it, but if it is something that makes him happy and there are no other issues, I do not see a problem with it.I think too many people refuse to do things to make their spouses happy and that is why the divorce rate is so high. Again, since I do not know the whole story of your relationship, I can answer based only on what you wrote.
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I’m afraid he might lose his job, because he works overseas and would have to re-accomplish all his passport and work visa stuff. I am afraid he will become more alienated from other people because he is not very social and people will treat him badly because most people around here view Islam negatively. I am afraid he is doing this as a public rejection of his baptism. I wonder if he is trying to distance himself from my devout Catholicism because I am a poor representative of the faith. I’m afraid this won’t satisfy him and he will want me to participate more in Islam to make him happy.
 
JoanneSmith said:
I wonder if he is trying to distance himself from my devout Catholicism because I am a poor representative of the faith. I’m afraid this won’t satisfy him and he will want me to participate more in Islam to make him happy.
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Perhaps you are not aware how controling he is. It’s all about him, isn’t it? TWhy do you say you are a poor representative of your faith? Spiritual pride is a sin, but puting yourself down like this suggests that he might be convincing you that that is the case. He obviously has issues and his rejection of Catholicism probably has nothing to do with you.
 
JoanneSmith said:
I’m afraid he might lose his job, because he works overseas and would have to re-accomplish all his passport and work visa stuff. I am afraid he will become more alienated from other people because he is not very social and people will treat him badly because most people around here view Islam negatively. I am afraid he is doing this as a public rejection of his baptism. I wonder if he is trying to distance himself from my devout Catholicism because I am a poor representative of the faith. I’m afraid this won’t satisfy him and he will want me to participate more in Islam to make him happy.
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That is a lot of worries to carry around by yourself. Going through* a phase in life* where we think the universe would be made right if it were only all about us doesn’t mean we must have an organic or persistent psychological disorder, but it also doesn’t mean we’d be just all right if only our parents or spouse or friends were saints instead of simply doing their best.

Please talk to your pastor. Baptism doesn’t put the whole world on our shoulders. Baptism puts our whole world on the shoulders of God. God is OK with that…“the Lord is my shepherd.”

This was my favorite psalm when times were rough; I’ve had a copy up on my bathroom mirror ever since:

*If the LORD were not my help,
I would long have been silent in the grave.

When I say, “My foot is slipping,”
your mercy, LORD, holds me up.

When cares increase within me,
your comfort gives me joy.*

Psalm 94:17-19
 
JoanneSmith said:
I’m afraid he might lose his job, because he works overseas and would have to re-accomplish all his passport and work visa stuff. I am afraid he will become more alienated from other people because he is not very social and people will treat him badly because most people around here view Islam negatively. I am afraid he is doing this as a public rejection of his baptism. I wonder if he is trying to distance himself from my devout Catholicism because I am a poor representative of the faith. I’m afraid this won’t satisfy him and he will want me to participate more in Islam to make him happy.
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I"m assuming you’re in the USA because you didn’t say. Do not, do NOT, under any circumstances, leave the USA if that’s where you are.
 
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