Vacation with Quasi-Estranged Sibling?

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SurlyMermaid

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Long story short, my family is small, in another state, and dysfunctional. There’s been a lot of drama and so I keep them at arm’s length and the feeling is mutual.

My sister invited to me fly to a beach on vacation with her in the fall. I was pretty excited about it but kept procrastinating on buying the ticket for myself. I figured out what’s bothering me:

Apparently her husband hates me. He hates me for things I’ve done/people have lied and said I have done in the past. In the way back past. Neither me sister or I are in any way, shape, or form the same gals we were years ago. He also holds a grudge against me that I divorced my husband and, so the rumor went, left him for another man. My brother-in-law isn’t to know that I’m on this vacation with my sister and my mother. Also, my sister never invites my kids to her kids’ birthday parties. My older kids are pretty bitter about this.

Honestly, I don’t want to spend my birthday weekend with my quasi-estranged mother and my sister. I know that sounds horrible. I know you all don’t know the story and this is filtered through my perception. I just feel uncomfortable somehow and I’m not sure why. “I think family” has seemed such an uncomfortable concept for so long that I don’t want to expend the energy with it.

Feel free to ask me to fill in gaps; my ability to share information is sometimes impeded by my forgetting you’re all not mind readers!!!

Thanks.

SM
 
I would not go on vacation with them. If they want a reconciliation, do it at lunch in a reataurant so yiu can leave if things get bad.

ETA: oops, forgot they are out of state–lunch may be difficult. But I still would choose a better way to reconcile.
 
Don’t go. I also have a dysfunctional family and whenever I did things because I felt obliged to, ignoring the little voice inside telling me otherwise, I made a mistake.
 
There’s no way I would go on a trip that was a secret from my BIL (unless they were in the process of getting divorced).

As somebody upthread said, you need a get-together with a better exit strategy, where you’re not potentially trapped with them.
 
Xantippe said:
As somebody upthread said, you need a get-together with a better exit strategy, where you’re not potentially trapped with them.
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Although at least on vacation there are some potential benefits:

a) it’s neutral territory.
b) you can always hide out in your room, go on tourist activities, day tours, etc, and quite easily avoid people you don’t want to hang out with.
c) it is isolated from other family, so no one else will have any influence over the discussions, and children won’t witness any unpleasantness if it comes to that.
d) you will all be away from other stressors, so perhaps more inclined to get along.

Ultimately, it’s up to the OP and her judgement call on it. It may be a wonderful healing experience for her and her sister. But equally, it may be an expensive and unpleasant experience if things do not go well. If you’re the sort of person who could still have a good time even if you have to avoid your sister and mother, then it may be worth considering.
 
Wow, if there is that much bitterness and strife, I think getting together for a “vacation” would be the last thing I would do!

It seems to me you might be putting the cart before the horse— iron out your difficulties and misunderstandings first through a series of phone conversations or letter writings. Then once certain issues are resolved and the tensions decreased, only then would I think about spending any significant amount of face time with them.

Just my personal opinion. God bless you.
 
If you don’t frel comfortable, don’t go, but it sounds like your sister is interested in potentially reconciling. I would pray about it.
 
If I understand correctly, your sister wants you to go on vacation with her, but she’s hiding that fact from her own husband?

I would have a problem with that. Her motives may be the best (time with you & without his attitude toward you), but hiding something like that in a marriage isn’t good.
 
I agree with the other posters that if this is a reconciliation it would be best to do it prior to a vacation. If you do go on this vacation you should insist that your BIL will know that you are coming. Do not be a part of any deception because you will be blamed for it. You don’t need that. I’m sorry that you are having these problems.
 
Is your BIL going on vacation too? I definitely wouldn’t go if he were going to be there and wasn’t told about your coming. If it’s meant to be a girl’s weekend, with just you, your sister, and your mom, I’d feel more comfortable. That said, it’s a vacation. Vacation time is precious and is meant to be relaxing and rejuvinating. It won’t be if you’re stressed out in the weeks leading up to it and during the vacation itself. I’d skip just because you don’t want to go. It’s as simple as that.

When you turn down the invitation, maybe suggest something else you can to do toegether so she knows you’re not just snapping the olive branch. Maybe she and BIL can be invited for a weekend at your place? Or you can meet for dinner at a city between the two of you. Or if you will be hosting a holiday meal in the upcoming year extend an invitation to your family.

In short, reconciliation is good. Stressful beach vacations are not.
 
nodito said:
Is your BIL going on vacation too? I definitely wouldn’t go if he were going to be there and wasn’t told about your coming. If it’s meant to be a girl’s weekend, with just you, your sister, and your mom, I’d feel more comfortable. That said, it’s a vacation. Vacation time is precious and is meant to be relaxing and rejuvinating. It won’t be if you’re stressed out in the weeks leading up to it and during the vacation itself. I’d skip just because you don’t want to go. It’s as simple as that.

When you turn down the invitation, maybe suggest something else you can to do toegether so she knows you’re not just snapping the olive branch. Maybe she and BIL can be invited for a weekend at your place? Or you can meet for dinner at a city between the two of you. Or if you will be hosting a holiday meal in the upcoming year extend an invitation to your family.

In short, reconciliation is good. Stressful beach vacations are not.
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First, thanks to everyone so far! 🙂

My BIL is not going… just my sister and our mother. I think it’s great that she’s invited me and I’m just trying to take that at face value.

We have invited her and her family for things. Her husband does not want us around them and their kids. The best answer I’ve ever gotten about that was that he doesn’t approve of my divorce and re-marriage and “things * done in the past.” I am not allowed at their home. I’ve never done drugs or anything so I’m not sure what that means, other than just being a crazy b-word in my teens and early 20’s (I’m almost 40 now). I wasn’t the most mature person.

I hate that I even feel suspicious but this is a family that pulls the rug out from others at times. No one can just be assertive; people sneak around and get passive-aggressive or just downright aggressive with things. 😦 I hate feeling like there is some agenda! I think it would go well, but then I would be trapped with them if it goes south. I think I would regret not going though… Yikes! I feel so dialectical about this. :eek:

Anway… much prayer on my part. I need to get in the habit of doing that!!! (Still new to Christianity.)

SM*
 
Your brother in law seems awfully judgemental. I can’t imagine telling my husband that he cannot see his brother over things that has happened over a decade ago. He seems very self righteous. Life is too short and family is family…Have you thought of having a heart to heart with your sister? What does she have to say about his behavior? I definitely agree with the others who mentioned that she let him know that you’re going on this vacation otherwise you’ll be the one that catches all the blame. God bless and good luck!
 
Long story short: Life is too short to live with strife & fear.

Go on vacation and serve your sister & mothers every whim. Leave your selfish desires behind and find a way to put them before you.
 
Reading about your family feels like reading about my own. So many similarities, down to the brother in law who has been snubbing me for years, and I have no idea why.

For what it’s worth, heart to hearts would do absolutely nothing except fuel the fires, in my family. The one time I mentioned to my dad what was going on with my brother in law, he brushed it off with, “I haven’t noticed anything,” and went right back to telling me all the things I need to fix for everyone. When I’ve tried to talk to my siblings, similar responses.

I wouldn’t be going on vacation. As you say, if things go badly, it’s very difficult to leave.
 
I’m not sure how you have come to know what your BIL thinks about you. Have you heard it first hand from him? Is it behind the scenes through your Sister? Or does it come via your mother?

You seem to indicate that you were immature, and may have done things that you regret. Have any of these infractions been to him? If so, have you apologized to him?

If you decide to go on this “vacation” and you and your sister get along famously - what would be the end result? Would she come clean with her husband that you and she had this secret meeting? I fear that you might be giving more ammunition to your BIL - but - at this point - it may not matter since he refuses to see you anyway. (although, it could create some kind of schism between he and your sister).

If you go, and it is a disaster - would that give you some kind of closure to write off your sister and her family? How would your mother handle that?

I presume that you are not keeping this a secret from your kids? (I can’t tell if you are remarried or not - since your BIL thinks you left your first for another man). (Was he great friends with your ex and feels the slighted by the divorce?) If you are remarried - how does your husband feel about this meeting?

I’m not going to tell you to go ahead or not. It could turn out - it might not - and there is probably a greater chance than not that it will be okay but not great.

If this sister had been a friend and not family - would you go? - or would you write her off?
 
SamH said:
Agreed. Skip going on vacation with them and avoid the strife and fear.

Somehow I don’t think that will help anything.
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Geez, are you stalking me to disagree? Charity (pure love) is the medicine to ALL family difficulties. If she goes on vacation expecting her sister and mother to bend to her ideals, surely, she will be disappointed. If she goes and plans to serve her family without selfish motives, she cannot be disappointed.

I suspect her sister is in need of something major from her mom and the OP. it could be a sickness, hopelessness, depression, ect … And I suspect she needs unconditional love to get her through what ever prompted her to request this time.
 
Contra_Mundum said:
Don’t go. I also have a dysfunctional family and whenever I did things because I felt obliged to, ignoring the little voice inside telling me otherwise, I made a mistake.
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Sometimes I wish this forum had a ‘thumbs up’ option!👍😃
 
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