Upon adopting children not dogs and cats

[heidi_storage]

Actually, he discussed pets in the context of a couple who are “sterile by choice”, not involuntarily:

I think you are taking his words out of context. The Church does not require that couples who are infertile seek adoption. Holy Father was suggesting that those couples who do not want children in lieu of a carefree, luxurious lifestyle can end up in a bad place. Not that infertile couples “should adopt children rather than pets”.

Yeah, that makes a lot more sense, and I think he’s accurately describing one contemporary outlook–I did read this absolutely appalling article somewhere in which the author explained how having her dog was so much better than having a kid.

 

[Avocadomom]

Crenfo, I feel your concern. I’m sorry to hear that. My best guess would be to find out exactly the one thing or reason for him not liking adoption. Do your best to convince him otherwise. My guess, without knowing your husband, has to do with pride, arrogance, and selfishness. All very hard to get rid of unless he is a Christian then prayer will be your strength. Good Luck. Our prayers will be with you.

What??

There are lots of reasons to be hesitant to adopt. It’s not like there are plenty of healthy newborns waiting for families to snap them up.

-The vast majority of children in foster care have health problems, emotional problems or developmental delay. Many people do not feel ready to take on the work, uncertainty and potential heartbreak of a child with these special needs.

-The vast majority of children in foster care are over the age of 2. Many people fear adopting a child who has “been through the ringer” and might never bond with his/her parents like a newborn would. Many people want the newborn experience.

-Foster care agencies work hard to reunify infants with a family member, so they are a very high-risk with regard to being removed from a foster home after many months or even years. You could literally raise a baby for a year and then lose it instantly when a distant relative of that child is found and agrees to take the child.

-Private adoptions of healthy newborns are extremely expensive (around $40,000) and risky. The mother can change her mind even after you take your baby home.

-Overseas adoptions are very expensive and require expensive travel. Some countries ban American parents from adopting their children. They also can take many years to work out, so even if you select an infant for adoption, chances are you won’t get to take that child home until he/she has languished in an orphanage for a long time. Those children very frequently have severe attachment and behavioral problems.

Adoption is a fabulous thing and I fully support it, but there are LOTS of reasons a couple or individual may decide it is not the right choice for them. None of them have to do with pride and selfishness, but rather with practicalities and knowing oneself.

 

[severus68]

What??

There are lots of reasons to be hesitant to adopt. It’s not like there are plenty of healthy newborns waiting for families to snap them up.

-The vast majority of children in foster care have health problems, emotional problems or developmental delay. Many people do not feel ready to take on the work, uncertainty and potential heartbreak of a child with these special needs.

-The vast majority of children in foster care are over the age of 2. Many people fear adopting a child who has “been through the ringer” and might never bond with his/her parents like a newborn would. Many people want the newborn experience.

-Foster care agencies work hard to reunify infants with a family member, so they are a very high-risk with regard to being removed from a foster home after many months or even years. You could literally raise a baby for a year and then lose it instantly when a distant relative of that child is found and agrees to take the child.

-Private adoptions of healthy newborns are extremely expensive (around $40,000) and risky. The mother can change her mind even after you take your baby home.

-Overseas adoptions are very expensive and require expensive travel. Some countries ban American parents from adopting their children. They also can take many years to work out, so even if you select an infant for adoption, chances are you won’t get to take that child home until he/she has languished in an orphanage for a long time. Those children very frequently have severe attachment and behavioral problems.

Adoption is a fabulous thing and I fully support it, but there are LOTS of reasons a couple or individual may decide it is not the right choice for them. None of them have to do with pride and selfishness, but rather with practicalities and knowing oneself.

I have to disagree in part with what you say above. You are correct in not attributing a negative reason for the husband’s refusal to adopt. I also agree that there are very few “desirable” children available for adoption. I accept that not all can take on children with physical or emotional problems.

We have so many threads and posts on children being blessings (which they are) and the Church not marrying a couple who does not want children, how such people are not called to marriage. Why is it then that some Catholics/Christians will only adopt babies of their own race.? Why not in charity and for the love of Christ take on older kids, those with health problems? Some do and I think they have extra blessings from God. So, I would say “Practise what you preach.” That was not addressed to you BTW.

 

[Avocadomom]

I have to disagree in part with what you say above. You are correct in not attributing a negative reason for the husband’s refusal to adopt. I also agree that there are very few “desirable” children available for adoption. I accept that not all can take on children with physical or emotional problems.

We have so many threads and posts on children being blessings (which they are) and the Church not marrying a couple who does not want children, how such people are not called to marriage. Why is it then that some Catholics/Christians will only adopt babies of their own race.? Why not in charity and for the love of Christ take on older kids, those with health problems? Some do and I think they have extra blessings from God. So, I would say “Practise what you preach.” That was not addressed to you BTW.

Oh, I agree with you - these children need to be taken care of. Someone needs to step up. But it’s not necessarily due to nasty motive that people are hesitant to jump into adoptions. They are, to put it mildly, complex.

 

[WilT]

Good arguments for and against child adoption but I’m afraid picking up somebody else’s child in adoption would be a cross to bear. One that Our Lord would be proud of.

 

[Viki63]

. I also agree that there are very few “desirable” children available for adoption. I accept that not all can take on children with physical or emotional problems.
.

I’m sure you didn’t mean this the way it sounds. Who is a “desirable” child? I think you mean the children that many couples would consider acceptable, such as white infants. All children are desirable to God, who loves each one.
And absolutely true, no one should be persuaded to adopt against his or her inclination. It’s too big a responsibility to take on half-heartedly.
But it’s not as horrific a burden as many posts indicate. We adopted two young children and are now going through the difficult teen years. I know we will get through them and have two lovely healthy adults.
There are many very young children in the foster system, because of so many parents having drug problems. We got our daughter at 10 months.
To address one concern, I think that now a plan for adoption or reunification must be made for a child within 18 months. So they don’t linger for years in foster care.
I hope no one will dismiss adoption without considering it; while it is not for the faint-hearted, it is for people who have a heart for children, all of whom need love.

 

[GEddie]

I’m sure you didn’t mean this the way it sounds. Who is a “desirable” child? I think you mean the children that many couples would consider acceptable, such as white infants. All children are desirable to God, who loves each one.

I doubt very much he meant anything hurtful. He did put the word desirable in quotes, after all, which to me anyway means he was not contrasting the desirability of children!

I don’t think it is helpful to conjecture why people prefer their own race, or a certain age or health condition, etc, for adoptive children. Adoption is the most “interpersonal” decision a husband and wife can make, second only to getting married in the first place. Would we fault someone for preferring their own race, etc, in finding someone to marry?

ICXC NIKA.

 

[severus68]

Oh, I agree with you - these children need to be taken care of. Someone needs to step up. But it’s not necessarily due to nasty motive that people are hesitant to jump into adoptions. They are, to put it mildly, complex.

I agree with all you say here. I think I went off tangent in making a point.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Would we fault someone for preferring their own race, etc, in finding someone to marry?

Personally, I definitely fault people who say that they don’t want to marry outside of their race.

As for adoption, I don’t necessarily fault individuals for not wanting to adopt outside their race, although I think that it shows a diminished capacity to truly love and care for a child, and a person who won’t adopt outside their race needs to think long and hard about their reasons for adoption. But I definitely fault our society, which has made it very difficult for interracial families to raise children of another race without being questioned, accused, stared at, or whispered about. That’s a big problem.

 

[GEddie]

Personally, I definitely fault people who say that they don’t want to marry outside of their race.

As for adoption, I don’t necessarily fault individuals for not wanting to adopt outside their race, although I think that it shows a diminished capacity to truly love and care for a child, and a person who won’t adopt outside their race needs to think long and hard about their reasons for adoption. But I definitely fault our society, which has made it very difficult for interracial families to raise children of another race without being questioned, accused, stared at, or whispered about. That’s a big problem.

It’s not just this country; indeed I believe that racial preferences in marriage and children are probably in part, innate.

ICXC NIKA

 

[MJJean]

Personally, I definitely fault people who say that they don’t want to marry outside of their race.

I’m surprised you’d say that. I said I’d not marry or date outside my race. Not because I am racist or have a problem with interracial relationships, but because I am simply not attracted to any other races physically. I have appreciated the stunning forms of men of many races and mixed races. But there is a difference between appreciating the form and being attracted to it. Not everyone is able to be physically attracted to people of different races and I think marrying someone you’re not attracted to is a very bad idea.

It’s funny, but back in the day when I was single I had a few offers from men of different races who seemed like good prospects and I wished I could feel attraction to them so we could try dating, but I just couldn’t. We like what we like.

 

[Avocadomom]

My 1/4 Asian kids are way too good for anyone who would rule them out as marriage material simply because they had a bit more melanin in their skin. Sheesh.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

It’s not just this country; indeed I believe that racial preferences in marriage and children are probably in part, innate.

ICXC NIKA

I was specifying the US because our adoption system is currently overflowing with minority children that will never have families, while wealthy people wait years for a white baby to be available.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m surprised you’d say that. I said I’d not marry or date outside my race. Not because I am racist or have a problem with interracial relationships, but because I am simply not attracted to any other races physically. I have appreciated the stunning forms of men of many races and mixed races. But there is a difference between appreciating the form and being attracted to it. Not everyone is able to be physically attracted to people of different races and I think marrying someone you’re not attracted to is a very bad idea.

It’s funny, but back in the day when I was single I had a few offers from men of different races who seemed like good prospects and I wished I could feel attraction to them so we could try dating, but I just couldn’t. We like what we like.

I’m primarily attracted to people of my own race as well, and I do think that’s common-especially amongst white people. We are bombarded with a very eurocentric standard of beauty everywhere, and it’s held up as the ideal look.

That said, I think that there is a world of difference between dating who you are attracted to and having that be predominately, or even only, people of your own race, and setting out with the mindset of “I only date X because I don’t find any of the billions of people who aren’t X like me attractive”.

There’s a lot to be said for having your preferences, but being open to the possibility that an individual person might change your mind not only because of what he looks like, but because of who he is and what chemistry he ignites.

 

[mommy_k]

Every child is a gift from God, not a cross.We should all say a prayer for people to open themselves and their lives to receiving the blessing and love that comes from adopting. Whether white, latino, black, asian or what ever a person’s origin is-God sees all equal. Skin color is just that.
I pray that we do not let this become a barrier for sweet loving babies to have homes. For those who are contemplating, I pray that they research this at a professional adoption agency or facilitator, to find the truth about adoption.

Ps: they should change the verbage -adopting a child should not be viewed in the same light as adopting a pet or highway.

 

[severus68]

I doubt very much he meant anything hurtful. He did put the word desirable in quotes, after all, which to me anyway means he was not contrasting the desirability of children!

I don’t think it is helpful to conjecture why people prefer their own race, or a certain age or health condition, etc, for adoptive children. Adoption is the most “interpersonal” decision a husband and wife can make, second only to getting married in the first place. Would we fault someone for preferring their own race, etc, in finding someone to marry?

ICXC NIKA.

You are correct, thanks.

 

[severus68]

I’m sure you didn’t mean this the way it sounds. Who is a “desirable” child? I think you mean the children that many couples would consider acceptable, such as white infants. All children are desirable to God, who loves each one.
And absolutely true, no one should be persuaded to adopt against his or her inclination. It’s too big a responsibility to take on half-heartedly.
But it’s not as horrific a burden as many posts indicate. We adopted two young children and are now going through the difficult teen years. I know we will get through them and have two lovely healthy adults.
There are many very young children in the foster system, because of so many parents having drug problems. We got our daughter at 10 months.
To address one concern, I think that now a plan for adoption or reunification must be made for a child within 18 months. So they don’t linger for years in foster care.
I hope no one will dismiss adoption without considering it; while it is not for the faint-hearted, it is for people who have a heart for children, all of whom need love.

You have misunderstood me. I am all for adoption and all children are blessings and deserve love and a home. It was a statement about picking and choosing afer the decision to adopt is made.

God bless you for adopting!

 

[severus68]

I doubt very much he meant anything hurtful. He did put the word desirable in quotes, after all, which to me anyway means he was not contrasting the desirability of children!

I don’t think it is helpful to conjecture why people prefer their own race, or a certain age or health condition, etc, for adoptive children. Adoption is the most “interpersonal” decision a husband and wife can make, second only to getting married in the first place. Would we fault someone for preferring their own race, etc, in finding someone to marry?

ICXC NIKA.

We all have our prejudices. Civilised people and certainly, Christians should strive to work against all prejudice.

We marry who we want and fall in love with, but voicing dislikes of certain races as potential spouses, shows prejudice, in my opinion.

 

[severus68]

My 1/4 Asian kids are way too good for anyone who would rule them out as marriage material simply because they had a bit more melanin in their skin. Sheesh.

YES!

 

[Sarcelle]

Personally, I definitely fault people who say that they don’t want to marry outside of their race.

As for adoption, I don’t necessarily fault individuals for not wanting to adopt outside their race, although I think that it shows a diminished capacity to truly love and care for a child, and a person who won’t adopt outside their race needs to think long and hard about their reasons for adoption. But I definitely fault our society, which has made it very difficult for interracial families to raise children of another race without being questioned, accused, stared at, or whispered about. That’s a big problem.

Actually people not wanting to marry outside their race may not necessarily be racist. They may be just stating an aesthetic preference. Nothing wrong with that.