Using NFP and communicating with your spouse to achieve pregnancy

[Augustinian82]

Hi all,

We’re doing NFP and we want to get pregnant, but every time I tell my husband that I’m fertile or that I’m at my peak, he gets upset, because he feels that I’m just using intercourse as means to have children. I keep telling him that’s not true. The thing is that pregnancy is all about timing and for some reason we always find ourselves having intercourse during the luteal phase and not during the days prior to ovulation. If we keep going that way, we’re never going to get pregnant, which is why I started showing him my chart and talked about it.

Have any of you ladies or guys had this problem? I could keep my fertility secret, but that seems to me to run contrary to what NFP stands for. I thought NFP was special because the idea is for the spouses to look at the charts and discuss the woman’s cycle. The USCCB website that NFP is meant for the husbands to “tune into” their wife’s cycle.

Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

 

[msugeotech]

Being a guy, I’m going to throw out a guess…perhaps he believes that something that’s supposed to be life-changing, or in this case, life-creating, is being reduced to a science experiment.

But, having said that, ask him how else are you going to have children if you’re not going to have sex while you are fertile??? I thought that trying was the fun part…

 

[dixieagle]

I can see why he’d think he was part of a science experiment, rather than your romantic partner. Just put away the chart, and use your feminine wiles. You’ll likely achieve the desired results.

 

[Godfollower]

I get that you’re approaching him in the days leading to ovulation. But do you also approach him at other times for the fun of it? We want to feel wanted, too.

 

[Em_in_FL]

Hmmm… well I do remember DH would complain of being “worn out” by the time my luteal phase arrived when we were TTC , but not about feeling “used” really .

I guess my question is more about his *desire *to TTC… maybe he isn’t as ready as he claims?
I mean, there are many couples that actually have fertility issues that have to go through ACTIVE steps in order to conceive (charting, timing, etc) and would do so in a heartbeat in order to have a child.
Or, if you actually are presenting each opportunity of being together ONLY in regards to your fertility, then I guess I understand if he’s annoyed… maybe try not mentioning your fertility during your fertile time and suggest being together just for the sake of being together.

HTH!

EDITING to add:
Don’t forget that conjugal love within marriage is TWOfold in nature… BOTH for procreation AND for the good of the spouses. If you’re only focusing on the procreative aspect without including the unitive aspect (even emotionally) then that can cause issues.

 

[twiceblessed]

I can see why he’d think he was part of a science experiment, rather than your romantic partner. Just put away the chart, and use your feminine wiles. You’ll likely achieve the desired results.

This is good advice. Most couples can conceive without charting just by engaging in the marital act at least three times a week (about every other day or so) when trying to achieve pregnancy. Most husband’s wouldn’t mind that plan.

 

[msugeotech]

And never forget these words of wisdom:

“Good customer service is like taking a bath, you just have to keep doing it.”

(Taken from a fortune cookie on a recent trip to my local Chinese restaurant.)

 

[ChristinaM]

I can see why he’d think he was part of a science experiment, rather than your romantic partner. Just put away the chart, and use your feminine wiles. You’ll likely achieve the desired results.

I agree with this advice. We are still avoiding right now, but we’ve discussed TTC, and when we get to that point, he’d like to just toss the charts and let the good times roll.

Seems your husband would rather be pleasantly surprised. My husband has expressed a similar wish, so I think it’s not uncommon.

 

[monicaperez]

What are TTC and TTA?

 

[Godfollower]

What are TTC and TTA?

Trying To Conceive and Trying To Avoid [children].

 

[EricDavis73]

…which is why I started showing him my chart and talked about it.

This stuck out to me. My wife and I have been using NFP for 7+ years now (Creighton at first, CCL/Sympto-Thermal for the past year) and one thing that we are still learning is that NFP is a mindset, not just a ‘system’. If his only involvement is just being shown your chart when it’s ‘time’, then (as a guy) I can see why he would have a negative response.

My advice would be to get him more involved in some fashion. Have him help you chart. Maybe put him in charge of some portion of it. We don’t use the computer software, but maybe he would like (name removed by moderator)ut your charting into that.

Us guys like to have control and if there’s one thing we have absolutely no control over it’s our wives’ cycles. Give him some control in some manner and I bet you’ll find that he will start communicating first, then have a change of heart shortly thereafter.

 

[Serap]

My husband used to hate it too when I told him I was fertile and we had to do it that evening or it would be too late. What did he do…he got angry with me sometimes, but he sucked it up and did his baby making duty.

Men don’t like it when you use this approach.

Try another approach. Spontaneously put something sexy on or make a romantic dinner when and when you are not fertile. It might put the R back in romanance.

If he really wants a baby, he will get down to business during the important time. Perhaps he just needs to warm up to the idea a bit first. When he sees that you’re not getting pregnant, it may alarm him and he may begin to participate.

He also may just want things to happen naturally with no pressure. If you are in your 20’s then this is not a problem.

 

[twiceblessed]

But remember in a spiritual sense it is a loving and indeed romantic and spiritual thing to try and give life a chance…try and look beyond the expectations of movies and television and love songs on the radio that we have all heard all of our lives…try and see yourselves as God sees you and how wonderful and beautiful it is that a loving husband and wife are deliberately trying to bring another soul into the world, even if they may not be “in the mood” how beautiful is that!!!

Monica, this is very beautiful!

 

[Augustinian82]

I recall this was a little bit of a problem for us when we were first trying to have children. My husband had envisioned that conceiving children with his wife was going to be a very romantic and loving experience…he didn’t think it was going to be about calendars and timing and being made to “perform.”

I will pray for you. Please just tell your husband he is not alone…most of us have “romantic” notions of getting pregnant, both husbands and wives. Looking at charts and schedules is not romantic, at least it is not romantic by todays standards. But remember in a spiritual sense it is a loving and indeed romantic and spiritual thing to try and give life a chance…try and look beyond the expectations of movies and television and love songs on the radio that we have all heard all of our lives…try and see yourselves as God sees you and how wonderful and beautiful it is that a loving husband and wife are deliberately trying to bring another soul into the world, even if they may not be “in the mood” how beautiful is that!!!

You know your husband, do what you can to help him relax. In addition, talk about wanting a family and how important that is for the both of you. Your husband needs to know that you love him and not that you see him just as a sperm donor. You can do this, you have the graces of a sacramental marriage to help you.

God bless, hope this helps a little.

Thanks Monicad! So true! Thanks everybody for your advice!