Update: Husband changing his name

[1inICXC]

No, this would be a bad idea. We married in the Church immediately following my entrance into the Church, and we have 6 kids under ten, and one has a high maintenance chronic illness. I don’t think my husband being weird is really a good reason to split anyhow.

I think I give the wrong impression of him, he always compromises his faith for my sake, and he uses that to try to get me to compromise my faith for him (mostly sexually), but I don’t. If I give an inch he will ask for more, he always does. Maybe that is the problem. If I give in, I know it won’t be long before he starts asking me to do something else I don’t like.

no, your husband is not weird, he is sick. Gravely so. He is also undermining your marriage by living contrary to his marital vows. Your dignity as a human being is trampled on and based on the isolationist behavior he exhibits I would venture to say he is addicted to porn to the point of developing a psychosis, which porn is known to produce.
You should not be going along with this man’s demands!
There may be some hope if he agrees to go into therapy and give up porn, if not, things will keep spirling downhill.

God help you! Pray like you’ve never prayed before!

 

[vera_dicere]

.
He says he isn’t looking for porn he just wants me to send naked pics because he misses me and wants to see me. I think if he starts pressuring me again I might just delete my email address and facebook and get rid of my smart phone.

You need to get your kids and leave, head to another family member or friend’s home. This sort of thing, and the other things you’ve mentioned show he’s not a well individual, and you need to consider your safety, and most importantly, that of your children. I’m not advoctating you head off to the divorce courts this afternoon, but perhaps some time apart will force him to address his many,many issues.

Not to mention,DO NOT SEND NAKED PICTURES OF YOURSELF!!! If this thing does go pear shaped, you really want naked pictures of you floating around?

I suggest you write a letter and leave it with him to ponder. Yes, Christian women are to submit to their husbands, but husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, your husband is not doing that. Your husband’s faith in Catholicism must be unshakable, he is charged with the protection of you and your children, and has the role of guiding you all in the faith with the goal of reaching Heaven.

Your husband is not leading you to Heaven.

And as others have said, pray like you’ve never prayed before!

 

[JoanneSmith]

Perhaps you are not aware how controling he is. It’s all about him, isn’t it? TWhy do you say you are a poor representative of your faith? Spiritual pride is a sin, but puting yourself down like this suggests that he might be convincing you that that is the case. He obviously has issues and his rejection of Catholicism probably has nothing to do with you.

You are probably right, it’s hard for me to see him as controlling because I simply don’t do what he tells me to do if I think it is wrong. I think I am a poor representative because I have become short-tempered with him and the kids, and neglect my household because of my emotional distress.

He says he can’t wrap his mind around why I don’t do the things he wants but he is “over it.” He says he does things he doesn’t like for me, like going to Mass, but I don’t do the same for him.

I can’t talk to my pastor right now because he has been very ill for a couple weeks. I really need some Catholic support and prayers, I’m going to stay married. And any ideas for being a good, joyful Catholic wife while dealing with the disappointment that I can’t make my husband happy and he isn’t at all interested in my faith.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

You are probably right, it’s hard for me to see him as controlling because I simply don’t do what he tells me to do if I think it is wrong. I think I am a poor representative because I have become short-tempered with him and the kids, and neglect my household because of my emotional distress.

He says he can’t wrap his mind around why I don’t do the things he wants but he is “over it.” He says he does things he doesn’t like for me, like going to Mass, but I don’t do the same for him.

I can’t talk to my pastor right now because he has been very ill for a couple weeks. I really need some Catholic support and prayers, I’m going to stay married. And any ideas for being a good, joyful Catholic wife while dealing with the disappointment that I can’t make my husband happy and he isn’t at all interested in my faith.

There are a lot of signs of him being emotionally abusive. You would know better than us (as you live in the household), but you do need to decide whether or not staying with him is detrimental to your children. There are enough circumstances in this marriage to warrant leaving. It is honorable that you are trying to work through them, but he sounds like he is getting worse not better. To be honest, some of the issues you have relayed are beyond my wildest imagination of how a husband could possibly treat his wife.

 

[iloveangels]

You need to see a lawyer and get some things explained to you. Don’t leave the US with or without this man. It’s very important.

 

[JoanneSmith]

There are a lot of signs of him being emotionally abusive. You would know better than us (as you live in the household), but you do need to decide whether or not staying with him is detrimental to your children. There are enough circumstances in this marriage to warrant leaving. It is honorable that you are trying to work through them, but he sounds like he is getting worse not better. To be honest, some of the issues you have relayed are beyond my wildest imagination of how a husband could possibly treat his wife.

He doesn’t treat me like this when he is home, he just does through email when he is at work.

You need to see a lawyer and get some things explained to you. Don’t leave the US with or without this man. It’s very important.

I am not leaving the US. Maybe you don’t understand, he works in overseas construction in a country in Southeast Asia. We live in the US and he has to travel there for work. There is no reason I would leave the country, except maybe to visit Rome.

 

[WingsOfEagles]

From what you’ve said, it sounds like the abuse is more to you than the kids. However, as your kids get older, they will start to pick up on something being not quite right, especially if he insists on using an Arabic name.

 

[iloveangels]

He doesn’t treat me like this when he is home, he just does through email when he is at work.

I am not leaving the US. Maybe you don’t understand, he works in overseas construction in a country in Southeast Asia. We live in the US and he has to travel there for work. There is no reason I would leave the country, except maybe to visit Rome.

Just see a lawyer, okay? You’re not the only person who’s ever had this happen to them.

 

[exoflare]

Just see a lawyer, okay? You’re not the only person who’s ever had this happen to them.

I agree, see a lawyer asap. It’s really troubling how you keep making excuses for your husband despite everything.

 

[JoanneSmith]

He just gave up. Says he won’t bother me about sexting anymore and realizes I don’t want to share in his religious journey. He says he doesn’t understand why I am not being supportive and won’t give him what he wants romantically, but he is just not going to talk about it anymore.

 

[bjconk01]

I’m a very new Catholic, so please forgive me if I don’t have the best spiritual advice. I think you did the right thing in consulting your priest to start.

However, your husband’s behavior towards you is extremely disturbing, particularly the pressure to perform sexual acts that are uncomfortable. Whether it’s because those acts are not pleasurable to you or that they make you feel guilty or degraded, you should not be expected to “perform” acts that make you uncomfortable in any way. That’s a huge red flag for me.

I don’t believe the Catholic faith condones a wife’s absolute submission to her spouse no matter what. I think your faith in God should come even before your devotion to your husband, especially when your husband is not a Christian - and it seems very clear that yours isn’t. Certainly you can respect his faith, but you should not be expected to participate in it in any way.

I have no judgment regarding whether or not to stay in your marriage - that’s between you and God - but I do think you and your husband need some serious therapy. Your priest can probably point you in the direction of a good Catholic therapist, and the church might help financially if cost is an issue. Even if he won’t go (he seems in desperate need of therapy, but it won’t work if he goes against his will), you still should. There are clearly boundary issues that you need to deal with if you are going to stay in the marriage and keep your sanity.

Trust yourself - you are right to feel weird about the name change, his requirements, and his sexual demands - it’s your gut telling you that these things really aren’t right. They aren’t.

I hope this helps.

God Bless!