Update

[joandarc2008]

Yesterday we celebrated our one year anniversary. It is only through the grace of God and the sacrament of marriage that it happenned. My dh is doing much better through therapy, prayer, and medication.

Now- the next challenge- we are doing Christmas at my in-laws. This makes me very nervous. I know sooner or later my dh will be confronting his parents on everything especially their reactions to the abuse he suffered and the neglect they had for him. I am praying it is not Christmas that this comes out.

Thank you all CAF for your love and support.

 

[flyingfish]

Yesterday we celebrated our one year anniversary. It is only through the grace of God and the sacrament of marriage that it happenned. My dh is doing much better through therapy, prayer, and medication.

Now- the next challenge- we are doing Christmas at my in-laws. This makes me very nervous. I know sooner or later my dh will be confronting his parents on everything especially their reactions to the abuse he suffered and the neglect they had for him. I am praying it is not Christmas that this comes out.

Thank you all CAF for your love and support.

I am curious, if they abused your husband, why does he want to spend Christmas with them?

 

[joandarc2008]

I’m sorry this is all going back to a series of threads - basically he was molested and they took him to counseling at four and never went after the you -know-what that did it. They were more neglectful and pretty harmful examples. Then they had their epiphany and spiritual awakening and expect him to be OK with everything. It goes a lot deeper than that - there was much manipulation and they are now raising his daughter. But anyway I don’t want to be resentful - I want to be forgiving and have a relationship for the good of my stepdaughter. She has been adopted by them. Now that he has been through some serious therapy he does regret it which was my fear- but what is done is done. We need to get along for her good. Otherwise she just won’t get to see her father. That is sad but my MIL has been that manipulative in the past and we just need to be the best example we can be of Gods Will for us.

 

[flyingfish]

I’m sorry this is all going back to a series of threads - basically he was molested and they took him to counseling at four and never went after the you -know-what that did it. They were more neglectful and pretty harmful examples. Then they had their epiphany and spiritual awakening and expect him to be OK with everything. It goes a lot deeper than that - there was much manipulation and they are now raising his daughter. But anyway I don’t want to be resentful - I want to be forgiving and have a relationship for the good of my stepdaughter. She has been adopted by them. Now that he has been through some serious therapy he does regret it which was my fear- but what is done is done. We need to get along for her good. Otherwise she just won’t get to see her father. That is sad but my MIL has been that manipulative in the past and we just need to be the best example we can be of Gods Will for us.

Ahh, that’s terrible How old is the girl? Do the in laws at least treat her well?

 

[joandarc2008]

Ahh, that’s terrible How old is the girl? Do the in laws at least treat her well?

She is 11. The long and short of it is he was young when he had her, tried to the do the right thing and married the mother whom he had only dated for a month and it didn’t work out. That is why these things like premarital sex cause issues. Then he had a period of three years where he was diagnosed terminal. By the time that was recalled and he was stable enough in a relationship that would have been a two parent household his parents had already talked to her before him about adoption and basically told her that she wouldn’t see them if she didn’t to it so she asked her own father to terminate his rights. It was a very emotional time. Needless to say my MIL and I got into it a few times. I understand my dsd was very comfortable there as they do treat her well- overprotective - completely opposite from my dh but that is IMHO and my dh’s and is irrelevant at this point, and it would have been cruel to rip her out. At that point his parents saw it as one way or the other and no between or transition time so he did what he thought was best at the time knowing he wasn’t emotionally capable of caring for her yet. Now that he has been through the counseling that he has a lot has changed and there is much guilt and I am sure as he re-grieves the situation there will probably be anger towards them- again. I want to stay out to the middle this time. Last time I made the mistake of allowing myself to return some of the cheap shots from my MIL to the point that my in-laws were not even at our wedding. His grandmother handed me the flame for the unity candle.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi joan …congratulations to you! I am hopeful things continue to go well in your marriage. I was concerned I admit, but seems like you are both lovingly working on things, which is awesome.

Question, did your husband’s parents molest him? I only ask because if so, how on earth were they even given consideration in adopting his daughter? I might be confused on the details, but thought I’d ask. *

 

[joandarc2008]

*Hi joan …congratulations to you! I am hopeful things continue to go well in your marriage. I was concerned I admit, but seems like you are both lovingly working on things, which is awesome.

Question, did your husband’s parents molest him? I only ask because if so, how on earth were they even given consideration in adopting his daughter? I might be confused on the details, but thought I’d ask. *

No, he was molested by a babysitter at four. The babysitter was the son of their landlord. They never reported it. He felt abandoned. This started a cycle of anger and there was some physical abuse with his Dad that later changed when his Dad changed. Back then his Dad was very much a different person. I have less of an issue - then his Mom kind of backlashed and became the overbearing narcissist in the house but she did it from a right wing religious side where she is always right and God is on her side. The whole thing is kind of sick.

I don’t think what my dh did was right. I think it was the best thing he was able to do at the time from where he was at in his mind. If he was where he is now there would have been other avenues explored I’m sure.

 

[whatevergirl]

Oohhh…ok. Yeah, joan…that is a sad situation. My prayers with your husband, for his continued healing.

 

[joandarc2008]

Thank you - after Christmas the therapist plans on starting from age 4 and trying to put a whole mish mosh of events in chronological order and dealing with them one at a time. It will be a long process but a good one when it is done. Nothing worth doing is easy!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you - after Christmas the therapist plans on starting from age 4 and trying to put a whole mish mosh of events in chronological order and dealing with them one at a time. It will be a long process but a good one when it is done. Nothing worth doing is easy!!!

*You are a good wife, joan. I admire your patience…I hope things continue to go well. *

 

[joandarc2008]

Thanks, wg- You know, funny thing is that I used to not be so patient. I think marriage taught me patience because I had to have it out of love for my dh so God gave it to me. Yesterday we watched the video of our wedding mass and re-listened to the Homily and it made so much more sense now - although it made perfect sense then too. As long as MIL doesn’t try to hit me in the head with anything like two January’s ago then we’ll be OK.