Upset about boyfriend/possible fiance's secret activity

[thomfra]

I’m so very sick of the “He looked at porn - LEAVE him he is an addict thing here”

You are overreacting… trust me.

You guys are between 25-30 right? Look most guys have or do look at porn from time to time even if they believe it’s a sin (mortal sin if Catholic)

People are only human, they fail from time to time.

However that failure in NO WAY constitutes that someone is 1. Addicted 2. Believes their Wife/Finance’s body is insufficient 3. Literal adultery

I can only guess that some people on this board must have some body image issues - that is something they need to address in counseling. Just because a man see something from time to time doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love or think his wife’s body is the best body on the planet because it’s the one he loves.

What it does mean is that he fails because he is human. You talk about it and move on. Will he probably fail again someday? yea… just like you are going to commit a mortal sin (s) sometime in the future as well.

Finally remember that Pornography is ANYTHING that you watch, listen or read that is intended to arouse you. So ya… by the Church’s definition “Desperate Housewives” and most Soap Operas are porn. think about that before you begin to judge others for their failures.

Joe

Agree totally. Most guys have looked at porn at one point in their lives. It doesn’t mean that they are addicted.

I agree, that it probably is not the healthiest way to spend your time, and certainly doesn’t add anything to a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t mean this bloke should just be kicked to the curb.

It doesn’t mean that he is not ready for marriage either…

 

[TLM08]

I am very upset and not sure what to do. I’ve been dating my guy for a little over a year now and within the last 24 hours I found out he has been watching X-rated videos. I had a feeling he had been, and I found videos on his computer and websites visited frequently over the last three weeks. He knew I saw a link, but he told me he wasn’t doing that anymore. I’m upset about him hiding it from me and very upset about what he has been watching. I have to admit I think I’m nieve about this type of thing, and I’m not sure if I’m making too big of a deal out of it.

Please let me know what you think. (We are both 25-30 years of age).

If I had to guess, I would say that 80 to 90 percent of non-church going men and at least 60 percent of active catholic men view porn in one form or another at least occasionally. Recent surveys revealed that 50 percent of protestant ministers struggle with this stuff. If this is all he is doing that seems “wierd” to you then he is probably a normal, typical red blooded American male. To say that porn has a grip on our popular culture is an understatement.
Good men are hooked on this stuff by the millions. Men need the prayers of their mothers, sisters and wives more now than ever.

Porn is not morally okay and in fact this habit is extremely addictive and sinful. Private porn viewing almost always results in masturbation which robs the marriage of fidelity, intimacy and sexual energy. What he needs most right now is for you to pray for him and understand that he is not trying to hurt you. He hid this from you because he is embarassed which is a good sign that he knows it’s wrong! This garbage hooks itself into the soul of man at an early age. I was first exposed to this stuff at age eight and after nearly a 40 year struggle only for the last 4 months have I been “clean”… all due to the grace of God.

If you were my daughter I would advise you not marry this man until he develops a bitter hatred of this sin and it was completely out of his life.

 

[TLM08]

Agree totally. Most guys have looked at porn at one point in their lives. It doesn’t mean that they are addicted.

I agree, that it probably is not the healthiest way to spend your time, and certainly doesn’t add anything to a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t mean this bloke should just be kicked to the curb.

It doesn’t mean that he is not ready for marriage either…

NEWSFLASH: If a man views porn, he is not ready for the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

“DOH” !!!

 

[TLM08]

If he’s NOT paying money for these things, (meaning buying books, strip clubs, or passwords) he probably doesn’t have a addiction, he’ll just look at it if the oppurtunity prsesents itself.

But I’m far from a expert on this stuff.

I would suggest that with all of the “free” stuff online there is NO reason even for a *raging addict *to ever have to spend one single dime!

 

[BeeSweet]

MLB08 ~ Any guy who feels the need to hide the fact that he subscribes to porn is not trustworthy. It’s a whole lot more respectable for a person to be up front about this sort of thing. At the very least you know who you’re dealing with. You said you had a feeling that he was doing this, and now that feeling has been confirmed. I believe his telling you that he no longer looks at porn is also a warning sign, I doubt very much that is the truth. He’s trying to save face with you, and most likely lying in in order to do so.

You’ve been given a wake up call at an extremely opportune time. Please cut ties when you take this new job and move away. If you don’t, you will be dealing with this sick feeling again and again in the future. Eventually it will turn into you being told that you are the one that has the problem, something similar to this:

I can only guess that some people on this board must have some body image issues - that is something they need to address in counseling.

Love is largely about self sacrifice. Porn is about selfishness. Please take this opportunity to move on with your life, there’s no coincidence that you’re finding this out now. Move on and let God send you someone who is able to love you as you deserve.

 

[puzzleannie]

asking OP what would be your feelings, and how valid would they be, if the communications and pictures you discovered were of a “real” woman or women, those known personally to him or to both of you. There is essentially little difference. Marriage to a man who seeks gratification in this way does not bode well for a healthy marital relationship. if you have time to a search on this forum for personal stories whose lives have been made miserable, and some testimony from men who have also suffered due to a porn habit.

 

[thomfra]

MLB08 ~ Any guy who feels the need to hide the fact that he subscribes to porn is not trustworthy. It’s a whole lot more respectable for a person to be up front about this sort of thing. At the very least you know who you’re dealing with. You said you had a feeling that he was doing this, and now that feeling has been confirmed. I believe his telling you that he no longer looks at porn is also a warning sign, I doubt very much that is the truth. He’s trying to save face with you, and most likely lying in in order to do so.

You’ve been given a wake up call at an extremely opportune time. Please cut ties when you take this new job and move away. If you don’t, you will be dealing with this sick feeling again and again in the future. Eventually it will turn into you being told that you are the one that has the problem, something similar to this:

Love is largely about self sacrifice. Porn is about selfishness. Please take this opportunity to move on with your life, there’s no coincidence that you’re finding this out now. Move on and let God send you someone who is able to love you as you deserve.

So you don’t think the poor boy should be given a chance?

 

[Paul1961]

“So you don’t think the poor boy should be given a chance?”

No. Stone him!!!

With all these sinless people around here, I’m sure you will not find it difficult to find an angry mob will to do the job.

 

[puzzleannie]

Agree totally. Most guys have looked at porn at one point in their lives. It doesn’t mean that they are addicted.

I…

OP is not relating the story of a guy who has casually glanced at porn a couple of times in his life. she is concerned about a situation where he is paying to belong to a site that caters to this taste, and appears to resort to it regularly for whatever reason. That is a huge difference. I say forget the polls, listen to stories of women who are married to guys who use porn on a regular or daily basis for gratification. The issue is not one of condemnation or stoning, please lose the hyperbole, the question is whether or not this individual is ready to marry, and whether this girl should marry someone who may have this habit.

 

[whatevergirl]

Agree totally. Most guys have looked at porn at one point in their lives. It doesn’t mean that they are addicted.

I agree, that it probably is not the healthiest way to spend your time, and certainly doesn’t add anything to a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t mean this bloke should just be kicked to the curb.

It doesn’t mean that he is not ready for marriage either…

What DOES it mean, then?

I don’t think people are reading that he had a password and was PAYING to view the porn website. Not an idle glance here and there. That regard, I agree…I have even viewed porn in the past with my husband. We were not addicts, but we were not paying for any services.

As much as some on here are ‘sick and tired’ of the old ‘he viewed porn, leave him’ responses…I’m tired of…‘just get over it responses, every guy does it,’ as well. Neither response is a healthy response, to be honest.

I think that I’d give him another chance, at the same time…they are engaged not married, and if this is a dealbreaker for the OP or for anyone faced with this, that is certainly acceptable. Women don’t need to settle for men who want to view porn. It’s not like breathing, men can live without viewing it…

 

[BeeSweet]

So you don’t think the poor boy should be given a chance?

“So you don’t think the poor boy should be given a chance?”

No. Stone him!!!

With all these sinless people around here, I’m sure you will not find it difficult to find an angry mob will to do the job.

I think that after a year and a half of dating someone, you get to know them pretty well, and if after that amount of time, you’re shocked by something such as use of porn, then there’s been deliberate deception employed in the past. Why does it have to be a punishment, or “stoning” to severe the romantic relationship based on sexual deception? If he felt comfortable with her, why couldn’t he just be honest about it? Instead, although the use is very recent (in the past three weeks), the man claims he doesn’t look at porn any longer. He reacts to having hurt his girlfriend by immediately “changing” and making a big production out of it for her. This man is very insecure, and an insecure man who has developed a secret porn habit is honestly not someone who should be discerning marriage. But that doesn’t mean that he’s being punished if they break off the romantic relationship and go their separate ways. Honestly, it’s a whole lot more kind to accept people for who they are. The OP is someone for whom porn inspires her to “feel so sick I can’t even eat.” The boyfriend does not share this view, he is only stopping now because he’s been “caught” and feels ashamed. Can’t start on a worse foot than that if you ask me. “Danger Will Robinson!” He will resent her later on, because he’s only chosen to stop because it makes her feel bad. He obviously does not see anything wrong with the use of porn, since he pays for it.

The ultra-defensive men who play victim and claim they’re only human and accuse partners who feel betrayed by their porn use of having body image issues are really dangerous characters for any woman to let herself become romantically involved with. If you find a gal who does not like porn, but you do like it, then leave that gal alone. There’s plenty of women out there who will indulge a guy in this vice, go find one of them instead. People who enter marriages wanting to change themselves or their partner are headed for a mess of resentment and very likely divorce in the future. Why not head that off before you get in so deep that there may actually be children and families involved?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Why does it have to be a punishment, or “stoning” to severe the romantic relationship based on sexual deception?

Exactly. If she decides that this man is not the man for her to marry based on a serious moral issue then why can’t it be looked at as a woman making a choice for herself…I doubt she is thinking “I need to punish him”. I know I wouldn’t be. I would be thanking God above for revealing this to me before I said “I do”… because I certainly wouldn’t want to say “I do… accept your porn habit”.
**
It is not that men have failings and that women should hold out for the “perfect” guy. It is that in a long term relationship this shouldn’t have been a shock. **Kind of like finding out after a year and a half that your bf/gf is a different religion than you…don’t you think it should have come up before now???

 

[thomfra]

What DOES it mean, then?

I don’t think people are reading that he had a password and was PAYING to view the porn website. Not an idle glance here and there. That regard, I agree…I have even viewed porn in the past with my husband. We were not addicts, but we were not paying for any services.

As much as some on here are ‘sick and tired’ of the old ‘he viewed porn, leave him’ responses…I’m tired of…‘just get over it responses, every guy does it,’ as well. Neither response is a healthy response, to be honest.

I think that I’d give him another chance, at the same time…they are engaged not married, and if this is a dealbreaker for the OP or for anyone faced with this, that is certainly acceptable. Women don’t need to settle for men who want to view porn. It’s not like breathing, men can live without viewing it…

Look. I agree. Men don’t **need **to view porn. But you need to at least give people a chance to be the person you want them to be. Just saying “well sorry bud, this is a deal breaker”, and walking away is **very **harsh.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Just saying “well sorry bud, this is a deal breaker”, and walking away is **very **harsh.

**Yes, it is. But sometimes necessary. Can you think of a situation where a woman did/was doing something that you would think was serious enough for you/another man to say “sorry lady, this is a deal breaker” and then walk away?

We all have a line…if it is crossed and we decide to walk away, ultimately it is our choice. If we do it to “punish” the other person then they are actually lucky since who would want to be married to someone who wants to punish them for every misdeed?

Before marriage we are allowed to be selfish (in a good way) and think of ourselves first…because once we are married we know that bond is lifelong and we will have to deal with any and all consequences of our choice (as will our children). God gave us all free will…if a woman decided to use it to walk away from a guy with a porn habit that he kept well hidden, that’s her choice. If she decides to give him another chance, that’s her choice. If she decides to stick her head in the sand, that’s her choice.**

 

[whatevergirl]

Look. I agree. Men don’t **need **to view porn. But you need to at least give people a chance to be the person you want them to be. Just saying “well sorry bud, this is a deal breaker”, and walking away is **very **harsh.

when you’re dating…a person is not bound by any moral contract, etc…he or she does not have to tolerate anything. Now, would I give him a second chance, yes I would. But, if someone thought that was a deal breaker (again, he was PAYING to view this, not just glancing here and there) then that is her right to break up with the person. Again, marriage is different…we are bound by vows. There are no vows in dating, so one is not bound to tolerate behaviors that they are not comfortable with.

 

[whatevergirl]

Back in my dating days…I told men that there were certain deal breakers…strip club visits, etc…I had a short, but poignant mental list. I dated a guy who knew this about me, and decided I guess, to test me, and went to a strip club. I broke up with him. He was surprised. Why, I don’t know, but people don’t need to tolerate behaviors that are offensive to them…when dating. Dating is a time for discernment, and should be used as such. AND BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE, DOESN’T MEAN ONE IS NOT FORGIVING. It just means that the relationship is not one in which you choose to spend any more time or energy on…for whatever the reason.

The reason why many marriages fail, I believe, is that women and men were not selective enough in the dating process. Being selective doesn’t mean snooty, or unforgiving. It means that you are seeking a partner for life, who espouses certain traits that are important to you. If you find out after a few weeks, months, whatever…that the person is just not the right one for you, there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship. I think it’s important to give people chances to improve, but there are some behaviors that ARE just deal breakers. Again, being selective is important when one is thinking about marriage.

 

[Scottgun]

What whatever girl said. Just because you can forgive him doesn’t obligate you to marry him. Also, some of us seem to be hung up on whether he is addicted or not and insisting that he isn’t and that because of that, no big deal.

Bullocks.

It doesn’t matter one whit whether he is addicted or not to the proposition that one ought not marry someone who thinks there is nothing wrong with it. If he does show true repentence, ok. As it is now, no way, no how.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Back in my dating days…I told men that there were certain deal breakers…strip club visits, etc…I had a short, but poignant mental list. I dated a guy who knew this about me, and decided I guess, to test me, and went to a strip club. I broke up with him. He was surprised. Why, I don’t know, but people don’t need to tolerate behaviors that are offensive to them…when dating. Dating is a time for discernment, and should be used as such. AND BREAKING UP WITH SOMEONE, DOESN’T MEAN ONE IS NOT FORGIVING. It just means that the relationship is not one in which you choose to spend any more time or energy on…for whatever the reason.

The reason why many marriages fail, I believe, is that women and men were not selective enough in the dating process. Being selective doesn’t mean snooty, or unforgiving. It means that you are seeking a partner for life, who espouses certain traits that are important to you. If you find out after a few weeks, months, whatever…that the person is just not the right one for you, there is nothing wrong with ending the relationship. I think it’s important to give people chances to improve, but there are some behaviors that ARE just deal breakers. Again, being selective is important when one is thinking about marriage.

:clapping::clapping::clapping:** Well put!**

It is a sad sad society that has it all so backwards… don’t dare leave anyone during the dating period because they do or don’t do something that is not acceptable to you. BUT once you’re married, divorce at the first sign of “unhappiness”!!! Yeah, THAT’S a recipe for success

 

[whatevergirl]

:clapping::clapping::clapping:** Well put!**

It is a sad sad society that has it all so backwards… don’t dare leave anyone during the dating period because they do or don’t do something that is not acceptable to you. BUT once you’re married, divorce at the first sign of “unhappiness”!!! Yeah, THAT’S a recipe for success

Hi Malia–yeah, right? That is so true!

Now, granted there are a lot of reason ppl divorce nowadays…I remember not wanting to be married, way back when…thankfully, Jesus grabbed me by the arm and said…not so fast, young lady, you’re not leaving your marriage. I think that for many, faith is absent in their marriage, the couple doesn’t discern what marriage is about or who they are marrying enough, etc etc etc…

But, in the case of the OP, if she really feels this is a deal breaker, I don’t look at her as a bad person, or unforgiving. It’s her right to marry who she chooses. I also don’t look at the guy in question as ‘bad’ either…just might not be ready for marriage, and maybe separating from him, would give him time to either shape up or not. It’s up to him. I believe in second chances, but not in staying in a relationship that never changes. That’s the key. I think too many women settle, frankly, for behaviors that are immoral…(see my thread on that topic) lol

When dating, you don’t need to settle. No one is perfect, certainly…but, a guy/girl should be doing everything they can to show the other that they care about them…putting their BEST FOOT FORWARD. I have always believed that if a guy starts treating a girl badly, during the courtship…what will the marriage be like?

Anyways, just my two cents.

 

[TLDenmark]

Dear MLB08

Clearly you have every right to feel upset and disappointed, both because of the act itself and the concealment going on for more than a year. It is properly true that most men have been or still is looking at porn, either as something casual or as an actual addiction, but that doesn’t make it any less problematic or sinful. It is a filthy and damaging habit, that objectify woman and strikes right at the core of marital intimacy. You have been confronted with a very real problem, and you (and your boyfriend) have to deal with it in one way or another. I am not telling you whether you should stay with him or leave him, such an advice would require much more knowledge about both you, him and your relationship. It is very likely that you would be better of letting go of the relationship, but then again the opposite might also be the case.

However since I am a male struggling with the same sin as your boyfriend, you might find some value in my perspective. First of all, you need to decide what the relationship is worth to you. Are you ready to deal with a possible addiction problem, that is a situation where he is no longer in control and where it is almost a certain that he will fall many times before getting rid of the habit. While it is a worse case scenario, it is a very real possibility that you have to consider. Even if he was completely honest about quitting, he might end up realizing that staying away from porn/masturbation is not as easy as he imagined.

If you are ready to do what it takes to save your relationship (only you know if he is worth it), the two of you needs to work together as if his sin is a common enemy. What both of you needs to do, is to sit down and have a long talk about this issue. Try to keep the blame at a minimum (be gentle), but don’t be afraid to make demands, to ask difficult questions or to give loving promises. The primary problem the two of you needs to deal with, is that of the concealment. He must feel completely safe around you, enabling him to share his struggles with you, and you must be able to trust him completely, knowing that he doesn’t hide his sins. Make sure to tell him that even thou it will hurt you, you are going to show him understanding whenever he falls (perhaps slip in that it hurts you less if he masturbates without porn, that will help him in the long run). But at the sane time, you should make some demands as well. Tell him that you will not accept any more lies, and demand some kind of filter on his computer (with you as his accountability partner). If he refuses any of your demands or keep on lying, you should leave him.

God bless you
TL