upset with SIL

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Pinkyyy

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my SIL and I really don’t get along too well - we dont’ fight, but we just are uneasy around eachother. One thing I don’t like is her attitute - she is very blunt and at her fathers FUNERAL brunch she felt it her business to tell everyone that my husband is just staying in our marriage “to do the right thing” and that he’s just faking to everyone that our marriage is okay - well, my husband would never tell her this - she makes assumptions b/c she thinks he’s “not happy”. Yeah we have problems, but you know, maybe you can shut your mouth until after everyone mourns your father - or better yet talk about YOUR problems instead of ours (her husband is an alcoholic who does not work, is abusive, and even had the nerve to come over drunk to our house and scream at my SIL - and scare to death our 1 year old son - and he didn’t care).

We even put off our son’s baptism for almost a year waiting for them to come for it - finally my husband’s brother had to call them up and actually yelled at them to go NOW to do it. Well, they came and they brought a baptism outfit for our son. I didn’t really like it - you could tell it was probably a cheap one from Walmart, but I didn’t want to be rude and used it for our son’s baptism (although I wanted to get him a really nice one). Well, I have never seen before the tape of my nephew’s baptism until now (my husband went and taped it a few years before our son was born) - and I couldn’t believe it - she recycled the baptism outfit that she used for her son and pretended like she bought it for our son, when it was her son’s. I mean, I didn’t even like it in the first place, it was not that nice, and I used it anyway to be nice, and I find out she didn’t even buy it for him. I would never give away his baptism outfit - but now I feel like it wasn’t “for him” and has lost it’s specialness. i don’t know about her.

This just makes me plain never want to be around her (and BIL), but now we are thinking about moving, and my husband is thowing our her state as a possibility to where we may want to go - umm…as long as it’s far far away from them, that’s what I say. But I don’t want to sound mean or upset my husband - it is his sister. I just don’t think we should live by them. What should I do? Just keep my mouth shut, or tell him I don’t want to live by them?
 
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M’am I’d tell the dragon lady next time she runs her head about how unhappy my husband is in his marriage to me, she’s gonna wake up with a sock in her mouth.

And you thought it was a Wal Mart baptism outfit only find out it she recycled *her *son’s? In light of how ya feel about her, I bet that went over like a lead ballon. Lemme ask, are they y’all’s baby Godparents?

Is she married to your brother or his? And if he’s bad to drink, is not someone looking to help him?

You’re probably correct in thinking moving away from HER is the prudent thing to do. I mean how do ya go to a *funeral *and tell folks, “well Pinky’s husband is only with her cos he wants to do the right thing, he doesn’t really love her.” I’d a gagged and stuffed her in one of the funeral home’s closets.
 
BamaRider said:
http://bestsmileys.com/shooting1/8.gif

M’am I’d tell the dragon lady next time she runs her head about how unhappy my husband is in his marriage to me, she’s gonna wake up with a sock in her mouth.

And you thought it was a Wal Mart baptism outfit only find out it she recycled *her *son’s? In light of how ya feel about her, I bet that went over like a lead ballon. Lemme ask, are they y’all’s baby Godparents?

Is she married to your brother or his? And if he’s bad to drink, is not someone looking to help him?

You’re probably correct in thinking moving away from HER is the prudent thing to do. I mean how do ya go to a *funeral *and tell folks, “well Pinky’s husband is only with her cos he wants to do the right thing, he doesn’t really love her.” I’d a gagged and stuffed her in one of the funeral home’s closets.
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hi Guy, thanks for writing :-). She is my husband’s sister, so that’s why it’s hard to say anything to him. Yeah, that just bowled me over that she would make me think she got it special for my son and then to find out she had just wanted to get rid of it - I kind of feel tricked. It just doesn’t have any special meaning because I can see her intentions behind it. I had wanted to either get a nice one myself or to use a family made one that’s been handed down in my family (and that I was baptized in) for our son - it is a very nice silk one, but I felt obligated, and I wouldn’t feel this way if she had said this was her son’s and she wanted to give it to my son - but she didn’t do that, she wrapped it up and gave it away like she had just bought it and said nothing.

As for my FIL’s funeral - yes, she is lucky there because my son was sick (and I was getting sick) so I did not attend the reception - if I had she probably wouldn’t have had the nerve to say anything, but when my husband told me, I felt like I never wanted to see her again.

My BIL needs help, but he’s been an alcoholic for so long and she enables him - if I were her (the bread maker and he was speanding all the bread on drinks), I would have told him to clean up his act and get a job within 30 days or else. She keeps saying she will leave, but doesn’t. He uses the kids as his excuse to stay home - they are getting older now (one is a teen and she can handle anything) and can take care of theselves. I wish he would get better, but as long as she lets the behavior go on, it won’t. He even got drunk after the funeral and tried to cause a family fight then.

No, they are not the Godparents - we chose my DH’s brother and his wife - a much wiser choice. I hope when we have another the subject of them doesnt’ come up as candidates for Godparents, because they just aren’t up to the job IMO.
 
Well Pinky, alot of times when someone is unhappy in their situation, it makes them feel better if they have company. So they manufacture stuff.

What happens when your approach your husband about his sister? And what did HE say about her putting out bad stats at the funeral?
 
Important: alcoholic, abusive BIL.

Everything else seemed pretty petty, honestly. You could have used whatever baptism outfit you wanted. You chose to use the one from her, whether it is from Wal-Mart, Nordstroms, or a box from their garage. Why on earth would you delay a baptism just to include some people you don’t even get along with? And she runs her mouth and tells people bogus things about your marriage…some people are like that. It totally stinks and it’s not right, but in the great scheme of things, even that is not such a big deal (((sorry just my opinion))). It’s her problem (not yours) if she’s like that.

De-tangle yourself. These other things need not waste your energy.

Put your energy into your marriage, spiritual life, your family. You can only direct yourself, not one single ounce of what SIL does. Choose to not let her get under your skin. You really can choose it, too. You can only control you.

Someone like that really isn’t worth the energy to dwell on it.

Blessings to you!!!
 
BamaRider said:
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You’re probably correct in thinking moving away from HER is the prudent thing to do. I mean how do ya go to a *funeral *and tell folks, “well Pinky’s husband is only with her cos he wants to do the right thing, he doesn’t really love her.” I’d a gagged and stuffed her in one of the funeral home’s closets.
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You’re a better man than I am woman, Guy, because I would’ve used one of the display caskets, and not a funeral home closet, after enticing her to the business office!!! :rolleyes: And probably have thrown the air lock!!!

Yes, Pinkyyy, move away from her. **Far **away would be a good idea. I live far some family members. It is a good idea.
 
In many families, it is a beautiful tradition to share a baptismal gown. Perhaps you could have both your nephew’s and son’s name/baptism date embroidered on the gown, and begin this as a lovely tradition in your own family?
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
You’re a better man than I am woman, Guy, because I would’ve used one of the display caskets, and not a funeral home closet, after enticing her to the business office!!! :rolleyes: And probably have thrown the air lock!!!

Yes, Pinkyyy, move away from her. **Far **away would be a good idea. I live far some family members. It is a good idea.
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Okay, re-reading my previous reply and then the replies of the two of you…I apologize to the OP if I come across like an uncaring doofus (dufus? dofus?) person. Maybe I’m a bit off…my kids are watching Care Bears in the other room and it’s detaching some of my brain cells.
 
The relationship between you and your husband is really all that matters here. If it is good, you could live in the same community as your SIL and not have your peace disturbed. If your marriage is going badly, there could be a continent between you and your SIL and she could stir the pot. The two of you need to present a common front as to your commitment to one another and your family. Nothing else matters.
 
SarahR said:
Okay, re-reading my previous reply and then the replies of the two of you…I apologize to the OP if I come across like an uncaring doofus (dufus? dofus?) person. Maybe I’m a bit off…my kids are watching Care Bears in the other room and it’s detaching some of my brain cells.
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The Care Bears tend to do that to people.
 
Pinkyyy said:
my SIL and I really don’t get along too well - we dont’ fight, but we just are uneasy around eachother. One thing I don’t like is her attitute - she is very blunt and at her fathers FUNERAL brunch she felt it her business to tell everyone that my husband is just staying in our marriage “to do the right thing” and that he’s just faking to everyone that our marriage is okay - well, my husband would never tell her this - she makes assumptions b/c she thinks he’s “not happy”. Yeah we have problems, but you know, maybe you can shut your mouth until after everyone mourns your father - or better yet talk about YOUR problems instead of ours (her husband is an alcoholic who does not work, is abusive, and even had the nerve to come over drunk to our house and scream at my SIL - and scare to death our 1 year old son - and he didn’t care).

We even put off our son’s baptism for almost a year waiting for them to come for it - finally my husband’s brother had to call them up and actually yelled at them to go NOW to do it. Well, they came and they brought a baptism outfit for our son. I didn’t really like it - you could tell it was probably a cheap one from Walmart, but I didn’t want to be rude and used it for our son’s baptism (although I wanted to get him a really nice one). Well, I have never seen before the tape of my nephew’s baptism until now (my husband went and taped it a few years before our son was born) - and I couldn’t believe it - she recycled the baptism outfit that she used for her son and pretended like she bought it for our son, when it was her son’s. I mean, I didn’t even like it in the first place, it was not that nice, and I used it anyway to be nice, and I find out she didn’t even buy it for him. I would never give away his baptism outfit - but now I feel like it wasn’t “for him” and has lost it’s specialness. i don’t know about her.

This just makes me plain never want to be around her (and BIL), but now we are thinking about moving, and my husband is thowing our her state as a possibility to where we may want to go - umm…as long as it’s far far away from them, that’s what I say. But I don’t want to sound mean or upset my husband - it is his sister. I just don’t think we should live by them. What should I do? Just keep my mouth shut, or tell him I don’t want to live by them?
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Two things:
  1. You have every right to share your concern with your husband and he should respect your views of the situation.
  2. You should forgive your SIL and not continue to speak ill of her in a public forum
 
BamaRider said:
Daaaaaaaaaaaaang.
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Sorry if that came out sounding bad. I didn’t mean it that way really. It’s simply that I don’t think speaking ill of her SIL is the correct course of action. Certainly it can’t be said that forgiving her SIL is a bad thing. God bless.
 
In his book God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Greg Popcak points out that forgivenesss under such circumstances is not of the variety on the playground, where we as children forgive and forget. Some place in the adult mix has to be some proof that the offending party has true repentance, and will not do it again. This is not dissimilar to going to confession, when we must perform some penance, and certainly just waltzing into the confessional does not mean we are contrite. Indeed, we have to say our sins in order to be absolved. As a Catholic therapist, I feel Dr. Popcak’s opinion is of value here.

Her SIL has shown no remorse, contrition or made any attempt to make ammends. Her husband is throwing out the idea of moving to that very SIL’s state of residence. The OP obviously has nowhere to turn, and asked for assistance.
 
OutinChgoburbs said:
In his book God Help Me, These People Are Driving Me Nuts!, Greg Popcak points out that forgivenesss under such circumstances is not of the variety on the playground, where we as children forgive and forget. Some place in the adult mix has to be some proof that the offending party has true repentance, and will not do it again. This is not dissimilar to going to confession, when we must perform some penance, and certainly just waltzing into the confessional does not mean we are contrite. Indeed, we have to say our sins in order to be absolved. As a Catholic therapist, I feel Dr. Popcak’s opinion is of value here.

Her SIL has shown no remorse, contrition or made any attempt to make ammends. Her husband is throwing out the idea of moving to that very SIL’s state of residence. The OP obviously has nowhere to turn, and asked for assistance.
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So, as a Catholic therapist, do you suggest then that she continues to stay angry at her SIL? Nowhere have I suggested that the OP continues to allow herself to be verbally abused by her SIL. I had two points in my original reply:
  1. Share her concern with her husband and hope that he would respect her views on the situation; thus NOT moving close to dear SIL.
  2. Forgive her SIL and not continue to speak ill of her in a public forum.
The first should make it obvious that the OP should discuss the situation with her husband in the hope that he would agree not to relocate to an area close to the SIL; thus avoiding more frequent abuse. My second suggestion is to the OP herself and NOT for the benefit of the SIL. Surely, a therapist would agree that harboring anger is not healthy. The SIL isn’t suffering only the OP. On top of that, speaking ill of the SIL in an open forum seems rather uncharitable and certainly, I would not imagine it is “good” in the eyes of God. Therefore, the OP should let it go and forgive (not forget) the actions of her SIL for her own sake.
 
Pinkyyy said:
my SIL and I really don’t get along too well - we dont’ fight, but we just are uneasy around eachother. One thing I don’t like is her attitute - she is very blunt and at her fathers FUNERAL brunch she felt it her business to tell everyone that my husband is just staying in our marriage “to do the right thing” and that he’s just faking to everyone that our marriage is okay - well, my husband would never tell her this - she makes assumptions b/c she thinks he’s “not happy”. Yeah we have problems, but you know, maybe you can shut your mouth until after everyone mourns your father - or better yet talk about YOUR problems instead of ours (her husband is an alcoholic who does not work, is abusive, and even had the nerve to come over drunk to our house and scream at my SIL - and scare to death our 1 year old son - and he didn’t care).

We even put off our son’s baptism for almost a year waiting for them to come for it - finally my husband’s brother had to call them up and actually yelled at them to go NOW to do it. Well, they came and they brought a baptism outfit for our son. I didn’t really like it - you could tell it was probably a cheap one from Walmart, but I didn’t want to be rude and used it for our son’s baptism (although I wanted to get him a really nice one). Well, I have never seen before the tape of my nephew’s baptism until now (my husband went and taped it a few years before our son was born) - and I couldn’t believe it - she recycled the baptism outfit that she used for her son and pretended like she bought it for our son, when it was her son’s. I mean, I didn’t even like it in the first place, it was not that nice, and I used it anyway to be nice, and I find out she didn’t even buy it for him. I would never give away his baptism outfit - but now I feel like it wasn’t “for him” and has lost it’s specialness. i don’t know about her.

This just makes me plain never want to be around her (and BIL), but now we are thinking about moving, and my husband is thowing our her state as a possibility to where we may want to go - umm…as long as it’s far far away from them, that’s what I say. But I don’t want to sound mean or upset my husband - it is his sister. I just don’t think we should live by them. What should I do? Just keep my mouth shut, or tell him I don’t want to live by them?
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So her husband is an alcoholic who “does not work?” That is probably the reason for recycling the baptismal gown. Maybe they just didn’t have money to get a new one and were too embarrased to tell you. Perhaps she is really suffering because of everything that she has had to bear in her own marriage and is lashing out at you? In any case, it is a shame the outfit wasn’t something that you liked, but really it the sacrament that was the important thing, not what he was wearing.

There is nothing so priceless as the indelible mark your son’s soul received! Try to focus on that rather than what he had on his body.
 
Thanks for writing all, I am checking the responses (finally!) and just wanted to reply.

SarahR:

You could have used whatever baptism outfit you wanted. You chose to use the one from her, whether it is from Wal-Mart, Nordstroms, or a box from their garage. Why on earth would you delay a baptism just to include some people you don’t even get along with?

Yes, I should have used the one I wanted (one that has been passed down on my side of the family - a very nice silk one with a lot of meaning), but SIL came and gave that one - they traveled so far, I didn’t want to say thanks, but no thanks. She is my sister in law - even if we don’t get along, she is important to my husband and I can’t just do it without her.

Kage_ar

In many families, it is a beautiful tradition to share a baptismal gown. Perhaps you could have both your nephew’s and son’s name/baptism date embroidered on the gown, and begin this as a lovely tradition in your own family?

I agree it’s nice to share one (really!), but I don’t think this one should be used again - I mean, I am not trying to sound petty, but it’s basically a cotton jumper that looks like a shirt with shorts - I wouldn’t want to use it again - I would go and ask my mother for my family one.

Tietjen

You should forgive your SIL and not continue to speak ill of her in a public forum

Well, I just want to say that I never mentioned her name, location, or anything other than some general information - my first name isn’t even listed here, so it’s not like I am bashing her in a public forum really. People every day come here with some kind of problem with someone, but it’s not necessarily “bashing” the other. If this was a one time event, it may be easier to forgive and “try” to forget, but this is not the first time she’s talked of this in public, and she makes NO effort - I talk to my BIL (DH’s bro) once a month or so - I haven’t talked to my SIL in 5 months (my husband makes an effort to talk to her on the phone, but she NEVER has called here and she’s never wanted to speak with me or my son on the phone). I tried for a while when we got married, but she never gave any back and in turn turned on me and begain complaining about me because quite frankly, she’s “against my race” (I am not the same race as their family and since I really don’t want to give too much information on here, I won’t say anymore), but it’s no secret and I am sick of hearing about it when she’s around.

OutinChgoburbs

Her SIL has shown no remorse, contrition or made any attempt to make ammends. Her husband is throwing out the idea of moving to that very SIL’s state of residence. The OP obviously has nowhere to turn, and asked for assistance.

Thanks, this is exactly true.

3bambinos

So her husband is an alcoholic who “does not work?” That is probably the reason for recycling the baptismal gown. Maybe they just didn’t have money to get a new one and were too embarrased to tell you.

Actually, this is not the case - her husband spends hundreds of dollars on drinks a month, and she has a good salary. They take trips whenever they want and spends thousands when they do - I really don’t think money was the issue.

but really it the sacrament that was the important thing, not what he was wearing.

Yes, this is true - it is the sacrament. I guess I just always envisioned this nice baptismal outfit which could be passed on, which this one really can’t. But, yes, your point is correct.

Thanks for listening. This isn’t just about the baptism outfit obviously. It’s her continuing to complain about me for no good reason and behind my back. I just don’t want to have to deal with her or her DH - especially if he’s going to be over scaring the heck out of my son. Again, thanks for responding. If it comes to it and it’s a serious option to move there, I will have no choice but to speak up.
 
Many of us buy our children clothing at Walmart… because we can’t afford to buy it elsewhere and because there are actually some decent brands and good bargains to be had there.

I understand you being upset, but the whole thing about the gown possibly being from Walmart makes you sound like a snob. And it upset me, because I get gifts of clothing for my children, bought at Walmart, all the time, and I am GRATEFUL for the help and the generosity.

I buy most things at Walmart, because I have to pay the least I possibly can. We have five kids and together my DH and I earn less than $50,000. So next time, could we do without putting people down for shopping at Walmart?
 
duskyjewel said:
Many of us buy our children clothing at Walmart… because we can’t afford to buy it elsewhere and because there are actually some decent brands and good bargains to be had there.

I understand you being upset, but the whole thing about the gown possibly being from Walmart makes you sound like a snob. And it upset me, because I get gifts of clothing for my children, bought at Walmart, all the time, and I am GRATEFUL for the help and the generosity.

I buy most things at Walmart, because I have to pay the least I possibly can. We have five kids and together my DH and I earn less than $50,000. So next time, could we do without putting people down for shopping at Walmart?
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Well, I hate to say this, but maybe I am a snob then (and not trying to be rude) because it was one of the most special days of my life and I was really disappointed, kept my mouth shut anyway (even when her husband was screaming in front of my son and scaring him). His baptism was quite a while ago - back when things were good here and the world was NOT going through the hard times we are going through now, so it has nothing to do with the economic times we are in now. And it’s not even that really, it’s the fact that I could have used my family one, but she gave me one that she wanted to get rid of and made me feel like I had to use it.

What upset ME is not just that (as you can read in my post, there are MANY other things), but yes, that upset me too. I didn’t need that help from her, I just did it to be nice. I much rather she gave it to me and say we used it for our son, and you can use it or not, not try to pass it off as new and making me feel like I was obligated to use it. this post was not just about where she bought it from, it’s about her not being honest about it, her husband’s behavior, her speaking bad about me in front of my in-laws and other issues - I just recently found out about the baptismal outfit, and this is like the last straw.
 
I don’t think Pinkyy is upset so much because it came from WalMart. I think she is upset because, after all the aggravation her SIL pulled, her SIL presented the baptismal outfit as new and unused, and essentially lied about it.

I love and use WalMart quite frequently, esp. at uniform time for white blouses and polo shirts. If somebody gave me something from WalMart, I would accept it with gratitude. I don’t care so much. I would not be upset if somebody discreetly re-gifted me something. It would upset me a bit to find out something was not only re-gifted, but previously worn, and presented as new. I would get over it if the giver had otherwise treated me well. But if she behaved like Pinkyyy’s SIL- Oh, I’d be hot at the disrespect!!!

That is what this whole thing boils down to: SIL does not respect Pinkyyy, her DH (and SIL’s very own brother), or herself.
 
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