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Catholicwife32
Guest
I still disagree. The issue is not keeping score, but on neglecting the more general idea a positive intention mindset. Boundaries are still needed. It’s still important to recognize and point out when things in the marriage are becoming unfairly balanced. “Hey honey, I felt a bit abandoned today and really overwhelmed. I know you want to be there for me. I’m still a bit stressed. I could use some extra help here. What are your ideas?”
The 50/50 shouldn’t be viewed as referring to “I only need to need to give 50% of my time to my marriage” nor should it be viewed as “Our tasks should be divided equally down the middle.” It simply means that both spouses are equally invested into the wellbeing of the relationship. So within that 50/50 is each spouses’ 100% effort.
If a relationship becomes 70/30, that means the person giving 70% is still putting in their 100% and the person putting 30% is putting less than 100% of their effort into the relationship. The 50/50 is a balanced acheived through both people giving their all.
If your relationship has a positive intention mindset and healthy boundaries, then any apparent imbalance is easily and quickly resolved when the couple talks about their needs and stress levels. Apologies come quickly not because you forced yourself to be the first one to say it, but because you weren’t letting your pride get in the way of saying it.
Indeed, the big concern I have over the usual advice is that it’s only an apparent solution that allows relatively healthy relationships to get by by finding a reason not to make a big deal about small matters. There’s room for a better solution, but it’s what people go with because the better solution can feel fleeting.
But for couples who have serious marital problems, this advice makes the situation worse by encouraging codependent behavior. The individual who is giving and giving and getting little in return does have to set boundaries with their spouse and ensure that if a relationship becomes 70/30, the way to right it is to back down and give 50 while the other person remains at 30. Indeed our impulse to hold back is not a bad one in the right situation. It’s a healthy way of setting a boundary. The issue in healthier relationships is that we can often presume that our spouse has poor intentions when they don’t. A part of having a positive intention mindframe requires there to be a lot of trust in the relationship, but you can work at it by still framining your requests as if your spouse would respect your boundary. Then when they don’t, you can just say “Well, okay. I guess I’ll do this then. I’m not happy with it. Feel free to give me ideas in the future and I’ll be willing to collaborate with you.” As such, the ideas you have do require you to not enable your spouse in their vice.