Upset about boyfriend/possible fiance's secret activity

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I am very upset and not sure what to do. I’ve been dating my guy for a little over a year now and within the last 24 hours I found out he has been watching X-rated videos. I had a feeling he had been, and I found videos on his computer and websites visited frequently over the last three weeks. He knew I saw a link, but he told me he wasn’t doing that anymore. I’m upset about him hiding it from me and very upset about what he has been watching. I have to admit I think I’m nieve about this type of thing, and I’m not sure if I’m making too big of a deal out of it.

Please let me know what you think. 😦 (We are both 25-30 years of age).
 
**You are not over reacting. Porn habits and/or addictions are very serious. If you are engaged, call it off. Tell your bf that you know he has an issue with porn and that you will not enter into a marriage with that between you. Tell him you will love him, support him, and be there for him as he gets “clean” but that this is too big of an issue to be ignored. If he loves you he will respect your request and work on it. But don’t expect miracles. Just look at the countless threads on this topic…porn is evil. Once it has a man in it’s grips it can be a huge battle to get over it (with many falls along the way). Now, hopefully it’s not that bad…just saying it could be.

If, on the other hand, he tried to minimize it or make it seem like you’re nuts…RUN. fast and far away.**
 
Hmmmmmm, I’d say you’re over reacting. OK, so he messed up, and he doesn’t need to be doing this because its bad, but that doesn’t mean he has a problem.

Lemme ask this. Is he religious, have a spirtutal side? Good Catholic? If so then I’d be a little concerned, because he knows better, but I still wouldn’t have a rush to judgement. Tell him to stop it. If he continues to sneak around and persuing it on the sly, then you have a problem.

OTOH if he has lived a mostly secular life, been around the usual 25 year old guys, then he may not even realize he’s messing up. Many guys that are not sexually active use it as some kind of release and see nothing wrong with it. If that is the case you’re gonna hafta to explain things to him. It could be he can shut it down and not think twice about it, I dunno.

In both these scenarios I’d view the first one as the more threatening. If he’s NOT paying money for these things, (meaning buying books, strip clubs, or passwords) he probably doesn’t have a addiction, he’ll just look at it if the oppurtunity prsesents itself.

But I’m far from a expert on this stuff.
 
MLB08 said:
I am very upset and not sure what to do. I’ve been dating my guy for a little over a year now and within the last 24 hours I found out he has been watching X-rated videos. I had a feeling he had been, and I found videos on his computer and websites visited frequently over the last three weeks. He knew I saw a link, but he told me he wasn’t doing that anymore. I’m upset about him hiding it from me and very upset about what he has been watching. I have to admit I think I’m nieve about this type of thing, and I’m not sure if I’m making too big of a deal out of it.

Please let me know what you think. 😦 (We are both 25-30 years of age).
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You are not over-reacting. Men who look at porn are committing a laundry list of grave sins and put their immortal souls in great peril. If they are married, it is a form of adultery as they are really cheating on their wife. A man cannot truly be faithful to his girlfriend/fiance/wife if he indulges in the very addictive and gravely immoral activity of viewing pornography.

In addition, it negatively alters a man’s thinking about women and God’s gift of sexual union in marriage. It tends to turn women into object and sex into just scratching an itch or a way to pass the time.
 
EDIT TO THREAD>>>

I guess I should have added a little more detail. I am a catholic, though a little lost in my faith right now and working on it. He used to go to a christian science church until his grandmother died many many years ago. He does not practice religion. He is a “guys guy” always trying to impress the buddies. On top of that, he unfortunately lost his mother to cancer when he was 3 yrs old. He is a very good person and has been nothing but kind and caring with me plus he was terribily upset when he found out how upset I got at the though of him using those websites, I do feel bad as I went back today to see what they were for sure ( I wasn’t 100%) and he does have a username and password. I feel so sick I can’t even eat. I don’t want to act too soon and break it off, but I’m not sure what I need to do. I’m also moving next month for a job and will be about 800 miles away. I’m afraid of not being able to help him kick this since I won’t be around. He wants to get married and move over there as soon as I’m ready though.(we’ve been discussing a future together lately and he is 100% ready) Sorry this is so random, but I had lots of little facts to get out there…
 
MLB08 said:
EDIT TO THREAD>>>

I guess I should have added a little more detail. I am a catholic, though a little lost in my faith right now and working on it. He used to go to a christian science church until his grandmother died many many years ago. He does not practice religion. He is a “guys guy” always trying to impress the buddies. On top of that, he unfortunately lost his mother to cancer when he was 3 yrs old. He is a very good person and has been nothing but kind and caring with me plus he was terribily upset when he found out how upset I got at the though of him using those websites, I do feel bad as I went back today to see what they were for sure ( I wasn’t 100%) and he does have a username and password. I feel so sick I can’t even eat. I don’t want to act too soon and break it off, but I’m not sure what I need to do. I’m also moving next month for a job and will be about 800 miles away. I’m afraid of not being able to help him kick this since I won’t be around. He wants to get married and move over there as soon as I’m ready though.(we’ve been discussing a future together lately and he is 100% ready) Sorry this is so random, but I had lots of little facts to get out there…
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He’s actually*** not ***“100%” ready.:o Not at all. He needs to stop worrying about impressing his buddies as you say, and start thinking like a man who is interested in pursuing a life with you–as a married man. Now, I agree with Bama. He messed up. But, he has a password and username…that is more than just someone who is glancing at a spammed email or something…

I think that distance sometimes can make the heart grow fonder, or make the heart wander as they say. You will find out his true character, once you move 800 miles away. What we do when no one is looking determines our truest selves and character. If it takes you watching his every move to get him to stop this, then that’s not what you want either. Pray about this…and ask God what you should do. I don’t blame you for being upset, but he is sorry, and I think that there’s hope for the relationship, but he has to mature a bit…and also, stop viewing that garbage.

Hopefully, things will work out. You’re in my prayers!:o
 
whatevergirl said:
He’s actually*** not ***“100%” ready.:o Not at all. He needs to stop worrying about impressing his buddies as you say, and start thinking like a man who is interested in pursuing a life with you–as a married man. Now, I agree with Bama. He messed up. But, he has a password and username…that is more than just someone who is glancing at a spammed email or something…

I think that distance sometimes can make the heart grow fonder, or make the heart wander as they say. You will find out his true character, once you move 800 miles away. What we do when no one is looking determines our truest selves and character. If it takes you watching his every move to get him to stop this, then that’s not what you want either. Pray about this…and ask God what you should do. I don’t blame you for being upset, but he is sorry, and I think that there’s hope for the relationship, but he has to mature a bit…and also, stop viewing that garbage.

Hopefully, things will work out. You’re in my prayers!:o
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Really great piece of truth there WG, I hope the OP takes it into account 👍
 
As a guy i know how increadibly difficult dealing with an addition to lust - that is porn an being impure with oneself.

Your bf is probably ashamed of what he does and embarrassed by this.

I would suggest you do something along these lines.
  1. confront him about this - tell him you know that he is watching porn and being impure with himself
  2. ask him to admit he has a problem
  3. if he denies that he does have a problem offer the help him through he addiction (you should presume he does have a problem even if he denies it)
  4. go online to Christopher West’s site and down load his talk on Theology of the Body and listen to it together
  5. go online to pureloveclub.com and download Romance without Regret which is a talk by Jason Evert and his wife and listen together - this is incredibly powerful and entertaining.
Basically in our times, porn is a real issue that many men struggle with. You will find some people talk openly about it and some dont.

As a person who has been though this (and still struggle sometimes) I would encourage you to offer help to you bf. You will know by his response if he is the type of person that you can grow with or if he is in denial and will reject your offer of help.

Also, please understand that he may fail many time is his quest to change, but that if he has the will to change and continues to pray about it then change will happen.

Remember that we cant do it alone. We need our Lords help in life to help pick us up when we fall. This is an addiction. It is not something that you just stop doing from now on so he will need all the support and help you can give him.

In Christ
Craig
 
I tend to agree with the last poster. You are not overreacting to the problem, although you might be overreacting to the person. However, my reaction would be the same, even though I consider myself rather level-headed, barring when I just get too hurt. I can only tell you most guys who have a porn problem don’t realise how bad it is. They think they aren’t harming anyone, it isn’t real and so on. All the more so if they don’t have a Catholic background. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it’s troubling and troubling is also the lying. He needs to deal with this before you get engaged, but I wouldn’t automatically dump him for that. I would consider splitting up as a matter of incompatibility or his not being ready (rather than dumping him as punishment or because of his being “filthy”, which would be rather a childish reflex).
 
I say don’t be afraid to stand your ground. Viewing pornography is a form of cheating. Don’t budge from defending your viewpoint and his reaction (trying to understand you and willing to change or not) will tell you if he is actually ready to get married.
 
I wonder what percentage of men that age have not looked at porn on the net.
 
Update:

First of all I just want to thank everyone for your advice and prayers. There is a wonderful flooding of God’s grace upon seeing how people can care and want to help others they don’t even now. That grace was very much needed in my heart. Thank You.

As far as the update on my situation, I discussed the matter with my boyfriend, he was extremely upset. He said he didn’t know how strong I felt about that and he wen’t home and deleted everything he had downloaded. (I told him he didn’t have to show me, but he did.) He also showed me (while we were talking) how he had already cancelled the site he had paid for. I am having a little bit of trust issues at the moment, but I really think we will be able to work through this. One thing about it is it really shook me up and gave me that boost I needed in my lagging faith. It’s so crazy how something so unexpected can bring back where you use to be.

Again, thank you so much for your suggestions and prayers.

God Bless!
 
Just keep in mind he had a password and user name and was paying money to these people, so its not like he was just bored, looking for something to do, but made a conscious effort.

I’d keep him on a short leash, and go by the adage “trust but verify.”

It is entirely possible this is his wake up call, and will stop cold turkey. I’d advise his life is now a open book, and if you *ever *uncover *anything *else, well he knows what will happen.

Good luck.
 
**I really don’t want to be a downer but I need to point out that there are 4 possible reactions:
  1. I am not looking at porn
  2. Porn is not bad, you’re nuts/overreacting/too sensitive/want to limit my freedom and control me
  3. Oops, she caught me, she thinks this is bad but I don’t so I’ll tell her I’ve stopped (and even “prove it” by erasing things in front of her) and she’ll never have to know…
  4. Understanding that it bothers you and a genuine desire to stop (often with “proof” as mentioned above)
I sincerely hope that your BF’s reaction is truly #4. But please keep your eyes open and not just take him at his word.**
 
I think you are concerned for your relationship and horrified that your bf is doing this. I also think you might not be exposed to this in the past so you’re shocked. This is common.

Firstly, some references that could help:

www.xxxchurch.com
www.desertstream.org

Just Search Catholic Answers Forums there is tons of resources on porn.

I’m not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. Nor should anyone else on this forum. I will make some observations however.

I don’t think he’s 100% ready if he is lying about it in the first place or continues to do it. This doesn’t mean he will lie in the future. It just means you need to help him, and he needs to know it hurts you and that you’re not prepared (this is my recommendation) to set a date for the wedding until this is over. Alternatively, you could call it off until he has this under control to an extent.

I’m more than happy to provide more support or assistance if required. Just PM me.

God Bless!
Rich
 
MLB08 said:
I am very upset and not sure what to do. I’ve been dating my guy for a little over a year now and within the last 24 hours I found out he has been watching X-rated videos. I had a feeling he had been, and I found videos on his computer and websites visited frequently over the last three weeks. He knew I saw a link, but he told me he wasn’t doing that anymore. I’m upset about him hiding it from me and very upset about what he has been watching. I have to admit I think I’m nieve about this type of thing, and I’m not sure if I’m making too big of a deal out of it.

Please let me know what you think. 😦 (We are both 25-30 years of age).
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I’m so very sick of the “He looked at porn - LEAVE him he is an addict thing here”

You are overreacting… trust me.

You guys are between 25-30 right? Look most guys have or do look at porn from time to time even if they believe it’s a sin (mortal sin if Catholic)

People are only human, they fail from time to time.

However that failure in NO WAY constitutes that someone is 1. Addicted 2. Believes their Wife/Finance’s body is insufficient 3. Literal adultery

I can only guess that some people on this board must have some body image issues - that is something they need to address in counseling. Just because a man see something from time to time doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love or think his wife’s body is the best body on the planet because it’s the one he loves.

What it does mean is that he fails because he is human. You talk about it and move on. Will he probably fail again someday? yea… just like you are going to commit a mortal sin (s) sometime in the future as well.

Finally remember that Pornography is ANYTHING that you watch, listen or read that is intended to arouse you. So ya… by the Church’s definition “Desperate Housewives” and most Soap Operas are porn. 😦 think about that before you begin to judge others for their failures.

Joe
 
jwashu said:
I’m so very sick of the “He looked at porn - LEAVE him he is an addict thing here”

You are overreacting… trust me.

You guys are between 25-30 right? Look most guys have or do look at porn from time to time even if they believe it’s a sin (mortal sin if Catholic)

People are only human, they fail from time to time.

However that failure in NO WAY constitutes that someone is 1. Addicted 2. Believes their Wife/Finance’s body is insufficient 3. Literal adultery
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Finally…the voice of reason.👍
 
I think there is a difference in the guy that gets bored and fails when the oppurtunity presents itself. But the guy in this scenario had a password and was a paying member. And when you’re paying somebody to feed your porn habit, I’d say you have a problem. But heck, what do I know, it might different where y’all come from.
 
jwashu said:
You guys are between 25-30 right? Look most guys have or do look at porn from time to time even if they believe it’s a sin (mortal sin if Catholic)
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But we’re not talking about an isolated moment of weakness here – this guy had a paid subscription to a porn site! You have to be pretty committed to your porn habit to sign up and pay for it.

I’m also wondering if you have any proof to back up the assertion that “most guys” look at porn “even if they believe that it’s a sin”. Perhaps a poll is in order, unless you can point me to an existing poll on this topic.
jwashu said:
I can only guess that some people on this board must have some body image issues - that is something they need to address in counseling.
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I can only guess that your constant defensiveness on this issue (on this thread and many others) indicates that you are addicted to porn yourself. Asserting that “most guys do it” is a classic rationalization technique. This is something that you need to address in counseling.

Granted, the above is a wild accusation that I do not have the means to prove, but it’s no more wild than your accusation in the quoted post.
 
A CATHOLIC PRAYER FOR THE GRACE FROM ALL THE WORLD’S MASSES
Eternal Father, we humbly offer Thee our poor presence, and that of the whole of humanity, from the beginning to the end of the world at all the Masses that ever have or ever will be prayed. We offer Thee all the pains, sufferings, prayers, sacrifices, joys, and relaxations of our lives, in union with those of our Lord Jesus here on earth. May the Most Precious Blood of Christ, all His Blood, Wounds, and Agony save us, through the Sorrowful and Immaculate Heart of Mary.
Amen.
 
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