Urgent Need for Help: Alcoholism, Forgiveness and Marriage

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chrisnelli

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I am in urgent need of some guidance.

My spouse is an alcoholic. This illness has destroyed our marriage and nearly every other part of our lives.

I am confused about how forgiveness really is manifested in this situation. Does forgiving mean that I must continue to live with him? I have very serious cardiac issues of my own, and he was too drunk to help me while experiencing my last [nearly fatal] heart attack.

He, too, has nearly died from the alcoholism. He has returned to in-patient treatment for the nth time, but I no longer believe that he truly is committed to recovery. When he bought and guzzled his last two liters of vodka about two weeks ago, after having been in treatment a dozen times and having been provided with many alternatives, he expressed that even though he knew this would be “the last straw,” he bought and consumed the alcohol anyway. I am bankrupt, emotionally and financially.

What is the right thing to do? I do not want to live with him, though I believe I can forgive him. Or, since he is my husband, must I live with him in order to demonstrate forgiveness?

Please help.
 
First of all, if you haven’t you should talk to your priest about your situation so he can advise you.

No, you don’t need to live with your husband. If you can live separately you may do so for the sake of your health and well being.

His recovery is up to him not you. If he’s not committed to it, you cannot make him, so don’t enable him by continuing to be a prop. He has to realize that he isn’t going to get better unless he really wants to. He needs some other kind of program if the one he’s been using hasn’t worked. He should seek other options, but you cannot be held responsible for what he does/doesn’t do.

And of course, pray about it, and for him, and then–this is very important–leave it in God’s hands. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself since your husband is not able to.

You have my prayers.
 
Della,

Thank you. Yes, I have spoken to my priest, who is fully aware of this situation. But, unfortunately, I was not yet able to formulate the question about what constitutes forgiveness in this set of circumstances.

Thank you for your kind response, as my heart truly is broken, but I do very much want to do the “right” thing. And, of course, prayer is my refuge.

God bless you.
 
You do not have to live with him under these circumstances. Forgiveness does not mean putting yourself at risk.
I will pray for you.
 
Thank you, Musician. Your reply and your prayers are encouraging.
 
This is so sad. I’m sorry this is happening. I don’t have answers for you, and I’m not even sure I should try to give answers since it’s your life not mine, but I will pray for you.
 
Saint Michael, the archangel, defend us in battle, be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the devil, may God rebuke him, we humbly pray. And do you, O’ Prince of the Heavenly host, by the power of God thrust into Hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who prowl about the world for the ruin of souls.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†
 
Thank you, sdegutis and pollylodges, for your compassion and prayers. In all this time since I discovered the ugliness of this problem, in all these years of trying and hoping and meeting utter disappointment, I have been unable to cry, despite the depth of my sadness, because I always am so shocked at what is happening. But, just now, this moment, the tears are spilling. Perhaps it is the beginning of a cleansing experience. Certainly, it is the beginning of acceptance of what lies ahead.

God bless both of you.
 
You can’t really forgive someone who is continuing the horrible behavior. You can only distance yourself from it. Until he goes into probably a 90-day (name removed by moderator)atient recovery program, things will only get worse.

I’m really sorry for your situation. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and it really damaged me and my siblings. My prayers are with you.
 
Avocadomom said:
You can’t really forgive someone who is continuing the horrible behavior. You can only distance yourself from it. Until he goes into probably a 90-day (name removed by moderator)atient recovery program, things will only get worse.

I’m really sorry for your situation. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, and it really damaged me and my siblings. My prayers are with you.
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You can forgive someone who is actively sinning against you, that’s what Jesus did for us on the cross. It’s just harder when they are unrepentant.

But forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them hurt you. I know that much at least. I’m not talking about this specific case, just in general, it’s not a sin to physically remove yourself from someone hurting you, even though you forgive them from your heart.
 
So sorry for your serious troubles, I will promise to pray for you. Please try to do everything you can to take care of your own health, which sound very serious also, and I will pray for that too.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
Thank you, Avacadomom, for making a good point. Forgiveness and repentance go hand in hand, and it is very difficult to achieve one without the other.

Nevertheless, I think I do forgive him, because when he is sober, he is a very kind-hearted, funny man, and his company is delightful. And, at all times, he, too, is a child of God. But, the alcohol consumption has done so much damage over the years, in so many ways, that I know I cannot live with it any longer.

Last October, I returned home from a business trip to find him in deplorable circumstances. He had consumed so much vodka, he required resuscitation. From detox to his return was well over ninety days, and then he continued with his program, albeit sporadically, for a couple more months. This was only one of a dozen or more attempts at long-term, residential treatment.

Over the years, I’ve developed a fear or walking into the house only to discover his lifeless body. That fear was nearly realized last October, and had become nearly disabling by that point, anyway. It is clear that I just can’t do this anymore, neither for his sake, nor for mine.

May God bless you.
 
Thank you for your prayers, mountee. It is a great comfort. God bless you.
 
No, you do not have to live with someone who is an active alcoholic; you can separate to protect yourself and/or children.

Get support for yourself and your children here:
al-anon.alateen.org

Speak to your priest as well.

You are NOT alone.
 
chrisnelli said:
I am in urgent need of some guidance.

My spouse is an alcoholic. This illness has destroyed our marriage and nearly every other part of our lives.

I am confused about how forgiveness really is manifested in this situation. Does forgiving mean that I must continue to live with him? I have very serious cardiac issues of my own, and he was too drunk to help me while experiencing my last [nearly fatal] heart attack.

He, too, has nearly died from the alcoholism. He has returned to in-patient treatment for the nth time, but I no longer believe that he truly is committed to recovery. When he bought and guzzled his last two liters of vodka about two weeks ago, after having been in treatment a dozen times and having been provided with many alternatives, he expressed that even though he knew this would be “the last straw,” he bought and consumed the alcohol anyway. I am bankrupt, emotionally and financially.

What is the right thing to do? I do not want to live with him, though I believe I can forgive him. Or, since he is my husband, must I live with him in order to demonstrate forgiveness?

Please help.
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Praying for you & your husband’s intentions.
 
chrisnelli said:
I am in urgent need of some guidance.

My spouse is an alcoholic. This illness has destroyed our marriage and nearly every other part of our lives.

I am confused about how forgiveness really is manifested in this situation. Does forgiving mean that I must continue to live with him? I have very serious cardiac issues of my own, and he was too drunk to help me while experiencing my last [nearly fatal] heart attack.

He, too, has nearly died from the alcoholism. He has returned to in-patient treatment for the nth time, but I no longer believe that he truly is committed to recovery. When he bought and guzzled his last two liters of vodka about two weeks ago, after having been in treatment a dozen times and having been provided with many alternatives, he expressed that even though he knew this would be “the last straw,” he bought and consumed the alcohol anyway. I am bankrupt, emotionally and financially.

What is the right thing to do? I do not want to live with him, though I believe I can forgive him. Or, since he is my husband, must I live with him in order to demonstrate forgiveness?

Please help.
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GO TO AL-ANON.
Do not pass go…find meetings and go.
Don’t quit going if you don’t like a particular meeting…fins other ones and,Keep going.
I will pray for you.
Oh, and did I mention…go to AlAnon.
🙂
 
chrisnelli said:
Thank you for your prayers, MacQ. God bless you!
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You are most welcome.
You do NOT have to live with him.
But don’t make threats you aren’t sure you can carry out.

You do need to forgive him (for your own sake).
You do need to take care of yourself.
(That’s why you go to AlAnon!!!)
 
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