Upset over my marriage convalidation

[Balletgirl]

So I have been married for 3 years almost 4. And my husband and I are going through the RCIA program. We were about to have are marriage convalidation but 2 weeks before I was told I was not allowed to use the witness that I wanted. We literally have to use our newly god parents form RCIA. Now my witness that I wanted to use is my sister-in-law whom I’m very close with. Reason I can’t use her is because she’s not married in the eyes of the church. Now I was told to use my newly god parents, that I just met less then a year ago because they are married and I’m supposed to convide with them in marriage. Ok first off if I was or going to have marriage problems. These would not be the people I talk to. I would talk to my sisters-in-law who’s family and my best friend.
Now I was just going to push the whole thing off but then found out that my husband won’t be able to receive any of the sacraments on Easter coming up then. So I feel like I’m being forced to have who ever the priest wants. If I want my husband to receive his sacraments.
I’m just so disappointed about the whole thing and just want it done and over. It’s no longer feel like it for my husband and I and god. It feel like it’s for the church only. Is it normal to feel this way.

 

[Sbee0]

w my witness that I wanted to use is my sister-in-law whom I’m very close with. Reason I can’t use her is because she’s not married in the eyes of the church. Now I was told to use my newly god parents, that I just met less then a year ago because they are married and I’m supposed to convide with them in marriage. Ok first off if I was or going to have marriage problems. These would not be the people I talk to. I would talk to my sisters-in-law who’s family and my best friend.

Witnesses are just that. I went through the convalidation process with my now ex-wife. We had two witnesses, the maid of honor and best man from our original marriage ceremony done outside the Church (hence the need for convalidation). They were not married to each other and only one was Catholic. I didn’t think the convalidation witnesses had to be Catholic. Or did I read that incorrectly? Are you sure the priest said you MUST use them or was it just a suggestion?

I also don’t think there’s any reason why you can’t still confide in your sister in law.

 

[Gorgias]

Hi, @Balletgirl! Welcome to CAF!

We were about to have are marriage convalidation but 2 weeks before I was told I was not allowed to use the witness that I wanted.

Just out of curiosity… who told you that you cannot use your S-I-L as a convalidation witness “because she’s not married in the eyes of the Church”?

Now I was just going to push the whole thing off but then found out that my husband won’t be able to receive any of the sacraments on Easter coming up then.

So, by “push the whole thing off”, I’m guessing you mean that you were thinking you wouldn’t go through with the convalidation?

If so, then what they’re telling you is that, if your marriage isn’t valid in the Church, then you aren’t able to receive the sacraments. (That kinda makes sense, doesn’t it? Requiring one in order to be in a state of grace to receive the others, right?)

I’m just so disappointed about the whole thing and just want it done and over. It’s no longer feel like it for my husband and I and god. It feel like it’s for the church only.

I’m sorry that it’s turned into a huge negative thing for you and your husband. In a perfect world, someone knowledgeable at your parish (maybe an RCIA leader or a priest or deacon) would have been able to sit down with you and discuss this whole thing out. Have you spoken to your pastor about this?

Is it normal to feel this way.

If it was just dumped in your lap without sufficient explanation, then I’d say yes, it is normal!

At this point, it might be best to just take a deep breath, relax a little, and then go talk with your priest.

To the best of my knowledge, there aren’t any requirements on who your witnesses are. (I’m hoping that you were told this in error – as an honest mistake – by someone in RCIA who is getting “witnesses” confused with “sponsors”.)

 

[Balletgirl]

Priest wants at least one of them to be catholic, and both witness to be married couple.
Just to add I just moved in this town 6 months ago. Or should say township it’s that small. It’s my husbands home town. And the convalidation is in less then 2 weeks. If I don’t do it now. I have to do it after Easter because the church has a mission coming up right after that. Then Holy Week, followed by Easter. Priest won’t do it on Holy Week or during mission.
And waiting would then mean that I can’t receive my confirmation and my husband could not receive all 3 sacraments.

 

[Balletgirl]

No it was my RCIA leader that warned me about one witness being catholic. She told me to talk with father to make sure. And it was true. And father added that they have to be married.

 

[Sbee0]

Priest wants at least one of them to be catholic, and both witness to be married couple.
Just to add I just moved in this town 6 months ago. Or should say township it’s that small. It’s my husbands home town. And the convalidation is in less then 2 weeks. If I don’t do it now. I have to do it after Easter because the church has a mission coming up right after that. Then Holy Week, followed by Easter. Priest won’t do it on Holy Week or during mission.
And waiting would then mean that I can’t receive my confirmation and my husband could not receive all 3 sacraments.

Ok. That’s odd, as I really didn’t think there are requirements for witnesses (however there is for sponsors - not the same thing). My witnesses were certainly not married to each other so maybe it’s just how it is for your parish.

I’d say there’s no harm in having the witnesses as your priest wants them. They are just witnesses. There’s nothing stopping you from confiding in your sister in law about anything you want to.

 

[Gorgias]

And father added that they have to be married.

OK… think about that for one second. In a marriage ceremony (after all, that’s what a convalidation is – an actual marriage ceremony!), the two witnesses are the maid/matron of honor and the best man.

They don’t have to be married to each other, or even married at all.

 

[Wife.of.Gabriel]

For any Sacrament, the godparents or sponsors need to be Catholics in good standing with the Church, which includes if married, married in the Church.

Perhaps, if you really want to use her, your sister in law would be willing to fix her marriage first?

This issue will come up again when you want to have children Baptized, Confirmed & First Holy Communion. Their godparents will need to also be Catholics in good standing.

It may be an inconvenience now, but weigh it out… is Jesus worth it? He’s the One who started this Church & His Holy Spirit is the One guiding our Bishops to have made this rule.

 

[Joe_5859]

I’d say there’s no harm in having the witnesses as your priest wants them. They are just witnesses. There’s nothing stopping you from confiding in your sister in law about anything you want to.

Right. The witnesses are just witnesses. They don’t need to be your best friends or your life-long confidantes. I know that, in most big weddings, the best man and maid of honor typically are close family or friends of the couple. But convalidations are much more subdued affairs.

I’ve never heard of needing the witnesses to be married themselves, but if it were me, I wouldn’t choose to make an issue out of it. Certainly, you can share your concerns and frustrations about it with the pastor if it truly bothers you, though.

 

[ajfrab]

What you write is true for godparents and sponsors. It is not true for witnesses to marriage. Witnesses to marriage are not required to be Catholic, nor are they required to be married, nor in good standing with the Church. They are required to witness the marriage.

 

[Balletgirl]

I don’t think this is how Jesus wanted it. I’m sorry I just don’t.

 

[Wesrock]

When my marriage was convalidated more than just two people came. Why not invite your godparents and your SIL and other family?

 

[Wife.of.Gabriel]

I married in the Orthodox Church, so that’s my only personal experience. We needed at least one Orthodox in good standing sponsor/godparent to perform the ceremony with us and we needed 2 witnesses of any faith to sign the legal marriage license. We’re still in the process of converting to Catholicism, but our marriage has been recognized officially via the sanation process without any issue as our Marriage Sacrament was valid, but not licit.

 

[Wesrock]

And father added that they have to be married.

This… doesn’t make sense to me. Are you sure it wasn’t “if married it has to be validly married”? Why couldn’t a single person who’s had all the sacraments of initiation witness?

 

[Balletgirl]

I haven’t made a big issue about it. That’s why I brought it here to talk about, it’s will be fine. I’ve accepted that I can’t have what I want. Just going to go through the process. Because that what it has become for me. It no longer feels like it’s for my husband and I. People can be mad. But I can’t help if that’s how I feel.

 

[Phemie]

Balletgirl, where do you live? When I got married, in the Church, neither of our witnesses was Catholic, nor were they married to each other, or to anyone for that matter.

One of you is Catholic and you married outside the Church?

 

[Balletgirl]

Premie don’t feel comfortable posting where I live. I have heard this form multiple people as well. So a agree with you. I’m just going to go with it I feel like I have to much to lose out on if I don’t.

 

[Balletgirl]

His reasoning was if there single they wouldn’t know how a marriage works.

 

[TomH1]

Canon Law only requires witnesses. It makes no stipulations about their qualifications. You need to be assertive but not rude and do this quickly because time is pressing. Talk to your pastor and ask him specifically to tell you where it says the witnesses must satisfy the requirements he is intending to impose. If he cannot (and he cannot!) or will not, contact your diocesan chancery as a matter of urgency.

 

[Wesrock]

His reasoning was if there single they wouldn’t know how a marriage works.

Separate question… Is this just about who signs the paperwork or who (and how many) can attend? Catholic weddings, which is what a convalidation is, are public.