Upset with the husband

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KendraDZ1902

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I have been having some medical problems. Finally, I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, anxiety, and depression. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few days. Needless to say, I have been going to the doctor, A LOT. 3 doctor visits in 2 weeks, actually. And that has only been 2 weeks. That doesn’t count the tubes of blood that has been drawn. The lady at the lab at the naval hospital knows me by name. Anyway. Today my husband was scheduled for a routine check up that the navy requires. No big deal, they don’t even do the some-what embarrassing hernia check. Well, this morning at breakfast he lets me know that he hates going to the doctor, blah, blah, blah. This was right after I popped my 6 morning pills. I became very upset. I told him that he was ungrateful that he is healthy and that I would gladly trade going in for a minor, routine check up; if he wants to deal with my medical problems. I’m only 24. I know that has nothing to do with this little argument, but I’m 24 and I am having to take so much medication. 😦
He ends up calling my mom tattling on my that I need to be supportive. :mad: Really?! Sigh.
Was I wrong to tell him that he was acting ungrateful? Should I have babied him at the table at breakfast?
 
KendraDZ1902 said:
I have been having some medical problems. Finally, I have been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, anxiety, and depression. I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in a few days. Needless to say, I have been going to the doctor, A LOT. 3 doctor visits in 2 weeks, actually. And that has only been 2 weeks. That doesn’t count the tubes of blood that has been drawn. The lady at the lab at the naval hospital knows me by name. Anyway. Today my husband was scheduled for a routine check up that the navy requires. No big deal, they don’t even do the some-what embarrassing hernia check. Well, this morning at breakfast he lets me know that he hates going to the doctor, blah, blah, blah. This was right after I popped my 6 morning pills. I became very upset. I told him that he was ungrateful that he is healthy and that I would gladly trade going in for a minor, routine check up; if he wants to deal with my medical problems. I’m only 24. I know that has nothing to do with this little argument, but I’m 24 and I am having to take so much medication. 😦
He ends up calling my mom tattling on my that I need to be supportive. :mad: Really?! Sigh.
Was I wrong to tell him that he was acting ungrateful? Should I have babied him at the table at breakfast?
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Should he have been a bit more sensitive? Probably.

Should you have “babied” him at the breakfast table? Of course not.

Did you make a big deal out of something that didn’t have to be a big deal? Absolutely.

Should he have called your mom in order to “tattle” on you? What is this? Kindergarten?

Look, I know how unsettling medical issues can be and I’m sorry that you are having to deal with them. But the way you two are acting isn’t helping the situation.
 
Sickness and in health.

As a caregiver for the past four years I have a little experience in this I think. You did not ask for these health issues. It is very frustrating I know for both of you. IMHO his comments were not helpful, and you are not feeling well.

We only have a small snapshot here to work with from your statement, but I think it is he that needs to be supportive. Sometimes when we are sick we say things a bit harshly. Point this out to him, but also tell him what yo feel. Have an adult discussion. Sometimes it is hard to be an adult during stressful times.

Feeling bad all the time is horrible. He should thank his lucky stars that your illness is not more serious. This is more than likely just a little speed bump don’t you think? Maybe the incident will give you both cause to think on each other’s position for a while.

In my world, I try to be supportive, and at the same time, point out alternative ways to deal with frustration of the family member I am taking care of.

I hope you feel better.
 
I don’t have much to add, but I think you could use a big hug. If I could reach through the computer I would do just that. This will have to suffice. :hug3:
 
Everyone usually likes to talk about their own medical issues. If they don’t have any real medical issues, they talk in all seriousness about their own little aches, hair loss, or warts. I am not saying it is right, but it is predictable. I am not excusing your husband’s behavior, and I hope he has learned an important lesson about recognizing your problems and counting his blessings.

What can you do? Patch thing up with the husband. Say a prayer for him. You should both recall (as esieffe wrote) your promise to love each other in sickness and in health. I guess that means you love him even if he is so darned healthy. Apologize for your outburst, while reminding him gently that you are going through a hard time.

Seeing an endocrinologist is an excellent idea. I hope you get well very soon. I am praying for your healing and peace.
 
You lashed out because he was unhappy that he had to go to a routine medical check-up when you have to go to the doctor far more often. From the sounds of it, I believe this reaction was out of childish envy, and envy can develop into a grave matter. So I would be very careful in the future with this. Stop thinking about your own situation and remember that you’re a team.

He shouldn’t have tattled to your mother about it, but all of that is really besides the point. Don’t start treating it like a contest where the person with the least amount of guilt is the winner, and where one person doing something wrong gives you a free pass to do something wrong. That road leads to death. What’s done is done, and we can’t control other people. The only person you can fully control is yourself, so work on being more holy in your life so that you will be better able to help your husband and others as well.
 
I don’t think you need to baby him, but your approach might have been different. Don’t forget you are certainly under a lot of stress due to your own medical ills, and certainly frustrated. Make sure that is not what you were mad about, versus his complaint about a routine physical.

You might have simply stated that: “Yes I know going to the doctor is a pain, but just be glad it is for a routine check.” And then left it there. If, you feel he has been less than supportive of you recently, that is a different discussion for a different time. You could even invite him to study your illnesses with you so he understands them better.

Now, as far as calling your mother; Really? Now that is a no-no. You are adults and he needs to deal with your problems and his between the two of you. You don’t need to be tattled on.
 
Cricket2 said:

“You might have simply stated that: “Yes I know going to the doctor is a pain, but just be glad it is for a routine check.” And then left it there.”

Yes!
 
I’ve heard counselors say if they were ever put into a situation where they had to pick and could only develop ONE skill, they have often agreed the skill they would develop would be empathy. It’s the ability to put onself into another’s shoes.

I think we all want to feel loved, appreciated, special, supported, cared for. When we complain, we like to have a sympathetic “shoulder to cry on”. Often, we might simply like to vent. If somebody would simply LISTEN and show they care, whether they can change the circumstances or not, that would make ALL the difference in so many marriages and relationships.

A lot of times, couples feel their spouses just don’t care. When one doesn’t respond empathically, it just tends to reinforce that idea, whether it’s true or not.

If we can’t find support with one’s own spouse, where can we find it? If one can’t find the support one would like within the relationship, many will begin to look for moral support outside of it, with family, friends, etc.

Although it seems trivial to you about the doctor’s appointment, it is obviously not to him. To him, he’s really upset by it. So, we have to meet him where he is. For him, it’s a big deal, so because he believes it’s a big deal, in a sense, it is.

When we respond empathically, our relationships will tend to go more smoothly.

Like, he might get a papercut and say, “OUCH…that hurts!” As a woman, you might have given birth and may be thinking, “What a wimp!” Still, an effective way of handling this would be to say something empathic…more like, “Yeah, papercuts hurt!” He’ll feel better. You’ll feel better! 🙂
 
Ophelia23 said:
I don’t have much to add, but I think you could use a big hug. If I could reach through the computer I would do just that. This will have to suffice. :hug3:
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Thanks so much! :hug3:

To the others:
We have talked on the phone. He is working late tonight so we haven’t talked face to face. He apologized for complaining over a routine checkup and that tattling on me was wrong. I told him I was just under a lot of stress. All 3 diagnoses happened about a week ago, and I am still adjusting to everything. And I’m just a little bitter and freaked out about it all, and when he complained about something so simple, I kind of released my anger that I have been holding in.
 
Hi --I’ve been married for 40 some years and have 4 grown kids. I’ve also got medical issues – You didn’t say how old your husband is – only that you’re 24. Sometimes guys simply don’t know How to respond in a positive way towards a loved-ones medical problems. You’ve probably only been married for 6 yrs or so.

I was just rereading the other posts. So these are all New diagnosis? Then you both have a Lot to adjust to. Sounds like your husband Is trying to be sensitive to you – you said he’d called and apologized – that’s Good. Take All these things to God in prayer --He loves you and will be there along with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. God Bless 🙂
 
He’s 28 and April will be 2 years. He’s also under stress and I understand that. It’s just so tough right now.
 
ClearWater said:
Like, he might get a papercut and say, “OUCH…that hurts!” As a woman, you might have given birth and may be thinking, “What a wimp!” Still, an effective way of handling this would be to say something empathic…more like, “Yeah, papercuts hurt!” He’ll feel better. You’ll feel better! 🙂
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👍

We have to remember that life isn’t a contest. Saying “I’ve been through more than you have,” or “I’m going through more than you,” isn’t going to help anyone, including you.

(And I know what you are going through. I have a chronic illness and my husband is healthy as a horse.)
 
I offer you my hugs and prayers. I also wanted to address something that a few people only touched on. Does your husband often go and vent or “tattle” to his mother or parents. If this was once or a very rare thing, its probably nothing if its a regular answer to small problems its something that needs to be addressed. Many times parents (and even some friends) we run to when we have relationship issues and annoyances don’t forgive and forget when we do. There is also the harm of setting a standard of involving parents in marital affairs.
 
I’d cut yourself a little slack. An overactive thyroid can produce symptoms which are apt to produce stress and anxiety. A family member suffered it for some time - it was 100% treatable (1 pill a day as I recall).

Take it easy Kendra…
 
Sometimes a guy says things just in the course of normal conversation that he ought not to say. I know I whine once in a while. (My wife is always counting calories, so when I say, “I’m really hungry” it doesn’t always go over too well)

He apologized, right? That’s a big step.

As for calling his mom–that’s something he’s got to grow out of, and should have by now. A man’s gotta man up. But on the other hand, do you know what his mother is saying to him? She might be telling him to get his act together. Could she be telling him to apologize to you? That he needs to be a little more sensitive, etc.?

Should he call her and complain? No. But she could be working in your favor, couldn’t she?
 
For a successful marriage, you need to develop a generous sense of humor and a sense of irony.

My wife has a chronic condition. Years ago, I wouild complain that my back hurt, or whatever, and she would tell me that HER back hurt, AND she was fatigued AND blah blah blah. I confronted her - she never let ME be sick or feel bad - she was always “worse”. We talked about it. We realized it’s not a contest. We both have our struggles, and she has this strange need to somehow come out on top all the time.🤷

So, now, we joke about it.

My back hurts

Mine hurts more

AND, my shoulder is sore

My shoulder hurts , too.

And my foot just fell off

Oh, yeah? MY foot fell off, AND my arm is numb…

After a while, you will realize that the rough edges have worn off of your relationship and you are able to support each other, AND be supported.

Oh, and Kendra, it’s perfectly acceptable to respond to your husband, “Yeah, I hate doctors, too. I am so upset by everything that’s been going on the past few weeks. You hold me up and I’ll hold you up.”
 
ClearWater said:
I’ve heard counselors say if they were ever put into a situation where they had to pick and could only develop ONE skill, they have often agreed the skill they would develop would be empathy. It’s the ability to put onself into another’s shoes.

If we can’t find support with one’s own spouse, where can we find it? If one can’t find the support one would like within the relationship, many will begin to look for moral support outside of it, with family, friends, etc.

Although it seems trivial to you about the doctor’s appointment, it is obviously not to him. To him, he’s really upset by it. So, we have to meet him where he is. For him, it’s a big deal, so because he believes it’s a big deal, in a sense, it is.

When we respond empathically, our relationships will tend to go more smoothly.

)
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Great advice! Something I can learn from to apply to my own marriage.
 
I quoted part of both of these because they are both so good.
PaulinVA said:
For a successful marriage, you need to develop a generous sense of humor and a sense of irony.

My wife has a chronic condition. Years ago, I wouild complain that my back hurt, or whatever, and she would tell me that HER back hurt, AND she was fatigued AND blah blah blah. I confronted her - she never let ME be sick or feel bad - she was always “worse”. We talked about it. We realized it’s not a contest. We both have our struggles, and she has this strange need to somehow come out on top all the time.🤷
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PaulinVA, how true is that. If we think about it, someone would have be more sick than the other person to say anything about their own health or illness. If you broke your arm, you couldn’t talk to someone that lost theirs. If you were in a car accident, you couldn’t talk to someone that was in a train accident.

It isn’t a contest.
Monicad said:
I am sorry that you are going through this, please be assured of my prayers.

First of all a few things to consider, not all things are equal…certain situations are more stressful for some people. Some people can go to the dentist and it’s no big deal and for other people it totally freaks them out! So, perhaps for your husband a “routine” doctor visit really WAS something stressful.

Something else to consider…your doctor visits have been stressful for your husband too. The fact that you have been faced with all of these new diagnoses and are taking all of these new medications are probably devastating to your husband. This is not just something that is stressful for you, it is deeply stressful for HIM. His mind has probably been racing about how is his marriage going to be different, how is your personality going to be different, how is your sex life going to be different, how is this medication going to impact you, are you going to need counseling, how are the medical bills going to get paid, etc…etc…etc…and he may not be sharing those concerns with you since many men rarely do. His stress may have come out when faced with his own doctor visit!
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When you have a chronic condition, it is hard to remember that others are going through your illness with you.

KendraDZ1902, this is something that you will need to talk about. You will need your husband’s support. But he will also need yours.
 
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