Update on old situation and some input wanted

[buckr02]

Hello everybody!

Boy oh boy oh boy, I certainly have been busy these last few weeks.

As many of you here know from my previous threads, there has been a girl in my life that I have been crazy about since I met her almost five years ago. I had been asking advice here about what I should do regarding our situation and at some points, it looked very grim and about two weeks ago I was just about ready to let go of her and to move on with my life.

Well, this last week has seen a complete reversal. Over the last two months or so, she and I had been talking about where our relationship was leading and I was trying to figure out if I was wasting my time hoping that something that would happen and she was not ready to give an answer.

Well, about a week ago, thanks to some help from someone on these boards through PMing (won’t say who in case they don’t want me to), I was prepared to let her go. Things got pretty interesting though since then. I asked her to call me last Saturday night to talk about things and in the ensuing 3 hour phone conversation, I finally told myself, “you know what? forget this, I’m tired of beating around the bush and trying to figure out if we are going to date at some point,” and instead I just asked her, “will you be my girlfriend.”

I expected that if she said yes, then hooray! and if no, then at least I got my answer and some closure and could move on with things.

Well, we decided to meet the next day to talk about this in person, and this was the verdict… she told me that she has always just seen me as a friend and wasn’t sure if she felt anything for me more, but if I was willing, she wanted to give it a “test run” and see how things go. She wasn’t sure if being in this new relationship where we no longer are just friends would help her to figure out her feelings. To be honest, I’m still confused as to how she feels about me. But she made it clear that she doesn’t want my feelings to be hurt and if she knew for sure that she liked me as just a friend, she would not have wanted to give this a shot.

So we did in the end decide to give it a try. We’re not boyfriend/girlfriend officially, but we are in a relationship and the agreement is that once she knows whether or not it’s going to work or how she feels, she can either say that it’s just not working out and there doesn’t have to be a breakup, because there is no actual commitment at this point or that she wants more .

Well anyway, I wanted to let everyone know what was happening. I have waited five years to ask this girl out, so I am perfectly fine with just doing this test run even though she may only like me as a friend, because if I don’t at least try, I will always wonder what would have happened if I had.

However, does anyone have any thoughts on this situation? Think I am being dumb for dragging my feelings along even though she said she only has ever seen me as a friend?

 

[duskyjewel]

Take my amateur psychologizing for what it’s worth, but…

It seems to me she is intent on making sure the power dynamic in this relationship stays in her favor. Nothing is official, you are not allowed to define it, she has unilateral veto power over where it goes and where it doesn’t.

That you are going along with all this seems to me to be where the saying came from, “Nice guys finish last.”

I am not going to tell you you are being dumb. All love is a risk. Just make sure you’re not being used for a power trip and that your rights, needs, and feelings are respected. If she loves you, fulfilling your best interests should be her goal…

 

[buckr02]

Take my amateur psychologizing for what it’s worth, but…

It seems to me she is intent on making sure the power dynamic in this relationship stays in her favor. Nothing is official, you are not allowed to define it, she has unilateral veto power over where it goes and where it doesn’t.

That you are going along with all this seems to me to be where the saying came from, “Nice guys finish last.”

I am not going to tell you you are being dumb. All love is a risk. Just make sure you’re not being used for a power trip and that your rights, needs, and feelings are respected. If she loves you, fulfilling your best interests should be her goal…

Don’t worry, I had wondered for awhile whether she was just using me and dragging my along, but after talking about things on that Sunday when we made the decision, I was fully convinced that she really cares about not hurting me and is not at all in this for a power trip. I have had a lot of trouble trusting her on a lot of things, but this I do trust her on, so that’s saying something.

 

[chevalier]

It does say something that she spent three hours on the phone with you. It does say something that even though she had always seen you as a friend, she was willing to give it a try. This makes me want to believe her. Now it is understandable, in such circumstances, that she would like to take it slowly, move at her own pace and have things happen as naturally as possible.

This said, I will have some advice for you. Indeed Duskyjewel brings up valid points and you need to make sure your rights, feelings and needs are respected. However, I would rely on seeing how things go rather than making arrangements. See if she can respect you and be good to you when you don’t make her. The test is also for you. It works both ways. You have the same rights as she does. What differs is that while you are actively interested, she is not, which makes it reasonable that she needs space and extra gentleness on your part. I would suggest you find yourself a hobby instead of thinking about her all the time and needing her presence because of this need of space and slow approach on her part. As an icebreaker, I would suggest flowers, but you need to let her see the real you. Therefore you shouldn’t overdo the proving yourself and passing the exam part, but rather let her experience you in causal situations.

And yes, I’ve been in similar situations. A little bit different, but some things have been similar.

 

[timotheos]

Hi buckr02,

I don’t know your situation, but congrats to you for deciding that this is the fork in the road.

Two things stand out to me -

there has been a girl in my life that I have been crazy about since I met her almost five years ago.

she told me that she has always just seen me as a friend and wasn’t sure if she felt anything for me more

My 2 cents: In the secular world, based on the difference in attraction alone, I would say … hmmm, sounds like the relationship politics will ultimately not be in your favor. But in the Catholic world, as you know, your feeling of attraction for her is not love, it’s just a feeling. And, feelings like this have the potential of getting in the way between you and God, if they haven’t already. You biggest challenge will be to master this, in spite of the possibility that you really don’t want to let this feeling go.

Just my opinion, of course. My prayers are with you.

-Tim

 

[buckr02]

hmmm, sounds like the relationship politics will ultimately not be in your favor.

I guess only time will tell

But in the Catholic world, as you know, your feeling of attraction for her is not love, it’s just a feeling.

Who said my attraction to her is just a feeling?

 

[monicatholic]

buck, this is important:

To be honest, I’m still confused as to how she feels about me.

to be honest, buck, she seems confused about how she feels about you, too. after 5 years, that’s not a hopeful sign.

she’s willing to continue to meander about with you after 5 years of meandering about with you. i choose friends with more ambition and direction than that. you might should, too.

Jesus said he spits the lukewarm out of his mouth. putting up with tepid responses isn’t Christian charity. or optimism. time is a gift from God for which we will account.

i have a lot to offer. i’m smart and steady and committed and brave as any. i want to be in a relationship with someone who had MUCH more intention and attention of the gifts God has given me. if a person doesn’t know what he/she thinks about me after 5 years, that person just ain’t paying attention or just doesn’t care.

duskeyjewel made some tough-to-take points that are very valid. other posters backed up the general theme. that’s an unattractive prospect to you so they must be wrong. can you sense the blindspot of your conclusion?

buck, if you were my brother of pal, i’d be asking in peace and goodwill, and i’m likewise asking now in peace and goodwill: if this turns out disappointingly, buck, do you realize you don’t get to blame her (not credibly, anyway) for misleading you? if this turns out disappointingly, it’s because you kept the blinders on. you won’t be a victim. you’ll be a volunteer. are you willing to shake on that going in?

in the end, buck, the solution to your dilemna is the same as every good solution that ever happened: the truth will set you free. every time.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

However, does anyone have any thoughts on this situation? Think I am being dumb for dragging my feelings along even though she said she only has ever seen me as a friend?

What have you got to lose? Now you know for sure that she’s at least considering it. My advice is to take things slow, and let her take the lead. It’s not to say that you’ll let her control the relationship, but rather you should have your own “bottom lines,” so that you don’t always give in; otherwise, she’ll just think you’re a doormat. At any rate, I think you’re in a good place right now. Just have fun and enjoy it!

Best of luck to the both of you!

 

[Hater_free]

All I’ll say on this issue is to trust in God & only God and pray to Him to lead you in your steps. Be careful when asking for advice because not all advice is good advice. Keep in mind God’s time is not our time & His ways are not our ways. Follow your heart. Imma pray for you. Keep the faith bro God bless you & all on hear & everywhere.

“Seek no advice from one who regards you with hostility;from those who envy you,keep your intentions hidden.Speak not to a woman about her rival,nor to a coward about war,to a merchant about business,to a buyer about value,to a miser about generosity,to a cruel man about mercy,to a lazy man about work,to a seasonal laborer about harvest,to an idle slave about great task, pay no attention to any advice they give.” Sirach 37:10-11

“Instead, associate with a religous man, who you are sure keeps the commandments; Who is like-minded with yourself and will feel for you if you fall. Then, too, heed your own heart’s counsel; for what have you that you can depend on more? A man’s conscience can tell him his situation better than seven watchmen in a lofty tower. Most important of all, pray to God to set your feet in the path of truth.” Sirach 37:12-15 (St. Joseph Edition)

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi buck Wow…whatta turnaround…I will say this…sometimes, the best relationship take time to blossom. But, be true to yourself. Don’t allow anyone to ever walk over you, or make you feel like you have to prove yourself to her. You have been very kind to this girl…and I’m hoping she sees that now, which is why she chooses to get involved with you. But, be true to yourself, meaning …respect yourself…and don’t allow her to take you on the rollercoaster ride she took you on for a while. That’s my advice. Good luck to you though–praying that things work out. It would be nice if you ended up married, after all of this effort!

 

[whatevergirl]

All I’ll say on this issue is to trust in God & only God and pray to Him to lead you in your steps. Be careful when asking for advice because not all advice is good advice. Keep in mind God’s time is not our time & His ways are not our ways. Follow your heart. Imma pray for you. Keep the faith bro God bless you & all on hear & everywhere.

“Seek no advice from one who regards you with hostility;from those who envy you,keep your intentions hidden.**Speak not to a woman about her rival,nor to a coward about war,to a merchant about business,to a buyer about value,to a miser about generosity,to a cruel man about mercy,to a lazy man about work,to a seasonal laborer about harvest,to an idle slave about great task, pay no attention to any advice they give.” **Sirach 37:10-11

“Instead, associate with a religous man, who you are sure keeps the commandments; Who is like-minded with yourself and will feel for you if you fall. Then, too, heed your own heart’s counsel; for what have you that you can depend on more? A man’s conscience can tell him his situation better than seven watchmen in a lofty tower. Most important of all, pray to God to set your feet in the path of truth.” Sirach 37:12-15 (St. Joseph Edition)

*Hi there

Not to take this thread OT…but, just curious, how does one translate the passage when it comes to the parts I bolded above. Does it mean that we are not to speak to people about those topics, or that we shouldn’t take advice from those people? I really like what you’ve posted…I think that it’s great advice. *

 

[Norseman82]

*Hi there

Not to take this thread OT…but, just curious, how does one translate the passage when it comes to the parts I bolded above. Does it mean that we are not to speak to people about those topics, or that we shouldn’t take advice from those people? I really like what you’ve posted…I think that it’s great advice. *

First, this turnaround…is a year old! Today seems to be the day to bump old threadfs from 2008.

Did you ever hear anyone tell someone “Yeah, like you’re in any position to talk”? Like if Fred Phelps started criticizing people for not being tactful in admonishing sinners or maintaining dignity at funerals? It is that type of irony that the passage seems to be referring to - that some people simply do not have either the knowledge or moral authority to speak on certain subjects.

 

[whatevergirl]

* oh my gosh, I thought this was a new update, buck!! (if you are still a member here…and er, still posting. lol) My advice still stands, one year later! lol

Thx for THAT update, Norseman.

Back to my question, yes I know what you’re saying…oh wait, it just clicked…and LIKEWISE we are not to discuss matters that are the opposite of where another person is, in his/her life? Am I even close? *

 

[Hater_free]

*Hi there

Not to take this thread OT…but, just curious, how does one translate the passage when it comes to the parts I bolded above. Does it mean that we are not to speak to people about those topics, or that we shouldn’t take advice from those people? I really like what you’ve posted…I think that it’s great advice. *

Not that you can’t speak to people but to be cautious as to who is giving the advice and what their motives or intentions are. For instance, I would be a little skeptical to take relationship advice from a person who isn’t able to hold down a serious relationship of their own and they keep making the same mistakes over & over with the same or worser results and never learn. Misery loves company. Also to trust in God before anyone or anything because God has no ulterior motives or anything else evil in Him. He is always gonna lead you in the right direction. God has never failed me ever but I can’t say the same things for other people whether family, friend or foe. God bless you & all on here & everywhere!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Not that you can’t speak to people but to be cautious as to who is giving the advice and what their motives or intentions are. For instance, I would be a little skeptical to take relationship advice from a person who isn’t able to hold down a serious relationship of their own and they keep making the same mistakes over & over with the same or worser results and never learn. Misery loves company. Also to trust in God before anyone or anything because God has no ulterior motives or anything else evil in Him. He is always gonna lead you in the right direction. God has never failed me ever but I can’t say the same things for other people whether family, friend or foe. God bless you & all on here & everywhere!!!

*I REALLY love that passage you quoted, for some reason. I’m not sure if I recall it. Thank you and Norseman for the clarification of it…I think I’m going to print this passage out.

Isn’t it just sooooo amazing that people were grappling with the same things that we do today? The Bible never ceases to surprise me, in a good way. *

 

[Norseman82]

* oh my gosh, I thought this was a new update, buck!! (if you are still a member here…and er, still posting. lol) My advice still stands, one year later! lol

Thx for THAT update, Norseman.

Back to my question, yes I know what you’re saying…oh wait, it just clicked…and LIKEWISE we are not to discuss matters that are the opposite of where another person is, in his/her life? Am I even close? *

Let me put it to you another way…how would you react if someone who was “shacking up”/cohabitating started to lecture you about sexual sin? I think that is a modern-day parallel of the examples given in Sirach (what a shame that book was thrown out of the Bible by the Protestants in the 1500s/1600s!)

 

[whatevergirl]

Let me put it to you another way…how would you react if someone who was “shacking up”/cohabitating started to lecture you about sexual sin? I think that is a modern-day parallel of the examples given in Sirach (what a shame that book was thrown out of the Bible by the Protestants in the 1500s/1600s!)

*Yes, got it. I guess I’m surprised that the Bible basically addressed busy bodies. I liken the saying to “don’t tell you friend to pull weeds out of their backyard, when you have plenty to pull in your own yard.” *

 

[Hater_free]

*I REALLY love that passage you quoted, for some reason. I’m not sure if I recall it. Thank you and Norseman for the clarification of it…I think I’m going to print this passage out.

Isn’t it just sooooo amazing that people were grappling with the same things that we do today? The Bible never ceases to surprise me, in a good way. *

No prob this is the stuff that Jesus wants us as bro’s and sisters to be doing all for His honor and glory. Is it the Sirach passage your referring to?

 

[buckr02]

Hello everyone,

I really have no idea how or why this thread was resurrected. It’s old news and a ton of stuff has happened since then, so the situation is completely different at this point.

Thanks anyway for the advice.

–buckr02