Vasectomy and respecting my wife's catholic faith

[johnhahn]

Hi everyone -

Here’s my background - I’m an evangelical Christian and my wife is Roman Catholic. We currently have 3 children together. We have attempted to practice natural family planning, although our 3 children were conceived while we were trying to prevent conception with NFP - my wife and I went to all the NFP classes and according to the instructor, we were following the NFP rules correctly. We are at a point now where we do not even have intercourse due to not trusting the NFP method and not taking birth control pills due to the Catholic teachings against it, which I respect on her behalf.

We both are seemingly not as close as we used to be due to this lack of physical intimacy. I’ve personally been discussing getting a vasectomy with her, but of course she is against due to her religious beliefs. Most evangelical / protestant churches do not condone or speak against birth control - some members use it, others are against it. Vasectomies are pretty much accepted as being ok since it prevents fertilization through sterilization. Since it’s really my body that would have to go through the procedure, and my personal faith does not specifically speak of the procedure as a sin, would my wife be sinning if I go through with the operation with her knowing? What if I don’t tell her? - this is hypothetical, as I would surely tell her before I went through with it.

Just wanted to get your opinions on this situation as I would like to respect my wife’s beliefs, but it’s almost pushed me over the edge and has hindered our marriage due to catch-22 situation we are in.

thanks

 

[Shiann]

Perhaps she needs to find another NFP method that works better with her signs, and or find a better counselor?

Does she know why NFP seems to have failed her in these cycles (or better said, why the interpretation was non-fertile when she really was fertile?)?

Perhaps God is calling you to be parents to more than 3 children?

If you have answers for the above questions and still choose to not have more children - abstaining is the only licit option she has in her marriage. Obviously when she reaches the age where she no longer has a fertile cycle you would be safe to resume relations.

 

[kage_ar]

Welcome.

First of all, it shows you are a loving husband to consider your wife’s faith during such decisions.

Two things I’d suggest - have you looked at a different NFP method? No method fits every person, perhaps another way of using NFP will be the fit for your family.

Second, sit down and talk with her Priest.

And lastly, pray - well, really, do that first, middle and end.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Oooh goodie I might be first to respond!

My first advice is to read Familiaris Consortio by Pope John Paul II, not in an effort to convert you, but just to give you a hint of understanding on where your wife is coming from. Everyone likes Pope JPII right?

Furthermore, while it may not be a “sin” for you, your wife will suffer at the vasectomy – even knowing in her heart you are not responsible for knowing her faith and the doctrine therein. If you would do something like have a vasectomy it might actually be better to do so behind her back than to cajole her into your way of “thinking.” Far less troubles on her soul if she doesn’t know. We’ll still pray for you around here though! (I am ready to take the written smack down on that advice, but I am simply using common sense and knowledge. I have an awesome girlfriend in your situation and her DH had a vasectomy. She’s having a hard time now, a really hard time, even though at the time she felt it might be “Swiss” since her DH wasn’t Catholic.)

Either way you should be having “relations” and you might need to stop and ponder if the real reason you “aren’t” actually has to do with your wife’s true desire to have no more, or something a bit more deep.

Maybe re-take the course on NFP, research it further, or delve into other areas of you marriage altogether.

God Bless

 

[aloejamb]

We both are seemingly not as close as we used to be due to this lack of physical intimacy.

If you think that the vasectomy will allow you to feel closer due to being able to have relations whenever you want…I am here to tell you that it is a false assumption. We thought that too. A few years of scratching our heads trying to find out why we still didn’t feel close, we realized it was because something was missing. A barrier had been formed-not in the form of a condom or bc pills- but in the fact that DH was no longer fertile. There was an element of giving of self that was gone. I cannot explain it, I cannot form words to make you understand. I didn’t understand it even when it was happening. I can only offer my experience.
DH has since had it reversed. We have four children. We are quite full in our lives. It is not about --whoops, we want more and didn’t know it-- We made the personal decision of reversing it. If we do or do not conceive again, it is God’s will and not ours. We are open to life but not seeking another pregnancy. We have that intimacy back that we took for granted. NFP does work if you follow the rules.
Marital relations are sacred. We often forget that because how can something so sacred be so fun and feel so good right ?
You stated that your personal faith does not condemn sterilization. It’s not about this religion “allows” this and this one doesnt. It is a gift. The Catholic Church doesn’t forbid ABC or sterilization because it likes to be the boss of you even in your bedroom. The “rules” are put in place because it realizes the sanctity of this gift.

The detachment you feel with your wife now will be a permanent decision should you choose sterilization. Sex is very much a big part of any healthy marriage. The Church is in agreement with this. But closeness isn’t in just having sex. It is a component but not the only one. Is this the only way you express love to your bride? I personally feel closest to my DH when he holds my hand because he knows the mere touch of it will strengthen me when I am down. I feel closest when DH tells me about something that has been bothering him at work…to know that he trusts me enough to tell me his deepest feelings. I feel closest when we share a look over the top of our children’s heads.

Freedom isn’t in being able to do what you want whenever you want. What you think you are seeking is not what you think it is. I hope you seriously consider the implications.

 

[Mark77]

DON’T DO IT!

I had a vasectomy many years ago after having 3 beautiful children and I regret it every day.

I am sure that God wanted to give me more priceless gifts, yet I was incredibly selfish and rejected His love.

I keep having the thought that I will see my “aborted” children some day and they will ask me “daddy why, why did you kill us? Didn’t you love us too?”

Never do anything that could reject God’s love!

Pray for me.

Mark

 

[AeroChunky]

If you think that the vasectomy will allow you to feel closer due to being able to have relations whenever you want…I am here to tell you that it is a false assumption.

Says you.

I have one too and it brought us closer, since the risk is severly diminished, pretty much gone.
We too suffered from a lack of intimacy frm NFP and after the Vasectomy we have since re-discovered each other and we are very happy and much closer.

It’s a matter of opinion.

I know it’s a sin in Cahtolic rules, but it did help for us.

 

[kage_ar]

I keep having the thought that I will see my “aborted” children some day and they will ask me “daddy why, why did you kill us? Didn’t you love us too?”

Abortion is direct killing of a conceived child. Children do not exist before conception, so, having a vasectomy does not abort children.

Prayers that you will seek forgivness and find healing.

 

[whatevergirl]

Says you.

I have one too and it brought us closer, since the risk is severly diminished, pretty much gone.
We too suffered from a lack of intimacy frm NFP and after the Vasectomy we have since re-discovered each other and we are very happy and much closer.

It’s a matter of opinion.

I know it’s a sin in Cahtolic rules, but it did help for us.

I think the reason the Catholic Church is against this, and views it as another form of birth control, is that babies shouldn’t be looked at as ‘risks.’ Being open to life, even though the unknown can be daunting, causes both people in a marriage to release their inner fears to the Lord. Spacing kids is acceptable, according to the CC, but using birth control for the express purpose of preventing life, might cause temporal closeness, but not spiritual closeness.

Just my two cents.

 

[agapewolf]

Says you.

I have one too and it brought us closer, since the risk is severly diminished, pretty much gone.
We too suffered from a lack of intimacy frm NFP and after the Vasectomy we have since re-discovered each other and we are very happy and much closer.

It’s a matter of opinion.

I know it’s a sin in Cahtolic rules, but it did help for us.

Objectively it IS sinful, whether you believe so or not. objectively it HAS hurt your marriage, even though you might not see it. Objectively it HAS hurt your relationship with God, even though you might not think so.

The harm of sin is not subjective. It will still kill you. While you may not be culpable to understanding or comprehending what you did was wrong and harmful, it still is.

Drinking poison will still kill you whether you believe it was poison or not. Even if it tastes good.

 

[aloejamb]

Objectively it IS sinful, whether you believe so or not. objectively it HAS hurt your marriage, even though you might not see it. Objectively it HAS hurt your relationship with God, even though you might not think so.

The harm of sin is not subjective. It will still kill you. While you may not be culpable to understanding or comprehending what you did was wrong and harmful, it still is.

Drinking poison will still kill you whether you believe it was poison or not. Even if it tastes good.

Well said. AeroChunky, it would be interesting to hear what your wife’s (name removed by moderator)ut on it is.

 

[AeroChunky]

Objectively it IS sinful, whether you believe so or not. objectively it HAS hurt your marriage, even though you might not see it. Objectively it HAS hurt your relationship with God, even though you might not think so.

The harm of sin is not subjective. It will still kill you. While you may not be culpable to understanding or comprehending what you did was wrong and harmful, it still is.

Drinking poison will still kill you whether you believe it was poison or not. Even if it tastes good.

I struggle to see Objective truth in these teachings. It’s objective for you, who is Catholic.
for us, it’s very much subjective.

Just because you say it’s so doesn’t make it so.
And just because the Church says it’s so doesn’t make it so.

It makes it so for you guys, but not for everyone.

And aloejamb, my wife will echo my thoughts exactly. She was just as happy that we are now much closer together. In fact she was speaking about it just the other day.

Thanks

 

[rpp]

It seems to me there is some faulty reasoning going on by the OP and couple of other posters.

Just because they have a faith that split away from the Catholic Church does make the Catholic Church wrong. A sin is a sin, whether one believes it is a sin or not. The problem is an improperly formed conscience that permits someone to call evil good.

God does not judge different people by different standards just because some are Catholic, others are Protestants, others pagans, others Moslem, and so on.

Getting a vasectomy is wrong and is always wrong. Whether you believe it is wrong or not, whether you are Catholic or not, does not make any difference whatsoever.

 

[AeroChunky]

Getting a vasectomy is wrong and is always wrong. Whether you believe it is wrong or not, whether you are Catholic or not, does not make any difference whatsoever.

Says who though? The Catholic Church…and where did they get that gem from? Direct from God? Uhu…
That is super-subjective my friend.

 

[rpp]

Says who though? The Catholic Church…and where did they get that gem from? Direct from God? Uhu…
That is super-subjective my friend.

No, this is the extreme opposite of subjective. It is absolutely objective and based on a standard that has never and can never change. It is you, who insist that what YOU think is correct, who is being subjective.

 

[AeroChunky]

No, this is the extreme opposite of subjective. It is absolutely objective and based on a standard that has never and can never change. It is you, who insist that what YOU think is correct, who is being subjective.

Definition of “Objective”
Of or pertaining to something that can be known, or to something that is an object or a part of an object; existing independent of thought or an observer as part of reality.

How can you know? Because someone else told you so.

It’s not objective at all, it’s heresay.

 

[Pax_Vobiscum_57]

Says you.

I have one too and it brought us closer, since the risk is severly diminished, pretty much gone.
We too suffered from a lack of intimacy frm NFP and after the Vasectomy we have since re-discovered each other and we are very happy and much closer.

It’s a matter of opinion.

I know it’s a sin in Cahtolic rules, but it did help for us.

Your profile states you are “Christian.” Do you think God makes mistakes?

For the OP, I think you sound like a great guy. But as others have noted, there are several methods of NFP, and maybe you just aren’t using the one that works for you.

In a twist of irony, my brother had a vasectomy at 45. Two years later, my goddaughter was born. She is the light of their lives at 14.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…I’m an evangelical Christian and my wife is Roman Catholic. … I’ve personally been discussing getting a vasectomy with her, but of course she is against due to her religious beliefs. …Since it’s really my body that would have to go through the procedure, and my personal faith does not specifically speak of the procedure as a sin, would my wife be sinning if I go through with the operation with her knowing? What if I don’t tell her? - this is hypothetical, as I would surely tell her before I went through with it.

Just wanted to get your opinions on this situation as I would like to respect my wife’s beliefs, but it’s almost pushed me over the edge and has hindered our marriage due to catch-22 situation we are in.

thanks

Look at what you wrote. “It’s really my body”. (Some women justify abortion with that phrase.) Here’s what the Bible says: “A wife does not have authority over her own body, but rather her husband, and similarly a husband does not have authority over his own body, but rather his wife.” 1 Corinthians 7:4

You asked if your wife be sinning if you had a vasectomy against her wishes? No, your wife would not be sinning if you had a vasectomy against her wishes; you would be sinning against your wife.

 

[Seatuck]

Says you.

I have one too and it brought us closer, since the risk is severly diminished, pretty much gone.
We too suffered from a lack of intimacy frm NFP and after the Vasectomy we have since re-discovered each other and we are very happy and much closer.

It’s a matter of opinion.

I know it’s a sin in Cahtolic rules, but it did help for us.

You didn’t suffer from lack of intimacy from NFP. You suffered from a lack of sexual intimacy. Not the same thing. You missed an opportunity that God was calling you to grow in as a couple . It’s a shame. But what’s done is done.

 

[Cattitude]

The Protest of a Protestant Minister Against Birth Control

Here are some of the highlights:

When we use birth control, we are saying, “No, I won’t be 'fruitful and multiply!”’ We are disobeying God and we are abrogating one of His intents for marriage (Gen. 2:24).

For too long birth control has been looked upon as a “Catholic issue”. It is fast becoming a “Protestant issue” however, as Protestant ministers like myself protest the heretical teaching of birth control that is being propagated in Protestant churches. We must understand that the Church had spoken consistently for 1900 years against birth control. Only in the last 80 years have Protestant churches begun to peddle this belief that God thinks it’s okay or wise for us to use birth control.

If you were to list all the reasons why Christians use birth control, you would see that they are the same reasons why a woman aborts her child. The number one reason (according to all studies ever done) a woman aborts her child is because the child is an inconvenience. The child interferes with the mother’s (or the father’s) pursuit of happiness or possessions. When we use birth control, we are embracing the same anti-child mentality. We are saying that our pursuit of so called happiness, our pursuit of possessions, is more important than obeying God. The question is,“How can we abrogate God’s design for marriage and expect to really be happy?”

AeroChunky,
Are you aware that up until the 1930’s all Christian denominations, (including Luther and Calvin themselves) condemned ABC. What changed in 1930? God, or society? Are you willing to say that God changed?