validity of arranged marriages

[ConstantineTG]

Well if you really think about with hard logic, you can’t choose your family. The circumstances just make it impossible. Scientifically, it’s beyond anyone’s control. You can’t really say the same about marriage. You can choose no matter what parents or society should say.

I understand that the priest may be trying to send a message regarding putting up with what life throws at you but I don’t think arranged marriages were the right example. :\

Depends on the cultural aspect. In many cultures both present and past, choosing a spouse is beyond your control as well.

I thought it was a great example. Not that I’d want to be in an arranged marriage, but it shows great humility in submission to God and to our earthly parents.

 

[ConstantineTG]

Then it shouldn’t be a sacrament. Are you aware that by reducing the whole affair of procreation to the level of materialistic, you can justify everything from ABC to abortion?

P.S.

You might want to look at the loaded question that was directed at Christ before giving me His answer that was the verse that you quoted.

Marriage should be giving each other everything, from the materialistic to the emotional to the spiritual. Materialistic is just more stable than emotional. Those who marry mainly for emotions could wake up the next day feeling different, thus the emotional factor is gone and the marriage falls apart.

But ideally it should be all three equally. Honestly, if you don’t like how your spouse looks (doesn’t have to be Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba) and you’re insecure with their standing in life, your marriage will fall apart.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Depends on the cultural aspect. In many cultures both present and past, choosing a spouse is beyond your control as well.

Ah, but free will transcends cultures. I hope you don’t mind me quoting me this but “the mind is an attribute of the individual. There is no such thing as a collective brain.”

I thought it was a great example. Not that I’d want to be in an arranged marriage, but it shows great humility in submission to God and to our earthly parents.

Well parents aren’t always right. They’re still human. I should know. I learned that lesson the hard way, the really hard way…

 

[SMHW]

I think it’s hard for those of us who are the products of Western culture to wrap our brains around the idea of arranged marriages because we are so used to equating adulthood with the end of having things arranged for us.

We assume we can chose our spouse, our job, our place of residence, the food we will eat, the kind of car we will drive, etc.

Very few of us *NEED *to get married to have a comfortable (if lonely) life. Most of us treat marriage as a luxury rather than a necessity. We’re used to being able to chose whether we will we drive a Ford, a Toyota, a BMW, or no car at all. And we expect that we can likewise chose the mate that most appeals to us.

It wasn’t always that way. Marriage in some places is still the primary means of providing economic support for women and elderly parents. It provides men a way to have the freedom to work while knowing their dependents will be cared for. Having ANY decent spouse is considered a good thing.

And while there is the potential for arranged marriages to go wrong, it’s not that much greater than what can go wrong when we arrange our own marriages. And there tends to be this idea that parents (or whoever does the arranging) are not taking the unique personalities of the individuals into consideration. In fact, parents can be pretty good at picking partners that their children will actually like.

And from what I understand, in many cultures the potential spouses DO get to meet each other prior to the wedding to see if they want to go forward with the wedding.

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

And while there is the potential for arranged marriages to go wrong, it’s not that much greater than what can go wrong when we arrange our own marriages. And there tends to be this idea that parents (or whoever does the arranging) are not taking the unique personalities of the individuals into consideration. In fact, parents can be pretty good at picking partners that their children will actually like.

Actually, as much as I criticize arranged marriages, there is only one danger it presents that is truly a moral concern.

No matter what the pro-arranged marriage party says, none can deny the historical fact that arranged marriages had been (and perhaps still are) used for forging alliances. This occurred in many ancient empires across Asia and the same also could be said of medieval Europe. Given that the concerns of the monarchy were deemed of higher priority in those days, you can’t exactly be naive to think that individual concerns mattered much to them. I mean, I’m personally sure I’ve read one or two stories of female saints fleeing from being forced into marriage for economic and political reasons.

 

[SMHW]

Actually, as much as I criticize arranged marriages, there is only one danger it presents that is truly a moral concern.

No matter what the pro-arranged marriage party says, none can deny the historical fact that arranged marriages had been (and perhaps still are) used for forging alliances. This occurred in many ancient empires across Asia and the same also could be said of medieval Europe. Given that the concerns of the monarchy were deemed of higher priority in those days, you can’t exactly be naive to think that individual concerns mattered much to them. I mean, I’m personally sure I’ve read one or two stories of female saints fleeing from being forced into marriage for economic and political reasons.

Exceptions to the rule make much better tales.

Saints and the aristocracy, for better or for worse, are exceptional. So while I agree that such people give evidence to the problems with arranged marriages, I don’t think they should be held up as reasons why arranged marriages in general are bad ideas.

(And for the record, I am not saying I want arranged marriages to become the norm.)

 

[Lost_Wanderer]

Exceptions to the rule make much better tales.

Saints and the aristocracy, for better or for worse, are exceptional. So while I agree that such people give evidence to the problems with arranged marriages, I don’t think they should be held up as reasons why arranged marriages in general are bad ideas.

(And for the record, I am not saying I want arranged marriages to become the norm.)

Is the “misuse” of arranged marriages limited only to the aristocracy? What about businessmen? Politicians?

Truth be told, I have no problem if arranged marriages truly did consider the individuals involved and did not, in any of even the slightest way, threatensaid individuals (be it by force of money, society, culture, family etc).

However, I am not blind to the strife caused when it was used to bind groups together for all sorts of ulterior reasons.

 

[Sarabande]

Is the “misuse” of arranged marriages limited only to the aristocracy? What about businessmen?**** Politicians?

Truth be told, I have no problem if arranged marriages truly did consider the individuals involved and did not, in any of even the slightest way, threatensaid individuals (be it by force of money, society, culture, family etc).

However, I am not blind to the strife caused when it was used to bind groups together for all sorts of ulterior reasons.

Interesting that you mentioned this. My grandmother and her sisters were set up in arranged marriages by her father - a wealthy businessman - to other wealthy Chinese businessmen. Although my grandmother’s sisters followed through with the arranged marriages, my grandmother did not. She knowingly gave up her wealth and her connection with her family by refusing to get married to her father’s choice and then eloping with a “poor” man who “only” of Filipino/Spanish descent. That was a huge no-no, even though her own father (Chinese immigrant) married her mother who was exactly of that heritage. She was disowned by her father who never stepped foot in her home, but she knew her own mind and would not be told what to do and be forced into what she believed would be an unhappy marriage based on her own parents’ marriage and eventually the marriages of her sisters. They had loads of money, but no love or happiness.

I don’t know the reasons for the marriage arrangements except that it was probably cultural, at least amongst the Chinese, and probably fairly normal back in the 20s/30s. Although, I am aware that the financial connections my great-grandfather made by these “alliances” were very good for him and his own business. Personally, I’m very happy that my grandmother eloped and was the spitfire that she was (and still is), otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

That all said, I did go to school with sisters whose parents were arranging marriages for them. They were Indian. It seemed to be much different than my grandmother’s experience. Their parents would let them check out the guys they were considering for them and the girls could approve or disapprove. If they approved, then they would get to know each other under supervision, of course. One of the sisters, although she had a good relationship with her parents, did start to see a young man on the sly. She was afraid that her parents wouldn’t approve of him. I think that they worked it out so that the parents would somehow meet him and then they were able to get permission to see each other. Not sure if the parents ever found out about the secret meetings, though.

 

[anon87900350]

I can think of a couple of reasons.

1.) It’s only common sense to say that you can’t just ‘act lovingly’ in a marital way towards a complete stranger. (This goes especially for one your parents decided to bind you for the rest of your life without your consent.)
:

Arranged marriages don’t usually involve a complete stranger these days. You get to know the person for a few months, but it’s arranged in the sense that there’s an expectation that it will end up in marriage if things work out. I’m going to be married through such an arrangement. I’ve been talking to this guy for three weeks now, and I’m honestly apprehensive about how it will all turn out, but I think if both parties are generally compatible on an emotional and intellectual level, and open-hearted towards love; it can’t be too bad. I feel like there’s less pressure on you from the other person in arranged marriages for one. But I think what ultimately allows to you be comfortable with making such a commitment is the faith of your partner. If you are strong in your faith, and you have a possible partner that’s strong in his faith (as it is in my case), you already have a foundation for your love.

 

[Brendan]

FYI, this thread is 4 years old…