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JLCecilia
Guest
Well, there’s still time, so hopefully none of it will come to this, who knows.
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JLCecilia
Guest
Well, it’s official, August 9th @ 8:30 a.m. We’re going to be so rushed to get the kids to 2 different sitters and out of town for an hour drive, at least I won’t have time to think about it. I’m just stunned, it’s real now. I can’t wait to have this baby to distract me from this whole mess.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
Can you not go? You stay with the kids and he gets someone else to go with him. He shouldn’t ask you to go with him.
Is your due date coming up? You shouldn’t be seated in a car that long this pregnant anyway.
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JLCecilia
Guest
The dr doing the procedure requires the spouse to be there (although, as it turns out, I’m not allowed in the room during the procedure, hmmm). Besides that, I’m vehemently opposed to having anyone else’s hands in the matter, I feel very private about this and would prefer nobody else know. It’s still disturbing how fast-paced it’s all supposed to be. The appt’s @ 8:45, so I imagine the consult will be 10-15 min. and then slam-bam-thank-you . . .They probably figure that anyone coming in for this has done their homework and discernment and there’s no need to further weigh the matter.
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JLCecilia
Guest
I guess I really should focus right now on how blessed I am to have 4 sweet little babes and that DH has permitted me to have ‘my’ way all these years to try NFP. I’m just filled w/ dread and I can’t stop replaying Dr. Janet Smith’s famous ‘Contraception: Why Not’ speech: first comes the tubal or the vasectomy, then the affair.
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The_Bucket
Guest
Forgive me if this is a rude question… but if your husband basically sucks as a father and, well, a husband, why would you want more kids with him? I’m not playing down the sin of sterilization, but it’s on him and not on you. Why is this something about which you are so greatly concerned?
And by the way, contraception/sterilization has nothing to do with infidelity. There are plenty of people who use contraception and are faithful to their spouses and plenty of people who do not use any contraception who have affairs.
I should know; my mother practiced NFP with my dad, complete with six kids… didn’t stop him from having multiple affairs, being a full-blown sex addict and passing that addiction on to his sons.
And by the way, contraception/sterilization has nothing to do with infidelity. There are plenty of people who use contraception and are faithful to their spouses and plenty of people who do not use any contraception who have affairs.
I should know; my mother practiced NFP with my dad, complete with six kids… didn’t stop him from having multiple affairs, being a full-blown sex addict and passing that addiction on to his sons.
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JLCecilia
Guest
I DON’T want more children, but I fully believe in the Church’s teaching on the matter and want to obey her wisdom on the matter. I don’t regret any of my children. DH was going to be this way, kids or no kids. I fully believe that my/our faithfulness in this area has been the main source of whatever grace we’ve had in our marriage/family. I know it’s silly, but I feel like a lesser Catholic for being unequally yolked in my marriage. To some degree I’ve accepted it, but it’s still there. It’s like being the only single person or divorcee in a crowd of married friends. At least for me, anyway.
I suppose my fear of infidelity stems from DH’s ‘issue’ w/ the computer in the past and my long-standing insecurity and just overall feeling that everything that’s gone wrong is my fault for insisting on the NFP lifestyle. I’ve been trying to remind myself lately that the only reason everything’s my fault is b/c everything’s my responsibility and I buck up knowing I’m doing the best I can on my own.
I’m sorry to hear that about your parents, that is AWEFUL. There’s some family secret that I’ve never had the nerve to ask my parents about directly, and really, at this point, it doesn’t matter. But my parents split when I was in Junior High and then got back together when I was in HS. I heard from a distant relative that one of my brothers walked in on an affair involving one of our parents. My parents had a child before they married, used the rhythm method in the 60s and 70s and had my oldest siblings and then contracepted and then reverted back when the Church’s teaching were more clear and got me. Mom’s been pretty candid that it sounds like they weren’t so much open to life as much as they just didn’t know what they were doing - kind of like me and DH.
My family (siblings) has been plagued w/ sexual disorientation for a total lack of formation from my parents on chastity and spousal discernment. There’s been babies outside of marriage, divorce, promiscuity, unequally yolked marriage. Not a one of us has a fully integrated Catholic marriage/family.
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The_Bucket
Guest
Does it not make you more Catholic in a way? You have the opportunity to use your suffering for souls in purgatory. Suffering is not without merit in our tradition …
I do not know your particular situation, but if I may relay my own experience… As I noted earlier, my father passed on his addiction to his sons. That includes me. I have been in recovery for pornography addiction for about 14 months now. There was never any physical or even cyber infidelity, but that did not keep me from basically withdrawing from my own wife and children. I also transferred all my self hatred, frustrations and anxieties on to my family.
I cannot say if your husband has an addiction, but if it is an issue as you say, chances are that it is something that needs to be addressed comprehensively. Plenty of people can watch pornography (wrong as it is) and not become addicts. But they can stop; does not sound like that is happening here. And as millions of spouses and family members of addicts know, addicts love to blame their actions on anyone other than themselves. So is it possible then that you feel like it is all your fault because you have been conditioned that way by an addict? Something to consider…
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bcuster
Guest
I understand the OP anxiety and feelings of ambivalence. I will pray for Christ’s peace in this situation.
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HouseArrest
Guest
Really? This is just cruel towards you. When is your due date? You will still be postpartum even if you have the baby tomorrow. You’re supposed to get kids to 2 different sitters and the infant - goes with you?
Your baby is still going to be getting up all night for feedings. Taking the baby along or getting a sitter for a newborn are both difficult ventures. Is your husband not considering any of this? Is it really that important to him to do this now?
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JLCecilia
Guest
When DH has been totally open and honest w/ me, he has confessed much the same thing - that he acts the way he does b/c his addiction to the computer makes him feel worthless (when he takes the time to look around at how things are going, most of the time he just avoids thinking about it all).
Yeah, I have a hard time balancing where to place blame and where to take responsibility. If the other person doesn’t acknowledge the problem, does any of that really even matter? The reason I struggle w/ this is b/c I see myself repeating my mother’s behavior where she makes the highest demands for respect and justice and compassion for herself and her delicate feelings but goes around acting like a complete monster and not taking any responsibility for how her actions make others feel. So I tend to overcompensate on taking the blame, but then it turns into a pity party to kind of weasel my way out of it. Oh, the art of manipulation is well-yielded by both sides.
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JLCecilia
Guest
Yeah, this is just the way things are, none of this is new. If I handed this to him on a piece of paper, it would only further anger him. He’s done talking about it, all there is left is for me to listen to him tell me how this is all going to go. If you stop and think about it, isn’t this how it’s been on the flip-side for the last 8 years? I’ve basically been calling the shots insisting on nothing less than staunch NFPing despite DH’s objections.
I already know how that morning will go - full of yelling and nagging and frustration b/c I’m not getting the kids around on time so he can get on the road when he wants to. And, of course, none of it will be his fault b/c I should know by now that he isn’t a morning person and I shouldn’t count on him to help. Well, HE should know by now that the kids and I struggle every morning to get out the door on time and that morning will be no different. DH can just go on and have his little hissy fit and I’ll blow him off b/c I’ve finally allowed myself to see that his demands without effort on his part are ludicrous.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
What do single men do? If he wants this, let him arrange his own transportation and go alone. I can’t imagine insisting you do something that you do not want and that you know is wrong.
I understand your want for privacy, but you shouldn’t feel you need to cover up his sins for him. He wants this, let him own it.
This stress is not good for you or baby. Babies feel stress in the womb.
I’ll pray for you. I’m sorry you are going through this.
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Joe_5859
Guest
You say the doctor requires that you be there. Can’t you just say that you will not go?
I know that’s what my wife would tell me if I ever tried to pull something like that.
I know that’s what my wife would tell me if I ever tried to pull something like that.
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HouseArrest
Guest
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JLCecilia
Guest
Well, it’s done. When we pulled up to the dr’s office, it just seemed shady to me. There was one couple ahead of us and as we watched the man wobble out of the office (not wheeled out by a nurse), my mind just went to the times when I used to pray outside of the abortion clinic and seeing these poor young girls hobbling to their cars, all drugged up. That’s when I lost it. While the exam room seemed nice (decoration-wise), the waiting room looked like a Holiday Inn. And, for the price we paid for the procedure, I guess you get what you pay for.
I still haven’t asked DH what he told his co-workers (which includes his mom and brother) why he was hobbling. He couldn’t even come up w/ a good excuse for our kids. I just hope he doesn’t slip and start telling people who ask when we’ll have another one that there definitely will NOT be anymore, esp. to our children.
I’m just numb. I always hate anniversaries anyway, but this anniversary (today) is esp. painful. I can’t remember the last time we really talked, much less hugged or kissed. I wonder if he even notices the distance, or if he’s perfectly happy with the silence between us. And, as it turns out, his 2-mo ‘check-up’ w/ the doc happens to fall on my birthday, ouch!
I still haven’t asked DH what he told his co-workers (which includes his mom and brother) why he was hobbling. He couldn’t even come up w/ a good excuse for our kids. I just hope he doesn’t slip and start telling people who ask when we’ll have another one that there definitely will NOT be anymore, esp. to our children.
I’m just numb. I always hate anniversaries anyway, but this anniversary (today) is esp. painful. I can’t remember the last time we really talked, much less hugged or kissed. I wonder if he even notices the distance, or if he’s perfectly happy with the silence between us. And, as it turns out, his 2-mo ‘check-up’ w/ the doc happens to fall on my birthday, ouch!
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Rau
Guest
May I ask what the consequences on DH of NFP, in terms of abstinence, actually are? I assume his preference would be that you were on the pill? It just seems to me that you are pretty busy, probably lacking sleep, and would not be desirous of sex too often regardless of your fertility.
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tapiocapudding
Guest
I’m so sorry JLCelia, this must be such a painful thing for you. Have you considered marriage councelling?
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JLCecilia
Guest
His concern wasn’t the abstinence, it’s that neither of were really strong in sticking to the rules to avoid pregnancy. He never looked at my chart, much less asked me ahead of time which phase I was in, his concern always came past the point of no return, meaning lot of time in the confessional for me. Yes, this last baby resulted in me forgetting which day I was on. And my libido, I’d say, is waning due to our stale relationship.
Tapiocapudding, we tried counseling last year to no avail. I went on my own to start w/ according to Dr. Guarendi’s advice on one-sided marriage counseling. It took quite a bit to get DH to come and even then it was only 2 sessions. I realized I was only complaining and not really making any modifications to my behavior, which doesn’t work, so I quit going. I wish I knew someone I could get DH to go to, guess I’ll pray on it.
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JLCecilia
Guest
I was reading Kimberly Hahn’s ‘Life-Giving Love’ and went to the chapter on sterilization. There were many testimonies of reversals (which I don’t dare even hope for), some resulting in new life, others unsuccessful. They all said that the goal was not for pregnancy, but to repair the damage done in their relationship w/ the Lord. One couple was unable to afford the reversal procedure and decided to use NFP anyway, continuing to abstain during the fertile phase as their sacrifice, so as not to enjoy the fruits of that time. While this doesn’t yet give me peace, and healing my heart is a ways off, it’s a starting point.
My GF who’s been unable to get pregnant and has quit charting says she and her DH just basically pick 5-10 days a month, whether it’s the 5th thru the 15th or however. I think I’ll have to stick to my chart and be really honest since I don’t have her same obstacles. I’ll have to check out “Change of Heart” to see if there’s any stories in there similar to mine to help me heal.
My GF who’s been unable to get pregnant and has quit charting says she and her DH just basically pick 5-10 days a month, whether it’s the 5th thru the 15th or however. I think I’ll have to stick to my chart and be really honest since I don’t have her same obstacles. I’ll have to check out “Change of Heart” to see if there’s any stories in there similar to mine to help me heal.
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