T
tinamn
Guest
I could not find my previous post, but wanted to provide an update and maybe get some advice or thoughts on the current situation.
My last update was that over Easter my husband had gotten drunk, upset my sister (who then contacted his work), fell down the stairs and broke his foot.
He was sober for just shy of 6 weeks, but his birthday was this past Saturday and he told me he needed to “Let loose and get a little drunk.” I told him I’d take the kids to my parents for the weekend, or we could rent him a hotel room (which honestly I think is being much more generous than I need to be), but he absolutely refused and insisted he get to see his kids.
He bought a 12 pk of beer and a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. Said he’d only drink for Friday and Sat. I told him we had an agreement before and that I would be taking the kids and he just flew off then handle - said he felt he had to make that agreement “under duress” and that he can’t live under the “constant threat” of me taking the kids from him.
He ended up giving the bottle to my dad, but went out Sat morning and bought a 1 liter bottle, drank the whole thing and insisted I go get him more. I refused. He said he “might die from withdrawal.” I was super nice (sarcasm) and told him he had to deal with the consequences of his choices (he didn’t die). He then had 3- 20oz beers at the restaurant on Sunday to “celebrate Mother’s Day.”
So now… he doesn’t want to drive to work because he says he doesn’t trust me… he thinks I’m going to pack up the kids and leave. He wants to move because he says we live too close to my parents and I just run to them whenever we have a marital problem (this doesn’t seem like a “marital” problem… not to say we don’t have those too, but this is a drinking problem).
He says he should be able to drink whenever he wants as long as he doesn’t drink like he did before (though he bought 2.75 liters of vodka for just 2 days of drinking… so it doesn’t seem like he has plans to not drink like before).
Beyond all of this, he says no one respects him because my dad came out to check on the kids when he found out my husband was drinking; my dad lost it on him and told him to straighten up. He told my husband he doesn’t care if he went 6 weeks without drinking, as we just threw it down the drain by drinking again. My husband says it’s not fair that everyone discounts how well he has been doing… and while I see his point to a degree, it makes me angry when all he can focus on is how well he did… when he’s back to drinking.
So he is not drinking as of Sunday after we left the restaurant. But he’s just super overbearing now. He wants to work from home, in my office, to make sure I’m not making plans to leave him, and to make sure I’m not talking with other men. He says my parents aren’t allowed to visit the house (nor is my sister).
Lately he has been upset if he calls and I either a) can’t answer the phone because I’m working or dealing with kid stuff or b) I answer but I’m in the middle of things so I sound frustrated (I try not to, but honestly it’s not just him, I’d be frustrated if I had to answer the phone for anyone during some of those times - bath time for the kids, for example).
He was upset that my BIL volunteered to put up our DIY playset while he was at work - he insisted I have someone else there with me so I wasn’t “tempted.” He got upset that I took the kids to swimming lessons and while we were there, me and the kids sat in the gym with BIL and watched my niece’s volleyball game while we waited for it to be our lesson time (10 minutes).
Now don’t get me wrong here… I realize most, if not all of this, is red flag stuff. My struggle comes in when he argues that everything that happened (me taking the kids before, not answering his calls, staying with my parents, etc) has made him insecure and this is a normal response. I recognize that it’s not, not really… but at the same time when I try to put myself in his shoes, I can see where I’d probably be a bit insecure too… so I start rationalizing etc.
SO, I guess I’m just curious, besides the “get yourself and your kids out of there now!” comments (because I truly don’t feel in danger), what should be done here? Counseling? Does any of this seem salvageable? I made a forever vow, and it’s for-better-or-for-worse… at the same time, this whole situation is truly bringing me down and at what point do I have the right to say that I don’t have to stand for the controlling, the drinking, the arrogance, etc? I’m just so exhausted with all of this (and four kids, 2 cats and 1 dog) that it gets hard to look forward in the situation.
Sorry for the long post.
My last update was that over Easter my husband had gotten drunk, upset my sister (who then contacted his work), fell down the stairs and broke his foot.
He was sober for just shy of 6 weeks, but his birthday was this past Saturday and he told me he needed to “Let loose and get a little drunk.” I told him I’d take the kids to my parents for the weekend, or we could rent him a hotel room (which honestly I think is being much more generous than I need to be), but he absolutely refused and insisted he get to see his kids.
He bought a 12 pk of beer and a 1.75 liter bottle of vodka. Said he’d only drink for Friday and Sat. I told him we had an agreement before and that I would be taking the kids and he just flew off then handle - said he felt he had to make that agreement “under duress” and that he can’t live under the “constant threat” of me taking the kids from him.
He ended up giving the bottle to my dad, but went out Sat morning and bought a 1 liter bottle, drank the whole thing and insisted I go get him more. I refused. He said he “might die from withdrawal.” I was super nice (sarcasm) and told him he had to deal with the consequences of his choices (he didn’t die). He then had 3- 20oz beers at the restaurant on Sunday to “celebrate Mother’s Day.”
So now… he doesn’t want to drive to work because he says he doesn’t trust me… he thinks I’m going to pack up the kids and leave. He wants to move because he says we live too close to my parents and I just run to them whenever we have a marital problem (this doesn’t seem like a “marital” problem… not to say we don’t have those too, but this is a drinking problem).
He says he should be able to drink whenever he wants as long as he doesn’t drink like he did before (though he bought 2.75 liters of vodka for just 2 days of drinking… so it doesn’t seem like he has plans to not drink like before).
Beyond all of this, he says no one respects him because my dad came out to check on the kids when he found out my husband was drinking; my dad lost it on him and told him to straighten up. He told my husband he doesn’t care if he went 6 weeks without drinking, as we just threw it down the drain by drinking again. My husband says it’s not fair that everyone discounts how well he has been doing… and while I see his point to a degree, it makes me angry when all he can focus on is how well he did… when he’s back to drinking.
So he is not drinking as of Sunday after we left the restaurant. But he’s just super overbearing now. He wants to work from home, in my office, to make sure I’m not making plans to leave him, and to make sure I’m not talking with other men. He says my parents aren’t allowed to visit the house (nor is my sister).
Lately he has been upset if he calls and I either a) can’t answer the phone because I’m working or dealing with kid stuff or b) I answer but I’m in the middle of things so I sound frustrated (I try not to, but honestly it’s not just him, I’d be frustrated if I had to answer the phone for anyone during some of those times - bath time for the kids, for example).
He was upset that my BIL volunteered to put up our DIY playset while he was at work - he insisted I have someone else there with me so I wasn’t “tempted.” He got upset that I took the kids to swimming lessons and while we were there, me and the kids sat in the gym with BIL and watched my niece’s volleyball game while we waited for it to be our lesson time (10 minutes).
Now don’t get me wrong here… I realize most, if not all of this, is red flag stuff. My struggle comes in when he argues that everything that happened (me taking the kids before, not answering his calls, staying with my parents, etc) has made him insecure and this is a normal response. I recognize that it’s not, not really… but at the same time when I try to put myself in his shoes, I can see where I’d probably be a bit insecure too… so I start rationalizing etc.
SO, I guess I’m just curious, besides the “get yourself and your kids out of there now!” comments (because I truly don’t feel in danger), what should be done here? Counseling? Does any of this seem salvageable? I made a forever vow, and it’s for-better-or-for-worse… at the same time, this whole situation is truly bringing me down and at what point do I have the right to say that I don’t have to stand for the controlling, the drinking, the arrogance, etc? I’m just so exhausted with all of this (and four kids, 2 cats and 1 dog) that it gets hard to look forward in the situation.
Sorry for the long post.
